Maternal & Child Community
Just need to tell someone
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to breast feeding, childhood disease, colic, child discipline, immunization, lactation, newborn care, post partum depression, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), and special needs children.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Just need to tell someone

Wow I cant believe I am going to post this but I need to talk about it, the guilt is killing me. This is my story,,I had a misscarriage on Jan6th, devestated, I turned to the internet,this forum,and others for support. My husband said to me after the m/c that it wasnt even a real baby yet anyway. I was horrified,I looked at the chat rooms for some kind of m/c support. I found a pregnancy chat room but no m/c support room. I went into a friends room and that is when it happened, I met someone. I have fallen deeply for this man, we have so much in common I cant even describe it. I wasn't looking for someone else,please believe that,but when my DH looked in my eyes and told me that it wasnt a real baby,something between us changed.Now here I am, I have fallen in love with this man,yet I still love my DH.To add to it all,I just found out on the 3rd that I am expecting!I told my husband and he said Oh, I told the other man and he said Congratualtions!He still wants to be with me,he is happy about the pregnancy,and ask me how I am everyday,whereas my DH hasnt metioned it since.My DH knows that I am chatting with this man, he is even in the room when he calls me and we talk for hours.DH thinks he is just a friend and he is fine with it,I feel so guilty I needed to get it off my chest,but I do believe I am in love with this man.Thanks for listening!
Related Discussions
47 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
134578_tn?1404951303
Sometimes when one's dh is not filling an emotional empty spot, it's so darn easy to find someone else really, really attractive.  I think what you have to do is ask yourself if the other guy is all that you think he is, or if what you are loving is the image you are creating of him based on what you need and some limited cues from him that you can build in your mind into perfection.  A Frenchman writing in the 18th century said it is easier to be a lover than a husband, because a lover only has to be charming once in a while and a husband has to be charming all the time to compete.  Try hard and stay on the straight path, even if it makes your heart ache for the imagined love you think is possible with this other guy. For what it is worth, husbands say that kind of stuff about miscarriages because they can't solve the problem and they are trying to blow it off for themselves and for you too.  They are not aware that they only need to be there to grieve with you; they think they need to be there to solve it or be strong, and they feel helpless to make it better, so they push it away with gruffness or tough comments.  Give your husband a chance, he probably isn't as insensitive as you think, and Mr. Wonderful is probably not as wonderful as your image of him.  Good luck, sweetheart.  Try to stay sane.  (((HUGS)))  Annie
Blank
159354_tn?1286371288
I have to agree with the other poster.  The 'other' man has it easy not having to live up to the 'husband' day in and day out...24 hrs a day.

You and your dh are expecting a wonderful little blessing from GOD.  You both will enjoy it together I promise.

I lost 3 babies last year and my husband never once shed tears over them and he even has not accepted this pregnancy yet.  I am currently 12 and a half weeks.

Men are so different than women and they guard themselves.  My dh said to me when we lost the first at 5.5 weeks.....well it's better now than later.

I was so upset that he said that but now I know why.  As each day and week passes we get so excited about this baby.  We were rocked last year with 3 losses and of course.  We are different people and different sexes...we handled it differently.

I am faced with a condition that could cause late miscarriage or stillbirth and now I know why my dh said what he said.  It was to protect himself with how bad it could have been last year.  Now that we have seen this little one on an ultrasound....heart beating, legs and arms moving and dancing it will be much harder on us this time around.

Just please keep an open mind about your dh.  Marriage is for keeps and infedility is not limited to physical displays of affection, be very careful how you proceed with this 'other' man.  
Blank
174515_tn?1191710869
this sounds like an "emotional affair". have you ever met this man in person? i think anyone can say the right lines when they are online and on the phone. but if and when you meet this person just like everyone else has said, can he keep up the charm?

"Sadly, emotional affairs and emotional infidelity are becoming prevelant in the workplace and across the internet.  The negative effects of having affairs on marriages is just the same for an emotional affair as any affair.  Emotional infidelity is still infidelity, but just what is an emotional affair?

An emotional affair is an emotional bond with someone other than your spouse.  It does not have to be sexual, though usually there is a sexual attraction.

Often it is thought that because the relationship is not sexual that it is not an emotional affair is not an affair.  This is not true.  You take away from your spouse intimacy and the amount of energy you would put into your relationship when you have such an attachment to someone else.  Emotional affairs are very slippery slopes often lead to a sexual affair as well.
Emotional affairs contain the elements of secrecy and deception and are as damaging and devastating (if not more) than a sexual affair.  It's important to note too that some affairs are both - emotional and sexual.  Emotional affairs are often more difficult to end, and for the betrayed, more difficult to recover from.  A physical affair with an emotional attachment becomes the most difficult type of affair to end.  Emotional affairs are very difficult to end the longer the emotional bond has time to deepen. As with affairs in general, the sooner the relationship is stopped, the greater likelihood for saving the marriage or significant relationship."



