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My friend's boyfirend doesn't want their baby, she doesn'...
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My friend's boyfirend doesn't want their baby, she doesn't know what to do

Ok, I am preggers and found out that my friend is too.  I was very happy; however, she is a little sad.  Her and her boyfriend weren't trying to have a baby, but it happen.  Now he has told her to leave in three months if she decides to keep the baby, which she has decided to do.  He also said if she had an abortion, he would stay with her and give her 3000.  I think he is an a--hole.  She has no where to go but home to her parents which is a very small house.  I don't know what to say to her.  He said if she made the choice to have the baby, it is his choice not to be around.  I feel so bad.
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Avatar_n_tn
Well, he made the choice to have unprotected sex with her, so now his choice goes out the window.

I hope they can work it out as reasonable adults, for the child's sake.
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142722_tn?1281537216
I know the guy, he is very odd anyway.  I told her to go home even if space is a little tight, at least there she is loved and they already know about the baby and are happy about it.
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162331_tn?1390022267
Errrrrr!  Shame on him!  He is thinking of one person in this scenario...Himself!  That should show her where she really rates in this relationship.  I would keep the baby and tell him so long.  He can dismiss himself from her life but he cannot get dismissed from child support.  So whether he wants to or not he will support this child someway and it will cost him more than $3000.  There are plenty of programs out there to support the single mom.  I know a situation right now just like this.  The girl kept the baby, the boyfriend is out of the picture.  She is about to deliver, so she can no longer do her job.  She is getting help with wic and help from welfare dept with insurance and a little $$.  Not much, but enough to keep her while she is going through this.  She qualified for a gov. subsidy apt.  Rent is based on income so is only costing her about $30 month.  She did not want to move back home or be dependent on someone who thought she should kill her baby like the boyfriend.  Once the baby is born there are programs to pay for her to go back to college and help with childcare.  Your friend can make it.  It may be hard for a few years but with great people like you to help support her emotionally it will all come together for her for making the right decision.  

On another note...I know this is not popular advice.  But if you don't have a guy that can commit to saying "I Do" to you and commit to sharing the rest of his life with you then don't give in to him sexually.  If the relationship had been committed for a lifetime with eachother we probly wouldn't be having this dicussion.  I'm a little older and wiser and have seen this often.
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168006_tn?1241016561
I think your friend needs to have the baby and go home to her parents.  It doesn't sound like this guy loves her at all.  If he did, he would step up to the plate and do the right thing.  Few people have babies in perfect situations, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't in God's perfect timing.  Her parents will help her make things work, and she can look for someone who will love her and her baby.
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126762_tn?1325265405
wow - I really feel for your friend. I hope she isn't even considering giving up the baby. This guy needs to take a hike! He obviously does not care about her at all and it's good that she found this out now. Even if her families home is tight, at least she will be cared for. She needs to get out of this relationship now. I would think that this would be considered emotional abuse on his part. It's too bad - because the one that will suffer the most is the child. I hope things work out for her. It just irks me that some guys are like that, when others would give anything to have a child of their own. I wish your friend all the luck in the world!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree.  Who wants someone around who so obviously doesn't want to be.  

It certainly will be tough for a while, but she can do it with friends and family supporting her.  

Oh, and by the way, she can make him pay child support (and probably prenatal support).  Get a good lawyer and have her lock it up before the baby is even born.  He has responsibilities -- he doesn't have a choice.

Good luck to her and to you!
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162331_tn?1390022267
Good for you, sounds like you made it through a difficult time and are doing well.  It is a struggle but well worth it.  You will be able to advise your friend and be there for her.  Hopefully her family will help her too.  A baby is never a mistake.  As you know there is nothing like holding your own child in your arms.  That baby will never reject her like the BF did. She can make it.  If all turns out that she simply doesn't think she can do it than tell her there are many families that are unable to conceive and would give a good home for her baby.  But once she feels that baby kick and the closer to delivery she gets, she will know and think this baby is a miracle created just for her.
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151668_tn?1239924705
I agree with everyone else...she should keep the baby, because it doesn't matter what the guy wants. If he cared enough about NOT wanting a baby, he would have used protection, or better yet, kept his weanie in his britches. He will have to take responsibility for his actions and pay child support, whether he has anything to do with the raising or not.

