My sister n law is pregnant

This may be a wierd post.  My husband and I have been TTC for 2 years.  We lost a baby in February due to ectopic, and in early July due to blighted ovum.  In this time, my sister n law had their first baby and is pregnant again.  We actually were only 3 1/2 apart.  Now that i've lost my baby, I am terrified to be around her and the family.  Everyone is so happy with their perfect pregnancy and really doesn't even acknowledge our loss.  Knowing I was only a few weeks behind her, I also keep telling myself, "oh, i would've known our sex next week" because they just found theirs out last week.  I know I shouldn't compare, but I do feel angry and don't want to be a part of her pregnancy and the families happiness of her pregnancy.  Has anyone gone through something similiar?  Any advice would be appreciated.  I don't want to be rude and I don't wish them any harm, it's just really hard for me knowing I lost two and she's happily going on to her second.  And as I said, there really is no acknowledgement from anyone as to our pain and loss.  Only happy things seem to be acknowledged and unfortunately, I don't have anything to celebrate like everyone else.  Thanks for listening.

[hawki]

I'm so sorry for you loss...there is absolutely no question that this must be soooooo difficult for you.  Two friends of mine were pg as well.  The one only has one son, and ended up having a mc shortly followed by another mc.  THe other got pregnant and just delivered her third healthy baby boy.  The friend with the mc's has such a difficult time even talking about the baby with her and the one who had the baby hates the position she is in so tries not to talk about the baby at all.  I guess what I am trying to say is so many people are happy for her and it is hard not to think "that could be me right now" but you'll eat yourself up if you do that.  She probably feels horrible and awkward just like everyone else, and they all probably don't want to hurt you or make you sad by showing sympathy.  No normal human being could not feel sorry for you, and no one would ever wish something like that on their worst enemy.  And one day, when you do have that healthy baby, they will all be just as happy for you.  Again, I'm so sorry for how difficult this is, but try to remember there is a season for everything.  Soon your sorrow will turn to joy:)  And who knows, your next baby may not have happened if it weren't for the mc.  I wish you all the best!!!!

[toyml99]

MY SIL WAS 3 MONTHS BEHIND ME IN HER PREGNANCY WHEN SHE MISCARRIED AT 10 WEEKS.  WE ARE THE BEST OF FRIENDS AND I WAS SOOOO WORRIED IT WOULD RUIN OUR FRIENDSHIP.  IT WAS HARD GOING THRU THE M/C FOR ME WHEN SHE WENT THRU IT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR HER.  FOR SO LONG I HAD TO TRY MY HARDEST TO NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE BABY.  I WAS SO AFRAID SHE HATED ME FOR STILL BEING PREGGO.  ENDED UP WHAT HAS HELPED HER THRU IS MY PREGNANCY.  SHE IS ALL ABOUT MY BABY.  I AM DUE TOMORROW AND SHE PLANS ON BEING THERE WHEN I HAVE HER....NOT THAT IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TOMORROW BUT THAT WOULD BE NICE.  I AM NOT SURE IF SHE IS STILL ACTIVELY TRYING TO CONCEIVE BUT I THINK IT IS IN HER FUTURE.  SHE HAS EVEN JOKED THAT SHE IS TAKING THE BABY HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL.  I HOPE THIS GETS EASIER FOR YOU I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY STORY WITH YOU.  GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR SIL.

[emziebaby]

hi, im very sorry for your loss and i havnt experienced anything like this my self but my advise to you is this - maybe you should c som sort of counciler just to speak about your anger and upset and try to come to terms with everything that has happend and let it all come to a end even though it will b in ur heart forever. you do need to speak to someone or wright evrything dwn about how u feel cus if u dont im sure it will end in friction within your family, i know its hard but u do have to rerember it is gonna be a extremly happy time for ur sister inlaw and the family and its alot easier for them to b all happy than to think about the hurt uv bein through as they wont ever fully inderstand. i know its gonna b hard for you to be happy for your sister inlaw but put urself in her shoes , she probly feels very bad for you but has her own life to think about and cannot help having bein pregnant same time as u and so on. i feel for you, i really do but u do need someone to talk to as its gonna be hard for you to take ur life bak if ur full of anger,upset and hate.
god bless xxxxxxxxx