Blank
Avatar_n_tn
you are probably putting all kinds of energy into this "new" relationship, but if you put that effort and interest into your first love and stop blaming your husband for how he is coping with your miscarriage, than I think you will find your first love to be more attractive than this other man.  Your DH has been through alot too, and even though he is seeming harsh and uncaring it is just bc men are "fixers", and he cant fix this.  I finally told my DH all the blame I had put on him and myself for this miscarriage, and how he could have been more considerate and caring, and he opened up to me about his true feelings of grief.  Now I understand why he reacted how he did.  BTW, what is a man doing on a pregnancy support forum anyway?  My guess is he is expecting with someone too and this does not look good for you, and I dont think it is going to get far before somehow you realize this is a big mistake.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I have been cheated on so much, if you just pursue your DH how you would a new man, than I think it will work out.  Communication with DH is key, not someone else.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I agree with all of the above comments. In addition to them, all people (men/women alike) grieve differently. Some people have to find someone to talk to immediately, while others clam up and internalize them. That does not mean that your husband is not accepting or acknowledging (?sp) your loss. Men are typically not very vocal when it comes to emotions.  Give him a chance and don't ruin your marriage over what you "think" this other guy is.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
You are in a difficult situation..the problem is that you are emotionally connected to the new guy and in doing so, less connected with your DH. You feel a bit justified too, since the DH was insensitive about your m/c. Try and look into the future and think about your baby...If this guy on the internet is willing to "cheat" (even emotionally) with you, he will do it again with someone else. And, I doubt he would be as willing to raise another man's baby, especially when that would entail him having to also understand visitation schedules, etc. with your DH. No matter what, your DH and you will always be needing to see each other or talk to some extent due to the child you are having together. The only way to end this relationship is to be honest with the new guy and tell him to respect you and that you have to go cold turkey and then to really do that. Then, you can work at trying to get some counseling or whatever is necessary to focus on your own relationship with your DH. It will be very difficult right now for you to end the relationship, but it will get much harder as time goes on and you are even more emotionally invested in this. And, also, this new guy, if he were any decent man himself, would tell you that he would want you to work it out with the husband and  that he would disappear too, especially knowing you are pregnant. It is unfair he would allow himself or you to become more attached and he knows it and is playing the game because you are vulnerable. A true gentleman would tell you that while he feels for the position you are in, he wouldn't put a marriage at risk and he would promptly say goodbye. I wish you all the best.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
Thanks so much for all of your comments and suggestions. To answer a few questions and clarify some things> No I have not met face to face with this man. He lives across the country. He is not cheating himself, he is divorced with full custody of his two children. I completely agree that this is an affair, even though just emotional at this point, it is an affair nonetheless. Yes I have opened up to my husband and let it be known exactly how his comments made me feel. His response was Oh Welll, thats just what I think. I told him it was okay if he felt this way but I would have expected him to not vocalize this to me, I told him he should have just kept it to himself and just comforted me, yet he still believes he was completely in the right to say this to me. As far as the other man willing to raise another mans baby and put up with visitations, he is completely for this. As I stated earlier he has been through a divorce and is a single father himself, he knows what it all intales. I also want to mention that I do have three other children and the "other man" knows this and would welcome us all with open arms. Like I said in my original post my husband has not even mentioned the new baby whereas this man talks about the baby with me everyday. Also I did not meet him in a pregnant chat room, I was looking for a m/c room and was unable to find one so I went into one called the park bence a meeting place for friends, that is where I met him. It was very innocent at first, just friends, until I started opening up to him about the different problems I have had with DH. He absolutely in the begining said I should work this out with DH. I have been married for almost 8 years now and we have been together for almost 11 years. There are alot more situations that make me feel certain things towards my DH than just this one, theres just not enough room on this forum to list them all. This didnt happen just because of the m/c but like I said it was like the straw that broke the camels back. I appreciate all of your comments and I do not think any of you were harsh, believe me I have said all the same things to myself. I just feel deeply connected to this man somehow and I have fallen for him, yet I still love my DH, I am confused and I don't know what to do. Thanks to all again.
Blank
159354_tn?1286371288
All I can say is be very very very careful about the internet.

My sister met someone 'online'.....let's just say not the best idea.  Also, cross country thing.

Lies are easily told over the internet....with the possibility of never meeting.

Also, your DH may have meant exactly what he said.  It wasn't meant to hurt you it's just what he believes.

When DH said 'better now than later to me'....with all 3 losses....I was heart broken but for him that was truly what he meant and felt.

I'm okay with that.  That is how he feels.  Yes, he knows we have 3 children in heaven but he still felt, better early in the pregnancy than later.

I don't know.....you are a big girl with 4 children to think about....You'll make the right call for your family.

