I'm heartbroken...thinking of leaving my husband
I know that this is not the forum to post this on, but this is the only forum I like so here it goes. Yesterday morning, I found out that my husband was thinking of leaving me but he stopped b/c of the kids. I have his email account password and for business purposes, I went into his account and saw that he's been talking to his friend (who's a girl) pouring his heart out about how our relationship went really bad and how he would probably find someone on the side but couldn't do it to me. HE WAS THINKING OF CHEATING ON ME! It's one step closer to acting upon it. We had a heart to heart conversation last night (with some screaming on my part) and he told me that our marriage is bothering him..."we're not a married couple anymore", he says, "we just co-exist". This is what he wrote to me when I called his work to confront him:
"I didn’t want our relationship to become what I have seen with other married couples, just co-existing. I guess I was afraid that this is where it was going. I know having two small kids takes its toll on everyone, but we just stopped telling each other how much we love each other and good nights and giving each other small kisses. I still find you very very sexy and am very much attracted to you. So, I honestly have no reason to cheat. I have everything I want at home."
What hurt me the most, I guess, is that he talked to his friend about our marital problems and not to me! I also found out that he has a 7 year old daughter who he found out about a couple of months ago (this was way before he met me). I was pregnant at the time when he found out so he decided to wait to tell me but never had the opportunity, as he puts it. He tells me that whenever he gets home, I'm exhausted and don't want anything to do with him. Well, forgive me, but I take care of two small children who are 18 months apart all day long and it IS exhausting. I also found that that he's been talking to his ex behind my back. I don't mind him keeping in touch with the girls he dated before me but not her. She straight out told him that she wouldn't change a thing about their past relationship, how she misses him, how HOT he looks on the pictures, and how SEXY his name can sound. I find that VERY inappropriate. She's married with a kid, for G-d's sake!! I'm very hurt by all this. My trust and respect is shattered for this man. How can I live with someone who is not happy with our marriage and who was thinking (or maybe even acted upon it) of cheating on me?? He wants to work things out. I'm not sure I can find it in my heart to forgive him. I'm sorry for such a lengthy post. Thank you for reading my ranting.
wow, I am so sorry you are going through this. Everyone who is married or in a relationship has issues. If they say they dont they are not telling the truth but what you just described is extreme and I can honestly say that I would not stay. It is not better for your children to have a sad mommy. I would forgive him but after he has moved out in order to maintain a healthy relationship for your children.
All moms are tired - if you are home or working - they still need to chip in and when they do they are tired too. My fiance is FINALLY getting the routine down and our dd is going to be one next week. Now when he gets home from work he either has our daughter or is doing something productive around the house. NO more sitting watching TV or going out. It is Finally starting to work out into a "family" situation other then a co-exist situation. I think your husband needs to make a family committment and then he will understand.
I am so sorry you will always have support here, if you leave or stay. Good Luck.
I feel really bad for you! There are many good things throughout all this mess that can make your marriage work: *Keep in mind I know nothing about you or hubby, so you can take this however*
A. He didnt cheat on you..which it sucks that he was even thinking about it and wrote to someone that he was thinking about it. However I am sure 50% of married men think about cheating on there wifes. Sucks but it is true!
B. He still finds you very very sexy. Most married people dont find their spouse attractive after years of marriage.
C. It does seem like he wants to work it out and it seems like he is open to communication.
I think with two small children you may feel trapped in your decisions. Maybe you can try couples counseling for awhile, it might help. However if you are anything like me I couldn't drop or forget what has happened already. But maybe councelling will help you work through that part.
Also I would tell him to nix talking to other women during this time, it is only fueling the fire and nothing good could ever come out of it. If you dont have close male friends then he shouldnt have close female friends....especially if he is telling them more things than you, which will also lead to the lack of communication between you two.
Now that I just had a baby, I know my marriage has been shoved to a whole new level. It really shows that you have to truly love that person deeply to weather through it all. Our sex life has been put on the back burner and it has been complete baby for the last 4 months.
