Is this FAIR??

[BabyHardiman]

Most of you know my history, and the history of my Fiance'.  I am really upset over a conversation he and I just had about Christmas, and Thanksgiving.  I would like opinions, please, and please be completely honest with me - I need honesty right now.

My Fiance' has 3 other daughters by 2 other women.  Well, this year for Christmas we can not go and get his 2 kids by his first marriage until after 3 PM.  My fiance' just INFORMED me that he wants Ava to wait until the other kids get here to open HER Christmas gifts.  I am SO upset about this!  We can not even leave to get them until 3, we get to their house at 3:45, we want be able to leave right away because they will want to show Daddy all the cool stuff they got from Mommy, and their other 3 sets of Grandparents...so basically we will not be back home until DARK because the sun starts going down here at 4:00 PM.  Please tell me if this is fair to Ava?  Should she have to wait the entire day to open her Christmas gifts from us, and from Santa?

Why does he feel this is fair?  Who is this being fair to?  

When they come over they will have arm fulls of toys, and what nots to bring here to play with.  Maybe Ava want realize it this year, but what about later on?  How will making her wait all day make her feel?

What would you ladies do?  I would love to read how other blended families handle Holidays.  

[fungirl1011]

I would recommend that you compromise and let her open her gifts form "Santa" when she gets up so she has something to show the other kids, and then let her open the gifts from you and hubby when the other children get there.  That way everyone can be together when you exchange gifts as a family.  That is what we do with our kids.  Hope it works out how you want it to ;)  Good luck. Kasie

[have 2 kids]

Honestly this year won't be a problem.   She won't understand at all what is going on or that she had to wait.   Don't worry about it until she is older.

[BabyHardiman]

I just can't do it!  This is my baby''s first Christmas and I want it to be special for HER, and for me as a first time Mommy.  I want to wake up on Christmas and have all the excitement that every other American family is having... just as his other kids will be doing early on Christmas morning.  This is what he feels is appropriate for her every year, not just this one.

[AndiJ78]

Why don't they split it between Christmas Eve and Christmas? That is my what parents did, I spent Christmas Eve with my real mom and her side and Christmas Day with my dad. He would come and pick me up after we got back from my grandma's house and we would sleep at his house that night and have Christmas morning at his house, then spend the rest of the day with my stepmom's family.

They did this for years and it worked well for us.

[RockRose]

Okay,  here it comes,  you asked for it,  honesty!

Those who say she is too young to notice are right.  This child will not have any memories of this Christmas,  and possibly even next Christmas,  but her sisters will,  and your husband will,  and he wants to see all his daughters (except I guess the missing one) celebrate together.

Here's the deal.  You  are in a situation,  by your own choosing,  that requires a great deal of flexibility,  and you are being incredibly rigid at every turn.  There is no reason for her to open gifts in the morning,  none at all,  you're being unreasonably rigid.

When she's 4 this will matter.  This Christmas,  you have the great luxury of giving your fiance exactly what he wants here - flexibility.  

This is your life now,  BH.  You are not in a family where she is the only child - in fact,  his other daughters are much more a concern this Christmas because they ARE aware and have feelings about this even,  she has none.  

Deep breath.  Let it go.  You won't be happy,  any holiday,  if you don't give in a little.

It's not that I don't empathize - I would be feeling some of this too - this is the lot of blended families.  You gotta have a LOT of "give" - and you don't seem to have any at all when it comes to compromising with his other kids.

Best wishes.  I really hope you are able to see this point because if you don't,  your life is headed for more misery and anger.

(Insert empathetic face here,  because I do feel that although it doesn't come across in the words).

[BabyHardiman]

Last year Santa came on the Eve of Christmas Eve (meaning they woke up on Christmas Eve and Santa had came to Daddy's house) and his ex wife was FURIOUS with him for it.  Told him he was going to hell, and that he would NEVER have them on Christmas Eve again.  It was a huge fight.