[newlywed05]

I understand how you feel completely. After I lost my little one, everyone around me was getting pg! I have a co-worker that is less than a week behind where I am supossed to be. She is due Aug 31st, I would have been due Aug 26th. Seeing her body change, and hearing her talk about the movement of the baby and the sex of the baby killed me. I cried more at work than I could even tell you. I have a girlfriend who concieved the week we lost our little one. She is now 22 weeks, has a belly, feels the baby move...all that fun stuff. Even though I am 13w 4d currently, it is still so difficult knowing I am not where I should be. It is very very upsetting. Luckily I have a very very supportive DH. Any time I get upset, he is there for me. He actually gets alittle upset too sometimes.

I hope your family isn't pushing your sil's pg on you. Has anyone had this experience happen to them in your fam? Mine hasn't. I know that it was wierd for them to deal with when it happened because no one really knew what to say. When someone hasn't been in the situation before, it is difficult for them too. I'm sure they don't want to upset you. Which is why they may be keeping their distance..??? Maybe?

[Elicam]

I found out I was pregnant in November 2005 and had a m/c in Jnauary. My sister in law got pregnant about a month after. 3 other friends got pregnant slightly after me. I get so Angry as 2 of these smoke and one even has the occasional drink, they do not watch what they eat and are always complaining. My due date was 5th August. My sister in law has just arrived, they have discovered they are having a boy and they are going to give him the name that we were going to give our baby. It is normal to feel the way you are feeling, especially as nobody even seems to remember that I was supposed to give birth soon and that I may be slightly upset about this.

I have just discovered that I am 5 weeks pregnant and we have decided not to tell anybody. I am so afraid incase something else may go wrong.

However, it is normal to feel the way you do. Goodluck with TTC, fingers crossed it will happen soon.

[Mikeal'smom]

I know exactly how you feel, I found out I was pg shortly after my sil did, we would have delived about a month apart but I lost my baby at just over 5wks and she is going on to have perfect pregancy.  Luckly with our schedules we don't see her often but when we do I try to ask how she is doing because I want her to know that I do still care about how she is doing.  Not one thing has been mentioned by any of my husbands side of the family about our 3 m/c.  I think that they figure because we have a ds that the other losses don't matter.  What makes it worse for me is that not only is my sil pregnant but so is 3 of our other friends.  I am insanely jelous of what they have and sometimes angry that they can have what it is I want, so the feelings you are having are completely normal so don't be too hard on yourself about your feelings.  Sometimes writing in a journal can help you release some of thoes pent up feelings, that's what I do and I always feel lighter (emotionally) after I have.  I want to wish you the best of luck, and I am always here to talk if you need it, it's nice when you have someone who is having the same experiance as you.  If for some reason you would like to stay in contact, let me know and I will give you my e-mail.

[mariea]

thanks for all your comments.  It helps to know some of my anger and thoughts at the world are normal.  I just wish I could be in that happy place my sil is and many others around me.  I feel like the ugly duckling so to speak and don't have much in common at this point in my life, nor am I too happy about anything.  Truly appreciate all the support and comforting words.

[sparky168]

It really sucks doesn't it!  I had a friend that got pregnant on basically the same day as me.  I lost mine at 8 weeks and hers is healthy.  She didn't take care of herself at all.  She was lifting heavy things and she even got run over by a horse.  I was so careful and I lost mine.  It figures.  It took me a while to get over it but eventuatlly you learn to be happy for them.  I figure someday it will be me and I will appreciate that baby a whole lot more because of the rocky road.