Oh so I am with Rock Rose, I think you should give it a shot. Try to work it out...that is the best you can do. If you try and it still doesnt succeed then at least you can leave feeling like you gave it a good shot.
He's great in pitching in. This is one of the problems. He comes home at 7:30 pm. He doesn't even eat b/c he feels bad for me (I must look THAT exhausted) and he takes over right away. He bathes DD and then helps me bathe our 7 week old. He's a great team player so I can't complain with that. I guess I felt betrayed that he talked to his friend instead of me
Oh, what I meant by one of the problems is that we have no time for each other b/c we're so busy with the kids. By the time everyone's fed, put to bed, etc. we have no energy for each other. He admitted that he's exhausted too and that he can't blame me solely for the lack of intimacy between us but he supposedly tried a few times and I shut him down. I don't remember this but then again, we're so sleep deprived...I don't remember what I ate for dinner last night.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I would feel betrayed too. Do you think you can ever trust him again?? If you can then I think it is worth trying to make it work. Maybe you could try counseling. I am not sure what I would do if faced with this situation because I would always be second-guessing what he was doing, where he was going and if he was being truthful. Good luck and keep us posted! :) All of us will be here no matter what you decide to do!!
I'm sorry you are going through this. Cantwait4baby is right, no one has a perfect relationship, they don't exist. I think that your dh really does want to be with you and these problems are fixable. Can you two start fresh from this point on and try to work on your issues? I think that he needs to give up talking to the ex because it obviously bothers you. However, he probably felt comfortable talking and getting advice from someone who isn't you. How could he really tell you that he felt like you were both just co-existing and not really married? He has to understand that it is tiring taking care of 2 small children and that relationships change once children are involved. Perhaps you two can seek some marital counseling. I do think that this marriage is salvigable (spelling?). Can you two get someone to watch the kids so you both can have a date night? Maybe add a little spark to the relationship.
I agree with the other ladies as well - he didn't cheat on you and still finds you sexy. Give him another shot but I would also tell him to nix talking to his ex. My marriage has been strained as well after the twins birth, but I think that is normal - we are both going through emotional and physical obstacles, but work at it together to make it as we love each other dearly. If you truly love him, sit him down and tell him how it's going to be - if he truly wants to work things out, then he won't argue.
I agree he has to stop talking to his ex and other girls. That will never solve anything, just complicate things. I also agree that you need to go out just the two of you. My dh and I do this about every other weekend. It helps so much to reconnect as a couple. Also even when we are exhausted we still try to have "alone time" together, it really helps.
Wow this sounds very familiar to me, so I feel your pain. Sounds like you still have a chance though. Try your best to work together and fix your marriage, it still sounds like this is something you two can work past together. Good Luck. When you learn to forgive him let me know how you did it too please :) I too am also trying to work past something like this and am trying to learn to be forgiving.
i would also feel betrayed about him talking to someone else about your marriage so openly and detailed. it makes it even worse that the someone was a woman. it is a good thing that you know for sure he wasn't unfaithful, but i'm sure in the back of your head, you are thinking about all the "what-if's". that i'm sure is going to be the main problem moving forward. he wants to work out the relationship and continue being your husband. it will be up to you to get past this. and its not going to be easy. i think with these sorts of situations, it is always the pink elephant in the room no one talks about and with every argument, you will have to try and stop yourself from bringing this up. counseling is something that will definately help you with that, i think. i agree with the others that you should BOTH give your marriage a new start and be to eachother what you were before the kids, as much as possible. there is definately a chance things will get better and if you leave now, without giving it your all, you will always wonder "what-if" and whether you made the right decision. if you are giving your 100% to make things better and you see that he is too, you will both appreciate another so much more. if you are giving 100% and he isn't trying at all, then you will know better what needs to be done. talking so intimately with members of the opposite sex should also be put to an end. have him start a new email account or something, maybe just to put your mind at ease? i really hope you can work through this. for your little ones and for yourselves. it truly sounds like you are very much in love. good luck <3
I worked with a woman who also had 2 kids and she and her husband were going through what you guys are going through. She got a babysitter so that once a week, or every couple of weeks, they would have a date night. She said it really helped. I actually watched her kids a couple of times so they could get dinner & go to a movie or a concert.
