In-law rant! Or is it hormones? / use as open forum

I just need to gain some perspective on my situation.
My family is VERY supportive of me and the baby and my BF.  They would do ANYTHING to help if we needed it even if it meant causing huge inconviniences on them.  It's just how they are. My mom is so sweet and thoughtful and she is so giving.  Here's the thing, am I just to spoiled by them or is this a sucky situation?  My mom is throwing the babyshower for US and I feel like my family is doing everything.  My father just bought us the crib (and mind you, it was pricey) my mother is throwing the babyshower for about 100 people, buying decorations etc. My best friend is buying us the cake and the party souvenirs (about 80 or so), my cousin wants to buy us the stroller we want (another pricey item, even more than the crib) and I bought the invitations (100 of them). Also, since my parents (1st time grandpa & grandma) found out it was a girl, they've been buying so much stuff for her. I have a whole dresser full of clothing for her already!

[newbie2b]

Originally, I thought that his side of the family were going to throw their own babyshower because he has SO many family members. At least 30-40.  But it didnt turn out that way which is fine, the more the merrier.  So My bf asked my mom what could his family do.  My mom and I thought that it would be a good idea, since there is so much family, for them to make the food. Again, this is a lot of work but, bf thought it was fair since everyone is doing something for us.  Well, it seems his mom (other grandma) is not keen to the idea of supplying the food. This really is upsetting me. Why should my family and I have another expense added on and them not do a thing but show up and eat. I dont want to sound ungrateful and selfish but, I would like things to be 50/50 if possible or at least 40/60.  I mean, is it my baby more than it is his? I mentioned this to my mom in privacy and she said if it's a problem, she'll just have the food catered.  Did I mention that my mother and father are giving us two months rent so we dont have any problems when I go on manternity leave?  I dont know what to think. I dont even talk to bf about it because, I dont want to fight but, it really bothers me.  Am I wrong? Sorry for the long post

[girlybuff]

I don't think it's so wrong but I think you have to let it go.  If your family wants to throw you a shower then let them.  If you expect things from people they will continuously disappoint you.  Enjoy your shower and be grateful your family is as loving and generous as they are.
PS
My family paid for everything for my shower from invites, to the restaurant to the food to the favors to all of my furniture and most of my gifts.

[jennifer1977]

I know your family is doing everything, but maybe his wants to support they just cant monetarily.  Are they as set money wise as your family sounds?  Maybe they arent but are too embarrassed to say.  Try to understand them, maybe they are thinking its like the wedding where the brides family does everything.  But even then the grooms does rehearsal dinner...

I hope you all can come to terms and settle this.  Try to voice your questions to your bf without sounding mean or judgemental.  You may get a different perspective, and their lack of participation now in providing things, does not translate into loving your child any less than your family.

[newbie2b]

Your right.  I just hate that they have to take that added step. I would rather even pay for the food myself (which I'm seriously considering) then to put them out more than they are already.  There not complaining and never do, but I just feel so badly.

[Agiesmom]

I completely agree with what girlybuff wrote.

You can't make anyone behave a certain way.  You can't make them care or feel any particular way either.  But you can control how you react to others and situations you may not like.  I'd stay focused on that.  And I'm sure your BF is feeling bad, hurt, and maybe embarrassed by his family.  Your talking to him about it will make things strained between the two of you.  Focus on your happiness, this baby, and be appreciative of what your family is doing for you.

[newbie2b]

I'll just have to accept it for what it is. We're latin and so it's our tradition to cook for all of our occasions (even babyshowers).  My bf said to me any my mom that his family are ALWAYS cooking for some event or another (since there such a big family, there is always something going on). This is why he didn't think it was a problem.  He even offered to buy the ingredients for his aunt (mostly because he loves her food..lol) He's trying but I guess we will just have to move on.  The baby is what matters most.

[low22]

Welcome to my world!  My family spent 12K on my wedding and his did nothing!  They threw a small rehearsal dinner and gave us liek $75 for a honeymoon!!!!  My mom is sick and has never worked so I know my mil and fil probably bring in as much as my dad.  But ANYWAY -- my mom and sis are throwing me a shower too and I'm just lettin git happen.  For me, I'd rather not have my mil do anything.  She's so cheap and backwards and it would be hideous.  

But I do understand your frustration and it is so easy to let it eat away at you.  I've been there.

[low22]

What kind of stroller are you looking at !?!?!?!?!  More than the crib!!!

[cantwait4baby]

Go ahead and Vent girl you need too.  I would not worry too much, it is always a bigger deal to the mommy's side it is maternal.  Not sure why it just is and you are right by not bringing it to your boyfriends attention because he sounds very supportive of you all the time and it is not his fault his family just is not as "into" baby as your family is.  You are very lucky and very fortunate to have such a wonderful family and they will be the ones that will get to have all the attention of baby:)

My parents, sister and friends are throwing all my stuff too = about 80 people not 100 like you Missy.  :)  But only about 10 of those people are on my BF side but they are great, they wanted to chip in for a hall and I would not allow it so my mom is just having it at her house.  I didnt want an added expense on anyone.  I know his family is just as excited they just dont have $$. Neither do mine but mine would sell their home for this baby - I think my parents think baby is theirs already. :)

So just try to relax and enjoy your moment and dont think of the negative.  Tell your boyfriend you would like to try to give your parents some money for the shower if he can squeeze it and maybe that will push him to ask his family on his own without you having to get in the middle???  BTW - what kind of coach did you get?

