So they say you can hide behind a computer screen... i'm gonna see if i can... I have been holding this evil secret inside of me for months and it's killing me. i broke down and finally told my bf this morning... of course he was all, your beautiful and i love you and i think these too. i love you blah blah blah... all that he's suppose to say... so here's my secret.
i'm 5 1/2 months preg. and i dont want my baby. i know this is the most evil thing to think. i have a sister that gave away/lost her children is Socail services and i disowned her for it. I love children. i have always wanted them. this wasn't planned but not a horrible problem. we have the money and the relationship and general situation to have a child.
when i first got preg i wasn't excited because it hasn't sunk in yet and i was really busy with school. People said give it time. Than i started to gain weight. I waited for it to hit me and for this mircle to hit me. I got to the point where it was a round belly, not just fat, still people said wait. they said it was cause of the morning sickness and i would be happier about it in time.
than it was wait until you feel your angel kick. than you'll really know that something is in there and you'll be so excited. my bf loves me and the baby so much. everyone is supportive and loving... why can't i just shut up and enjoy how damn lucky i am!!!
All i can think is how horrible can i be that i dont love my baby!!!! i dont want it... how does that make since. sometimes i wish i could m/c so it will go away. i cried for hours this morning and trly wanted to die. all i feel is sick, it kicks and i'm annoyed cause it hurts, i feel disguising and fat. i was unpacking my things (to move in with him) and i started crying looking at all my clothes that i can't wear...
so my question is ... i guess... why am i so horrible and evil? i dont want to be this kind of mother! can the baby feel that i dont love it? i take care of myself and what not... it's just all emotional... how do i make myself love my baby... I need an answer cause i'm dying in guilt and i have run out of energy trying to pretend i'm happy about it for him... i can't even look at him today... i was so glad when he went to work so i wouldn't have to face him anymore.... pls i need help!!
You are not dirty or evil. You sound very confused and depressed. No one can tell you how to love your baby. This may come with time or it may not. Love is a very personal emotion. In your post you asked for help. I don't think this message board can help you effectively. You really need to consider speaking to a counselor or a therapist who can help you work through these strong emotions. There is no shame in needing therapy. I went to therapy and took medication for years for OCD. We all need help from time to time.
If you are so distraught that you might consider hurting yourself, please call a trusted friend or 911. You are a valuable person and remember that lots of people love you no matter what you do.
Please take care of yourself. Posting on the board was a first step in helping yourself. Take the next step as soon as you can.
Im 5 and a half months pregnant right now too. Please dont give up hope. Is there someone you can talk to about this problem? Your mom or your doctor? I feel really bad that you are having all these feelings b/c this is suppose to be a happy time. I dont think your baby knows how you feel and it sounds like you desperately want to be a good person. Just remember the weight will come off after you have the baby. If you really dont want this baby and you feel the same way after you see him/her, there are millions of couples that would love him. If that is a decision you make dont feel guilty at all. You would be doing a good thing for your child instead of keeping him when you dont love him. He will feel unloved as time goes on. Maybe your feelings will change after you give birth. I would definately talk to your DR. b/c this could be a hormone thing. I hope you work everything out and Im here if you need to talk....dont feel ashamed.
I am so sorry you are in so mych pain. Maybe you just arent ready yet??? Have you considered other options like having the baby adopted??? Have you talked to you bf and had a conversation about this baby..If you cannot tell him, then maybe you should go to counseling and talk to someone...that is a start....maybe there is a reason why you feel this way??? I have been wanting a baby for years...and I know there are two sides feeling like you want a baby or the other....(like you may bot be ready).... I would love to adopt your baby but you do what is best for YOU and your bf..... There are always options....but I think your first step is that you told us and now you probably feel better by just talking to us....(you made the right choice!!) Now, find a counselor to talk to and try to stay healthy.... you care going through a lot so it is normal to feel this way.....Please keep in touch and I am here if you need to talk....
My nurse told me at my very first appointment when I got pregnant that if I ever felt like this that I just needed to tell them. She said it's common and since hormones get all crazy during pregnancy that many women need antidepressants to help them feel better. I would honestly talk to your doctor about this. Even if you don't feel depressed, you may very well be. My husband has depression problems and even though he doesn't feel down...he acts like a jerk without knowing it, but as soon as he got put on his meds....he's back to his old self. (Not that I think you are being a jerk) Hang in there!
