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Marriage question....Sorry TMI
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Marriage question....Sorry TMI

My dh is upset because we do not have sex anymore.   We have sex about twice a month.  My dd is 1 and on the move constantly.  I have alot of stress in my life trying to stay home and make ends meet and just recently lost my at home job. (outsourced them to another country)  I am so tired at the end of the day.  All day I do massages work an at home job using the phone and babysit a ten year old.  I am just tired and really stressed.  Not to mention it's hard to feel sexy with my flabby tummy.  So my dh has been acting like such a child lately.  Like I have another child who needs me right!  So today we talked.  He feels bad because we have a ritual...Every night I rub his feet and then he rubs my back (I am a massage therapist and he has feet problems) fair trade.  He trys to get frisky and I am sound to sleep. He says he gets nothing in return.  I mean really I do the cooking most of the time, the laundry all of the time, the cleaning, the dishes,,,everything!  I don't feel sexy and I am tired and have just way to many things on my mind.  I blow him off all the time thinking he'll live without sex and today he tells me how rejected he feels in not so many words.  I told him I would ask you all for some advice.  Could this be a hormonal thing or just too tired.  I just have absolutely no sex drive.  I told him I thought it was normal since we have a little one but maybe I am really neglecting him.  I do have the desire to be next to him and to cuddle with him but he'll come up behind me in the kitchen and before I know it he's groping me.  It just makes me cringe!!!  I guess there is nothing you all can help me with over the internet..lol.  but maybe to hear if it's happened to you all would make me feel better.  If not at least I got to vent.  
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16 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
i remember feeling exactly that way after my son was born.  my ex wasnt helpful with home chores and i worked a 9+hour day, took care of the house, bills, cooking, cleaning, you name it.  i felt like cra.p.  sex was the last thing on my mind.  men dont really get us, to me if you help with chores so i am less tired, i am more likely to feel like having sex.   if my other were to sit and watch tv and me run around i feel like chopping his head off lol.  you sound way too busy, i dont know how you massage, take care of a baby and a small child.  do you have someone watching the kids while you work?  maybe you and dh need to remember each other.  take a night a week and get out.  leave your little one with a grandparent or babysitter.  go to dinner, a walk,  coffee, bookstore, or even get a cheap motel room for a few hours!  when i try to get my dh to rub my back (i do massage too maybe you remember) he starts off with good intentions then he feels the need to massage my boobs.  i think you two have to find a way to divide chores and tasks.  make time for each other.  remember that the baby is important, but so is your relationship.  and if none of that works maybe see a marriage therapist.  
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Avatar_f_tn
One of the things you mentioned was how you feel about your flabby tummy. I wonder if not only part of the problem is just time---but also that you feel embarrassed about your looks and would rather get in shape first? I think all moms feel that way. One of the sexiest things is when we realize that being a mom and having children is one of the most beautiful things we can do with our bodies. Sort of like battle scars. I would suggest that you tell your hubby about how you are feeling. It seems as if he still thinks you are beautiful so he probably does not understand your hesitations. As well, it is so hard to find time for anything when you have a little one and are working full time.Your job would make you very exhausted and because it is all about touch you probably see a lot of touching is just an extension of what you do all day!
If you can, get someone to look after the kids (or get your hubby to work that all out) and take some time away either just for an evening or at a hotel.
Also, set aside time on a weekend just to spend cuddling. Sometimes the pressure to lead to sex is too much and if you start off by just cuddling or something less demanding it might just end up there naturally.
As well, see if your hubby can help you with some chores or racing after your baby--this way, maybe he will get the idea of how loaded your schedule is. I bet if he spent the day looking after your daughter while you were at a spa or doing something just for yourself and you came home he would be so understanding that you get tired so quickly! And..you'd come home feeling more relaxed and more willing to have sex :)
Don't worry, what you are experiencing is normal. What your hubby is wanting is normal too, though! :) (men need sex to feel connected to us--that is just how they are wired--if they don't get sex for a while, they do take it personally).
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Avatar_f_tn
Sorry you are stressing.  It seems like since you have talked about it, you are both open to "figuring it out."  I know at one time in my marriage I felt similar, and one night when I again did not want to have sex, he complained and my comment was, "Put it on the list."  He looked at me with a dropped jaw.  He was like...what do you mean.  I just said I feel like....what ELSE can I do for you, sheesh!  I think he SO got it then and made more of an effort.  maybe your DH needs to hear honest words too about how you feel.  He needs to help you more and allow you to feel like you dont need to do so much.  Plus, I have to say, as the kids get older, it does seem to ease up some....Good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with waitingwithhope. You should leave the kids, if possible with a family member. Go out and have a date. RELAX. You deserve it. Things will just happen and you won't feel the pressure as so much of another "job" to take care of. Believe me, I've been there...and still go there from time to time. He'll probably put less stress on it if you both get some time for each other alone. Best wishes.
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Avatar_f_tn
OP,Perty-hehe, That is how my dh is, I can't get a massage unless I am willing to go ahead w/ whatever after. I can never just have a nice massage and then go to bed. dh feels he must get something in return. and he can't just give a massage w/ out heading toward my chest...I know how it is. There are times when I just don't have the energy to do anything, let alone sex. I don't think you are alone, OP!
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Avatar_f_tn
you're def not alone.  Sex?  What the heck is that?  Poor DH...I feel for him.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't want to be a Debbie-Downer here, but ladies...you better take care of your man or he will find someone else that will. At this present time, I know several married men that are screwing around on their wives (Dh's college buddies). By appearance you would never guess it and I am pretty certain that their wives have no idea about it at all. These are good family men...not wild boys. At this point, none of these men admit to having any kind of feelings for their mistress and they all declare that they would NEVER leave their wives and children. These men all claim to love their wives and say they would never want to hurt them. They all claim that the reason they cheat is because their wives do not have sex with them often enough...they claim their wives will only do it on a certain night(s) of the week, or every other week...none of them hold out all month long.