[jd1419]

Since you said bf was going to help buy some of the ingredients for his aunt to cook--maybe he can sisde step his mom and just ask his aunt---it seems if they are used to cooking all the time it should not be a big deal to do it for their grandchild--just have him ask his aunt direct--let her know how much he likes her cooking.

[newbie2b]

I am extremely luck to have my family. I've always know that and to be honest, is the reason why I was always sure that I would be a great mom (wow, sounds a bit too confident...lol)  They've been more than I could have ever expected and they are the reason why I am the way I am and have been able to have the life that I've had.  They made it a point to give me more (better schools etc..) even though we didnt come from much.  I couldn't ask for greater parents.


Low22: My bf and I are really in love with the Bugaboo frog.  It's great for us because, we dont own a car, (who can in this city) it's extrememly durable and is very light (for the nyc subway rides).  We were going to buy it ourselves (to expensive to register for) but my cousin (she's like my sister, my mom adopted her when we were younger) wants to get it for us.  

[Wooly25]

My in-laws are actually the ones throwing my baby shower.  I imagine that they will be the ones to but most of the expensive gifts.  We live about 20 min from the in-laws and five hours from my parents.  So we just figured we would do two showers, my in-laws are throwing one for my friends and family down here, and when one of my good friends offered to throw one up north, I asked my parents if they wanted to do it, and just have her help being this is their first grandchild.  Anyways my step-mother told me I was greedy to ask them to have a shower, I wasn't asking for one, just thought I would offer them a chance to show off their grandchild, (since it will be after the baby is born) I don't want to have to drive that far while pregnant.  Anyways, so know i am greedy for offering it to them before telling my friend that if she really wanted to do one that she could.   So now since my parents don't want to do one, I told my friend it was ok, if she really wanted to throw one.  Anyways lets just say my parents nor my step-mother's family will be invited.  (My really mom is going to help my friend, she actully cares about me.)  Let's just say I don't go up north very often, or call I tend to get very upset, and just want to scream.  Thanks all, I hope that you shower works out newbie.

[GNicole]

My parents are also footing the bill for my shower to and buying a glider rocker for the nursery.  They have also bought tons of clothes, blankets etc.  My husband's mother is single and doesn't have as much money so she isn't chipping in anything or helping with the shower. She said she doesn't want to impose. Don't get me wrong she is very nice she just never helps.  But my sister in law said it is a good thing if she doesn't help because she is not real helpful-go figure. I feel bad that my parents have to foot the bill but they want to.  I am only having 40 people to my shower.  I now how frustrating it can be at times. My family always helps!! :)

[newbie2b]

There are only going to be 100 or so people because MOST of them are HIS family. I have a small family. Very small compared to his...lol

[GNicole]

So your family has to pay for his family-that hardly seems fair! :(

[newbie2b]

Pretty much.  That's why it bothers me.  I'm sending out about 30 or so invites to his family alone.  But for each address there is like 3-4 people coming (children, spouses.. etc).

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Could it be a cultural thing?  I have never heard of such a huge shower.  It is certainly not the norm where I am from.  My inlaws are Dutch immigrants and I know in their culture only close friends and immediate family give gifts and that is usually on the occassion of the christening.  

Maybe your inlaws dont' understand your desire to have a large party.  

Let it go, pick your battles.  Have fun at your shower, it's obvious your family is happy to do this for you.  It does not mean that your inlaws do not care.  My inlaws don't hardly ever give gifts.  However, they did give me a $2000.00 check for our family vacation fund.  So, if they don't give me a shower I will cut them some slack.

[newbie2b]

It's not that I WANT a big shower.  I'm not the type of person to do things big and extravagant.  I really and truly am not. I perfer things intimate,simple and elegant. Even for our wedding (in 08), we plan to wed in costa rica (alone) and have a dinner when we get home to celebrate (and we intend to pay for it all).  
But the reason why it's turing into such a big thing is because, he has such a large family.  And of course I cant not invite all of his family.  That would be wrong. His mom has 6 sisters and 5 brothers. If it was just me and my friends and family, we probably would have about 30 people.
My family has a true babyshower in mind. They on the other had have a "party" in mind. There just different.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

You can certainly choose who to invite.  Your shower should be with folks who will see this baby on a routine basis.  I didn't even invite all my aunts and uncles to our wedding, just the ones I was close to.  

Do what works for you.  Dont' feel pressured.  This should be a fun thing.

All my showers were surprises, I thought I was having dinner at a friends house and 15 people were there.  It was fun.

This is baby # 3 so I am not expecting any showers.  That is unfortunate as I thought I was done and gave away much of my baby things!!!

Good luck and try not to stress.  Make sure this day is fun.