Your both young and it is a big responsibility. Truly if your not sure your ready for it, you should consider aboption. You need to really talk this over with you bf. I feel for you and I am so sorry your going through this. I hope it is just hormonal and due to the changes going on in your life such as living arrangements.
If this question is too personal then don't answer, but in your post you mentioned your sister lost her children to social services, do you think you have a fear of not being a good mother or that you will fail as she did?
I am on my meds for being bi-polor for the reason because I didn't want to have thoughts and feelings that your are having - I have been there when I wasn't pregnant. I'm 31w4d and I am doing it alone. If I wasn't on my med. then I don't know what would happen to me. You don't have to go off all your meds just because you are pregnant. I think it is time to go see a dr. God I know what it is like to feel something and then feel gulity about it. My meds. are Class C meds. and that means they are not sure what kinds of effects it has meaning it hasn't been proven as of yet. At 31W my baby is fine.
Wow, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I could be totally off with this but it seems to me that you are not extremely happy with the moving in situation and relationship with this guy. Maybe that is why you dont want/feel love for the baby. So you are 5 months pregnant and moving in with your bf. Sounds like a huge life change and that is definately scary for anyone. I urge you to get some counseling to help you figure out what is going on within you. If after you have the baby you still dont want, you can talk to your bf to see if he wants custody. You may fall completely in love with the baby when you hold it in your arms but if you dont, it is ok. You will have given the baby life and someone else can love it completely. Keep talking about it and get your feelings out to your friends, family, counselor, etc. It is not a dirty little secret. Your feelings are real and you should acknowledge them. Best wishes to you.
first i dont see how's its hormones... how much can you blame on that really? and i have felt it since well most of the time..
second. i have an amazing bf. and i love him so much. I'm moving in with him cause i live in a different city. I had to go away to school. I graduate in 3 weeks. i was going to move home and into his place before we even knew about the baby... that's why i say i'm so lucky. he's in the military. we have the house, the money, the love... how many people cry at nite cause they dont have one or all of these things and i'm crying cause i dont have enough? cause i can't seem to get happy or excited?? how is that fair!!!!
i just dont know what to do anymore... as for the couseling i went for years. (family issues) so i have no problem going. but here it takes about 6 montsh to a yaer to get into it.... by than who knows what will happen... i'm so ashamed i could never tell someone to their face about this...
You truly are not a bad person, nor by any means evil Being pregnant for the first time and it being umplanned can be overwhleming. The hormones can make you crazy. It's an adjustment. I have three wonderful children and i love them all very much. But to be honest, when I was pregnant with my daughter, now 15 months, I was so upset. She was not planned, my relationship was on the rocks BIG TIME and i felt so confused. I didn't want her, I used to think some of the same things you seem to be thinking. I was afraid I was not going to love her and I used to cry a lot. I kept this bottled up most of my pregnancy, but after I held her for the first time, I felt the love rush in. I couldn't be any happier. You still have hope, hold on to that and know it may just be a combination of things going on that are life changing and very very scarey.
I wish I would have went to some kind of counseling, but like you, I was ahamed, I felt like a terrible person. How could I have this little life growing in me and find little joy over it? Especially after haveing two children already.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant now and there are days that I wished I would m/c this baby too. I had just broken up with my bf when I found out I was pg and now he plays with my head and says he won't do anything for the baby unless I'm with him. I do not want to be with him. He also tells me on a daily basis that he could never marry me, he has no future with me and he could never love me and that the baby is not his. He won't buy anything for the baby, says I don't need simple things like a stroller. I can't find a job right now because I'm 4 1/2 months pg and no one wants to hire me. I don't know what to do. I thought about abortion, but that's something that I could never do. Thought about adoption but I can't live knowing I have a child out there in the world somewhere. Somedays it seems hopeless and I wish I could run away. I love my baby and it's hard, but I'm finally starting to cope with all of this, but I think about the **** this baby's father does and says to me it makes me not want to have this baby. This is terrible and I never felt like this when I was pg with my daughter. I love her to death, I love this baby too. I don't know what in the world is wrong with me. I deserve to be shot for the things I think. I wish I could help you, give you some advice but I can't. But I want you to know that you are not the only one going through this. I am no longer with the father and I am dating a wonderful guy, he's a little younger than me but he really likes my daughter and doesn't care that I'm pg. The father tells me he won't be there for the birth but my bf said he will he and his family are so excited and told me that they'll be there for me. That in it self makes me feel better. Good luck and I really hope things get better for you soon.
