I just want to cry

Good morning ladies, I hope you are all doing OK. I am at work, sitting infront of my computer and crying my eyes out. I do not think any one of you can help me with my problem, but I just needed to share with you, knowing you have all gone through my situation or similar! Last month my DH and I would off had our baby if we would not lost it in August 2005. We were doing pretty well couping with our lost, until our SIL and BIL announced their pregnancy last month. I was a bit shocked since there has never been any sorry about loosing your baby nothing! Anyway, last month was very hard, but somehow we managed to make it. We have been TTC since December, but nothing yet. This morning I got another email from my SIL and again a whole page all about her PG. I broke done and did not know who to call or talk to except my co-workers and my DH. They all suggested to not read her email again otherwise I will loose my insanity! Any advise from you? By the way, I can not talk to her! There is no way, I would be the "black sheep of the family."

[Want1more]

I'm so sorry to hear what you guys are going through. I am in the same boat as you....just the other day my MIL was shopping with me and stopped at the babies section and was like "Look".....I told her I can't right now, it still hurts. Just think you can just keep TTC and keep your hope up that you will soon. Just hang in there...Be strong for yourself. Lots of babydust to you all********

[petanka]

I wish I could talk to her, but I know that it will not come across the right way. Also, lets not forget, she is pregnant and the one with all the hormones. I guess, all of us here, we know what it is to loose a baby, and so we can relate. Anyway, it just really hit me this morning and I broke down and started bolling my eys out. I feel like there is nothing what will take my mind off of it. I already work out 5 times a week, I started a few projects around the hoouse, have been working in my yard like crazy for the last 3 weeks and nothing! I stupid email from my SIL and I am back where I started!

Hopefuldad, I am sorry if I missed it, but when you said that yuor pregnancy ended up, did you guys had a resent ms?

[missie69]

I know how you feel. We m/c on thanksgiving day and had a d/c the next day.  Long story short.  On christmas day my SIL who is separated from my BIL announced she was pg, but get this she does not know who the father is, take your pick from 5guys none of which are my BIL.  Go figure.  I told her I had a m/c and she just said oh well you have 4 anyway.  I could have yelled my head off on the issue of her pg and slutting around, but instead I got dh and kids and gave grandma kisses and left.  After we left my BIL and MIL(grandma) layed into her and now she is the blacksheep even her own kids hate her right now.  I feel so bad for her kids, but now they know what kind of person she is, that is the whole reason my BIL finally left her.  

Maybe someone else or your dh can let her know that you are happy for her but right now you just can not enjoy her pg with her.

good luck  (((((hugs)))))

[NEYLIA]

SO SORRY FOR YOUE LOSS....WE LOST OUR BABY GIRL @ 37 WEEKS AND I CAN TELL YOU SOMETIMES PEOPLE DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR DO...I MEAN SHE SHOULD HAVE MORE SENSE THAN TO WAVE IT IN YOUR FACE BUT I HAD TO REMEMBER ..THESE PEOPLE DIDNT LOSE ANYTHING SO THEY DONT HAVE TO GET OVER ANYTHING. HOWEVER MY HUSBAND CHOSE TO PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE QUICKLY FOR MY SAKE AND SANITY. WE ARE CURRENTLY 35 WEEKS NOW AND PEOPLE STILL RESPOND TO ME AS IF I SHOULD BE OR AM OVER OUR LOSS LAST YEAR AND I JUST HAVE TO CONSTANTLY BRING UP MY DAUGHTER AND EVEN THEN THEY MAY SAY " OH YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON OR SOMETHING IGNORANT LIKE THAT" AND i QUICKLY PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE AGAIN. I DONT DO IT NEGATIVELY MOST OF THE TIME ALL THEY NEED IS A SUBTLE HINT. YOU NEED TO LET HER KNOW SO YOU CAN HEAL! BEST WISHES IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN FOR YOU...AND BY THE WAY..THE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME ON THE ROAD TO HEALING WAS TO MEMORIALZE MY BABY OR TO HAVE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HER EVEN NOW THATS THE ONLY WAY I CAN DEAL. TO KNOW SHE IS REMEMBERED IS MY ONLY COMFORT.EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS KEEPING THEM IN WONT CHANGE ANYTHING!

BABY DUST TO YOU

[mammasita]

Al I can say is I know exactly how you feel... I have 2 cousins and a close friend all due with in a month of when I would have been due. It is like a hot poker hits me in the heart when I hear about there milestones. You just cant help it but feel sad. They know how sad I am so they tone it down for me.

You really should express your feelings to her about all the announcing. She probably has no clue! It doesnt mean you are being cruel but you are standing up for your feelings by saying something. If you are uncomfortable ask your DH to say something.