He only wanted to have the special time to see them wake up early and get super excited over seeing the tree full of presents, and their excitement that Santa made a special trip for them.  He told them that Santa had them on his list to deliver special gifts to their Daddy's house.  His Ex Wife is not going to allow Santa to come early this year.

Maybe I'm just being a big cry baby about all of this.  

    

[BabyHardiman]

You do not know HALF of what I have given up and COMPROMISED for those kids.  

His life is CENTERED around them!  I am lonely now more lonely than I think I have ever been.  

Just say what you really feel Rock, you think I suck at this though I leave out most EVERTHING that happens in this family... I ONLY ask opinions that I feel are hurtful to me.. right now I can't type hardly because you have yet again made me CRY.  That is why I hate this site anymore.

I think this relationship will end anyway.. I guess I'm too selfish to be stepmom.  After all I have nothing left to give because I've given them MY ALL.

[AndiJ78]

I think there is a great deal to be learned from this for you and for others. His life should be centered around his children, you are upset because it is not centered around yours alone. I can understand that, but he does have other kids that are important as well.

However, if you want this to work, you have to bend where you can and this is a point where you can and where you should. Everyone here noted what I left out because the moment I say it, you will get angry with me. Ava is too young to care when she opens the presents or who is there. Why do his daughters have to be there when Ava opens her gifts? Tell them Ava got hers in the morning when they opened their gifts at their moms but that you held onto their gifts until they got there.

Your relationship will never work if you use Ava as a reason to support your feelings at every turn. It is okay to be angry on your own behalf, but it is unlikely he will care either way at the rate this relationship is going.

Does this make you wonder why things didn't work with the other women? At any point when you see these things, does it make you pause and say "no wonder why they are no longer together." Ever?

[alaysha]

I think you have to be flexible. This is going to be Aspen's first Christmas and Birthday and I'm spending it at two different places. Christmas is going to be celebrated at one house on the actual Christmas day and the other is going to be celebrated on January 6th. Her birthday which is originally Dec 23rd I'm not celebrating until January 3rd and January 9th. On her birthday I want to be able to give her ALL her gifts but in reality I'll probably just give her something special to eat and then let her open her presents at the party on the 3rd and then she can open her presents from her dad on the 9th. She isn't going to realize that she is missing out on anything and I feel that it would be more exciting for her to have lots of kids around to open gifts with (aka her birthday) then to open them at my house by herself.

I think your husband just wants to see all of his girls open their gifts together. Maybe have a special gift that she can open in the morning and make her a stocking with lots of little things. But--and I am really not trying to hurt your feelings--you really need to be flexible. The whole situation is making a big deal out of something really small. Why does she HAVE to open them Christmas morning? At least she gets to open them Christmas day.

[RockRose]

BH,  I don't think you suck,  or I wouldn't have even bothered giving you my opinion.  

And I agree, I think your relationship will end if you don't somehow come together with him on these issues.    What you need to be doing,  although it isn't true,  is make it appear that his daughters are as loved by you as your own daughters are,  and they are as big a priority as your own daughter.  

That's the only way to make a blended family work,  and you can't see that.  Your life,  as a stepmother in a blended family will be 100% about compromise,  and you can't even compromise on this very simple tiny little thing of putting off celebrating Christmas with your infant on Christmas morning.  You're not giving anything up here - nothing - because Ava doesn't care one whit,  and you can't even give that up to make your fiance and his daughters feel included.

I'm sorry I'm making you cry,  but this is the truth,  and if I thought you sucked I wouldn't keep trying to help.  You need to hear this message - although it's unpleasant - or you won't have an intact home anymore.  Take that from someone twice your age.

[babyscience]

I can totally understand how you feel.  This is your first christmas as a mom and you want to start your own tradiions with her.  I would say, always open gifts from "santa" in the morning, because every kids loves doing that...then open gifts from Mommy and daddy when the whole family is there together.  This christmas it probably doesnt matter too much, so maybe wait until next year to throw a stink about it.  But I do feel for you and I would also be upset, but I understand where your fiance is coming from too, because he wants to celebrate it as a whole family.  This man really loves his two girls and I am sure it kills him not to see their faces light up on christmas, so be understanding of that too.