True depression can make you feel a lot of terrible things! It really sounds like you are suffering from depression, and yes, you do need to tell your doctor. You don't have to say, "I don't want my baby", you can just tell him how awful you are feeling....guilty feeling....annoyed...etc., and there are medicines that can help you. I suffered from postpartum depression and thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life and wanted to die! After I was finally diagnosed and put on the right medication, it made a world of difference. Please, just talk to your doctor. You think you are the only one, but chances are, your doctor has heard this before and can help you.
I am so glad you are feeling better. You are gonna be a great mom. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have posted here for any advice and it is great to hear your family is supportive of what ever you do. You are in my prayers. It will get better, I know from experience. I was a basket case with my last pregnancy and to look back now, I would do it all over again. I wish I would have known about this site back then because I could have really used it. The women on here seems great and everyone is concerned about every one else even without having a face. We are all here for the same reasons, support and advice. big hugs to you
thank you again. for prayers and understanding. it is still something to deal with but i think not holding it in like a dirty secret is what has really helped. having hope from you guys that i'm not horrible just pregnant... like i said only time will tell but i have a bit of hope now... thank you forever to you all... i read this everyday but hardly post. i'm really glad i did for this one.
I've been reading this post all day and keeping up with your responses. My pregnancy wasn't planned either. It sounds like you are having some depression issues because of the pregnancy, which is so common sweetie. Don't feel alone. My husband is in the military as well. I hate being pregnant and I've had problems in my pregnancy and I fear that the rest of my pregnancy isn't going to get any better. I am really rooting for you and praying for you. You really aren't a bad person. I have a friend right now who's pregnant and she wasn't very happy in the beginning. I'm actually not even sure she's gotten any more happier about it, or if shes putting on a front. I tell her it's going to get better. If you want to continue talking to me I'd love for you to have someone to talk to when you get to feeling bad. I have email addresses and messengers. So just let me know. Good luck sweetheart! One way or another it will all work out for you and your precious baby.
You are probably more upset with things you don't realize--it could be because of something in your past that was triggered by your pregnancy. Motherhood and impending motherhood has a weird way of reminding you of the past. It may actually not be related to your baby at all. It would be hard to go to a doctor and admit your feelings, but you are taking the first step by acknowledging your feelings here and being honest with yourself. In addition to your past, hormones can shift so much that you don't realize they are hormones and it is awful to feel like you are not in control of the situation and feeling like what you must think a woman should feel like towards their baby. Believe it or not, a lot of women still feel like this when they have their child and have difficulty bonding and are so disillusioned because they don't have that instant love for their child like they thought they were supposed to. While adoption might be an option down the road, I am thinking by the sounds of your posts that you don't want adoption--you just want to love this baby. Since you are trying so hard to do so but are unable to, please realize that this is not because you are a bad mom or that it won't happen--it just means you are unable to "make" it happen and that is a sign that you may need help either through drugs or therapy to help you head in the right direction. It is NOT your fault at all, please don't ever blame yourself.
I think it is time to seek a drs. help for how you are feeling. I am bi-polor and without my meds. I would be lost and have bad toughts and feelings - I am in no means telling you you may be bi-polor but if you are getting to the point where you feel like you want to hurt yourself - I know you haven't but if you do get to that point, then go see a dr. they can put you on meds and it can help. Even having thoughts of wanting to m/c is kind of scary to me - but normal in a way but don't make yourself all this crazy. Please go talk to someone. Don't pretend anymore. If you don't want the baby, you can always place it for adoption. Tell someone how you feel - it is scary to have a baby and it is your first and it was not planned. Take a deep breath and people on here do have a lot of good advise - this is only what I think.
