Need advice on teaching DD falling asleep on her own

Hello, everyone.  DD is almost 4 months and she still can't fall asleep on her own.  She used to fall asleep on my breast only and I would transfer her to the crib once she's asleep keeping my fingers crossed she doesn't wake up.  Now, she's gotten used to falling asleep with us in our bed and I have to wait at least 1 hour or so for her to fall asleep deep enough so that she doesn't wake up when I move her to the crib.  I sleep very lightly when she's in our bed worrying so I don't really get to sleep until 1 am.  DD has been diagnosed with reflux and she's on meds for it so she can't really be put in her crib right after she was fed.  We really need advice on her to train her b/c I'm afraid the longer we keep doing it, the harder it'll be to break the habit.  Thank you all for your responses.

[amy524]

What is the reasoning for not being able to put her down right after feeding?  I can't remember what med. she is on...sorry...Is it because she needs to be elevated?  My suggestion for that would be to elevate her crib mattress a little.  

We did the cry it out method for my DD.  I know it's highly controversial but we were lucky to only have one reallllllly bad night and after she cried herself to sleep that first night...she's gone to sleep on her own ever since.  It worked great for us!  However, don't attempt cry it out unless you are 100% positive that she's not in pain anymore.  

If I think of anything else...I'll add more later.  It's late and my brain is shutting down.  :)

Amy

[Me2mommy2b]

Hi, Amy.  She's on Prevacid solutabs.  We can't put her down right away b/c she spits up and it's a huge mess (gets on her hair, sheets, etc).  Plus I can see that she tries to swallow as if it's coming up.  That's the problem.  I can't tell if she's not in pain anymore.  Don't know how long to wait before trying the cry it out method.

[aridza]

We also did the cry it out method, it worked great.
4 months is still very young, we did it when my DD was almost 8mo old and until then she would fall asleep at my breast.
maybe you can try to put her in her bed with a pillow under the mattress so she is elevated and won't spit up so much.
If you decide to let her cry it out, I recommend to do it before she is old enough to really move around and stand up in her crib because it will make it much more dramatic for all of you and when they first start getting up, they don't always know how to lay back down so they get kind of stuck standing up.

[girlybuff]

I am certainly no expert and this is only my OPINION but I want to quote from the book (backed by Dr. Sears) called "The No-Cry Sleep Solution":

"He awakes in a mindless terror of the silence, the motionless. He screams. He is afire from head to foot, with want, with desire, with intolerable impatience. He gasps for breath and screams until his head if filled and throbbing with the sound. He screams until his chest aches, his throat is sore. He can bear the pain no more and his sobs weaken and subside. He listens. He opens and closes his fists. He rolls his head from side to side. NOTHING HELPS. It is unbearable. He begins to cry again, but it is too much for his strained throat; he soon stops. He waves his hands and kicks his feet. He stops, able to suffer, unable to think, unable to hope. He listens. He falls asleep again."

Babies (infants especially) have one way of communicating that they need you, and that is to cry. If we don't go to them when they need us, we are only teaching them that they can't count on us at an early age and that stays with them forever. They do not have the thought process that we have. They have an overwhelming need throughout their whole body to have comfort and our job as parents is to give them that comfort. I know how much my head hurts after a hard cry so I cannot imagine how it feels for an infant.
A good night's sleep isn't worth it to me to put my child through this because I can't figure out a better way to get her to sleep through the night. There HAS to be a better way.
Of course I am not talking about whimpers or small cries but the long drawn out cries.  This book explains many ways of getting baby adjusted to their new space without resprting to this.
Again, I know this will probably cause a lot of controversy, and I want to say once more it is only my opinion and I mean no disrespect BUT I couldn't do it to my 5 month old and I don't plan on ever doing it.  
Good luck with whatever you decide.....

[jifnif]

thanks sooo much.  i just called dh and told him how bad i felt about letting him cry it out and he said we dont have to do that if it makes me feel that bad...the worst is that when ds did wake up he had a huge smile on his face..making me feel even more terrible....

[girlybuff]

It's NOT easy by any means but crying it out, in my humble opinion, is no good for anyone.  They look for their needs to be met.  It's not like the baby's thought process it "oh well this crying thing isn't working"
They are too young.  All it teaches them in my opinion is "when I try to communicate, no one comes".  
To me it seems like life is hard enough and they will learn that eventually.  Why make them learn it now when all they have is their parents and the only way they can understand love it through touching and sounds.
I have to be careful on this site not to sound like I know it all or like I'm preaching so again I say this is just my opinion based on my experience with my own DD and what I've read.  Try and get that book or go to the Dr. Sears website.
There is a lot of evidence that says the crying it out method doesn't work and causes underlying psychological issues later on however minimal.
I mean, if it's breaking your heart and the baby is still crying, how much is it really working anyway??
Good luck!!