[misslollipop]

I understand how you feel, I have 4 step kids and we have them on chrismas eve and they open our presents from us then cause it's the only way that jhett will have a proper christmas, but my family is also german so they celebrate on christmas eve, the only down fall is that they are very selfish kids and once they have opened there presents they want to go back to thier mums place to wait for santa. So Jhett will never experience a proper christmas, In my opinion let ava open some on christmas morning and the rest when the other kids get there otherwise she will feel in herself when she is older that it's unfair and maybe starting to resent the older siblings. But in being a step parent it's hard and i must say i give all the kids the same attention but i do see them all as my kids aswell and accept them.

[tiredbuthappy]

you may want to come up with a logical way to divide what is opened when. For example, in my family christmas eve is the more important holiday and that is when gifts are opened. we cannot be with both sides of the family on christmas eve, and i don't want one side to feel like they missed everything. we plan on opening gifts on christmas eve, and stockings on christmas morning. maybe you could open gifts under the tree first thing in the morning and save stockings for later, or vice versa. (of course the stocking can be a bit bigger to accomodate more gifts).

i realize you feel as though you sacrifice and give your all. you do give so much. the problem seems to be that this life is not what you had envisioned. unfortunately, it is becoming very apparent that you cannot have the life you envisioned. you are trying to do the blended thing, but you are not happy. this is where you need to decide
A) if things are ever going to change so that you are happy,
B) if you will continue to go on as things are and be miserable,
C) if you can find a way to be happy with the current arrangement, or
D) if you need to seriously reconsider your life arrangement and your relationship with DH, since DH is clearly a package deal.
Honestly, based on what you have told us, he is most likely not going to change his position on this. So it all falls on to you to do some soul searching and decide what is best for you. The situation is making you miserable. That is not fair to anyone involved. And it's not going to get any easier with time. I definitely don't envy you and hope you have someone you can talk to about this.

[amberd5191]

This is a very touchy post. I think letting Ava open a few gifts would be okay.
I think maybe your Fiance' wants to see the joy of all of the kids together opening gifts together, I know it's hard but there has to be a common ground somewhere around the corner.

[lhughes]

It's a pain, but as others have said, find a way to open up (or see) specific presents at specific times so that you, dh, and ava have a "christmas" as family...then do the other kids when you are allowed.  You know (and I've experienced this too) that you will always be at the whim of the other kids mothers.  Unfortunately it's just how it is.

We do christmas in the weirdest way around here to cope with my ex-SIL's rules.  This year ought to be even more difficult since bro's current wife is not allowed up at my mom's house (where he is currently living) and who knows what the ex-SIL will allow, if anything.

So, break christmas up into small portions.  Each being specific to whomever is in attendance at the time.  I do encourage your dh to think of having a small celebration with you and ava away from the other kiddos just to make your new family separate from the angst of the rest of the extended family.  It's odd, but it can be nice in smaller chunks.  Sometimes though it makes for more presents than intended, but it does work.

Christmas doesn't always have to be celebrated on christmas unless you have REALLY small kiddos (which you do).  Then it doesn't have to be elaborate, but it should be for her.

Good luck, I know it's a mess.  I hope you guys can come to an agreement that will work for everyone.

[surprisebaby]

Sorry BH...I have to agree with everyone else on here.  Your dd will not know anything different for at least 2-3 years.  I was sooooo excited with my babies "1st" Christmas' also, and to be perfectly honest...it wasn't until their 4th Christmas' that was AMAZING!!!  Try to have some flexibility now...later on it will be easier because the other girls will be that much older...and no one says that every year will be like this one.  I sympothize with you.  I understand where you are coming from, but it really won't make any difference to Ava.  (BTW, I checked out your pic of her and she is BEAUTIFUL!!!!)