Nothing wrong with taking some time for yourselves and having a date night. What good is it going to do your children if you get divorced b/c you both drifted apart b/c you didn't spend enough time together? That's a lousy reason to get divorced.
Spend the $$ on a good babysitter you trust so you can relax and have a good time.
Since he tired too and understands too then he should not talk to other people especially women. He did not cheat but the thought was there. Maybe you two should go to counseling. If it can be worked out then it is worth at least trying. He helps with the children that is a huge benefit and in the same sense that he helps you us as women need to be there for them too. The relationship needs to be maintained even though there are children but it is hard, trust me I know.
Maybe the two of you should plan a trip somewhree overnight. You need to find each other again before it is too late.
I spoke to my mom (leaving most of the details out) about this and she told me to leave the kids with her and go out to dinner or something. I'm shocked that her reply wasn't "oh, that jerk" but rather "you're just both tired and need some time alone"
She probably understands. It's so normal for relationships to dwindle after a baby is born. It becomes all about the child and we forget about eachother. I had the same thing happen when my ds was born. My fiance and I decided we needed some date nights and we got back on track. It keeps the fire going, it felt like we were a couple again. It's really hard to focus on the relationship when you have children who have their own needs that must be met. You are both exausted and overwhelmed. It is great that she is being supportive and is willing to help you two out. Take her up on the offer and rekindle your marriage.
OMG, Me2 I am so sorry. WTF is with men? I am sorry, he has some poor excuses. Marriage is for better or worse. This is just a phrase every couple with kids go through if he can't grow up and be a man and handle this like a normal man does then he needs to go to you know where. I am sorry I am furious and shocked and I fell terrible for you and the kiddos. We have quite similar situation and this really upsets me. HAve you guys talked about resolution?
Me2, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I would be irrate if my DH had been talking to a friend, especially female, about marital problems. You have every right to be upset.
The good part about this mess is that things are now out in the open and you both still want the marriage to work. That's something that not every couple in this situation has!
In regards to the trust issues you now have, I don't blame you one bit! It might be worth a few counseling sessions together to learn how to work past that. It'd be a tough one for me too! Depending on the type of benefits your DH's employer offers you might be able to do it for free. Check into it. It can't do anything but help.
Also, I completely and totally agree about having date nights!!!!!!!!
You're mom is smart. For the good of your family, you both need the date nights (or a long weekend here and there if you can swing it). Besides, it will be nice for your kids to spend some time with grandmother. My memories of my grandmother were the highlight of my childhood.
I used to work with mostly married women w/kids and what you said in your original post, I heard a lot. The ones who were happiest seemed to take the time to work on their relationships.
DH and I are having the same problems except there are no other outside influences. We just don't feel like we are so good at this couple thing since Jake arrived.
He gets really defensive and worries about what I'm doing all the time. I work as an admin for several men and he's a little jealous. It is just because we spend so much energy at work and then are spending all our home time attending to 2 kids....it's rough.
Marriage however is for better or worse....We are at the 'worse' right now. But neither have ever thought about leaving or cheating.
Although - there have been some nights I've asked hubby (as a joke) to go find someone else....just to tired when he was in the mood.
he's not even asking for sex anymore. just being a little more effectionate is all he needs (yeah,, right) I guess part of the problem is that I dont feel comfortable with my body anymore. My stomach looks gross after two kids, I still have the weight I gained during pregnancy, etc etc. I'm sure some can relate
I can totally relate but I am sure your hubby doesn't mind. I hate my stomach now, extra skin, stretch marks but my dh doesn't seem to mind. He gets annoyed when I complain about it and tells me I am beautiful. It doesn't sound like your dh minds. Just try to forget about it, I know it is hard.
I am having problems with my husband too.. What is going on with men these days huh?? My husband choses his friends and drinking than his own family. i just wish you luck, i hope it all works out for you.