[Jenny77]

Just a note: I think its also important for us ladies who ahve m/c'd to remember how it felt for us to be around pregnant women after our m/c's. DH and I are very intentional about not talking about our pregnancy ( at least not more than necessary) in front of friends who have been ttc for years, or women that we know have gone through m/c lately. We have dear friends who ahve been ttc for 5 years right now and we have been very cautious about talking about the pregnancy. We still do things with them sometimes, they call and invite us over still, but we still don't talk much about our baby unless they bring it up. Like I said, I have other people who I can go to for support in my pregnancy.

[low22]

I'm with you.  This is a totally normal feeling.  My good friend and neighbor found out she was preg 5 days before I found out I was preg this last time.  We were so excited that we were going to be preg together, started planning, etc.  Well, I m/c on 7/15 and she's still preg.  I can't even hear about her cravings and stuff without feeling extra depressed and sorry for myself.  My mom asked me how my friend was feeling last night and that pissed me off!  It has been a little over a week -- why is she asking me about another woman's preg when I'm still mourning??    

I have another friend who called to tell me she got a BFP about a week after my first m/c.  She's now ten or eleven weeks and I'm not preg!!!  I can't even stand to be around her because I don't want to hear about it.  So, it's normal.  And Jenny77 is right, we are now a lot more sensitive to people's feelings.  I will never ask another woman about whether they want children, etc.

[Jenny77]

I went through a similar experience too. I had a m/c in June 2005 and 2 weeks later my SIL announced she was pregnant. No one else in my family had had a m/c so no one knew how to handle me crying all the time. Honestly, it was very very hard to be around my SIL, watch her tummy start to grow, hear she was having a girl, etc. I love my SIL so much and we are very good friends and saw each other about every weekend at my Mothers house.  It was all I could do to just ask how she was feeling etc, but I would at least do that and I think everyone knew I was choking back tears at the same time. People will know that you are still happy for your SIL, but that a m/c is hard to go through.For the first month or 2 my family was pretty good and wouldn't really talk about SIL pregnancy in front of me. We moved to another State in the end of July 2005 so that made it a little easier that I didn't have to watch her pregnancy the whole way through. I went back at Christmas (my due date would ahve been christmas eve) and it was like my family didn't acknowledge taht it was my due date or didn't think I should still be greiving. SIL was very big by Christmas and it was the hardest thing I've ever done to just get through that holiday. The thing that helped me the most is that I got pregnant again in Jan 2006 just before their baby was born, at least I feel like I have hope again.
My advice is: if you can't handle being around your SIL, don't force it too much, make your visits shorter if you need to, or visit a little less often for a while. Try to ask her about her pregnancy, even if its just how she is feeling today, but don't feel like you need to be fully involved. She has a lot of other people to give her the full support right now, remember that she is not depending on you. Also, if your family is not very supportive of you and your greiving process, find a support group or other women somewhere (church,e tc) who ahve gone through a m/c, this will probably help you much more than talking to your family if they have never gone through it.
I really feel for you. There will be a time that you look back and this will not be so intense and painful.

[Lilu]

Wow! I am in the same boat as you. My SIL found out she was pregnant when I had a m/c too. It really is difficult to handle the situation. Everytime they talk about the pregnancy it makes me think about the m/c. I really wish that they could at least talk to me about things. I just try to put on a happy face and be happy for her. That's all I can do.
Sorry about your m/c. I wish you all the best.

[AnnieBrooke]

There can be a difference between friends who have had a m/c and friends who are ttc.  A girlfriend of mine got pregs (with an IUD in!) when dh and I were ttc and not getting anywhere, and she was hesitant to ever be around me or talk about the pregnancy.  What she didn't realize is that I liked that she was pregnant -- it was a hopeful thing to me, as in, if she can do it, I can do it.  So ask your friends who you are avoiding if it is problematic to see you, you might be surprised to find that it is inspirational instead.  I would think someone who is grieving a miscarriage would not feel this way, but if you ae ttc, sometimes it gives you hope to know others are able to do it.