[peekawho]

I don't have anything special or unique to say.  I did see where you say that he wants this arrangement every year, not just this year.

Obviously, as everyone else has said, there has to be compromise.  On one hand, yes...this is her first Christmas, and you want it to be special.  I hear that, and can understand it.  
On the other hand, she won't know or care if she opens presents in the morning, or the afternoon--this year, anyway.  After this year, it will be much more important to have a routine that is fun, happy, and predictable.

My sister was divorced, and they switched every year, who opened gifts where, and whether it was Christmas or Christmas eve.  You have the added complication of not one, but 2 other childrens families to consider.  Unfortunately, you have signed up for this, and you and your fiance will have to sit down and work out a routine that is fair and equal.  

If you two can't do this, on this one issue, then you have to consider whether your relationship together is workable.  And its not the first issue you've raised about what's fair or not, in regards to all the children.  

Find something workable that is fair (and no, it may not be exactly what you envisioned), or you will have to seriously consider what the future will hold for you, as a stepmother to a blended family.

Peek

[RockRose]

Hm.  I don't see where it's an every year thing,  in fact,  I see where she says "This year for Christmas".  

I would feel differently if this were 4 years down the road and the child has to wait til the afternoon to open Santa gifts.  That's a different story completely - but THIS year,  I just can't see a conflict.

[pcarsey]

" This is what he feels is appropriate for her every year, not just this one. " she did state that RR on her response to have 2 kids.

BH- If he won't budge on it at all, why don't you just get her a "special gift from mommy" to open up in the morning. That way it will at least be special for you and her if no one else?

[RockRose]

pcarsey,  I see that now,  thanks.

That's not appropriate,  for when Ava is 3 or so,  to have to put off Santa's wonder until late in the afternoon.  For this year,  and next,  it's totally appropriate,  and your idea of a special Mommy gift is a really good suggestion.

In a couple years,  it will certainly be time to work things out where Ava can have a Christmas morning with gifts opened at 6 a.m.   And by that time the older girls won't care anyway if they miss out on that.

[babyprayers]

I know this is hard for you, but for the sake of the girls,, all of them, try to compromise, I absolutely despise my ex, however I know how important it is for my 10 year old to see her dad on the major holidays.. understand something.. he lives in canada on the mohawk indian reservation so its not a 20 min drive across town we have to get up extra early, have our christmas then off to dads to have their christmas, its not convenient for me or my Dh, but Dominique is the important one. I know this is hard, however as others have stated, Ava is so very little, compromise this year and cross the other bridges when you come upon them, I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.  

[keekey]

I have a stepson, so I feel like I have the right to have an opinion on this....  The other kids get to open up their presents from Santa at their moms house in the morning, why should Ava be any different.  Maybe Ava can get a few extra presents from Santa at your house, and open those first thing on Christmas morning like every other child gets to do, and then open the rest from Santa with her sisters.  I think that is a good compromise.  I like Christmas to be about tradition, and you might as well set a regime now instead of changing it in 3 years when she notices a difference.  That is a compromise, not having a child and her mom wait until dark to celebrate Santa the first time, while the others are on Santas second or third set of gifts.  That is what I would do.  I like the joy of them all opening together, but I also like the joy and magice of Christmas morning, and I think Ava getting a few in the morning and then the rest at night is a perfect compromise.  

[pertykitty]

i think that there is a wall between you and your fiance.  since we dont know his side only yours i have to say i feel as though you are building it higher and higher every time there is a concern with "his" kids.  i understand the 1st xmas, i understand the go between as we do that with my son.  do you both sit and talk or does he tell you how it is or you demand it to be this way or that way?  i feel for you, you are the woman he is with now, and the only one he is able to tell how its going to go.  that is from your posts that i gather this.  

  there will be sacrifices from both sides for a blended family to work. it sounds as though his ex's rule his coop.  maybe he needs to have something decided either in court or by a lawyer so its not changed year to year its always understood.  my son always spends xmas eve with his dad because its also grandma's bday.  we then take turn whos house he wakes up on xmas day.  i take him for most holidays seeing as his dad isnt as close with his family so i dont mind him having that special day.  