Totally relatable. My belly is horrible. GNicole and I talk about how we feel about our stomachs so often. I always cover it with my hand and my fiance always tells me to stop, that I am beautiful. The other day he was telling me how beautiful I was and I said no I'm not. He got upset with me because I said that I wasn't. He said I have to stop being so insecure. I think after babies, we all feel the same way.
Well - our problem is not sex really either....it's about me not totally making him my universe anymore, and what happened to how much you loved taking care of me or were so happy to see me when I'd get home from work....blah blah blah....
I'll tell him what happened - He got me pregnant 5 times!!!!
I work full time and have two kids, a dog, two cats, a house, and a yard/pool to take care of.
Well, HELLO - we have two kids who demand most of our attention, by the end of it all, I can be his everything....He never realized how much he would now have to share my attention, and it's killing him.
Driving him nuts that he thinks my attention is so focused on someone else .....I'm like 'yeah it is' 'Your son'....Jumping from 1 kid to 2 really has put a strain on us as a couple.....
He knew from the beginning I'm not the type of person to constantly reassure him of my devotion to him...now he seems to need it and I just can't provide it.....
These men just have to stop being p****ies and Man Up!
Your dh sounds like a typical man. They are so selfish. My gosh, how dare you devote yourself to your children. Terrible woman you. These men are like children. Constantly needing to be pampered. Well guess what, you are his wife not his mommy. He needs to get over it. I swear I'm going to teach my son to be independent and not to rely on a woman because I don't want him tormenting his wife and making her feel like she should be catering to him.
Oh, NO! That just breaks my heart for you. I mean if I had to go through that also with the post partum hormones it would be doubly horrible. I'm with you about feeling betrayed, I don't know how to justify that one. Maybe you need to take the kids to your moms for a few days just to get your thoughts together. Sometime these days, I act out of rage and still think I was 100% right and think a couple days later that BOY, must be those hormones. You could have your mom help w/the kids and take a little time for yourself. Get your hair/nails done and boost your esteem. Rest will do wonders. I hope you decide to stay but we will be here if you don't!
I've decided to stay. He called today and asked to talk to DD, I put him on a speaker phone. He told her "honey, daddy loves you very much" and she took the reciever and pressed it against her little heart so hard...it made me cry. She loves him and runs to him when he comes home. Her face lights up when she sees him. I can't put the kids through the hurt so I've decided to work at it with him. He's willing to do anything to make it work. I'm just so frustrated with him for putting us through this. I guess I should've seen it coming. I mean, we haven't had time to ourselves in months. If we do drop off the kids to his parents, it's usually to go food shopping and it's gotta be done quickly b/c the kids are a handful.
Maybe after all of this you will strengthen your relationship. I know it sounds stupid but after a huge, wicked fight and close to breaking up, my fiance and I decided we wanted to make it work. Now, we kind of pick and choose our battles and it made our relationship better. See what happens but I bet you both will make more of an effort in the relationship. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
Yeah I think you and hubby need a vacation without the kids for a weekend. Not that it will mend things right away but at least the two of you can hang out and be adults again. You have inspired me to take my much needed date night. After having a baby I think you lose who you are and what defines you (especially when your once hot body is no longer hot and all you feel like is one giant flabby piece of hanging skin....Oppps did that just come out of me, I guess that is how I feel...LOL)! Thats where we rely on our husbands to help us feel beautiful and loved, we have put complete trust in them that they wont cheat on us and that they will love our after-baby body.
It seems like your hubby thinks you are beautiful and he is willing to do anything to make it work because he loves you.
Good luck, I am sure everything will work out!
Marriage is work, pure and simple. What he did was wrong, as he should've come to you with his feelings/problems, but men are not the greatest communicators and he probably just wanted to bounce his thoughts off of another woman to get her reaction, just like you've been bouncing your thoughts on here.
I know that at times my dh has felt a little left out and second fiddle to our two kids... I'm usually totally exhausted by the time he gets home from work (a 17mo. old and an 8 wk old will do that to you!:)), and often forget that my dh needs attention too.
