Some of you may remember my post a while back about a friend who found out she was pregnant but refused to quit smoking pot. She miscarried on the 17th of March and now will not talk to me, she says and I quote, "All of my preaching didn't help with the stress..." she went on but things got pretty nasty. I didn't mean to be preachy just voice my concerns about the health of her baby. Is it possible that the pot smoking contributed to the miscarriage? I feel bad that she is going throught what she is going through because I have been there myself (not due to smoking pot though) but in the back of my mind I can't help but think I told you so.
I don't think there is anyway to know what caused her m/c for sure but I do believe that everything we experience in life teaches us a lesson. She will have to figure out for herself what the m/c means to her and for you, you may want to think about her comment about your preaching. Sometimes, although you had the best of intentions (and in my opinion, you were right) sometimes people don't want to hear your advice, they just want you to be there as their friend. I've learned many times that when I give my opinion and I get resistance, I back off. People are funny and friendships are fragile sometimes. How you handle it can make a big difference between continuing or ending a friendship. I am so sorry for her loss, I have been there too (with being completely healthy) and I know how much it hurts. Maybe in time when she isn't feeling as much pain, you can get close again. I wish you and she all the best.
It sounds to me like she knows herself she made a big mistake using pot while she was pregnant and she's turning her anger for herself towards you. If anything this could have taught her a lesson for future pregnancies.
Nothing mean spirited about it-I was waiting for someone to reply, I have had a miscarriage myself!!
People are really selfish if they decide to bring a baby into this world and think only of themselves.
There is so much information out there for women today for informed decisions its not that she wasnt informed she chose not to stop doing it!!!(smoking pot) And if a friend cant give their advice to another friend about something so important than act the way she did thats childish
I am not saying that the pot use was the cause but it very well could have been. They say in all of the books that one way to help prevent a m/c is NOT to smoke and I assume it means anything. I am not saying this is always the case because I had a m/c and I do not smoke, never have and never will. Do not let her make you feel guilty either. You were just trying to be a good friend looking out for her and her unborn baby. Maybe she is really having a hard time with the m/c and deep down I think she does blame herself for her drug use but she will never admit that (at least not right now) and has to find a blame so why not blame you for the "stress". Let her grieve and she will come around eventually. If she gets pg again and still smokes pot then leave her alone. You have tried to help her once and obviously she does NOT want to hear it. Hopefully this was a wake up call and maybe she will stop. Sorry to hear this had to happen though. Good Luck and Take Care.
I think the two previous posters hit it right on the head. You (and she) will never know what caused the m/c, but there is little you can do but try to be supportive of her in her grief. She may want to avoid you for a time, as she may link you in her mind with feelings of guilt and anger.
Hard to know what to do, exactly. Just be there for her and offer your sympathies.
Well you can say i told you so!! Cause you did
She probably is feeling guilty herself and taking it out on you. I dont know how good of a friend she was- but if she is a good friend she should have realized you were trying to help her. I guess she needs some one to blame and for now that is you.After her grieving Im sure she will realize what a good friend you were trying to be.
Cinnamonheart, I couldn't agree more. Sometimes tough love is just what people need. I understood exactly what you were trying to say. Maybe smoking pot didn't cause her miscarriage, but maybe it did! She certainly knew she shouldn't have done it, especially with the help of her friend. I think it was very brave of her to advise her friend that it's bad to smoke pot while your pregnant, I only hope I could be that brave as well.
I have a friend that abused OTC drugs and several times was hospitilized for it, For the first while I was very supportive, but after a while its time for tough love, she did everything from lie, to steal, to cheat, etc.... She would say she never took anything ..well I could always tell she had she would slur her words, glassy eyes, pass out ... I just came out and confronted her.. She was mad and didnt talk for about 3 months- she called me one day from the hospital(again) and we now still talk - for those 3 months we didnt she said she realized i was right . In those 3 months she had lost her son over it and is now trying to get visitation rights Maybe I should have opened my big mouth sooner!!!
I think we are all on your side. I thought you were brave. Maybe she'll come around when she's less angry. I think anger is just a way some people express how sad they are. It might also be hard for her to be around you because you are pregnant. I was angry and jealous at every pregnant woman I saw after my son was stillborn, and still can be even though I'm pregnant again.
No I know most people would know you wouldnt go up to a person and say I told you so
Your right you probably did want to say it. And that is probably what all of us would have want to do to,
Your friend is angry and is taking it out on you and hopefully in time she will see you were trying to be a great friend
My post wasnt meant to hurt your feelings I hope you understood that, I agree with what you said.
She is just acting out due to her loss and her knowledge that she might have had some hand in the MC since wasn't acting in the child's best interest. Just give her some time and space. She'll come around. If she doesn't, she wasn't your friend to begin with.
I DID NOT say I told you so to her, I just thought it. Maybe that is just as bad. I have suffered miscarriages as well through no fault of my own and she has been there for me and has seen what I have gone through. I just don't understand why she would temp fate knowing what could go wrong. I still want to hug her and say everything will be fine but right now that is not an option as she is not talking to me. I am crying now b/c of all of this, I didn't post my concerns to be chewed up and spit out just for advice on how I can fix the hurt feelings and be there for her during her grieving process. I am not agreeing with what she did but nothing can be done now.
All's I have to say, is the best thing this woman can use right now is a sense of understanding, love, compassion and friendship..not judgement or harsh realities of the infamous could have or should have beens - do's and don't do's...just pure compassion and an acknoweledgement of her incredibly painful loss - REGARDLESS of what she did or did not do.
I'm not saying the "advice" was bad, as I am sure it was with great intent, I'm just saying that compassion and SINCERE friendship can go a long way and to NOT disregard what she is or will be going through for quite sometime. Just be there as a friend. Don't try to educate her about something she already knows...this has obviously hurt your friendship with her. Some women (like myself) think we "know it all" but even during some of the toughest storms in life - we really do NOT...but YOUR little piece of information and words of wisdom will not go unknown...eventually, this woman and probably many others too will remember this site and you will have had a major impact on someone's life (and possibly their future baby's too).
I believe that being her friend she should have comforted her more for the miscarriage not for the reason she had it. isn't life about not being perfect and not to be judged last I remember only one can do that. And god would not likely say well you know that smoking pot is why you misscarried. I believe god would comfort me. Thanks...I am always thankful that I live in america that all our opio matters
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