[grammy64]

I cant figure out why BH has to be flexible as she signed up for this but her DH does not?  Hmmmm.  I like the idea of Ava getting Santa stuff on Xmas AM so you can have your new mommy amazing Xmas morning time and then open family gifts all together later in the day.  I wouldnt budge on whatever it is you think is best for Ava and make sure you make it clear that if it works for Ava then that will be the new tradition, especially once she gets to be 3 or 4 and from then on out (but it might just be that it does not work out for YOU the way you thought it would and you may WANT to be flexible and modify the plan...so keep that in mind).  I am not sure if anyone else said this as I did not read all responses, but when she does get to be 3 or 4 and gets it, if you have made it a tradition for her to open everything in the AM and you go to her sisters later in the day...THEY will be opening all the gifts from you, excited and wide eyed, and little Ava will be left out,having opened all her gifts in the AM...
Good luck.

[jenstam]

I agree with the flexibility. I also agree that Ava should be able to have special time with her Mom and Dad also. Open Santa gifts in the morning with Mom and Dad and then the other gifts once the girls get there later in the day.

Some things you are going to have to let go for the sake of your sanity and the peace of your family. I know you feel in your heart some things are so important and that you can't let them go, but you seem to get yourself so worked up and then it's hard to take a step back and look at it at all angles.

Now that the two of you have a child together, and there are other children involved, there will have to be flexibility and compromise. Your daughter will not remember this Christmas but I think it's a good idea to start a tradition now, so that everyone knows what to expect. Santa for Ava in the morning and then other gifts in the afternoon. Done. One problem solved, move to the next.

The two of you need to work together, not apart. You need to be a team. It's like you're fighting a battle and neither of you is winning. Put your boxing gloves down and work with each other, not against. I really wish both of you the best. If you can't resolve these little things there will be bigger problems in the future. Since shortly after you came to this site I've been behind you and impressed with your willingness to include his daughters and accept them and love them. I think you do have it in you to try, you just have to think of what benefits your family as a whole. Flexibility and compromise are going to have the be the key to peace and serenity for your family. BIG HUGS.

[mami1323]

This is again one of those things that needs to be worked out between the two of you.  I also don't understand why she needs to be the only one compremising (sp?) and flexible and her fiance can not.  But that's something BH needs to work on with him.  As far as the gifts go, I think open the special mommy gift (love that idea) and maybe one or two santa gifts and then the rest with the other girls.  If your fiance can't go along with that then there are more problems here then just opening gifts.  

[peekawho]

She shouldn't always have to compromise, but the fact he has 2 other children by 2 other women was known to her prior to the relationship, and obviously when you get into that situation, there are major, major issues that have to be juggled.  

Facts are facts.  Yes, they have Ava.  But he also has 2 other children, and that fact will never change.  She shouldn't have to always do what he wants, but unfortunately, when you get into a situation with multiple other families, more compromise will have to be done than if there weren't so many people to work around.

It may not always be fair, but lots of ladies have given good ideas.  

[RockRose]

BH,  if you are still reading this thread I hope your day is going better than yesterday and you and your fiance are in a better mindframe with each other.

Mami and grammy,  the reason I suggest BH be more flexible is because her fiance has already compromised all he can give.  He only has his daughters at certain times,  and his ex-wife (who no one has any control over) is inflexible.  She doesn't care if she's making their household miserable or not - it makes no difference to her.

The ONLY one who has any flexibility left - who cares about the BH household's happiness - is BH herself.  Ava is there full time,  BH has total control over her situation and her life,  her husband has to kind of beg and plead for the part of his daughter's life he can get,  and this one Christmas it seems like nothing,  to me,  to ask that they wait to open gifts later.  Christmases 3 years down the road will be totally different, and should center on Ava,  but now,  since this will not make a particle of difference to her,  this would be the perfect place to "flex".

