Miscarriage - mad at the world

Hi everyone, I just need to talk to someone, and I've already found this forum to be helpful. I had a miscarriage almost 4 weeks ago. I was 12 weeks, but the baby had only made it to 6.
Anyway, we are anxious to start trying again, and I'm waiting for my body to return to normal, but apparently my Bhcg levels still aren't gone to zero as of last Wednesday. I found this out yesterday, and I am devastated. I had to have more bloodwork done again today, but I am just so frustrated. On top of this, I have several friends and coworkers who are pregnant -one in particular who just informed us today that her due date is moved after an ultrasound - to the 29th of February which is just 2 days before I was originally due.  I thought I was coming ot terms with this, but now it's like I'm having a set back, and it's JUST NOT FAIR!!! I was part of something that I was sharing with a group of other women close to me, and now I'm not a part of it anymore, adn that just makes it all the harder, watching their bellies grow. I just feel so angry at the world. I was upset initially but this is the first time I've felt angry. I just want to scream!!!!!! How do you get through this? Someone please help!!!!

[nanis]

I'm sorry for your loss.I also had a m/c in '06.And my entire FAMILY & friends were expecting.I was devistated & it was very hard to see them get big tummy's & later have babies.It took me 2 months for my hcg levels to go down to 0.Then my dr. said I should wait a bit more.I waited a total of 5 months.I got pregnant in nov '06 & now have a beautiful 6 wk old baby girl.Be patient.If you got pregnant once it wont be hard for you to concieve (conceive) again.You just have to let your body heal & when the time comes you will to have your baby in your arms in no time.Good luck!

[pixijal]

I know how you feel.....and you'll never entirely get over it.  I was pregnant w/family members, and my best friend and I had due dates only two weeks apart (so exciting).  I lost mine.  BUT, got pg again four cycles later, and am now pregnant w/another group of women, and it is great.  Even better, I'm the leader of the pack in this one.  Due first, and can't wait.  It was difficult when my old due date came and went, and my best friend had her baby, when I was SUPPOSED to have mine....but you just deal with it.  Life isn't fair, and you can only play the game with the cards you have been dealt.  

Don't worry, soon enough you will be watching your own belly grow, and freaking out hoping it doesn't get any bigger!  The only thing that will heal you is TIME.  Another pregnancy does help, but not at first.  During a new pregnancy, you will find yourself worried sick every moment that something is WRONG.  But, with time, and ultrasounds, you'll also get over it.  
Take care, it will get better!  LIFE goes on......

[blessedwithbaby]

i too had a m/c on august 10th. i was 11 weeks 5 days.  I know how you feel. I was so angry and i have to be honest i still am. I bought an opk and now i am just hoping that i get pg this month. it may never happen again for me b/c i had my tubes tied about 7 yrs ago. I was shocked to learn i was pg.  i know it's hard and you want to be pg NOW!! i do too.......but i guess when it supposed to happen it will.  I was due feb 17th they think.  Not sure b/c i never kept track of AF.....due to having tubal ligation.  i guess everyone is different. AF came back right away for me. on aug 29 and opk was positive on sat. i will keep hoping for you and I and everyone else!!

[deanne11]

I'm so sorry about your loss.  And to answer your question, you never get passed your loss....it's your child for crying out loud.

I lost 3 babies last year and this after a normal healthy pregnancy 3 yrs prior.  I was devasted each and every time....I cry as each due date passes, and as each anniversary passes of the actual loss....it's tough.

My third loss was on 9/29 by d&e because there was no hb for 3 weeks....I refused to believe I was having a 3rd m/c so I kept going back to the dr, 6 weeks, 7 weeks, 8 weeks....and no heartbeat....finally I listened to my Dr and my husband (who at this point - just needed closure) and had the d&e.  It was so hard for me as my other 2 m/c were natural and in some way the natural process seemed so much easier on me and I could accept it better through my faith.

I'm happy to say that I am now 35 weeks pregnant.  And all seems well.  I had a rough pregnancy this time but my baby has proven strong....he's holding on to his momma with everything he has.

