JUst miscarried adn foundout SIL is pregnant

I just foundout last night that my SIL is pregnant and it is killing me. I just lost my 3rd baby 3 weeks ago due to a missed miscarriage.  We had a heartbeat and everything and then a week later the baby died and I had no idea. I am heartbroken. I can't sleep.  I have woken up 6 times throughout the night.  Last night after they left after their annoucement I was so upset I threw up. She always competes with me and knows how badly I want a baby and everything I have been through and now she will get the one thing I can't seem to have and it is so hard. I don't know why she would choose to tell me this when she knows I just had a baby removed 3 weeks ago and she just found out she is pregnant.  She couldn't have given me more time to heal first? I feel like she just wanted to throw it in my face like "look I'm going to succeed in something you couldn't!" I don't know how to deal with this. I was just getting myself put back together again and now this. Somebody HELP me!  I'm dying inside.

[wonderme]

I am so sorry for your loss...it is tremendously hard.  When I lost a baby last year I had two friends who were pregnant at the same time.  Honestly, as sad as I was for myself, my family and my lost baby, I was still happy for them.  I just looked at it that something wasn't right and I'd rather have my little one safe and happy in heaven than to live a life full of pain.  It really is b/c something was not right.

That being said, my friends were very supportive and not trying to compete.  I want to believe that your SIL didn't get pregnant just to spite you or even tell you to be mean...but I know plenty of people who get pleasure out of other's pain, so I believe that you have your reasons and history to believe this is the type of person she is.

But, if she isn't mean-spirited, I don't necessarily think it is fair that she should put off her news.  It is hard to know what to do in these types of situations and I think most people try to handle it the way they would want it handled if the roles were reversed.  Unfortunately, it may not be what you would like.

I think that if you feel that she is just being mean about it, then you should remove yourself (as best able, may be tough at the holidays) from situations that she will be involved in until you are ready.  If you can't avoid her, have your DH (or brother, depending on how she is related to you) let her know that while you are both happy for her, it is a very sensitive subject right now and for her to please reel it in a bit.  You may or may not have any success with this...on the flip side, if she is really nasty, letting her know how much it bothers you might just add fuel to her inconsiderate fire.

Lastly, there are so many women on here that have been in your shoes and felt just like you do.  Time passes and it gets a little better...and many (many, many, many) go on to have successful pregnancies after a loss.  There is still so much hope for you.  Try making your focus on healing your body and mind so that when the time comes you will be as healthy as possible for the baby you want to have...don't get sucked into her nonsense!

Good luck!

[cantwait4baby]

That is the worst and the same thing that happened to me when I lost my baby.  I am so sorry.  Turned out that my SIL was mean spirited.  I prayed for her baby and tried my best not to wish bad things on her and all these years later I now have a baby.  You will have your baby one day try not to think about hers.  What comes around goes around.  Let hope for a very painful delivery but healthy baby for her :)  I do not know why people feel the need to push their happiness on others who do not have what they have but they do.  I am so sorry you are going through this but you are not alone.  Good luck to you in your next pregnancy.  You will be blessed with a healthy baby.

[prayin4baby]

I know exactly what your going through right now.  I had my first miscarriage in May 2005.  The same week I miscarried we found out my sister was pregnant.  I know her intentions weren't to throw it in my face at all.  Sometime we just seem a little more sensitive because of what we've be through.

So your SIL may not be trying to throw it is your face at all, she may just be very happy with her blessing.  God blesses us all a different times and he wouldn't put no more on you than you could handle.  Sometimes you have to look at things this way: Maybe God had you miscarry because he knew if this would have happened to your SIL she wouldn't know how to handle it as strongly as you can.