BH has all the power here to make her household a joyous one for Christmas and not make it one more issue to fight about.  There will be plenty where the outcome matters,  this time,  it doesn't.  

It's all about making the best and picking battles that matter,  and this one doesn't.  Except to her fiance,  and his daughters.  

[mami1323]

I totally agree with being flexible now because of Ava's age.  I just want to play devil's advocate here.  Let's say she gives in yet again to her fiance's needs.  I completely get the blended family aspect here, I to have a blended family and have had issues with my fiance's daughter's mother being totally inflexible and having to lose out on a special holiday because she is completely difficult.  But let's say she gives in to this, then he is going to expect this to be the way it is all the time.  Like she said.  He has to learn to give a little as well.  So BH perhaps you can say, ok, I'm going to give her a couple gifts to open this time but we need to discuss what will happen next year and the year after that.  I think she needs to make it clear that this year she will bend but then the next year he will have to.  I am just afraid that he will forever control how things are going to be done.  That isn't how families work together, his way or no way.

[keekey]

When my husband and I got married, I remember getting a card that has always stuck in my mind (And there are plenty of times I have been guilty of not following it)...It read...
Remember always...your spouse deserves the same courtesies and kindness you bestow upon your friends.

Seems like this is a piece of what is missing for BH.

[babyscience]

I agree with mami on this one.  If she gives in now...who will say what will happen in 3-4 years, if she can ever regain her traditions.  Also kids only believe in Santa for such a short time, she might as well enjoy every year of it.  I still hold strong on opening santa's gifts in the morning and family gifts together.

[jenstam]

It's not really his way either though, since the ex wife is the one who is calling the shots here. So I think it is compromise for both of them to have their special gift opening of Santa's presents and maybe a gift or two from them before the other little girls get there, and then do the rest of the gifts once they get there.

This Christmas battle isn't really what this is all about though. This is about larger issues and I'm afraid if they don't work together on things like this they will be each fighting their own battle and the end result will be to end it. BH-were you able to discuss this any further?

[waitingwithhope]

Maybe you can arrange to give your daughter a special gift in the morning and take pictures and start a tradition that includes a special breakfast or a walk with just the three of you and then you can get her to open the other gifts when your fiance's children are over. Unfortunately, blended families are all about compromises and trying to put the needs of each of the children involved first. I think the other thing you are concerned about is the message that your finance is sending you- that he might value the older kids more than your child or your relationship with him. Or that your needs and desires are being ignored. That might be an underlying theme in your soon to be marriage so you might want to address that before you marry because things tend to get even more complicated after you marry. Sorry you are hurt over this!

[peekawho]

She said nothing at all about it being the ex's decision about when to open gifts.  She said it was her fiance who informed her of how it was going to be.

[mami1323]

She said the ex wife got pissed the last time because they had opened gifts on x-mas eve rather then on x-mas.  She said never again will he be able to do that.

[New Mommy 2 Be 2007]

i know how you feel last year my son's first christmas he was only 2 months i got him so much toys, it was so special to me. i wouldn't ruined that for u and your daughter just tell your husband NO! dont let him make u do something u dont want, becasue waiting until the end of the day is just stupid. tell him u want ur daughter to open them when you guys get up in the morning like every other normal family. maybe save a present to open when the other girls get there

[have 2 kids]

Well- as I said previously this year and maybe the next 1-2 won't mean anything to her.
But once she is old enough to know what's going on it will be an issue.   Sure- waiting will be hard.  But it's only till evening.  If you let her open her gifts in the morning and she has to sit and watch the girls open theirs later it will be extremely hard.   Kids don't always think about the fact that they already opened their gifts.   Do you want her feeling bad because she can't grasp the consept at 4 years old that she already opened her gifts?

