My three year old will not listen.

     Hello, my wife and I are having trouble getting my 3 year old to listen to us at all.  He will not eat when we tell him to, he wont go to bed when we tell him to, he wont stop chasing our new dog and wont stop picking on his brother.  We have tried everything from time outs, taking away privileges and rewarding good behavior.  When we sit down and talk to him, he just shakes is head up & down and says OK in a whiny voice. He will be 4 in may and we are scared that this behavior may get him into lots of trouble when he starts school, not only that but his learning. We can't teach him much when we don't know how to get him to sit still and listen. Does anyone have any advice for us.

[tam2girls]

Have him see the doctor and if there is still nothing wrong then you may have a naughty child plain and simple. Children push the boundries at a very early age and if he has been allowed to get away with doing what he wants when he wants then of course he will not take no for a answer now.

If you want to go to the extreme then tell him he is being too naughty all the time and until he behaves you are taking all his things. Box it all up and take it away. He will cry and protest. Wait for him to get over the initial anger at you and then explain to him that if he behaves every day and does not do the things you don't like (even make a list of rules), he may pick one toy to have back. Explain that if he is bad that day you will not let him have a toy and will take one back off him. This is an extreme measure that is likely to cause a extreme emotional response but the simple fact is if he wants something he has to do what you want him to. He should be old enough to understand this and figure out that he can't always have something just because he wants it regardless of his behaviour.

In the big world we are expected to behave appropriately towards others and he needs to learn this sooner than later.

Good Luck

[tiredbuthappy]

Make sure there are immediate and logical consequences to his actions. You break it, you try to fix it. You spill it, you clean it. You hurt someone, you try to help them feel better. This helps build empathy and internal controls because the child sees the immediate and real impact of his behaviors. Time outs often become ineffective at this age. What's sitting for a few minutes? Even that becomes a power struggle, and it removes the child from the problem instead of teaching him that he is expected to help solve the problem. Sorry is not enough either. It's too easy.

Here's a simple example of how it can work. In my class, if you throw a block, you're out of the block area for the day. Believe it or not, that is more upsetting to the child and more effective than giving a time-out, even though everything else in the room is still an option. But I simply and firmly say to all the protests that it is my job to keep everyone safe and that he has shown me that he cannot be safe with blocks. Lay it out as a matter of fact that cannot be debated. But, to help them realize that they can work to solve problems or earn back trust, I do tell them that if htey show me that they can be safe in other areas of the room, I may let him try the blocks again. This gives him an opportunity to do the right thing. By the way, if that block had hurt someone, the child MUST help the victim feel better before going somewhere else. There is no time-out, there is no going anywhere until it's taken care of. If the thrown block knocked something down, the child must first help rebuild it. If you hit a stale mate where the child refuses to correct situation, you can offer that he takes a break before solving the problem. "You need to solve this problem first. If you are too upset and not ready, you can take a break in this seat until you feel you are ready. But you are NOT playing until you help me solve this problem you created"

believe it or not, this method is quite effective with most children. You are acknowledging that they had feelings in the situation. You are empowering them and teaching them that we make mistakes, but we must work to try to fix it. It teaches empathy (which helps prevent future problems) by not removing the child from the situation.

As for not eating- either sit and eat or don't. But no snacks. Save dinner in case the child wants to return later. If it's something you KNOW the child doesn't like, then offer a healthy alternative, but don't turn into a short order cook. The child will not starve himself, and as long as he has no health or weight issues, don't fight it too much.

Also, be sure to give him plenty of constructive ways to use his energy. The winter months are hard. Try to get out as much as possible. If you're stuck inside, do some dancing. Give sensory activities like playdough. When there's snow outside, I like to bring some in in a bin and place it on the floor on a towel. Give some shovels and pails and watch him go to town. Children at this age do need some guidance and some kids aren't as good at engaging themselves.

[AnnieBrooke]

My thought is that he sounds like he isn't getting enough exercise, so he's bored, and he acts out just to get some kind of reaction.  Try a really big exercise push, as much running and jumping and stuff as you can give him.  I know it's hard to do this when you have other demands on your time, but the alternative is what you're seeing.  Unfortunately, it gets labelled brattiness or naughtiness, when it's really just the body craving activity.