I know your hurting.  I feel your pain.  It was my only sister that had a baby so I had to sit through the buying of the baby clothes, cribs, and carseats.  Just try to distance yourself in a non-selfish way.  It's hard, but once that extension of your family arrive you will be nothing but happy for them.  I wouldn't trade my niece for the world.  Everyone says she's my baby....lol

You to will receive your blessing soon.  Blessings to you! xoxoxo

[kierstynsmommy]

This same scenario has happened to me two times now. The first time it was with my cousin in law, she found out she was preggo first and then I found out like a month later that was was also preggo. My pregnancy lasted for around 20 weeks. I went in for a routine ultrasound and the next day the doc was calling me telling me that my baby didnt have kidneys, bladder, or a liver and that the stomach was collapsed. Since my baby was incompatible with life, I went ahead and did what I felt was right in my heart and that was to terminate...sometimes I wonder if i did the right thing or not. That was with my first pregnancy. My second pregnancy was successful and i have a 2 year old baby girl now. Me and my sister in law wanted to get preggo at the same time so our babies would be really close. Well, we both found out we were preggo and i lost mine at 8 weeks and she kept hers. It was very very hard for me seeing as this was my second loss in a row while she was also preggo. I went on to have 2 more losses and now I am currently 28 weeks preggo with a healthy baby boy. I have shared all of this to you because you will see that your time will come. There is a reason for everything that happens. I strongly believe that your time will come and when it does, you will be on top of the world. I know it is so hard (having been there and done that about 5 times) and nothing can really comfort you right now. But try to be comforted in knowing that you will get a baby when your time comes. At least you know you can get preggo. Some people try for years and years to become preggo and cant, even with help. Find comfort in the fact that you can and have been preggo before. My heart goes out to you and your loss, if you ever need to talk, please let me know and I will send you my email address.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless you

[dove1980]

I am tremendously sorry for ur loss....and i can understand the pain u're going thru...i had a m/c last jan and i used to feel the same pain when i saw any pregnant woman...but believe me u'll have to try and see other's emotions as well...one of my good frnds had 5 m/c and a stillbirth and that's why me and my husband disn't want to tell her when i got pregnant this time....but then we told her and i was feeling so guilty but it was not my fault and i just wanted to share my happiness wid her...she became pregnant again after 3 mths but had her 6th m/c....but even then she attended my baby shower and i'm sure when da baby comes she'll love her equally....

I can't say abt ur and ur SIL's relation but i dnt believe any woman who is going to be a mom herself wud be so cruel to hurt another woman's feelings who has just lost a child....

I hope everything gets fine asap. Take care

[cagrlasu]

Thanks everyone for your comments.  I guess you don't really understand the history between my SIL and how would you if I didn't tell you. My SIL is mean spirited.  To make a very long story short everything my husband and I do they do.  We bought a house, they bought a house down the street (with a bigger backyard), we bought a truck, they bought a truck (but bigger), I bought my husband an ipod for Xmas she bought my BIL an ipod for Xmas but had it engraved.  We bought a new ceiling fan, they bought the same one (but 2 of them), I bought my BF a Coach gift card, she went and bought her a Coach purse, and the list goes on and on and on. For years it has been this way.  When we found out I was pregnant the first time they started talking about having a baby and they weren't even married yet.  Believe me, I understand the excitment of finding out your pregnant but I do believe that we didn't need to know so soon, espiecally when she hasn't even had an ultrasound or a blood test.  I didn't need to know this info right now. I could have been told when she waas out of the first tirmester or close to the end of the the first trimester.  She also went into details that I didn't need to know about when she told us.  I feel it makes her happy to hurt me like this. I cried all day yesterday almost non-stop.  This is so hard for me.      

[cantwait4baby]

It will get easier I promise.  I understand I really do.  Just take it one day at a time.  Worry about you not her.  What comes around goes around.  Like I said before - lets hope she has a healthy baby but gets real fat during the pregnacy and has a painful labor.  Tell her you would never get an epi then she wont and tell her you would eat ice cream for 9 months and she will.    :)  So sorry you are going through this its not fair but your time will come and it will be well worth the wait.  Good luck.