I'll probably get slammed for this, but I love listening to Dr.Laura and have her book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". I've done a lot of the things she's suggested, and they really do make a difference! For example, every day as tired as I am from being up nursing my son, I still get up in the morning to pack my dh his lunch and see him off... and every day he gets a different little love note in his lunch bag. It literally only takes me a few moments, but my dh has told me many times how much he loves and looks forward to his notes. When cleaning the other day I saw he has a box in his office where he puts them all... he actually keeps every one! I also make a concious effort to tell him every day that I love him, that I find him to be the sexiest man on the planet (and overlook the fact that he's gained several pounds and lost more hair), and that I am blessed to have him as my husband. And you know what? Just like the book says, the more "I" do for my dh, the more he does for me. Men really do need to be nurtured as much as your kids... in fact, from my experience, they need even more when you do have kids!
Keep the faith and be true to those vows you made when you got married. He hasn't cheated, just confessed that he needs more. The fact that he's willing to jump through hoops for you, says that he still finds you desirable, and is a great father shows that you've got a good man. Put him as your first priority and I bet your marriage will improve by leaps and bounds. Even if you can't always get away from home, try putting your DD to bed early at least once a week. Take the phone off the hook, cook a special meal for two, put on a sexy outfit and rekindle the love that brought the two of you together in the first place.
deanne- You crack me up...lol..I must admit that I'll stop reminding DH where the door is b/c this is what got us where we are in the first place. I kept telling him "you're not happy, good bye" and I guess he figured "oh well, can't talk to her anymore" so he went and found someone who'd listen.
Seeingspot- you're absolutely right. I need to get that book and read it too!! Men are like kids and are sometimes jealous of the attn that they're not getting anymore even though this attn is shared with the kids they love so much.
You know, as much as I love, adore and can't imagine life without my two boys, they aren't my "soul mate"... that's my dh. He's my better half, and life without him would just not be living. Even when we've had a disagreement, I've never even joked that the door was there, because, God forbid, if he ever did use it I don't know how I'd go on... it's not that I couldn't physically manage (I have a college degree, had a prestigous job and had bought my own home all on my own before meeting dh), but emotionally I'd be destroyed without my dh.
Sometimes I think we women forget that men are just as easily hurt by our words as we'd be if they used them on us. We are brought up to believe that men are tough and just need to take whatever screaming and yelling we women dish out, but even men have a breaking point. My dh said in a joking manner the other day that he doesn't get "action" any more now that our 2nd ds has been born, and I could've easily come up with some nasty retort, but instead I bit my tongue and admitted to myself that yes, I haven't made any effort in that department... I've been tired and not in the mood. But what about his moods? To a guy sex with his wife equals closeness, and I had to admit to myself that I haven't been giving him the attention he *deserved*, not just "needed". And ya' know what? As much as I thought I wasn't in the mood, once we got busy, I WAS then in the mood!! hahaha!!
Yeah - I promised DH that I'd stop saying that too....well, until tonight...LOL
He gets so hurt....'You act like you don't need me'....Well - I dont...I love you but I don't need you.....
I just get sick of the 'pay attention to me thing'....I got a 6 month old practically biting off my boob and a 3 year old trying to figure out where the milk is coming from....and him saying...'look at me - look at me'....I don't think so!
Look - I'm not as horrible as I sound and a lot of my mood probably stems from me having PPD...still not certain but I'm sure I do.
I love my DH dearly but its freaking hard especially since going back to work full time...I give working mothers who have kids lots and lots of credit....this is the toughest I've ever had it in my life.
At the same time, I'm not agreeing to treating my DH the same as a child and hand hold him like my kids....just not happening...Grow up for crying out loud.
You know what, try this-- next time you want him to wash a bottle say in a sexy voice,
"Hey Honey, if you help me out by washing some of the baby's bottles, I'll make it up to you by washing any part of you that you desire!!"
I know men aren't as tough as we think and I don't expect DH to be but I can't be his everything anymore....when he wants at his time. When there is a screaming baby to attend to, sorry the baby comes first.