I would have been using a little protection though if these doubts about DH started entering your mind.
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
It sounds like you are ready to give up your marriage and start a life with someone you've never met.  You really know nothing about this person except what he has told you and that COULD be all lies.  Seriously take a step back and look at things again.  Yes, what your husband said may have been cruel in your eyes but I doubt he meant it that way.  It was more likely a coping mechanism.  Think about your children. Obviously there is still something there between you and your husband because you just found out your pregnant.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
I guess I should also add that I was also very skeptical of this whole internet meeting thing. I have checked this guy out, I have done background checks, and everything checks out. I told him this and he is very understanding of it and gives me any info I need to look him up further. My babies are first and foremost with me and his with him. We have plans to meet next month and we both must discuss it with our children before any further decisions are made. If our children dont approve than we shall keep it friends. I have spoken with his children via phone and him with mine. His children really like me and mine like him. Trust me I know this is all very very crazy sounding, I am the #1 advocate of working things out at all cost, but there is just something about this man, it is like we were meant to be. I just don't know what to do here. I know that no matter what happens someone will be hurt. If I leave DH than my children will of course be hurt, but if I stay and continue to feel what I feel then I will be living unhappily which will also hurt my children. Its just all so hard because my DH is not some horrible man, he is a hard worker, good father, and he provides for his family as best as he can. He doesnt run around with friends, he goes to work and comes home. This is the routine, yet when he is home all he is doing is laying around, he doesnt talk with me, he doesnt play with the children unless I make him. I know he loves them but I shouldnt have to force him to spend time with them. Same goes for me, I know I deserve to be loved and I shouldnt have to ask or beg for his attention. I have a friend that tells me well at least him comes home. I just think that is selling myself short, like I should just accept the fact that he is a good man and isnt cheating so I should just overlook the rest of it. I'm sorry but I am not the old fashioned type who believes the woman should just keep her mouth shut. I think I deserve his love and attention and I think he should show it to me. It takes two to keep a marriage going and at this point it is like we are room mates. I take care of the kids, he works, he comes home, he sleeps, I continue to take care of the kids, and we repeat it all the next day. I believe my children deserve to see what a loving relationship should be like, they should see their mother happy and loved, Once again I am completely confused and can't figure out what to do. My DH is a good man and yet I am in love with this other man. Thanks so much for all of your suggestions and comments, they are all taken to heart and appreciated deeply.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
I wasn't using protection because we have been trying to conceive ever since the m/c. I wasnt having doubts persay until I started talking to this man, which I was already pregnant at the time I just didnt know it yet. I had just accepted the fact that we had been married for a long time and this is how things are. Not until I talked to this man did I realize that I am worth more than that. I am happy enough in the marriage just not completely, we have a long past together, we have been together since we were 16 years old, we have been through alot together and he has put me through alot that I have just buried deep within. He is a good man but he just isn't a saint.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn

Just wanted to let you know that I have been through something similar, as far as insensitive comments from a husband after a miscarriage.  Years ago, I was two weeks late with my period.  I never thought I might be pregnant, until I passed clots when it finally came.  My boyfriend (now husband) and I had only just begun dating and I wasn't ready to have a baby yet anyway (to this day, i still don't know if i was pregnant or not)

Last week I lost my pregnancy at 13 weeks.  My husband said, '"Well, how did you feel the last time?""(meaning, of course, the situtaion I just described).  I was FLOORED.  I'm not making excuses (well, I guess I am), but they're grieving too and I just don't think they have any ability to grasp the situation.  Let's face it, most guys don't bond with their babies until AFTER they come out, while our bonding starts the moment we see the line!

Anyway, you might think this is mean, but I marched him over to the computer to show him what a 12 week fetus looks like (even though he should remember, since we have a 16 month old).  I also made the doctor show him the ultrasound pictures.  He had tears in his eyes once he made the connection.

Sometimes that is what it takes.  As far as your other problem, I can only partially relate.  I would say that miscarriages can definitely accentuate the problems that have already existed in a relationship, as I am experiencing right now.  I'm not sure if reaching out to someone else is the answer (as others have posted), but only you can decide what is right for yourself.
Blank
159354_tn?1286371288
Maybe you have already made your decision.  You are getting ready to meet and you have already introduced your children to each other.

Sounds like you know what you want.  I'd say though, you better clue DH in real fast.  Especially since your children (his children) have had contact with this other man.

I know what my DH would do.....whew.  Be careful.  Tread lightly.  You may end up with an unwanted custody battle.  Not every judge favors the mother especially if she leaves the marriage.

My brother got custody of his kids.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
I completely did the same. I showed him in the books and the internet just what the baby looked like and how it was developing. It had no impact on him. I want to add that when I was loosing the baby and had to go to the doctor for the blood results to officaly confirm the m/c I begged him to take off work for just an hour to come with me,,,his answer was no I have to work, you already know whats happening so whats the big deal. Yet one week later he was able to take off work for a full day to go fishing. I went through this whole m/c alone while he on the other hand was at work joking with his buddies about getting me "knocked up again" ( his words of course) He stood by and listened to his friends joke about having to need a bus now with 4 of them instead of telling them hey look we have lost it enough with the jokes. I want to also tell everyone that when I lost the actual baby itself we were at a school function for my son. Im sure you all know how much blood loss there is, and when it happened I had no choice but to leave. We were in the middle of a crowded room and I was bawling and had to get up and literally run out of there, leaving DH there with our three kids. I had to go straight to the store to get pads because I was out. My cell rang, it was my husband, you would think he was calling to see if I was okay but no that was not the case. He says to me what the hell is your prob. I told him what happened and I had no choice because I didnt want to make a mess and be embarresed. He then said well since you left me here with all the kids then you can go to the store and buy me ciggarretts (?spl) cause it will be to hard for me to take all three of them in to the store to buy them when your out by yourself. Like I said earlier there is alot more to the story but I was just giving the basic facts. I just still feel he was completely insensitive and way out of line, I understand that men deal differently with these things than woman, but honestly, give me a break the man was totally in the wrong and I dont feel there are any excuses to excuse his behavior. Something in me died when I went through this m/c and it opened my eyes to what kind of a man he really is. I know getting pregnant again wasn't the idea solution if I was feeling these things, but keep in mind I had full intentions of staying with him forever, until I met this other man at which point I was already pregnant. Thanks again for all the suggestions and comments, none of which are too harsh, I welcome any and all comments.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
My husband does know that our children talk to him. He is here when they do. He also knows that I talk to his children, again he is here when I do. He is okay with it. For one he thinks we are only friends and for another, call me crazy but if I were him I would be suspicious. He is not suspicious, he talks to the man himself. You can say he is either very naive or he is just not affected by it because he doesnt feel for me like a husband should. Personally I believe that is the case..... I think he loves me but I dont think he is in love with me. I think he is just comfortable, we have been married almost 8 yrs and have been together since high school, we have 3 children one on the way, a mortgage, car payments, and all of lives other bills. I think he feels it to be his responsibily to be here and not his desire. Like I said he is a good man so I dont think he would ever own up to this fact. I have questioned him on it and he just says whatever. Thats his favorite word when it comes to really discussing our lifes and feelings. I deep down dont think it is his choice to be here but that he is just making the best of the situation. I owe it to myself and my children to be really loved by another. I also owe it to DH to cut him loose because he would never do this himself.
Blank
164559_tn?1233711618
You are living in a fantasy world.

