Need advice what to tell daughter

[nalla]

For those of you that didn't read my post on the womans forum last week, I will give you the short story. Last week my best friend of 12 yrs just came out and told me she didn't want anything to do w/ me because I don't believe the same things she does. She is really into this book called the Secret, but she is more into the magic part of positive thinking, and my "negitive thinking" (I see it as relistic thinking) will cause bad things to happen to her. It's a long story. Well her and my oldest (10 yrs) are very close. They have been sinse she was born. They talk on the phone, write letters, I let her email her on my email.And she is, or was, their God mother. She refuses now. Well my "friend" is going to be coming here in July to visit her family and has promised my daughter that she would set aside a special day to be together. My daughter has been talking a lot about it lately and is really excited. I really don't think the plans are still on. I don't know how to tell my daughter that she will never see or talk to my friend again. She is going to be crushed! It breaks my heard because my daughter loves her so much. They are so close. Does anybody have any idea's of what I can say to her?

[babyprayers]

ok first of all.. I also read this book the secret.. and If your friend is blowing you off then she is way off base on her thinking.. I dont know you nor your friend, so it is hard to understand all this. I read your post and thought I have got to see what this book is all about.. have you read it??? instead of your friend blowing you off. she should be thinking positive thoughts on how to enhance your friendship.. as far as your daughter goes, I would call your friend and tell her I want to know whats going on, are you still going to see my daughter when you visit, if she cannot be bothered then just let her go and consider it over.. anyone who would not follow thru and hurt a childs feelings is not worth the time. your childs feelings come first and foremost, tell her this, and tell her you dont want your child to be hurt.. what do you have to lose?

[kellym]

I just want to put my 2cents in.  I ALWAYS get myself worked up for things that aren't going to happen for a couple of months. Usually they don't pan out and I look like a ding bat. (for instance in-laws threatening to move down) I always worked myself up and things would blow over in a couple om months so now my thinking is just relax and wait and keep my big mough shut!!  For you, maybe you should wait until mid June because your friends thinking may have subsided about your negativity :) Maybe something else is going on in her life that has nothing to do with you and you just end up being the target? I hope this is all and that she does not blow your daughters visit off. If she does blow her off I don't know if I would shelter her from the truth or simple as your daughter to ask your friend why...
I hope that made sense. Good Luck!

[nalla]

Yes, I read the book. For the most part there wasn't anything wrong with the book. I'm all for positive thinking. My friend believes that she is now magic with her positive thinking and that she is god like in human form and eventually her and everybody else that follows will create a utopia in the world. That is why they need to get rid of anybody "negitive" in their lives. They don't belive in sickness, or really anything bad, anything negitive in this world. She believes she can prevent any and every negitive thing from coming into her life.

And I have tried to call her to ask about my daughter, but she won't answer her phone, reply to me emails. She refuses to have any contact with me because she is afraid that my negitivity will cause something bad to happen to her.
My daughter is going to start to wonder what is going on very soon because my friend hasn't returned her call, and email. And she has always gotten back to my daughter right away.
I don't want to shelter her from the truth, I won't lie to her, I just need some advice what is the best way to go about telling her. Maybe there really isn't a good way to tell her, cause either way she is going to be sad.

[newbie2b]

That really sucks! Sorry, But if I were you I would be very upset. Not so much about our friendship (two adults) but for the fact that she is  hurting these kids for no good reason? I mean unless your like a weirdo swinger mom who does drugs ect (which I'm certain your not) then what would be a good reason to cut off a friendship like that?  Is there a way you can call her and tell her that you accept (not understand) how she feels but, dont want to disappoint the children, and want them to see each other regardless?  I remember how it was to be a child and to look forward to something, then see it not happen. It's such a disappointment and it really hurts (at that age).

[nalla]

I forgot to mention that I'm pretty sure that the plans are off because my friend told me that she will never come around my son again because of all his negitive energy from having spina bifida. (she thinks my negitive thoughts gave him SB and that my postive thoughts can heal him)
And I put my negitive energy into my kids, and then anybody that is around my kids will get that negitivity also.