As for the welfare thing, I too, have a friend who has had a child and was able to make it on her own. I normally don't believe in the big welfare thing, but I don't think innocent children should suffer from mistakes the parents made...I just get tired of seeing people make the same mistake over and over, who end up LIVING off of welfare.
As for the college thing, she was able to go to college, too, for free...again, I think support should be available to a certain degree...but I couldn't help it that I didn't have any children, and therefore had to struggle to pay my tuition each month...so I sorta think that getting a complete free ride is a little ridiculous. It almost seems that having a baby and staying single is a REWARD.
This is just my opinion...but I had to get that off my chest, too.
As for the guy...total loser! I would dump him and move on.
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159354_tn?1286371288
After the thread I read and joined below about all the help our lovely "DH" or "BF" are with the baby...kick him to the curb.

He won't be missed much...that baby is GOD's greatest blessing and besides she's got you.

Friends and family matter....My sister raised a daughter alone and so did my brother raise his son alone.

Yes - that's right my brother...most people don't believe it but my nephew's mother bolted at 6 months old....she comes and goes in and out of his life...has 4 other kids...one older than him and three younger...all are with her .....uggh.

Single people can do it...it's not God's perfect choice but the baby is HIS gift...cherish our children always.
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Avatar_n_tn
That is so sad. i had a friend who went through almost the same thing. She neded up having a abortion and then he left anyway. Well they got back together and she got pregnant again. Well she had the second one and of course he left but now she is married to the most wonderful man who adores her son and they have hadd 2 more.  Tell her keep her head up and there is something much better out there for her.
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142722_tn?1281537216
I have been there myself, as I told her.  I have raised a child on my own.  Been through the wic and everything, even went to college and didn't pay a penny.  I have a great daughter who is 11, but her daddy is a dead beat who doesn' like to work, but the judge puts his A-- is jail when he don't pay.  I only get $346 a month and asking for an increase, so I told her I could help her figure it out.  I told her to either go home right now or stay with him for a couple of months and find a place to stay.  I feel so bad.
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Avatar_n_tn
forgive me if this is none of my business, but didn't you say you gave up a baby when you were 16? or, did you change your mind. i was just wondering why you gave up one at 16, but kept 1 at 17. maybe i'm confusing you with someone else. if so, i'm sorry.
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142722_tn?1281537216
I agree with you to a point on the college thing, but the point of the grants is to help mothers get a job so that they don't have to depend on state and federal aid.  I went to college for free and got a job and used aid until I made to much money.  The system worked for me, but I do agree with you maybe they should have some help for people who aren't single parents.  They do have grants for people without children as well.  I am a big person on the grants
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142722_tn?1281537216
It does sound a little like the system pays people to be single parents and I am sure they are people out there that have babies for that reason,  I was one that didn't and needed it.  Thank God that I had aid or I would have been out on the street.
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151668_tn?1239924705
Yes, I agree that aid can be helpful to those who truly need it...but like you said, there ARE the bad apples who deliberately scam the government by having 3 or 4 illegitimate children, and deliberately NEVER get married...but still live with their partner. And those are the ones who burn me another a--hole! :-) What's worse is that they also usually drive better cars than I could EVER afford
My friend was able to get on her feet, and has a better job, too. So I have definitely seen the system work...
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142722_tn?1281537216
That's what I don't get, why would anyone have babies to get aid - makes no sense.  It's not like the governments gives a lot.  Maybe they do it not to work crazy right makes me mad too
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162331_tn?1390022267
I still say good for you!  When it comes between choosing to get help or ending a pregnancy you did what is right.  You do what you got to do to make a living for yourself and baby.  I was lucky to have a wonderful husband with a good job.  I never had to depend upon an grants, but if I had to then I would of.  I'm not talking about people who make a living off the system.  The system is suppose to help you until you can make a living for yourself.  When you are young, alone, and pregnant...it has to be scary.  You do what you have to, to survive.  I say hurray for you because it worked and is working for others.  It is far from being easy.  I know another lady who has a child that is now about 14 years old.  When she had her baby she got help and went to college.  She is now a head nurse at a big hospital and giving plenty back to the system.