If you no longer have the desire to make love to your husband you really should consult your doctor to rule out hormonal irregularities, depression, other illness, side effects of medication, etc. It may also be good to consult a marriage counselor for advice on how to spice things back up in the midst of daily chaos.

At a dear friend's wedding the Priest offered the couple the best advice that I had ever heard: even though you are now married, continue to date each other. Be sure to nurture your friendship regularly. When you have children don't stop dating one another, still set aside time for date night and continue to nurture the romance. He stressed how important dating each other would remain during the course of raising children together is and he warned that you must continue that courtship throughout child-rearing years because there will come a day when the kids are grown and it is just the 2 of you again. That is when you will need that friendship with each other the most.

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Avatar_f_tn
honeybee you are totally wrong here.  if  a woman has to go against how she feels inside just for sex to make her dh happy, how is that healthy and positive???  i would never offer advice such as "go ahead and let him have his way with you" that IS what you are saying and its wrong.  they need to be open and look into why or what can be done to help both of them.  sh.it it always has to be what the man needs, what about our darn needs???  if my husband had to cheat because i was too tired for sex having to do everything in the world AND please him, let him go.  anyway if you are feeling bad about your body then do something about it.  get to a gym or work out at home with a dvd , exercise balls, a group of other moms in the neighborhood that get together with the kids in jogging strollers (there is a group here that does that).  i understand the body issues, kids change us in ways that we have been brought up to believe are unacceptable.  my ex always called my stretch marks my trophy marks which made me feel better.  
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93532_tn?1349374050
First and foremost, it is totally normal to not have the energy or want to have sex. I have gone through that with all of my kids, regardless of the BC method used (I initially thought it was the depo with my first, but even with Mirena with the second and nothing with the third it was still there)

You are tired and hormonal. I know in my case i spend most of my time nursing and coddling, there is literally rarely a time when I do not have a child sitting on me, sleeping on me, or having some sort of physical contact., While I cherish these moments, when the older boys go to bed and the baby is asleep, sometimes the last thing i want is yet ANOTHER person clammoring for affection. BUT, with that being said, he deserves my attention as well. He has taken a back seat to the kid's needs in many ways and part of having kids is sacrficing, but he works hard to allow me to stay at home with the kids and deserves love and affection as well.

I take a different approach to it, I am very upfront with my husband. He knows how I feel and the prozac for PPD doubly kills my sex drive. We communicate openly and I know that once I get beyond the initial"not tonight honey" I am actually ready and willing to go. I think a lot of it is mental. He has been very understanding and patient. He is content snuggling most nights, but we do still have a very active sex life. He knows the way to my heart isn't always physical, there is nothing sexier than a man who helps with the housework and the kids.