[jifnif]

i really like that site..it gives a lot of good information and i know i should have just went w/ my gut and go to him when he needs me...its hard when so many people are telling you to "let them cry it out".....that is not the way i want it to be...thanks again..

[Crritter]

My pediatrician told us that the first 6 months you are building a trust relationship with your baby.  They are too young to comfort themselves and need to know that you will be there when they need you.  Around 6 months though they are getting to the point where they can calm themselves down.  After that you can try the cry it out method, which does work, but it's really hard for a few nights.  Good luck with your little one, you're not alone on this.

[jifnif]

I am having trouble too...it is gettin ridiculous though...sometimes i can lay him down at 8 and he sleeps til 3am...other times i lay him down at 8 and he wakes up every 2hrs...and i have let him cry because dh says we have to...i cant take it and we even let him cry up to 40minutes....that was enough and now i dont ever want to let him do that again but at 5mths none of us are sleeping...not even my ds...unless he is in bed w/ us.  Is he scared???  My husband thinks he is being spoiled...i think he just needs some extra security...we are so confused and i just wanta do right for my ds.  i feel your pain...what do we do???

[girlybuff]

This website from Dr. Sears gives you lots of advice.  

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070300.asp

And, I highly recommend the book The No Cry Colution for fun and interesting reading.
My DD slept with me up until 2 weeks ago because I nursed and I found that to be the ONLY way anyone in the house could get any sleep at all.  It involved MANY sleepless nights for me and my DH during the transition.  She still wakes up sometimes and wants comfort or to be fed but more often than not she sleeps a good 7 hours at least and I don't let her cry it out.  
I try not to pick her up when I'm comforting her so she knows bed time is bed time and I try and make sure she has a routine EVERY night this way she associates certain things (bath time, story time, low lights, soft talking and a rocking chair) with bedtime and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I also pray a lot!!
I think the important thing to remember is that babies are all different and what works for one baby might not work for another and also that they are very unpredictable so what works one night might not work the next.
Keep trying.........Good luck!

[girlybuff]

PS.. 5 months is still an infant and there is no way you can spoil an infant.  They don't understand what we understand and just because a million people tell you that your 5 month old SHOULD be sleeping all night doesn't mean that's true for your child.
My DD is 5 months and she still has set backs.

[girlybuff]

Just remember that you are the mother.  Let them know that advice is appreciated but that ultimately it's your decision.
Yeah that site is fabulous!!

[Me2mommy2b]

Hi, THank you for the website, i'll def check it out.  Just wanted to let you know that my sister had the same problem.  She would not let her daughter cry at all (she naturally fell bad letting her daughter scream her lungs out).  She continued letting her fall asleep with them in their bed until she was a year old.  They had to break the habit sooner or later and it was terrible!! It took them almost a week to train her and she still has hard time at times falling asleep on her own.  While I don't believe in torturing the children, I also don't want it to get to the point where it becomes unbearable.  I was more looking into something like weaning or training them little by little doing it by themselves.  Also, all of the siblings (3 all together in my family) grew up that way (cry it out) as mothers at those times didn't know any better.  Can't say that we are not well adjusted adults.  We all have families, carrers, friends and love our parents.  Sometimes I think that bringing up children is much more complicated nowadays than it used to be b/c there are way too many "no-no"s and "studies".  I mean, I'm glad I live in the day and age where more info is available but sometimes I feel that it's too much.  After all, women have been bringing children up for ages and humans still exist so they must have been doing something right all these years.  Anyway, now that I've vented (not the whole post is addressed to you so don't take it personally, just the first part where I'm thanking you for the web address), I wanted to add that I also don't believe in crying it out method but I do strongly believe that there should be something to let the child know who's the boss otherwise, they may start controlling you and yes, they do know it early on in life.  I think they understand more than we think they do at this age.

[have 2 kids]

My son was very ill when he was first born but when he became older
around 4 months this worked for us.   We kept bedtime very routine.  Bath, bottle, crib.  If he woke up during the night we took care of his needs but did it without talking, cuddling etc, we used very minimal lighting in the room.  It didn't take long at all and he would go right back to sleep.  In the morning we would cuddle and talk to him.

[girlybuff]

I totally agree.  Parents should be the boss.  I just can't stand to see my DD suffer at all especially that young when they really are relying totally on their instincts and haven't yet learn to manipulate.  I might pay for it later but I tend to think that she'll grow up in an envirnment she knows to be safe.