You do not know this other man, and unless you are in law enforcement you cannot have done a thorough background check.  

And if you try to move across the country the courts will give your kids to your husband.

This man is a cheat and is encouraging you to have an affair.  So you already know he is a dog.  And I think it is highly inappropriate that you are involving him with your kids.  

I just don't get what you are thinking.

Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
Perhaps your husband trusts you when he really shouldn't and that's why it doesn't affect him..  I cannot believe you would have your children talking to someone on the phone - a virtual stranger you "met" on the internet.
Just remember -
the grass always seems greener on the other side but usually dies quick.
Blank
159354_tn?1286371288
maybe you are putting your emotions on him.  your obligation to be there and not your desire.

my mother went through that with my dad....all those years.  my dad was distant and she thought it was the same as everything you described by your hubby....working, paying bills, comes home on time, never goes out, but doesn't play with the kids or 'talk' to you.

well, my mom was so wrong.  it was more her feelings than his.  she left for 6 months....well they are back and happy as ever.

the only difference is we were all grown by then...the youngest me was 27 yrs old.....it really made me mad that she did that just to prove that he did love her and wanted to be with her.

some men feel working for their family is enough.  that is the way they show love.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
As far as a custody battles is concerned, I am not worried about this whatsoever. My DH knows as well as I do that they are better off with me. He would never challenge this, EVER. Of course he would want visitation, and that is to be expected but , custody, that would never happen.
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
When he finds out what you are actually up to he may change his mind and want to fight for custody.    
There is no quarantee a judge would give you custody.  You said yourself your husband is not a bad person.    
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
I believe in marriage is forever.  However I find it disgusting that you would continue this affair, meet this man, and have your children know about him before ending your marraige.  I feel sorry for your husband who obviously trusts you and his being made to look like a fool
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
No I am not in law inforcement but my brother is. We have done a through back round check and it is clear. And I have let my children talk with him on the phone because he is a nice man. My husband is fine with it, and I also talk to his children as well. He just ask them about their day and holds a child like conversation with them. My children enjoy talking with him, he is a very funny man. I am not naive, I know most if not all of these internet flings are just that,, a fling. But I feel as if I have met my soul mate. We are going to meet and take it from there. And no way in hell am I moving across country. I was born here and I will die here. My childrens father is here and so are our families. No man is worth me tearing my children away from that. But he is willing to move here, he is a single father and the mother of his children is not involved in their lives.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Please correct me if I missunderstood  this, but did you say that you two were going to leave it up to the children to decide if you guys should be together?   Personaly in this siutation that is a very bad idea. They may end up feeling responsible for breaking up their parents marriage. That is WAY too much responsiblity to put on a child to decide if their mother should leave their father for another man. Now I can understand if a single mother was dating and talked with her children about marriage with the boyfriend, but don't make them have to make this dissison. That kind of decission would be way too confusing for them and they won't understand. And then they will think they are choosing between this other guy and their father. Something like that could affect them for the rest of their lives. Please don't ask them what they think you should do, or what would be best, or what they want. Even if you don't strait out and ask them if you should leave their father, it's still too much responsibility for them. A child can't make that kind of decission, they won't understand something like that. They will still feel that responsibility and nothing good will come out of that, it will cause a lot of damage.

And please don't take this the wrong way because I completly understand how you are feeling, I have been where you are. But you don't really love this man. I think you may think you do, or you may feel very deaply about him, but it's not true love. New relationships are always exciting and you feel like you are on cloud nine, but it's not real love. You can't really truley know if you love this person untill you actulay spend time with him, have some life experiancs with him. The internet can really trick you because all you get is the good, it's really easy to avoid the bad stuff in a relationship online. You don't know what real life would be like with him because you don't really know how he reacts in every situation. And telling you how he reacts isn't the same thing as actualy being there.
Even if he checks out on paper doesn't make him a good person. (I'm not saying that he is bad). And you need to think what kind of person he really is knowing you are married. He is willing to help break up a marriage, a family. That doens't sound like a very honest person to me.

I think what you should do is get some counceling with your DH and do everything you can to make this work, do it for yourselves and your children. and if it doesn't work then leave your DH.
And you need to think about what kind of example you are setting for your children. You don't want to teach them that it's ok to have an affair.
Please don't think I'm judging you because I'm not. I know what you are feeling and I have been in the very same situation as you are! I know that feeling where you feel like you are in love and this other guy is the perfect man for you. But when you meet online you don't get to know the real person. You don't want to end up leaving your DH for this guy and find out in a year that this guy really isn't who you thought he was. I know he seems perfect, but you really can't know that untill you really get to know him, to spend time with him. And if you meet him then there will be no going back. you can't take back a physical affair. (or an emotional one)

If you don't want to go to counceling with you DH, go just for yourself and talk to someone about this. that might really help you.