Most of us here know the feeling well...

Good luck and hang in there!
Baby dust to you************

[DollChina]

Be honest to her and tell her how you feel in a letter or an email.  Tell her that you are happy for her but this is still a sore spot for you.  I had to do it to a friend of mine after my m/c.  She kept sending me baby forwards and calling me at work about her U/S so I just wrote her and told her.  She apologized and told me she didn't mean to be insensitive.  Sometimes, pregnant women are so over joy and they forgot other people's feelings.
I hope you fell better!

[ajaball]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know exactly how you feel.  I lost my 1st pg July '05 and still continued to grieve until I got BFP last month.  Everyone around me was getting pg and calling me and my husband with the happy news.  I tried not to say anything to them about my extreme grief over the loss of my child and how their happy news was like a knife to my gut! I'm with your DH and co-workers-maybe just don't read her emails.  I wish I had a better solution, but if you don't feel you can talk to your SIL, that may be the only option.  You will get BFP again.  It took me 7 months of ttc again before my new pg.  I had lost hope, but it finally happened.  Keep your head up.  My thoughts are with you.  Best of luck.  Don't feel bad about crying.  Sometimes those heart-breaking weeping sessions are cleansing for the soul.

[petanka]

Thank you guys ALL! I can't hardly type since my tears are rolling down my face. I really appreciate your comments and support! I will be fine, probably just need to cry myself out and then it will all get better. I am a scared chicken, so I just set my SIL email as junk and for now, I will not read her emails. I need to get better!!! I feel like if I don't, I will destroy my marriage and everything good in my life. I have a 7 year DD to take care of, and a job to do, so I need to stop!
Thanks again and baby dust to you all!!!

[greenpixie]

Petanka:  So sorry you are having to deal with this.  Greiving is so incredibly difficult, and it is only made worse when people in your life are not supportive of you.  Wish I could do something to make you feel better... (((HUGS)))

Hopefuldad:  I guess I had not been following closely.  I did not know that you and your wife m/ced.  (((HUGS))) to you too.

[AndiJ78]

This is such a difficult topic. Unless someone has experienced a m/c themself, they do not realize the impact it has on a couple. Some people have no idea what to say, are worried about saying the wrong thing, or just feel it better to say nothing at all. Like many others on here, when dh and I had our first loss together (my 3rd) my SIL and best friend were due around my due date and I had to suffer through the pregnancies in silence. I made it through by thinking about the fact that I would never wish a m/c upon my worst enemy and found solace in knowing they were both about to bring two babies into the world.

No one says you have to be gushing and happy, but think of it this way. You know many women on here have had losses, right? When you get your BFP, who is gonna be one of the first to hear about it? I wouldn't consider you insensitive for posting it here, when you are pregnant, you are excited and want to shout it from the rooftops. Try not to see your SIL as being an insensitive witch, she is probably so overjoyed to be pg, and wants to share the news with anyone who will listen or read. Seeing as how it obviously is something that you are not ready to share in yet, perhaps you could reply saying something like "I am happy for you, congratulations. But at this time I am still grieving the loss of my baby and am finding it hard to cope with updates on other's pregnancies. Please be patient with me, in time I will be better able to cope" Or something to that effect.

In the meantime, you have so many women here jumping at the chance to lend support, I have no doubt things will get easier. The adage rings true, time truly does heal all wounds.

Andi

[sleepy9500]

I know what you mean. I would have been 17 weeks by now. I lost my 1st child on 3/1/06. i was so excited with that pregnancy. I still have my moments where I find myself thinking about the things that I would be buying right now.  My neighbor is pregnant she is 27 weeks and I wonder sometimes. She is someone that didn't want her baby in the beginning because she was to sick in the stomach and everything has good GREAT! with her. And me and my husband lost our baby. I know that I will see my baby in heaven and thats what keeps me going. God will bless us again soon with another little one.  Our baby was picked like many others to be little Angels watching over us.

[mejoje]

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience sort of. I have wanted a child my WHOLE life and just had my first Dec 22. Well my best friend who is like my sister got pg literaly on her wedding night and did not plan to (long story about cysts on overies and changing birth control) anyway I tried to be happy for her and she didn't gush or anything but I tried to call every week for a "baby update" and she seemed to get sick of it. Her pg went good and she had a little boy who will be 3 this summer. Well I lost my last baby at almost 21 weeks pg, and she didn't seem to care, I know she did but didn't show me and in November she had a m/c and her Mokm was VERY unsuportive on even getting pg in the first place but seemed uncaring when she lost it and she called me and cried and kept saying "I know it is not like when you lost Tristen but..." and all I could say is that it doesn't matter if you lose one at a day pg or 60 years old it hurts.

