My 3 year old ignores me!

Hi!
Am really hoping for some advice. My 3 year old can be the sweetest thing in the world when she does listen to me, and when she does, we get on like a house on fire (obviously!). But lately she does this thing that drives me crazy! It's not that she keeps saying NO to me, but she just IGNORES me. If she did say no, at least you can lump that in the 'defiant' category, and discipline accordingly. But what the hell do you do when the child just ignores you? I mean, I know that she can hear me... she's standing right in front of me giving me a smirk!
It happens for anythign from changing her clothes to playing with her food, closing the fridge. I usually count her down from 5,4,3,2,1, then if she still doesn't listen to me then I do it for her (eg: I shut the fridge instead of letting her do it etc), which is obviously just a short term solution because the situation keeps happening. (or is getting through this phase just a series of short term solutions strung together??!!)
Yes, I understand she's 3 and that this too shall pass etc, but I need some suggestions as to what to do till it does.
Right now, I just scream a lot and by the end of the day (this doesn't happen every day - but when it does, oh boy...), my shoulders feel like they're 2 inches higher than at the start of the day!
I want to make this a more relaxing relationship for the both of us ... I have a very short fuse, and I'm really, really, really trying to NOT pass that characteristic on to her!
And yes... I welcome any advice on how to be more patient too!!! Not my strongest point! As my husband loves to point out : )
Thanks!

[waitingwithhope]

Your daughter has learned to tune you out. It is good you are honest with yourself-you realize you do scream a lot. Eventually, she just hears nothing. And, sometimes kids also do things or say things to get attention or a reaction. A scream or a fight is a reaction.
Here are some things that can help you....
1) Try not to sweat the small stuff. Save your energy for when it really is super important and it counts.
2) Never discipline out of anger. If you feel that you are getting upset, calmly take her to her time out area and stick with that...and also do not be afraid to tell your daughter when you need a time out (or cool down). Kids really can understand if you tell them mommy is getting upset and just needs a couple of minutes to breathe. She will learn how to handle frustration from how you do it.
3) Make sure you have consequences that make sense, in place, way before she does anything. Make sure too she knows what they are. Then, when the time comes, quietly and calmly take her to her time out area.
4) Do not take the ignoring or the smirk personally. Hard to do, but chalk it up to her being smart. Also do not expect her to respond to you until after the time out. My daughter must apologize after her time out and she has to be specific. She is 2 and she can do this really well.
5) Give your daughter simple choices (too many choices are overwhelming, too complex ones will confuse her). Put two outfits out...let her choose. Give her lots of time to choose. You can even place it out the night before and tell her in the morning she can point to which one she wants. Tell her if she does not pick one, of course, you will pick one, but point out the good points of each outfit (like, this one is so pretty and pink)
6) Praise and encourage her when she is doing something right. As many times as possible. Chances are, you grew up in a house with someone with a short fuse and you probably wondered about your own sense of self-worth (it is scary to have someone screaming at you, no matter what age you are)
7) Treat yourself to time just to yourself. You will find that you are more frustrated if you do not get out of the house, have a nice long bath or read a good book. It is important to have mommy time.
You are right, it can pass, but it also can set up a pattern of fighting- who is right, who is wrong and a battle of wills. This can go on forever or have you form a negative opinion of your daughter or even label her out of sheer frustration. Remember, she is 3. She needs her mommy to be loving, calm and a safe, secure place. And, if she has a tantrum, walk away from it. Do not give it power. Put her in a safe place to cry it out and let her know that when she is done, she can have a hug. Good luck!!

[Terrina74]

thank you sooo much for your reply! It was exactly what I was looking for.
You've shared a lot of good points... all of which i will re-read once the kids go down to sleep so I can actually take it all in : )
And yes, you are right, I have learn how to not give negative behavior power , while not sweating the small stuff ... WHILE being that loving, calm, safe mom she needs. That shouldn't be too hard ... haha.
Thanks again and take care!

[waitingwithhope]

Hey, you're welcome. Good luck with it all. The great thing is you recognize you want to do things differently- that's being a good parent. It's hard too when we've been out in the corporate/career world (I see you've been a journalist) and we are used to people around us following orders or doing things and we're used to being listened to. It's much harder to be a parent for sure!!