Bottom line is, affairs are wrong, and you feeling guilty you know this. You really don't want to start a relationship with someone in there circumstances to you? The starting of a relationship should never start out with lies, dishonesty, and deciet.

I am sorry that you are going through this and I really hope that you make the right decission. I know what you are going though and know how hard it is.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
No you were not harsh at all, I welcome everyones comments and I dont taken them to heart in that sense. Like I said the only thing I will argue is that I am a great mother, it is who I am. Yes I do owe DH, but I feel I owe him his freedom, I dont think he really wants to be here but he just feels obligated to be. Keep in mind we have been together since we were 16, he left me many times before we got married to make sure I was "the one" as he put it. He didnt ask me to marry him, I asked him to ask me. He didnt want children , I talked him into it. He didnt want to wear a wedding ring, I made him. He wouldnt even allow me to put a just married sign on our car on our wedding night. These are just a few of the very small things I live with. Trust me I have had many conversations with him about my feelings towards the marriage and why I think he is still here,,they never get me very far,,he just puts on his dazed look and says whatever to anything I say. He has always told me that he cant promise me forever because he is not a psyhic. He says he cant promise me that he wont find someone else he likes better. He likes to check out other women , not because he enjoys it but just because he cant help it, all guys do it. He has told me many times that he wishes I would have an affair just so I would stop buggin him about his ex's. He has stood by while his own father put me down and told me I was fat. He watched and laughed as his father threw rocks at me one day just for the fun of it. When we were in school he refused to drive me anymore because he choose to drive his friends pregnant girlfriend instead, which I might add was a former girlfriend of his. When I complained enough about it, he would pick me up but insisted I sit in the back so she could sit in the front with him. He stood by when his best friend threw a punch at me just because he was jealous of the time we were spending together. I could go on and on with these little facts but I will stop here. I know this other guy is not the answer to my problems but the fact remains that I do have deep feelings for him and I think we could be happy together, I owe it to myself and my children to try and be happy. If that means pursuing this internet relationship further than so be it.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Trust me on this, when stress is high and there are problems in a marriage, it's so much easier seeing the faults in the other.
My DH and I got together in highschool also. I was married at 17, him 18. We have had our share of ups and very bad downs. I felt that he didn't love me, all he was providing was an monthly paycheck. We were not spending time together, we hardly spoke to each other. Everything that he was doing was making me angry. He would do a bunch of selfish, stuipid, insesitive things. Then I found somebody online like you did. And the feelings that I was feeling made me see the things my DH was doing were even worse. But looking back at it now, my way of thinking was really off. The problems in your marriage are not all your DH. Maybe you have pushed your DH away and that is one reason he is acting this way. You can be emotonaly pushing him away and not even know you are doing it.
My DH and I finaly went to counseling and I found out that a lot of our problems were actualy because of me and I thought that he was the jerk. (of course he did his share of bad things too) And it's really easy to convince your self and make yourself see things that are not there for an excuse to be with this other person.  You can be doing that and not even realise that you are doing it.
That is exactly what I did. I convinced myself that it would be better for everybody if I left, that my DH would actualy be happier that way, that I deserved to be loved the way that I need. And yes, that is true, but not though an affair. But by your DH. You both need to relearn how to love each other . You have just somehow seperated and gotten on different paths, but it's very possible to get back on the right track again. You just have to work on it.
What happens when you leave your DH and go to this other guy and he starts acting like a jerk just like your DH did? When you first married your DH did you think he would act this way to you? Its the same thing. you don't think this other guy would do anything to hurt you. but everybody has their faults.

But please don't hurt yourself or your children for this guy. If you step back and try and look at this in a different light then you will see that this guy isn't even worth being friends with. He is not an honest person. If he were really a good person then he would not be getting in the middle of your marriage, if he really did care for you then he would step back and let you do what is best for your family.
Just think of it this way, lets say it's this guys marriage that is in trouble. Woud you continue to be with this man?  Or would youl step back and let him try and work things out with his wife?

Honesty is always the best way to go.
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
I just read your response to newbie.  You are staying with him because you don't work and need financial support?    Find a job and support yourself and children.  You are using your husband until this other man is around to support you?!    This keeps getting worse.  
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Wow...
First off I want to say...The grass may seem greener on the other side.
But...honestly you have it great where u are.
You have children whom love you...a hubby who obviously does too...
a roof over your head and I'm sure that's not all.
What if this guy turned out to be a *********?
A girlfriend of mine..was a single mother and obviously attracted the wrong kind of guy.
He was not in it for a relationship with her...he was flat out a monster.
I would be very careful....the internet can be a scary place.
You have invested so much in your marriage and your family.
I think it is very selfish to throw it all away for some guy you don't know.
You have a responsibility to your children.
I think it's sick that you could put your needs/wants in front of theirs.
They deserve to be happy...and if that takes you and Dh to seek some counselling..then so be it.
My advice...try to be happy with what you have and don't be so focused on what you don't have.
If you want to disrupt everybodys lives...why not wait until they are 18....you owe them all at least that much.
I do agree that you need to be happy....but you need to be happy and grateful for what you have...
Not dwell on what you don't.
Good Luck!

Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Definitly you are crazy destroying your family just  for your hormones, its crazy and anfair what you are doing, you dont know that man and you trust him as much as you think that your children will have good life with him ...who can prove you this?  your affair? he can lie and when you really  know him living everyday with him you could regret your decision because there is a big possibility that this relationship  finish no good. For me its imposible   to think that having 3 children and good husband i am going to pay attention another man just because my hormones are telling me how nice will be life. I advice you put your feet  on the earth you sound like you are 16 years old. I am sorry for being so direct but  its what i think and i not trying to be rude, just trying to say you BE CAREFUL you have 3 children to take care that no body will take care them like you and your husband, at least think about this.
Its amazing that  your situation is a kind of tipical example when woman  take decisions thinking whith the hormones but not with the brain and that heart and this kind of decisions finished with tragedy because just follow the hormones feeling without thinkign with the brain and the heart. Its clear that you are making a mistake. Good luck with yuor decisions.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I've been in bad situations where my friends and family judged me and my decisions and I hated them for it and isolated.  Only to find themselves in the EXACT same situation years later, handling it, the exact same way I did.  So for that, I dont judge anyone or their situation. Because you never know what turns lie ahead.

But here is what I think. I think that maybe you should really really think this through more thoroughly.  Finances are a HUGE issues in marriages and relationships. Although I'm not married, my bf and I have problems with money all the time.  Your Dh financially takes care of you and the children. Correct? And you take care of the children therefore, you have no income (no to say you dont have a huge job)? It's a lot to ask from the other man, to take care of you and your children.  I'm skeptical by nature and cautious by experience and so, I would have some sort of a back up plan just in case things dont work out the way you hope.  If something happens that you didnt expect with the new man, you need some type of back up plan for your children's sake. Your children are what is most important so for that, you have to be very smart (not to say that you aren't) and plan ahead for any possibilites. I was raised to be a very independent thinker and this situation would worry me.  I dont think it's safe to rely on someone, just like that.  I write this mostly with your children in mine because, I would hate to see them in a bad situation.  Again, life doesn't always turn out as you plan and so, please be smart and be prepared for any turns that may lie ahead.
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
How can you love someone you've never seen and have spoken too for only a month?  If this was someone else posting this wouldn't you think it seemed ridiculous?  I'm sorry if I sound mean, but you really need to access this situation.  So many  people are going to be affected by this.  
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
No I do not think you sound mean. I have said all of these same things to myself. I accept any and all thoughts and comments. And yes I agree, i dont even have to see someone else posting this to think it seems ridiculous. I read my own and think it seems ridiculous. But the fact remains that ,,,that doesnt change my feelings. I know this is all very stupid and crazy, and I feel very guilty and I know that I am cheating and I know that it will most definantly hurt my children if i leave my DH, but I do still have these feelings for the other man and I am clueless as to what to do, follow my heart or listen to my head.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I know this might be a late response but, I figured I'd give you my opinion and thoughts on your stiuation.  I cant really sit here and tell you whats right and wrong. I've never been married, and marriage was not a strong subject while I was growing up. So I cant answer from a wife /husband perspective.  What I can say is, that I understand what it is to love someone and in an instant, by something they say/do5, feel like they are a total stranger. By reading all that you have written, you seem to be set on moving on with this other man. Again, i cant tell you whats right or wrong but, I think maybe you should have a talk with your dh and get it all out in the open.  Your feelings on his reaction to your miscarriage, the fact that he didnt support you or go with you when you were checking your levels ect.. I think after being with him for so long, it would be best to start there and maybe you owe it to each other to get it all out. It doesnt mean that you will work things out neccessarily.  But if you do move on, at least it can be with a clean slate.  I dont think that it's healthy to just jumpship without clearing the air and being sure, for your own good, that you are ready to start this new relationship for the right, honest (meaning honest with yourself) reasons. Not because this person is healing the wounds that your dh help to create.  Again, not a right or wrong answer but, I think it would be good for YOU to come clean and make this decision a reality for you good and the good of your family. I always tend to think someone should give themselves time to heal and "get right" after they've been through an experience and for that sake,  I think getting it out in the open will help you to move on.    Good luck and keep us updated.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
I agree that I should tell DH, and I definantly will when the time is right. I do not plan on just up and leaving, I will talk with him and explain everything. The only problem is that I cant do this just yet. The other man is 3,000 miles away and it is going to take him time to sell his home, find a job here and relocate. I must keep things quiet here for now for the sake of my children. If I tell DH the truth right now without having the other man here to start with then if DH leaves, myself and my children would be homeless. I dont work and we depend on him for financial support. I must stay here until the other man has made the move so that I can have a place for my children and I to live.
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
I can understand your heart tells you one thing and your mind another.  One thing to consider is this.  You feel quilty and you know it's not right.  If the situation was reversed wouldn't you want your husband to be upfront with you?
Things don't always work out like we plan but I think after being married and having children together that he deserves to hear the truth from you VERY SOON.  
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
I can understand your heart tells you one thing and your mind another.  One thing to consider is this.  You feel quilty and you know it's not right.  If the situation was reversed wouldn't you want your husband to be upfront with you?
Things don't always work out like we plan but I think after being married and having children together that he deserves to hear the truth from you VERY SOON.  
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
I can understand your heart tells you one thing and your mind another.  One thing to consider is this.  You feel quilty and you know it's not right.  If the situation was reversed wouldn't you want your husband to be upfront with you?
Things don't always work out like we plan but I think after being married and having children together that he deserves to hear the truth from you VERY SOON.  
Blank
127124_tn?1326739035
I can understand your heart tells you one thing and your mind another.  One thing to consider is this.  You feel quilty and you know it's not right.  If the situation was reversed wouldn't you want your husband to be upfront with you?
Things don't always work out like we plan but I think after being married and having children together that he deserves to hear the truth from you VERY SOON.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I probably should stay out of the advice part of this, I'll try and forgive me as I have been in the opposite situation with a cheating husband. I feel like you are making him make the decision for you as to whether you should leave or not.  He may be responding to you a little distant or not connected to you because he is not stupid and realizes what you are doing with the other man. I think in your mind you think that the grass is always greener. I made the decision for my husband. He was gone for 6 months out of my life and my two small babies. We had a lot of trust issues that are still being worked out. He now feels so bad for what happened, but it affects whole families, not just you and your spouse. I would seriously consider dumping the internet guy and put that energy into your own marriage. You'd be surprised as how involved your husband wants to be but you just won't let him. Again, I apologize, I hope I didn't offend you in any way. It's still really  hard for me to talk about this, but if I could change one childs life by sharing it then it is more than worth it!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I agree with the above poster. This guy could be a pediphile. When I was growing up my moms best friends husband died. She had 2 kids and was 8 months pregnant. She met this guy at her Dr. office. He was actualy a nurse there. She somehow went to him for comfort, feel in love with him. After the baby was born he asked her to marry him, she did and he ended up molesting the two older children. She thought she was so lucky to find somebody that would accept and love her children, but she was very wrong.
There is a red flag here with him saying he loves your children and wants them to live with him when he hasn't even met them.
You can not say that you know 100% that this isn't exactly what he is looking for. Why take that risk? It happens everyday! He could be trying to scam you for all kinds of reasons.
Blank
164559_tn?1233711618
I am all for being a sahm.  I myself chose to leave a company and start my own business working from home.