[cantwait4baby]

wow this is a hard one. I am not in your shoes but just imagining that I am gets me upset I would never want to make my daughter wait to open gifts regardless of how old she is.  Santa leaves the toys under the tree for her to wake up with just as his other daughters will wake up with by Santa at their home.  I like the idea someone above mentioned and that was to let her play with and see her toys from Santa and when her sisters get there later on they can all open up their gifts to each other.  

All kids should get to wake up in their own home and see their gifts on Christmas morning - even seperated parents should agree - I am sure your fiance would not want his ex to hold back on their toys until three when he gets there.

I could also see why his ex was mad when they got to open their gifts on Christmas Eve.  Everyone who is seperated should come to an understanding for their kids.  I am with you on this one - I would not wait but I also would start a new tradition with Ava's siblings - something special - for just them every Christmas night - this way they have soemthing to look forward to when they come to your home.

Good LUck.

[pertykitty]

has anyone heard from her?  the hardest part here is there are 3 women he has to make happy.  of course bh is his love now so she should be the one he tries to make happy, but we all know that ex's can be ogres (meaning the women or the men).  i know i dated and i had a child from a previous marriage but i did date a man who also had a child from his marriage.  i vowed to NEVER date another man who had kids.  reason was the ex.  she would control and he would make her happy as to keep things easy, which he had a kid with her i was just the "girlfriend" but it made me feel as though it would always be that way.  

his 3 kids are all equal to him.  he loves them all and he should.  i have a feeling here (please dont get mad) that he has a bit of a handle so to speak on you.  i say this because you always post how upset you are with him.  you are angry and not sure how to keep things going then after talking to him you have retreated back to your previous stance and he still has the upper hand.  i think what really matters right now is you do what makes you happy with ava.  go buy her some gifts and open some up early.  have some for later when his kids show up.  if he doesnt like that well he has to learn he cant always have all the control!

[have 2 kids]

Christmas is not about opening gifts.........   Start a tradition that the 3 of you can do together.   Their are alot of things that can make christmas "special"

[pertykitty]

have 2 kids you have a good idea!  

[have 2 kids]

Thank you!   For a few years our family provided christmas for a less fortunate family.
It was very rewarding and taught our kids that christmas is not about receiving gifts.
One year we couldn't afford to do this.  Our kids asked us when we would be doing the shopping for another family when we explained we wouldn't be doing it because of finances they both said to take their gifts back and use that money.   We couldn't have
been prouder of our kids then at that moment.  

[BabyHardiman]

After talking at length about both of our concerns, we decided together that Ava will open her Santa presents and she will also open a special gift from the two of us on Christmas morning (thank you for that idea pcarsey).  We will save the rest of her presents to open from us for when her sisters are opening their gifts.

I had concerns about Ava waiting all day long to open her gifts.  I had concerns about the trips over to pick up her sisters and her having to ride all the way back home from her sisters mother's house empty handed while the others played with toys and things that they got to open on Christmas morning.  I looked at this thing from all angles, not just one sided.  I wanted to do what is fair for Ava.  After all she is my child.  I love her sisters very much, and I love that they have a Mommy who adores them and takes great care of them.  She is an excellent mother, and I have learned quite a bit from her.  Her current husband has two kids, so she has two step kids, and they have one child together.  The kids have a LARGE family.  :)  We have alot of people to accomodate in all of our houses.

Daddy wanted to see all the girls open their presents together, at one time.  He did not consider how Ava will feel a couple of years from now.  I want consistency in our lives.  I want our family traditions to start early in life for all the kids.  Of course we tried that last year opening presents on Christmas Eve morning, but their mother put a stop to that.  I guess I can't blame her for that, after all the kids do not have many years left to believe in Santa.. and she wants all the Santa glory.   However, when the kids find out that Santa is not "real" they will appreciate that one year their Daddy took the extra time to make them feel special.