[wonderme]

I agree with cantwait4baby...it will get easier.  You need to focus on yourself and your healing...if that means avoiding her at all cost, do so.  

Like I said, only you can judge if she is truly mean-spirited.  I've certainly known a few in my time...and they do like to copy as if they don't have an original thought in their head.  I used to take it as a compliment, but at some point realized it was getting bizarre and then out and out mean.  That was the end for me.  I only wish the best for others, even if I'm not getting that on my end...it's hard to believe that others get so much pleasure out of others' misery.  Just stay away.

Take this time to get yourself together, heal your body and then when you're ready, you can begin trying for another baby.  Even though I've managed to get pregnant again after my m/c, there are times I think about the one I lost and I still cry...it is painful and sad to think of the person I never got to know...but I do believe things happen for a reason.

You are doing fine and feeling totally normal...don't deny your feelings and be selfish if you need to be.  Hope you feel better soon!

[cagrlasu]

Thanks wonderme and can'twaitforbaby.  
I know I need to focus on me but how do I do that?  How do I get her and her pregnancy out of my mind? It's so hard. It's all I think about.  I can't help it. I am tryig to focus on the children I will have and everything I am doing to help better myself as a person but I am so sad and so angry at this whole situation. I usually wish nothing but the best for people but I just feel so horrible right now.  I am constantly crying and I can't eat. I am trying but I always feel like throwing up when I try to eat anything.  I haven't been this depressed in years.  :(  Man it's tough.  I know someday I will have a baby in my arms but it's so hard to see that right now and knowing her out of everyone is pregnant is just killing me inside.  I know I need to focus on me and not her.  Why can't I do that?

[wonderme]

It's all so new, so don't be so hard on yourself...it takes time to come around.

Are there any hobbies you enjoy?  Try distracting yourself.  For instance, if you enjoy cooking/baking, pick out a new recipe for the holidays and give it a go.

Do you have a trusted friend to go shopping with?  To the salon?

How about movie night (in or out) with hubby?  Or try out something new...knitting, scrapbooking...read a good book, start a journal...

Realize these things will not take away your pain, but a reprieve and something else to focus on can help slowly ease the pain.

And, remember, we're all here for you and sooooo many of us have been through it...and gone on to have that baby we wanted so desperately.  Give yourself some time, and no matter how hard, start slowly finding things to take your mind off of it.

I wish you the best!

[cantwait4baby]

You are depressed and I think the SIL baby is just adding to that - she is not the sole reason.  Listen - I lost my baby almost 10 years ago and did not even try again until last year.  It was so unbearable.  I fell into a deep depression of "why did this happen to me".  My 9 year relationship ended.  I gained weight, I fell apart.  I started therapy and it saved my life.  This is not easy this is a loss.  Loosing a baby is a death that only you feel as the mommy.  So support is not really there except on places like this which I did not have back then.

After therapy I started the gym I got myself back in shape.  I moved and then I eventually met someone wonderful.  Last year we decided to have a baby and I cried and cried just during the talk.  He could not understand but he tried.  My ex went on with his life - he married and had children.  I was the reason for the breakdown because of the loss of the baby.  My baby now started with problems.  When I first found out I was pregnant I was bleeding.  They took me in for a laporocopy after an u/s that showed something funny.  I told my doctor not to even wake me up if something was wrong with my baby.  Well he woke me up with his thumbs up.  She is 6 months old now.  It will happen for you - try to deal with your depression now so you can move on.  Call your doctor and ask for a referral.  

I am so sorry for your loss, I can hear your desperation in what you are writing and my heart goes out to you.  If you need to talk you can always email me directly.  ***@****

[cantwait4baby]

This blocked out my email - oops just email me through here then.

[cagrlasu]

Thank you so much for your post. I am seeing a therapist and a psychatrist. I am going to see the psychatrist tomorrow to up my meds.  I was trying to stay away from those but my RE said what I take is safe during pregnancy. Your story is inspiring.  Thank you and congrats on your baby. What did they find out during the lap procedure?