However, before you leave your husband, you have to be able to provide for your kids, yourself.  You cannot expect someone else to step into their father's shoes and pay the bills so you can go on your merry way.  What if it doesn't work?  How will you support yourself then?  Do you think the courts will allow you to raise kids without the means to support them?

You are not acting like a mature, responsible person.  As I was reading your posts, I felt like I was talking to one of my 16 year old dd's friends.

I still say this guy is not what he says he is.  He has no honor as a man.  Cheaters never do.  And what makes you think you are the only unhappy, lonely woman he is stringing along?  He says so?  Yeah, we all know people "never" lie on the internet.  I am actually a 6'0' swedish supermodel.

this is going to end badly and you are all going to be hurt. I have this horrible feeling that you will shack up with this guy, he's turn out to be a jerk , leave you high and dry.  Your dh, in the meantime will have moved on and his new wife will be raising your kids.

Please take a one month break from contact with this guy.  If it is real love, the break will not matter.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
HES NOT YOUR SOULMATE IF YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED!!!!!!!

If you do not find out how to fix your first marriage, you will not have a successful relationship.  Think about what attracted you to your husband in the first place!!!!!  You are probably attracted to the same type of guy.  ALL relationships have problems and mountains to climb- why not climb those with your current husband?  Every marriage goes through ruts, but if you run everytime there are problems, you never deal with the underlying problems.  Marriage is commitment, and you are not commited to your marriage.  Wake up and practice the vows you "promised" in the beginning- For better or worse ring a bell?  And you could be "dating" a freak who prefers your children as lovers over you!  Even if he checks out- what if he hasnt been caught yet?  That would explain how charming he is to them wouldnt it?
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
Thanks to everyone for your comments and suggestions. Yes I may sound like a 16 year old but that could have something to do with the adrenaline associated with "new love" As far as the getting up off my rear and getting a job,,,,this is the only point I will argue with anyone,,,I DO HAVE A JOB!!! The most important job in the world, thank you. I choose to stay home and raise my children, not sit around, but actually raise them, I am deeply involved in their school systems. I may sound 16 but I am a well educated woman. I may not get paid for what I do, but this is what I choose. I am the Chairperson for my local Early Childhood Education Program, I also sit on their Board Directors. I am the Head Room Parent for my sons classroom, Cheer coach for my daughters squad, and a volunteer on the local Literacy Council. So yes I do work!! I tried working a few months ago, in a paying position, I choose a 3rd shift job so I wouldnt have to put my children in daycare and leave it to a stranger to raise them. I would work 12hours a night from 7pm-7am. I would get off work take my son to school, take my daughter to her school, raise the baby while they were there, go back and pick each one of them up at their different schools and then take them to their father at his work so I could go back to work. I didnt sleep, EVER, I made the decision that money is not worth leaving my children with strangers, and I couldnt be the Mom they deserved if I was cranky all the time from lack of sleep. So I had to resign that position and choose my children instead, so please dont insinuate that I am a lazy person who "wants" someone else to support me. I feel like raising my children is what I am here to do. And please give me more credit than thinking that I would put my children in danger, I would personally murder anyone who tried to hurt them in any way. I am not moving in with this guy tomorrow, we are going to meet in about a month, then he will return home and we will go from there. I do not believe him to be a petophile given the fact that he won full custody of his 2 DAUGHTERS. Also someone posted that my DH may be acting this way because I am pushing him away....I dont think so because he has acted this way for a long time now. Like I've said before there is alot more to this than I have posted, we have a very long history together, and trust me he is no saint. I just feel like I was on the internet with pure intentions, I was not looking for someone else, it just happened, I know everyone want to be skeptical of him but I feel as though if I were there with innocent reasons I owe him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was too. I am not saying I completely know this man yet, but what I do, I trust and love, and I want to get to know him better because I think we could be great together. Thanks again to all and keep the comments coming I really do read them all and appreciate your words of concern
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
You really do sound like a great mom.
I'm sorry if I sounded a little harsh before...
But I still do believe you owe it your children to raise them to the best of your ability.
That being said...you chose your Dh and chose to have 3 children with him...and have another.
You cannot make dh become how you want him to be.
Trust me if dh treated you the same way...you would never..for a split sec..think of leaving him and disrupt everyones lives.
It is not worth it all...for these feelings now matter how real they seem or how real they are.