You have to keep plugging along for those who love you....I had a child....she was 2 at the time and she needed me and so did my husband and family.....I knew that my children were in heaven and my God was holding them in his loving arms....so I took comfort in that.  I know some day I'll see them again....my girls.....

You need to find something that will get you through.....I had my faith....if you don't have that....find something else.  Reading, jogging, something to pass the time.
Most of us on this forum know your pain and these ladies were my true angels last year....let them be yours....

[SeeingSpots]

Time will help... as will getting pregnant again (although I think once you've had a mc, you'll always worry with following pregnancies).  Try to remember that your body mc'd for a reason... most times it's a genetic flaw, so the embryo stops growing.  It's kinda your body's way of not "wasting it's energy" for a non-viable pregnancy.  It DOES hurt... it IS unfair, but it's also way more common than you may think.  So many women on this forum could give you their stories about their own miscarriages.  I had two of them in a row, myself.  The only thing optimistic is to realize that at least you had it early... it's so much harder when you mc after making it to the second trimester, after hearing that heartbeat and thinking you were out-of-the-woods.  Trust me.  Also, although you had a mc, at least it shows that you can get pregnant.  There are many who can't even get that far.  As for the pregnant women around you, try to be graceful and don't take it out on them.  I remember feeling like I was dying inside every time I saw a pregnant woman, a tv ad with a baby on it, or received all the baby coupons/junkmail that kept arriving (the companies got my name/due date and obviously didn't know I'd mc'd... even got the "congratulations on your new baby" around my supposed due date-- that was a killer!).  Instead of feeling angry when you see those other women, tell yourself that now you'll get to see what you have in store for you the next time you get pregnant.  It's okay to be sad, to cry, to rant and rave in private, or to share your sorrow with your friends.  Get it all out, and then when you're ready, start again.  When you get pregnant again, most likely your doctor will do an ultrasound sooner, since you've previously mc'd.  It helped me when I had mine at 5 wks, 6 wks, 8wks, and 12 wks.  If your doctor doesn't offer one again until your 12 wks., ask him if you can't see one sooner.  Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.

[leetlebeanweasle]

It will all be ok! I'm sorry you have to go through this but it takes time but eventually it does get better! I remember being so mad but I really just had to look on the bright side...b/c there was/is nothing else I can do. I want a baby so badly but I just have to wait. If you need to talk or vent I am here to listen! I just wanted you to know it will be ok! <3

[leetlebeanweasle]

p.s. its ok to be mad and upset. sometimes you just need to cry.

[nermineagain]

i was pregnantdue in may 28, with a lot of friend and family members, i was so excited, i lost mine at 36 weeks, in may 7, while all the others made it, my best friend was due 2/3 weeks after me, i did not go and see her baby, i found it unfair to lost my bab, while all the others are happy with their families and new baby, my other best friend informed me 4 weeks later that she got her BFP, and i wanted to cry and cry with no stopping. it is ok to be mad, angry, upset, do what ever you want. it will take time, and will become easier. sorry for your loss, but things like this happened with anybody. i am trying for a new one although i had a c-section and a lot adviced me to wait at least a year, but i couldn't i found myself trying after 6 weeks, and every time i got my period, i cry and become angry. and don't like to see pregnant women around me or newborn, that were due near my due date

[Lil Pig]

Thanks ladies for all your kind words! I know that it all takes time, but I'm just so anxious. I don't think my husband knows what's wrong with me with either -I'm just snappish with him, but I'm not a very good talker when it comes to my own feelings. I tend to bottle things up - which is why I find these forums such a big help! I don't mind talking in here :)
Thanks again! I will hang in there and try to be patient !!

[cantwait4baby]

Lil Pig - I am so sorry.  I understand what you are going through to and it will not change.  I have since had a baby after loosing my first one almost 10 years ago and I still look at babies that were born when mine was due and just wonder.  It was harder then esp when those babies were born but it still bothers me. I didn't try again because I was so scared and now almost 10 years later I have a healthy baby - thank God - but had a horrible pregnancy with her.  Try to just be happy for everyone else and know that when you do get pregnant again all those women will be so happy for you too.  So So sorry for your loss.