Honestly, when I was on birth control when I was younger it made me nuts! I felt so out of control. Everything I normally loved...I hated. I thought out every worse case situation possible and figured it would happen to me. The guy who I was dating then (who was the best, sweetest, most wonderful person...he died of cancer 3 years ago :( ) was so great to me and so encouraging. We spent tons of time together and somehow I kept thinking that he was doing drugs, cheating on me.......such random off the wall stuff. I mean I would hear a sad country song and MAKE it apply to my life just to make myself miserable. I just could NOT handle the hormones in the pill! That's when I was 17 and I haven't been on it since...nor will I be!!!! Pregnancy has very similar hormones, obviously, and can cause this. You evidently are not a horrible person or you wouldn't have come here seeking help and advice. The fact that you are worried about how you feel makes you a good person all in itself!
Sweetie, I remember you from back when things were going haywire for you. I'm glad that the relationship has gotten better and I worry about you. I'm personally on medication for depression (bi-polar and borderline personality) and it helped tremendously. Please talk to your doctor about how you are feeling, I know I was surprised by how supportive mine was during the worst times.
As for loving your child, I had my 1st child before I was even old enough to vote. I had a lot of issues of viewing her as my own kid and wondered if I loved her as a parent should. Over time however I realize that I do, even if it isn't as "strong" as I feel that I love my 9 year old, or even that child as much as I love this baby. She's one of my friends, more than my child, but I would die for her and cut off my arm for her. But every now and again I wonder if keeping her was the best thing for the both of us.
Sometimes though, even after all the trouble with this pregnancy and how badly this baby is wanted, I wonder if I do want it. It is part of being being a parent, our lives change, our world and goals and priorities change, even though this is my 3rd child it has been 10 years since I had a baby. And by the time I was able to have another child I had given up and started looking at things like sports cars! Now, it's time for another mini van or sedan and starting over again. I went through periods with his pregnancy where I considered having an abortion or some other way losing this baby and how much easier that would make my life, but then I felt horrible about feeling horrible. It was an endless cycle till I was on meds for it all.
Please hun, talk to your doctors and get some help as soon as possible.
i just want to say thank you so much to everyone. i still want to cry. but at least i want to... which means i'm NOT currently :) i'm gonna answer to everyone if i can :)
I emailed what i wrote here to my mom and my OTHER sister. they both came to my place to visit. i was shocked that they actually said i had the option to give it up. i really felt that i would be disowned if i did. this, like some of you, isn't an option for me... but knowing i could makes it feel alot less like i'm Stuck like this and more back to i chose to have this baby. my sister came over and told me what one of you pointed out and i didn't realize. my whole life i was compared and a "6 year younger twin" of my "bad" sister, the one that lost her kids. and i am comparing myself to her still in life and terrified i will be like her :) my "good" sister gave me the greatest hug and told me i wasn't our "bad" sister and that i can figure out whatever it is i decide. and if i'm not ready for this kid it's okay. and maybe i wont be ready to be a real mom the way i want for another ten years... but no matter it was okay... my mom told me she felt this too. she loved us kids, but hated being pregnant. she said it's hormones and i will get through it.
anyways, my point is that i DID talk to someone here. i realized its probably a misture of a bunch of stuff, trying to graduate school, moving, having a baby, hormones, comparing my past.... and so on... i just need to slow down and deal with only whats in front of me.... maybe with more time i will apppreciate this baby.... stressing myself and being unhappy with it isn't gonna help me love it... i have my regular check up in about two weeks. if i still am feeling like this i will bring it up to my doctor. she's great and is always asking me how i'm doing... i just didn't realize how much this all was bugging me until this morning when i finally confessed. :)
again I thank you all for your support and help. i'm going to keep faith that i must love it or why would i care that i feel like i dont. :) and in time i will see. I"m going to talk to my bf again when he gets home from work.