Looking back on it I would say that I would react the exact same way all over again.  I want to give my daughter something that I never had as a child.  I truly believe that if I had had a normal, stable family that I would not be such a wreck right now.  I did not have a stable home EVER as a child... my mom hopped from house to house, and from man to man.  I was never made to feel special by any of them, and at one point some very bad things happened to me.  My mother is now addicted to pain pills.  She has an RN nursing degree but refuses to work, who the heck will hire her with all the pills she takes!  She is now fighting for disability.  The only thing my mother really taught me were manners and how to clean a house.. say please, thank you, yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir, and your welcome.  She never fought for me.. and that hurt.  Whatever my step dad wanted her to do, SHE DID.  I was called a ******* child more than any of you want to know.  Alot of my memories I've tried to bury.  The only fond memory is the memory of my Strawberry Shortcake Doll that I got for Christmas one year.  She still has peanut butter in her mouth that I shoved in there when I was small and she still smells like strawberries.  

I don't want Ava to become self centered, or spoiled, and I do not want her to think that the world revolves around her happiness.  I just want her to feel loved, I want her to feel secure, I want Ava to feel special.  I want to give her happy memories.. I want Ava to excel in life.  The last person I want her to be like is ME.

[April2]

Oh BabyHardiman, you don't mean that! You must not see the good qualities that I've seen and I'm sure others have seen. I see a compassionate, loving, giving person who is passionate in what she believes in and stands up for what's right. Why would you not want her to inherit those qualities?
It's obvious you love your little girl very much. That right there will give her that security you want for her.
I'm glad you and your fiance came to an agreement. I wish you many happy and blessed Christmas's to come!
(((Hugs!)))
April

[jenstam]

I see what April2 sees also. I see someone who is insightful and wants the best for her child. I see someone who wants everything she didn't have for her child. She will have many of your qualities and those are good. I'm glad you came back. My only advice for you now, is to try not to overanalyze. I say this because it's one of MY biggest downfalls! I do it still to this day and I can make things much bigger than they are. Why? Because I want the best. I had a chaotic, messed up childhood also. So I become passionate about things as well. Anyhow, you are a good person. Ava will someday be a great woman like you!

[mami1323]

I second April and jenshim.  BH, Ava will be a good woman because she has you.  If you weren't a good mom you wouldn't be so passionate about what you believe to be fair.  You are unselfish and looking for the best situation for all involved.  I know you have been there for me during my strifes and care so deeply about a lot of the other women around here.  You are a wonderful person and should know that about yourself.  If you don't then we will make sure you know it even if we have to constantly remind you.  I'm glad you could compromise with your fiance.  I think you will have a wonderful holiday, filled with love and happiness from all around.  

[keekey]

BabyH -
I completely feel the same way. I love your posts, you are so genuine, feisty when you need to be, and a softy...even if you get mad you have a good heart and come back.
I do think your posts have changed a lot since you first came on this website.  Its funny, without knowing you, I am pulling for you.  I think a lot of your concerns are valid, and I think you do care about his girls so you should be allowed to have opinions.  I think you fight passionately for people (mainly your fiance) to understand your side, and then cave in the end because you dont like things to be so tangled up with strife, and then let it fall on your own shoulders to make everything okay, and I hate that for you.  You are strong and definitely entitled to have your own opinions.  You are in love with your daughter, why would you not want want her to be like you?  We all have our own issues, every single one of us.  But to love your child the way you do and still open you heart to be a mom to someone elses children, you should only hope that your daughter is like you.

[pertykitty]

im glad to see you both came to a conclusion that fits everyone's needs.  the only thing i think you have to remember is you entered an already existing family.  then you had ava and it became bigger.  what i mean is you say "ava is my child" but how fair is that when you look at the family as a whole?  i know you dont care for what i have said, but you did ask and as a blended family myself, i had to chime in.  if my dh ever said that "addison is my dd" excluding caleb as an equal part of this family, id feel very sad. but then i wouldnt have married him.   of course we are married so maybe that is different, but we look at each of us as a member of this family all equal and not "her kids" and such.  do you have a date set yet or is in up in the air?

it wasnt so difficult to come to an understanding, i just hope you and df can learn to figure things out in a more productive way.  is thanksgiving an issue?