There is a balance that needs to be found. Afterall, you chose you spouse because you love him and wanted to spend your life together. He needs to understand your position and you need to understand his. Think of how horrible you would feel if you were shut down every time you made advances. I had to stop and think about that. On the rare occasions my dh didn't want sex and I was the initator, I felt rejected. Now imagine hvaing that happen all the time. Even with a good reason behind it, it must still feel terrible.

Hopefully you and your dh can sit down and figure out a solution. Honestly, if i went with my first instincts on sex, I would rarely have it. But once I get past that inital disinterest, it is well worth the loss of sleep (TMI,lol)

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Avatar_f_tn
I would be very worried if my DH had buddies like your DH's.  I have a 10 month old and I'm pregnant and I didn't become pregnant by cuddling.  DH knows that once I'm ready, I'm ready.  Sex is important but it's not everything.  At least in our relationship it isn't.  I guess it's good that we understand each other well.
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Avatar_f_tn
ahhh, I never said I don't ever have sex w/ my dh, I have a great relationship w/ dh. Though being pregnant, we still have a great sex life and We do it probably 1-2 times a week. I do not "neglect' my dh, and he would never mess around on me because I am too tired one night to have sex w/ me. He respects me more than that. Not all men are dogs. Obviously you aren't a mother...you've never known what it is like to be chasing around a tooddler all day, doing dishes, laundry, cooking meals,(ON top of all that, some women work outside the home as well) etc. and then on some or most occasions feel too exhausted to 'get down'. I am trying to understand where you are coming from, but I don't think your comment is quite what the poster needed. She obviously wants to make it better for her dh, she doesn't need to feel the threat of her dh cheating on top of all she is dealing with....Frustrated, but trying to take your comment w/ a grain of salt. I'm sure you don't mean ill, nor do I. Oh well...
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175662_tn?1282217256
Try spicing up your life with eachother.  A time away from the family and the duties.  Time away from the children and work.  Perhaps a sunday or something, once a week, where you can set time aside to be romantic with one another and spend time as a couple not just a mom and dad, or husband and wife, but man and woman.  That might help you both.
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189192_tn?1261345228
I just wanted to clarify so there was no misunderstanding.. When I said, "use it or lose it" I meant your sex drive not your DH.. After I read some of the other posts, I didn't' want mine to be taken in that context.. :)  
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189192_tn?1261345228
I think it is kinda like a, "use it or lose it" situation... So sometimes even if you are tired and don't feel like it at ALL.. if you make yourself do it (with a willing heart of course) your body and mind will catch up with your actions.. kind of like going to the gym... the hardest part is getting started.. but once you get started... you feel good afterwards and start going 3 times a week...

Good luck to you..
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130265_tn?1277406547
It also sounds like you need some more romancing from him. He needs to understand your situation and lighten up your load. I know it's not right to put the DH on the back burner, but sometimes they get put there when we're exhausted from taking care of the household.

II have 3 kids all under 4 years old, DH works 50+ hours a week (6 days), I work 20 hrs (4 nights) a week, I'm breastfeeding and pumping for my almost 3 month old, and we still find time to have sex 2 times a week. Sometimes more , sometimes less, but on average 2ce. No, I"m not always in the mood, and he does understand. Sometimes though I do see him as another kid who has needs, and I shouldn't. I do prefer sleep over him sometimes too. He understands that if I don't want it one night that I'm totally "touched" out from dealing with the kids and the chores, and he'll relieve me of something the next day. We also share in the chores, which is the beginning of romance/foreplay for some, including me. It really does work.

I know what you mean about the flabby stomach, but honestly, our DH's don't care that much. They just want to be with us.

The massages are a good start to foreplay, but you always fall asleep during them. Try massaging in a bubble bath instead with candles when your DD is asleep. Have a glass of wine to relax as well.

Honestly, it sounds like if he'd help you out more around the house, you'd be more interested/willing to fool around.

I also have to say, that there were many times in our relationship that we didn't have sex much, maybe only 2ce a month due to pregnancy problems and my DH NEVER messed around. I'm surprised anyone would even make that remark to you. If your man truly loves you, that will never happen.
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125692_tn?1189759435
Oh my!!  Thanks for the advice.  Hmmmm we have talked and worked it out!  My dh and I have great communication and a great realtionship.  I never feared him messing around.  Maybe I'm wrong to say this but I have always felt like there are two types of men...those that would cheat and those that wouldn't.  I believe some men just don't have it in them and some do.  I dont' know I would never worry about that with my husband.  Thanks so much for sharing your stories and the helpful advice it made me feel so much more normal.
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