[Jenny77]

Sorry, I didn't say that we avoid our friends who are ttc. We are just a lot more careful than we are around some other people. I already wrote quite a bit so I didn't feel the need to go too in depth in the situation, but to clarify, I happen to know that the husband is very sensative about pregnancy, the wife is the one that is more "ok" with their friends who are pregnant. So we have pretty much kept our relationship with them the same as before, I am not saying to avoid them at all. But we are sensative to their feelings. I will talk to my friend about pregnancy, although I still kind of let her lead the conversation (as long as she still seems interested etc). But it is very noticeable that her husband has a harder time being around pregnant women and he asks us questions about it, but you can see in his eyes that it is a tough subject for him when he wants a baby so much too. SO I try to read each person and its not that hard to know if a person is ok with it and which people are more sensative.

[Tam9096]

Hello to everyone....My name is Tammy and I was just reading everyones post and wanted to say That I also lost My beautiful baby Boy (Connor) 2 days before I was suppose to have him...He was strangeled by his umbilacal cord...He was a healthy 8lbs 3oz and we buried him on Nov.6th 2005. My life has forever changed and not in a good way...I do have 2 other boys and they have helped me alot and my husband deals with it by not talking about it. The boys and I just went to his grave the other day and I hurt all over just knowing He is gone and I never herd him cry and I never got to say goodbye...since then my brother and his wife are pregnant and I just cannot talk to them about it..I am happy for them but not realy...I was very involved in their first baby,But this one I am not...I am angry and upset and filled with emotions I do not understand. This pregnany I had was perfect with no problems and it all ended so wrong and I don't know why...I have so many questions and no answers. Not to mention I also work with 3 girls that are pregnant and all they talk about is their baby and all the little kicks and ultrasounds...I cry almost every night on the way home...They did not know me when I was pregnant and none of them know about me and my baby Connor...I feel like they do not need to hear about it while they are pregnant and so excited. This is the first time i have worked in 17 years and of all things I develpoe film and I see alot of babies and deliveries.I try to smile but I am dieing inside...It seems like everyone around me is having a baby...And mine is buried in a grave. I can't hold him.I can't see him...I can't love him...I guess right now I am mad at the world............Tiny Hands..Little Feet....An Angels kiss upon his cheek.....There lies my baby forever asleep.......I feel all the pain with ya'll....this site has helped me to be able to talk about him....Thank-you all...

[lovebenson]

I got pregnant July 24th and found out Aug. 28th. My husband and I Were not "not trying," to get pregnant for 9 months then i took a test and it came out positive i was shocked b/c i was thinking we could never have kids. I started having bad cramps around the time i took a preg. test then i started spotting the doctor said everything could be normal, but we want u to come in for an ultrasound so i did and they told me that everything seemed fine. they wanted me to come in the next week for another I thought nothing of b/c this was my first pregnancy. at my second ultrasound i saw a flickering, but they never told me it was an actual heartbeat b/c they couldn't hear it ( i was about 6 weeks along). I had another ultrasound schedualed for the 30th of  september which was my husband and i's one year anniversary of being married. We were so excited that this could be the day that we actually hear the heartbeat and see that the baby has grown. At this time I was 8 wks 5 days along. We went in and found out that our baby had passed away. How devistating this was for us. I was a mess...curled in a ball crying on the medical bed as my husband was holding my hand. I wasn't expecting all of that for our first pregnancy. I was told to wait a week to see if i naturally misscarry. within a week i started to bleed. It was the longest week i'd ever had the pain was excruciating. I went in after a week of heavy bleeding and had an ultrasound i still hadn't pass our baby. That monday Oct. 20th I had a suction d&c to remove the rest of the tissue i couldn't pass. At this point i felt like my body couldn't do anything right. I blead for a couple days then spotting for a week and a half. Now I'm up and down. A girl at work found out she was pregnant the week of my d&c. I also just found out a few days ago my tiwn sister is 5 weeks pregnant. I know god only gives you things you can handle, but this has been the most confusing and difficult thing thus far i've had to endure. I want to be angry, but at the same time I know i can't be that way I am so happy for my twin and I know i'll love my neise or nephew very much. It is such a struggle. If anyone has an advise i would love it thanx.