I feel for you....You really do believe this is true.
Maybe it is.....but if you don't risk it ALL....you will never know.
Is it worth EVERYTHING you have????
I must say ....all of us wives are not absolutely crazy head over heels in love with our men...all the time.
Seriously....I know that I love my dh more today then I did yesterday....but that doesn't mean that he acts or says everything I want him to.
This new man could be indeed very real....but you know as well as I...that it can't be as real as what you have.
You and dh have built this life together...it may not be all that right now...but you built it together.
Put yourself in dh's shoes...turn the tables..
What if he was doing this to you?
Don't you owe him a lil more....considering you promised to be with him forever....
This is his life too...that you will be ending.
Once again.....Good Luck!
I know you will come to your senses.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
I absolutely dont feel as if I am being judged by anyone. I posted this with the intention to take all comments. As far as leaving my children decide,I guess I didnt really make that comment too clear. I will choose for myself and my children without making them decide. What I meant was that he is going to get his childrens input on whether or not they are willing to leave their lives in Washington to come here to Ohio and start a life with me. His children's mother is not involved in their lives. He wants to make sure they are okay with it before he uproots them, I respect that fully and it just shows me that he is a good father. He loves me , he knows my children are a part of me so he also loves them. But he of course must put his own childrens needs first and make sure they are not totally against this
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Well...we're you hoping things would iron themselves out?
Were you just settling with dh?
It does sound like you are very unhappy.
I myself have been with my dh since i was 15...I now am 28..almost 13 years.
We have 2 children together and let me tell you...
I know what it's like to want love and attention and affection.
I think before you jump into...I know you are not jumping per say...but ....
what I am trying to say is....You are doing alot of thinkng with your heart...also use your head.
Maybe do what one of the above posters suggested...
Give it a break for a month...tell him you will be needing a month to sort things out...
And then see how it goes...
You don't sound as if you are 16 and immature...but you do sound like a woman who is unhappy
and wanting more out of love and life.
So do yourself a favor and give yourself some time to think.
And maybe not involve the kids just yet....Tell dh you need to have a serious talk with him..
Maybe even mention counselling.
Then make your decision.
You should give him every opportunity to fight for his family..even if it is too late.
Blank
Avatar_n_tn
Well...we're you hoping things would iron themselves out?
Were you just settling with dh?
It does sound like you are very unhappy.
I myself have been with my dh since i was 15...I now am 28..almost 13 years.
We have 2 children together and let me tell you...
I know what it's like to want love and attention and affection.
I think before you jump into...I know you are not jumping per say...but ....
what I am trying to say is....You are doing alot of thinkng with your heart...also use your head.
Maybe do what one of the above posters suggested...
Give it a break for a month...tell him you will be needing a month to sort things out...
And then see how it goes...
You don't sound as if you are 16 and immature...but you do sound like a woman who is unhappy
and wanting more out of love and life.
So do yourself a favor and give yourself some time to think.
And maybe not involve the kids just yet....Tell dh you need to have a serious talk with him..
Maybe even mention counselling.
Then make your decision.
You should give him every opportunity to fight for his family..even if it is too late.
Blank
183784_tn?1189759432
Thanks so much for your post. I only said I was sounding 16 because a previous post hinted to that fact. Thanks for being so understanding and I really do appreciate your comments. I know this situation is hard for people to grasp,,its hard for me to believe myself and I am the one going through it. Honestly I wish I didnt have these feelings, I wish I was comepletly fullfilled in my marriage, but I am not. I dont know if I would say that I settled when I married DH but I will say that he was my first and only, in every since of the word. He was my first boyfriend and he was the only person I have ever kissed or held hands with. I know that sounds silly but it is the truth. He remains to this day the only man I have ever been with, but now I can say he is not the only man I have ever had feelings for. This is very hard and so confusing.
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Maternal & Child Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
469720_tn?1388149949
Blank
Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm-treatable... Blank
Oct 04 by Lee Kirksey, MDBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
The 3 Essentials to Ending Emotiona...
Sep 18 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Control Emotional Eating with this ...
Sep 04 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Children's Health Answerers
134578_tn?1404951303
Blank
AnnieBrooke
OR
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
4851940_tn?1385441629
Blank
jemma116
United Kingdom
4268628_tn?1375044776
Blank
Flickan
Monroe, WA
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
MrsVirginia_001
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
gyspy09
PA