You know, you sound like I was during my entire pregnancy....I never said I didn't want my baby or hated it, but I was always open with anyone who asked that I wasn't excited about being pregnant. I cried for months after finding out I was pregnant and never felt like I did with the first two pregnancies. Granted, I'm a lot older than you, but I, too, had a lot going on. I was 38 when I found out I was pregnant, 39 when I delivered just 11 days ago, it was unplanned, our other two kids are 14 and 8 and I had just started a new job one week before I found out I was pregnant. I felt awful during my whole pregnancy and guilty that I wasn't excited. I talked to family, friends, my doctor and my midwife about it. I was told to see a counselor because it is sometimes common for a woman to feel that way. It was suggested that it was most likely hormonal, but I didn't think so because I hadn't gone through it with the other two pregnancies. After she was born, I fell in love instantly and can't imagine my life without her. You may still feel like you can't be a parent after your baby is born, but there is nothing wrong with it. You can always give it up for adoption to a loving person who desperately wants children, but who can't. I really look up to and admire people who are selfless and give their children up for adoption when they know they can't deal with it. I get so infuriated with people who keep them just because they had them and end up abusing or killing them. Just because you got pregnant, that doesn't mean you are ready to be a parent. I would talk to your doctor, pastor, or someone who can help you make the right decision for yourself AND your child. If you ever want to talk, just let me know.
hey there. adoption truly isn't for me... but i do understand it.
my sister that i mentioned planned all three of her children but she got selfish and a few other things, she ened up abusing them and tore our family apart... this drama and the kids got dragged out for about 4 years. two of them are now with their fathers and one is being adopted away from the family. I miss and love them all but i know they are better where they are. it's about what they need not what I want... my sister wasn't mature enough to say that for her children. its hard to explain. i hate her for it... and i'm terrified of being like her... but i feel like i could be a great mom and have always loved kids... i have a great gf, he's got pretty much a house for us, a great job (he's military) benefits and all that... i just hate being pregnant.... all of this is what i didn't and still dont completely understand....
if i felt i was going to hurt the baby or myself while i'm preg. i would call someone... i used to be depressed and hurt myself. i am better now and have been for years. i know when to call someone cause i can't be trusted alone... so you have no fear there :)
if i really can't take it when the baby is born... i will start talking to family and freinds to see what we can do... but i'm starting to think its the PREGNACY that i hate... not the baby.... and i can feel alot better about that idea....
some women truely dont like pregnancy. and its ok if you dont. you know last time after talking to all of us you had the same feel better attitude. i have a girlfriend that when she was pg she was ok with it. not thrilled, but didnt hate it. after her child was born it was very sad. she seemed to not be "IN LOVE" with her little one. she seemed more excited about others kids, and just didnt get that mommy vibe. as time went on and her baby wasnt a newborn anymore, she fell more and more in love with her baby. im sorry i suggested adoption earlier, i just thought id tell you that its ok if you did choose that. you sounds very much like you want to be a mom, and a great one at that. its not a bed of roses to swell, gain weight, feel sick, have something kick your ribs so your breath is taken away, but once you see that little one i bet you feel so different.
;lost i remember your original post. im sorry it isnt better for you. i think you really need to talk to your dr. you can word it differently, maybe you can tell them that your not happy about feeling this way, but you just dont want the baby. im sure you are not the first person they will have heard that from. maybe they can tell you something we cant. i really cant imagine the pain you are going through. there are hotlines out there, which is kinda the same as being behind the screen. maybe if you talk to a skilled professional you will feel better. you dont have to keep this baby, adoption is ok.forget about what happened with your sister. all you need to do is focus on you right now. but i cant see how you can feel better if you dont talk to someone about this now. you cant wait until after the baby is born. and you will know what to do. if you dont feel you are ready to be a mom, and you dont think you can give this person the life they deserve, then there are plenty of people out there that would love to.
i think everyone here is being a little too "cushy". it's great that so many ppl are being so supportive here, but i can't help but say this. i think you are being a little selfish. and it's just another situation that supports the simple theory- if you don't want to have a baby use birth control! and as far as your body changing, millions of women have carried babies for hundreds of years, you are not the first one to gain some weight. it's the beauty of bringing a precious little person into the world. i really don't want to sound mean, just truthful. maybe it's what you need to snap out of it. having a baby is a true blessing and i really do wish you, your bf and your new baby the best of luck.