[cagrlasu]

well I decided to let my SIL know how I felt and how I wish she would have been more sensitive to my feelings and what I have been going through and how I was happy for her but I needed my space and my BIL called my DH up and pretty much told him off and said I hurt our relationship and that it would be a long time before things were right again.  My letter to her was very respectful and nice . I told her we cared about them very much and to please understand that we are going through a diffucult time and that we are grieving and to please not discuss her pregnancy with me until I was emotionally ready.  She turned it around and gave me a guilt trip. My BIL said that we were lying with how far a long we were when we lost the last baby and that you wouldn't have a heartbeat that early on.  He has no clue what he is talking about. We had a baby and a heartbeat at 7 weeks 3 days and at my 11 week scan the baby was dead measuring 8 weeks 4 days.  We h ave been pregnant 3 times. I think we would know.  It hurts me that they don't understand and are turning me into being the bad guy. For the first time ever I was finally honest with them with my feelings.  I don't think I did the wrong thing. And I guess I don't really expect them to understand but I am hurting. I just wish they would have gone about this a diffferent way.  Ther eis no need for me to know this early on that she is expecint. She is only 6 weeks.  I don't need to know. This news could  have waited. To me it felt like they were rubbing it in my face.  They weren't happy with my reaction to their news,  Like I was supposed to be jumping for joy or something.  Needless to say I am keeping my distance and staying away.

[empty]

oh what an awful thing to have to go through. I had a failed pregnancy at the same time that my neighbour found out she was pregnant. She has a little boy and everytime i see him i think of what i lost. i understand your pain but please know youre better than that meaness. Good things happen to good people. Lots of hugs your way :)

[cagrlasu]

I hope you are right.That good htings come to goodpeople. I try to be a good person adn can't seem to figure out why God would do this to me.  What did I do to deserve this pain? Andnow dealing with my SIL being pregnant on top of that is just too hard othandle.  I just want to be a mommy and have a baby and to see my SIL act the way she is and see her give my MIL a grandbaby before me when I have been trying for 2 years makes me feel worthless. I don't know why I let her and my BIL determine my self worth.  

[daprincess21]

I am so sorry huney that you hva eto go thro this. I know how it goes with the "decieving" sil's i have one of them as well. She always has to do better than me. I have learned to let it go and keep her as far away as i can. lean to god and he will help you thro this and you will be blessed as well    
TAKE CARE OF YOU!

[cantwait4baby]

I just replied to your message.  I hope you are feeling better.  A baby is a baby at the first day of a missed period to me and most women on here.  I certainly did not need to hear a heartbeat to fall in love with my lost baby or my current baby.  I am sure everyone here feels the same.  Take care of yourself.  Write to me anytime.  Like I said before Deanne11 had a blood clotting disorder and she is currently  not on here because she just had her son after mulitple miscarriages so there is hope for you sweetie :)

[cagrlasu]

I'm having so much anxiety especially inthe moringings. I just want this nightmare to ber over to and to finally have a baby:(  

[cagrlasu]

Yesterday I went to have my blood analyzed and it was so neat!  The lady pricked my finger and put my blood under a mircorscope and then put it on her computer.  She even gave me a copy of it on a DVD.  I am going to take it to my RE and see what he thinks.  She said I have a hormone inbalance and gave me a plan of action for some oils to use to help that and cleanse my blood. I'm really learning a lot through this whole experience.  She said my blood isn't absorbing the folic acid like it should and told me about some other pills to take to help with that. I am going to clear all of this with my RE first but it was really interesting.  I work with a lady who can get me all of the oils at cost and she said I am going to start feeling so much better. She had toxic shock syndrome and all of the meds her dr.s gave h er were making her sick so she went to this nurse who does the oils and she is 100% better now.  I hope this, along with acpuncutre really helps us finally keep a pregnnacy.  

As you can see I am willing to try anything. I am not giving up!!