Long story short, poeple do not relize what others are going through until they go through it themselves and there is probably not much you can do about you SIL except grin and bear it then run into the bathroom and cry. It wil get better and it will happen for you just try to give it time. Good Luck.

[marie1210]

There are so many of us who know exactly how you feel.  I lost my baby in Jan 06 at 7 weeks.  A few days later I found out that my cousin was pregnant and due at the same time I was.  That was really hard.  Fortunately for me, my family never flaunted it and never really talked about it very much because they knew how I was feeling.  Whenever I hear about her appointments or milestones, it's like I'm being stabbed.  My dh and I have yet to conceive again but we're trying. My heart goes out to you.  I've never experienced childbirth but I can't imagine that pain being worse than the pain of losing a child.

[workingmom4]

if you have a trusted relative, another sis or a mother who can gently just fill in your sil that you are having a hard time and dont want to hurt her feelings about her baby. that you are happy for her, but its hard to watch someone else be pregnant.  they can tell sil just to keep it to the basics, and nothing else.  i would do that for my sisters, or inlaws.  people who have never had a loss just dont understand.  after i lost my premature daughter, i couldn't look at a preg woman.  that included a coworker due the same time i was.  she wasn't family, and i took off work, but i had another coworker tell her i was sorry, and i was thinking of her, but i couldn't talk to her at this time because i was grieving/jealous/etc.  everyone understood, and the girl didn't think i was ignoring her.  
im thinking of you!  im see myself in you a lot, as i have often started crying at work.  im here to talk.

[petanka]

Girls and Hopefuldad,
if I did not know that I just finished my AF on Monday, I would off think it is coming for sure today! I am reading your posts and crying like a baby! (I stopped for a while and now it is coming down again) Thankfully, I did not wear any make up today:) Gosh, how long is the grieving going to take??? I though I was so done grieving when we started TTC in December, but I guess not. Last month, we even went and got a pink Jasmine and planted it in our front yard together with my DH and DD, so we could make a closer. At least that is what we were hoping for. We did it on the EDD! Sometimes I feel there will be no closer until we get the BFP again.

PS: By the way, the pain during birth is nothing compare to the pain  I felt sitting in my Dr. office only to find out that my baby is slowly dying!!!

[CP in BR]

i know how you feel - my SIL was 4 mo. pg when i found out we were pg. I was so excited to be "joining the ranks" and then about 2 weeks later we m/c'd. I didn't know how to handle it - on one hand i wanted them to acknowledge how difficult it was for us, but at the same time i didn't want any pitty. If one person would've said "you poor thing," i would've decked 'em. At the same time i wanted to be happy for her b/c i was GENIUNELY happy for her. It was just a little harder to show it. You've just got to step back and think about your relationship with her. If she's close enough that she just wants to share it with you, then explain that you're very happy, it's just still an open wound. If she's the rub it in type then block her emails! Hopefully she's the former, not the later and in that case she'll completely understand, and you know that at some point the pain will go away and you'll just be left with a wonderful niece or nephew (and probably a very big belly!)

p.s. It helps me to think of it as a delay, not a loss...delays STINK, but they're temporary. That is/will be YOUR baby. Big hugs!!!

[petanka]

Thanks for your huggs! Unfortunately, and I guess, I should of said this part right at the beginning, she is the "rub it in" type or as I would call her the "MIL kissing ass" type. We used to have a good relationship, but our MIL was actually the one who splitted us apart! So we do not talk on the phone almost at all and our comunication throught emails is to the minimum-once in two months now. We live on opposit coasts, so we see each other very little, therefore, we do not have much of a relationship. But, to be fare to her, she is a very possitive person, not to say that I am negative, just more realistic and more sensitive for sure. Either way, I know that she used to be very jealous of me, because she was "the girlfriend" for long 8 years and I think this is her way of breaking into the family. It will be the firts grandkid, since my DD is from my firts marriage!

[Gili]

Sometimes we can't help other people being inconsiderate.  I had a friend that can only think and talk about herself too.  When she got married, I couldn't attend but send her a $200 gift card.  Even though she thank everyone for their gifts at the reception, I never received a thank you card.  When I got married, I hand delivered her the invitation.  I never received the reply card from her nor a card, never mind a present.  After my DH and I married, we visited a friend around her area and my other friend happened to invited her.  She didn't even say congratulation to me and it was the first time she saw me after I got married.  All she did was blabbing about her pregnancy while showing off her other son's ability to talk.  So she's on my blacklist and I'm happy she is.

Now you shouldn't dwell on it.  It's not worth your stress.