I'm so glad you told your sister and your mom how you were feeling. Your sis is right, you are NOT the one who did all those bad things, she is no indicator that you are at risk of being like her. In case it helps, I didn't have any negative feelings about my baby during pregnancy, but that doesn't mean the baby was born and I was instantly in LOVE with him either. It's not uncommon that the first feeling someone has (even someone who has worked hard to get pregnant) once the baby is born is to feel kind of indifferent. And this is me, someone who really, really wanted a baby. So don't chide yourself over not feeling the way you think you are "supposed" to feel. We all process upcoming changes in our lives differently. You are facing a big question mark over the future, i.e., the impact a child will have, and it is making things scary. You are doing fine in the face of all the pressures you have. Keep talking to your mom and sis, and keep your chin up -- you have options at every stage, including if the child is born and you find you still feel like this. Good luck. (((HUGS))) Annie
Hi...You're not alone in feeling this way. When I was pregnant with DD, people would ask me "oh, you must be excited!" and I would just nod and smile. I wish I could tell them "not really...I'm indifferent to it". I must admit one thing though....Now, I love her to death. She's the best thing that's happened to me and I'm so glad I have her. I had a terrible day today (my apartment got flooded, my car insurance is giving me problems) and she looked and me and smiled and I couldn't help but smile back to her and I whispered in her ear "Thank G-d I have you". I might sound touchy feely right now but this is very true. You must give yourself time to adjust to the changes you're going through. Moving, having the baby are all life changing events. If you feel that you need professional help and take meds for your depression, then get the help you need. Just the fact that you're acknoledging all this shows that you'll be a caring mother. All the best to you.
You're an idiot. I was waiting for your post on this thread and sure enough, you had something negative to say to someone who needs positive reinforcement. Your post did not surprise me at all. Tsk Tsk.
lostlillygirl - you're torn between not wanting to be a a mother, and still wanting to be superior to your sister who didn't want to be a mother.
God grant you the serenity to give this baby to someone who actually wants to be a mother, and prayers that you feel peace with that decision. No baby should have to be raised by a mother who doesn't want it, but just wants to feel that she is a better person than her sister.
Thank goodness your family is supporting you in giving your baby to a loving family.
I know you live in the next province to me, please contact that iwkgrace and they will help you find a counsellor. I know they will give you emergancy status as it sounds like you are in a crises. They should be able to get you into a counsellor immediately.
Maybe this is depression or maybe you are truly not ready to be a mummy. Only you can figure this out. Your sister lost her babies as she didn't care for them adequately. You have taken great care of your unborn child in a very trying time in your life. You are not your sister and you need to put her entirely out of your mind as you make these decisions.
Talk to a counsellor, I really am afraid you are depressed and need intervention. Even your ob can give you guidance.
If you truly feel this is not the time to be a mom, you can hand pick the family who would adopt your child. You do not need to blindly turn the baby over to Social Services. I know this to be the case as I have worked closely with singles girls who placed their babies for adoption. I saw it as an incredibly selfless act. I was very moved by these brave young woman. And I have had the opportunity to follow the lives of some of the adopted kids. They are blessed and are a blessing to their families.
However, you must make this choice for you, yoru bf and yoru baby.
I wish you well, and I hope you feel better soonl.
NataliesMommy - thanks.. i didn't read RR's post until later and i chose to ignore her opinion... she's entitled to have it... i'm entitled to ignore it lol
to everyone else...
It is now Monday and i feel alot better. i think the stress of school and keeping this doubt and the guilt was what was killing me. Now i really feel like i have an option without my family disowning me. and that i'm not alone... and that it's probably the stress and hormones.
I guess to add the this post i should say that i"m in school graduating in 3 weeks. from a course that has a 50 - 75% failure rate. i had to move 1 1/2 hours from home. I have no friends or support here threw the week. I was sad and lonely before the baby hormones came :)
Thankfully, even with being pregnant, I am graduating soon. i move home in 3 weeks to my amazing bf and all my friends and family. I think with more time home and time to relax from school. I'll know and feel more... I'm going to mention this all to my doctor. but we already had a heads up from teh school stress that this was going to be really hard on me :)
thank you all again.. i'm still here and feeling more at peace with my guilt. :)
Im sorry, I just cannot believe (or understand?) what that feeling would be like......I guess I just want to carry my so longed for baby so bad........that I just can't 'stuff' this into my brain.
The only thing I have to say here is, I hope that little baby you are carrying has a true mother at the end that cares for him, loves him and raises him the proper way, whether is you (and you develop all the love for your kid eventually) or some one else (thru adoption).
Please seek counseling.....I believe that's your obligation just for carrying that baby in your belly.......to solve this problem. I wish you the best and may your heart be fullfilled with ALL the love and your head with all the light.
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