Good luck to your friend and a big pat on the back for you.
Blessings!
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142722_tn?1281537216
I was 17 when I had my daughter.  He daddy was around but useless because he didn't have a job, funny he still doesn't.  He has a girlfirend that supports him - what a loser and my daughter, who had her birthday the 29 of oct. didn't get anything from him.  She is to the point now that she told me she doesn't care, but does express how it hurts her.  She never see him.  He comes by to drop child support of and stays about 10min and leaves.

My friends boyfriend acts like his life is over.  He is a butthole.
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Avatar_n_tn
No so called man is worth giving your baby up for, like he thinks he can just buy her out of it, I doubt the 3000 will ever make her happy (wouldn't that be blood money), I mean what could u go buy & be happy w/knowing how u got the money. Thats Sick. Instead of a few mo I say she should be leaving at this very moment. Say she keeps the baby & tries to even stay, yuck knowing he was willing to pay her off!!! I hope she gets her precious baby out & goes back home where it might be a little tight but safe! I hope u can talk to her more & get her to see what a loser he is!!!

Men r just crazy to go have sex & then say ok I made your appt for the baby to be gone forever & afterwards we'll go shopping. He needs a good caning (sp) u know how they cane people in other countries out in the public for all to view!! I'd be willing to go to watch that!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
oh, i see and that would be hard, especially at such a young age. thanks for explaining- i was just confused.
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142722_tn?1281537216
No, I gave a child up four days before my 15 birthday.  I was raped when I was fourteen and gave my little boy for adoption.  I was unable to care for him and given how he came about, I'm not so sure I could have handled it.  Needless to say, it was very hard, even though how it happen, to give him up.  I cried for days, it was like a death - it wasn't his fault.  He was 5p13oz and 13 1/2" long - very.  He went to a good home and went to people who couldn't have children.  I became preggers again when I was 17 and had my little girl 20d before my 18th birthday.  They are three years apart.  He will be fourteen this month.  It is very hard for me on his birthday.  I love him no matter how he came about - I gave birth to him - gave him life.
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169256_tn?1189759432
SHE SHOULD HAVE THE BABY IF THAT'S WHAT SHE WANT'S. SHE CAN STAY WITH HER PARENTS FOR A WHILE. SHE COULD HAVE MEDICAID TO PAY FOR THE DOCTORS BILL. THERE ARE PROGRAMS THAT HELP PEOPLE WITH LOW INCOME GET A PLACE OF THEIR OWN BASED ON THEIR INCOME. ALSO, I BELIEVE THE MEDICAID WILL PAY FOR CHILDCARE AS LONG AS SHE'S WORKING. SHE DOESN'T NEED HIM AND IF HE REALLY LOVED HER HE'D STAND UP, BE  MAN AND HELP SUPPORT HIS NEW FAMILY. TELL HER THAT SHE CAN DO IT WITHOUT THAT JERK, IT'LL BE HARD FOR A WHILE BUT IT WILL GET BETTER!!
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Avatar_f_tn
That makes me really sad for your friend ... I didn't have time to read through all of the posts, but in the event that no one has pointed it out yet, a lot of states have automatic statutes whereby the men are OBLIGATED to pay child support retroactive from the child's birth merely by the mother filing with the juvenile court.

As hard as it will be for your friend, she will NEVER be happy if he changes his mind and she stays with him. She will ALWAYS have animosity against him in the back of her mind because of his initial reaction/ultimatum. I really think she should move out (in with her parents if possible or someone else that can help her make it through this tough time).

Anyway, he made the CHOICE to have sex with her and therefore carries the OBLIGATION to pay for the child once born. Give her hugs for me ... I am sure she needs a ton of support right now. I cannot imagine what she must be feeling to have the man she loves treat her so horribly.

When is your due date? I forget how far along you are ... I just got my BFP after 15 mo of trying and should be due in mid-July. I am thinking I am about a month behind you ... is that right?
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