[baby4Staci]

Ouch.
Can you e-mail her back and say that you are going through a rough time right now and that you are sorry if you dont seem excited??? I did that once i miscarried and people backed off.  I had this one friend who Kept complaining to me about his problems and i was like.. listen, My baby just died, sorry if i dont feel bad for YOU right now... and he backed off.. Sometimes you just have  to be honest with people or else they dont know that it is hurting you.. ((HUG))  you will feel better and you will get pg again.. Im sorry you are having a bad day.. :-(

[Hopefuldad]

While I know that you are happy for them, I think they should be a little more sensitive to you. It is likely that they really haven't considered the significance of this time of year for you... even still, gushing on and on and on about their pregnancy strikes me as little insensitive.

Sometimes, there really is nothing to be done about grief, except to go through it. I know that sounds trite and I wish I could say more. I know you will be OK though, as will my wife and I.

I wish you the best ttc :) Looks like I will be trying again soon as our pregnancy is all but ended now :(

[duehring]

I went through the same thing when I lost my first baby. I have found that unless someone has gone through a miscarriage and losing a baby they just have no clue how much it hurts and how long you can grieve over it. I had several family members and friends get pregnant after I miscarried and it never occurred to them that I was still hurting. Later when some of them lost a baby then they understood what I had been going through.

I don't think she has a clue what you are feeling so if it were me and I had it to do over again I would just simply reply that I am happy for but let her know you are still hurting over your loss.

I have good friends whom I have talked about this subject with  that have never had m/c and they all say they never knew it was so hard to deal with a miscarriage. They see it more like a late period and not a baby lost. Thats because they have never had it happen.

It will get easier with time, but you never forget. I have had 5 healthy babies now and I still never forget the due dates of the babies I have lost and I always think about how old they would be now.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am thinking of you.

[newlywed05]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is. A girl I work with found out she was prego a week after I did. She is about 23 weeks now, I should be 24, however I m/c at 14. Seeing her day to day makes it so much more difficult to deal with my own loss. I want to be happy for her, and I am, but not the way I would like to be with 100% of my heart into it. When she started to feel the baby move I came home and cried the rest of the night and the entire next day. Seeing her belly grow feels like a knife in my heart. She just recently found out the sex of the baby, it's a girl. She was a little hessitant to tell me because she actually had a m/c last year and understands what I am going though. On of my other very very close friends found out she was prego 2 weeks after I m/c. I still haven't been able to talk to her about her pregnancy and how she is feeling, she also hasn't pushed herslef on me though, which is amazing of her. She knows when I am ready I will come to her.

     You need to talk to your SIL, it is the only way to get her closer to understanding what you are going though. She needs to have alittle more compassion for the situation.

[looking4knowledge]

So sorry 4 ur loss. I know exactly what your going thru. My best friend found out she was pregnant at the same time I started spotting and knowing something was wrong with my baby. We ended up being only a 3 days apart. I m/c at 7 w 3/18/06 and she was fine, but only difference was, she didn't even want her baby and I loved mine! she even asked me for advice on if to keep it or not. What worked for me was to let her know that even though I love her and care about her, I am not emotionally ready to deal with her, especially since seeing her was a constant reminder of my loss. I want to ttc after my af but even the excitement of trying again is sometimes overshadowed with the grief of what I lost. But anyway, hang in there, and know there are plenty of women who unfortunately have been thru what u feel and are here for support. Good luck ttc and lots of baby dust 2 u:)

[Liza55]

Huh...I was devastated those first shocking days after seeing no heartbeat on my ultrasound. My pain, however, lasted only about a week and I then was confidant it was all for a reason that I couldn't understand, but that I would someday be pregnant again. I never had the lingering feelings of depression or sadness, nor any huge crying spells. I even suprised myself being back to work the next week feeling,well, ok. Was I mourning enuf? Everyone's different. Maybe counseling would help you move past these draining emotions. I remember however, feelings of such anger and resentment being triggered about 2 months later when I heard our friends got pregnant. I was furious! and could barely respond to her email. I kept thinking too how much better I eat and take care of myself. I even got a little mad when I heard her first ultrasound went great. Again though the feelings didn't last. I don't know why it was so different for me-

[Merejo]

my dear!! I know exactly how you are feeling. (hugs) I just had a second m/c and let me tell you that this time it's been harder. I don't know why, but it seems that I will never recover. Since my last m/c I have found out about 2 people I know that are pg. I swear that I have tried to be happy but my heart hurts so much I cannot feel happy. I feel guilty for that too. JUst try to avoid your SIL as much as you can and try to  think that God works his wonders in many ways and trust me, we want a healty baby. Everything happens for a reason and now is too soon for you to understand but eventually you will, and you will get pg soon. as soon as you feel better and leave the stress out, your body will react positively. Pray and God will give you a beautiful baby.
LOL