Deanne - wow, 35 weeks I feel like I was here with you the entire time.  haha that is because we all were.  I remember when you were trying and then all the scarey moments and wow the baby is almost here.  Congrats to you and much much happiness.  Do you know what you are having.  Any names picked out?  How is your little girl doing?  Does she still not like fuzz in the tub.  haha

[deanne11]

LOL- you had me cracking up....I totally forgot about DD's fear of fuzz in the bathtub....that was an interesting 2 weeks....LOL

She has gradutated to showers now with a non-slip mat.  Most of the time I shower with her anyway....she helps wash my feet and legs that I can't get too....hahaha

We are having a boy this time and still no name for him.....ugggh....

How are you feeling?  How much do you love being momma?

[cantwait4baby]

I love being a mom, just hard because I am back to work now but she was worth all the trouble she caused me for 9 months thats for sure.  She is so good.  She sleeps through the night - since she was 3 weeks old.  Sometimes she wakes up now but goes right back to sleep.  She is healthy.  I feel good - I am still going to the cardiologist every month to try to get my heart back to normal.  The baby did a number on it.  I lost 45 of my 80lbs I gained.  I am slowly getting there.  I still dont fit in any of my clothes but I will my next summer. hahah

Congrats on the boy - that is so exciting I am so happy for you - I feel like I know you.  :)  I hope all these other women on here have the same success - everyone tries so hard its so sad to see them struggling now that I have one.  Before it made me feel like I was not alone but now I just want everyone to be happy.  :)

[#1 girl]

I have 2 sons, and then this past January i had gotten pregnant again.  I was totally surprised.  Well, I got so excited because we started to tell people.  By "10 weeks"  I even registered for a few things I would need.  I went for my first appointment at 9 weeks 1 day and the Dr. was insisting i was 7 weeks 1 day.  I knew something sounded wrong, but i STILL CONTINUED TO BE HAPPY AND EXCITED.
I even told my kids, which I knew I should not have done.  Other people were getting pregnant too that I knew.  Well, by 11.5 weeks I was bleeding old blood, went to the dr. and he did a sonogram to find the baby was not moving.  I walked out hysterical and hating the world.  My son remembers that day as the day mommy cried, but does not know why.  I was thinking I was almost 12 weeks preg.  when in reality the fetus' heart stopped beating at "7 weeks 2 days", the day after my dr's visit.  The worst part, was telling people and their stupid comments that made me mad.  
The truth is that time will be the only healer.  I still think about how i would be due soon.  I am not as angry at all.  I feel like TOO MANY PEOPLE HAVE MC.  Almost every girl I know with kids or trying has had at least 1.  I know how you feel.  I had the same situation.  Hope you feel better.  The positive side is that you know you can get pregnant so as soon as you can try, you can.

[candicel]

i also lost a baby when i was 10 weeks. apparantly it stopped growing around 7 weeks. that was 3 months ago and im still p*ssed at the world. My sister inlaw is due in about a month and a half and im not sure how im going to go when she has her bub but im working on it. It also hurts me to see other pregnant women but im trying really hard to not be jealous. The worst part is that constant craving to be pregnant again. I have passed my 3 month period so we are free to try again but its so damn scary i dont know what to do. I have 2 kids already and sometimes i think that i should be happy with that and not be to greedy :) but i really wanted that 3rd baby. I just wanted you to know that i know how you feel. Im not sure if the hurt will ever go away but im hoping it gets easier. Also i went through a bit of a deppresion and the only thing that snapped me out of it was talking to my man about it. I also have trouble expessing my feelings but i ended up telling him every thing i was thinking, even the stuff that i knew was not nice like being pissed because his sister didnt want her baby and yet she was still carrying hers and it helped alot. He didnt understand what i was going through but he was there for me. i dont know what i would of done without him. Let your man be there for you to.