And my DH can't complain about the sex...although he does....He's been getting it 4-5 times a week since a week of DS was born....and I'm not having much fun in that dept....so it's all for him.
As for soul mate...yes he is. But if he chose to leave me....I wouldn't be emotionally destroyed...that's his choice...something I couldn't control. I don't sweat those things.
I would say that its not a good idea that he talks to ex's or even other women about ya'lls problem because if there interested in him they are just feeding off him...trying to act like a friend and then waiting for the kill...He probably cant get good advice from another man either so I dont really know what to say, I can say that I wouldnt have a real good reaction, and I know if I was talking to an ex about my marriage my husband WOULD freak! I always tell him dont do anything you wouldnt want me to do. Good Luck...marriage is sooooooooo hard!
He still loves you, and finds you sexy, and obviously wants to work things out. If your mom offered to keep the kids some .... let her !!!! Every married couple needs to still go out on 'dates'. Even if it's just going out to eat together (even a fast food place ... no need to spend lots of money at a resturant). Or make sandwiches & have a picnic at a park. Anything to spend time together. If your mother if comfortable keeping your kids over night... let her. You & him could rekindle some romance without the kids in the house.
I'm a stay-at-home mom with a 3 yr old ... and I have a 13 yr old with ODD, IED, & bipolar. Trust me ... I'm stressed out every day !!!! There's days that I dont get along with my hubby ... but most days we do. We're stressed because we're broke. He wants me to get a job, but we cant afford daycare.
Loving husbands (most of them) like our bodies ... even if we dont. I b*tch & complain all the time about wanting to lose weight. But my husband doesnt mind how I look. I have been doing some exercises, and trying to eat less ... but the inches just dont seem to come off.
Do you enjoy board games? Sometimes my hubby & I sit on the bed & play Scrabble after the kids go to bed. Or a card game. It's time for us to talk & have fun. He wont play battleship with me anymore though ... he's a sore loser. LOL !!!! I think you just need to try to spend more time together doing little things (washing dishes, playing outside with the kids, family outing at a park). Watching tv/movies together doesnt count for much, because your not talking. You need to do things where you can talk to each other. Mention fun things that happened in the past. Funny things ... like when you were dating, or when you first met. Think of some things ... then out of the blue, say 'remember when .....'. If thinking of those happy/funny times makes you smile, I promise it will make him smile too !!!
Me2- yeah, it's a great book if you're open about it... she's pretty straight forward, and if you are the "scr%w him, he needs to please me first" type of person, then you probably won't like it. She talks about what's in the book here: http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=36470
to give you a preview.
I love what a difference it's made in our marriage, and I can honestly say, that like her quote from the book, my husband will "swim through shark infested waters to bring me a lemonade."
deanne11- wow! You are busy in the bedroom! :) LOL But seriously, I think that if he's whining, maybe you need to have him clarify exactly what he's missing... you may have the exception there, but men usually have a reason behind their complaints. I dunno... to me having a soul mate means that he's the other half of you, so of course I would be emotionally destroyed if my dh left. My dh has said the same about me- that if I ever left or cheated on him I might as well shoot him... it would be less painful, because he'd be destroyed. There's nothing wrong with having that deep of a connection. Infact, that's what a good marriage should be, but to get there there has to be a lot of give and take. You have to be willing to listen and show respect. I don't view it as "my house", but rather "our house", so if my dh wants to whine, well, that's his perogative too. Heaven knows that "I" whine!!! Especially when I'm PMS'ing or had a hard day with the kids!!! (ps. I'm not attacking you, so please don't take it as such.)
deanne11 - holy crapola, 4-5 times a week? My fiance would be ecstatic. He's lucky to get it a couple times a week. We have different schedules so it's hard to stay up for him to get home.
SeeingSpots - lol...yeah I'm sure if I said it that way I would get the bottles washed. Although, I would be lying to him because I'm sure I would be sleeping. I try my hardest in that department but I have such low energy. I will try harder though because I know if he's happy with our sex life then he won't complain as much.
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