Just so everybody knows, I am not a negitive person!! I don't focus on negitive things. If I did that then there is no way I would have gotten through the first year with my son!
I just belive that the world isn't perfect and that bad things do happen to people. But I don't focus on that, I just accept that sometimes it does happen.

[babyprayers]

Im sorry you are going thru this.. almost seems like she is brainwashed, which is stupid because that book does not portray that at all. anyway about your daughter, I have a 9 year old DD and I find the best way to go about it is to be honest with her.. Kids are smarter these days and they can understand certain concepts. I know how you feel though, you dont ever want your child to feel pain, I was the same way.. and I learned the hard way its even tougher on them when they do find out the truth, so try talking to her in little spurts. maybe like one day saying .. I am not sure if so and so is going to be seeing you this summer, or so and so doesnt email anymore because... and explain why to her.. I dont know.. never mind I am rambling here,... trying to come up with some thing for you to tell her.. and I cannot seem to find the right words.. again I am sorry it is this way.. and I hope all works out for you, If I think of anything that is even remotely worth telling your daughter :) I will be sure to get back to you and let you know. otherwise.. just take bits and pieces of everyones advice and run with it.....

[*heartagram*]

I agree with the other ladies but I gotta say, she is blowig you off for you book? Not just you even, 12 years of friendship and others feelings (your daughters) are at stake as well.

I dunno, if someone did that to me I'd be thinking they were never a true friend to begin with.

I'm sorry this has happened and hope you guys figure this all out.

[tmv]

Nalla, small minds are easily manipulated. Maybe it is a good thing that she has left-thinking positive. As for advice about your daughter, here's what I'd do. You don't have to do this, just a comment. I have very good communications with my kids. I swear that they know what is going on without me telling them. Maybe it's written all over my face or something. Anyhow, I have a sister that is bipolar and won't take her meds. She has shielded her 2 kids from any type of contact with her family(me) because she thinks they are bad and hate her. We've done everything but physically hold her down and give her meds to her, not that we would. But, you get the point. Her son and my son are very close. It wasn't easy. I talked to both of my kids superficially about her and how some people with different ideas and illnesses think. They admitted that they have even seen some of the signs theirselves. Ages 6 and 9 at the time! They truly understood. I didn't let my personal feeling of wanting to say bad things take over. We're a christian family and I encouraged them to pray for all of them.  Things do work out because now her ex has custody and even though we now live out of state, our sons talk almost daily and both spent spring break together. This is just the tip of the ice-berg, but kids are brighter than we give them credit for. Maybe in time, your friend will turn around. It sounds like she has some issues to deal with. Take care, tmv

[peekawho]

I wouldn't let my daughter anywhere near your former friend unsupervised.  She is delusional.  

[newbie2b]

What?! She thinks its your fault that your son has spinal bifida? And that he's negitive? Did I read that right? Omg, please, stay as far away from that person as possible.  Talk about negative thinking?  That's terrible to think that of a person.  If you ask me, you and your family are much better off.  I'm sorry for your daughters loss of a friend but, it seems that the negitivity is on her end, not yours.

[over40club]

I agree with the others...this woman is a nut job and SHE is the neg. energy toward YOUR son...where does she get off saying he is neg energy because he has spinal b.....i agree she has serious problems and I wouldn't let my kids around her....sounds like she is forming some weirdo cult to me....she needs help! That is my two cents worth anyway

[mommy2aj]

i agree w/the others. cut your ties now and try to explain to your daughter. in the long run though she would cause more harm. she could give your son a complex or persuade your daughter into her way of thinking. it may be a blessing in disguise that she cut her ties w/you and your kids!!

[nalla]

I agree with all of you. It seems like she has joined some sort of cult or something. I'm not interested in continuing the friendship with her, she has been more than hurtful.
I'm just not looking forward to telling my daughter. I feel really bad that she is going to be heartbroken. I guess there really isn't an easy way to tell her.
Thanks everybody for your comments.

[kellym]

Maybe it would be best to explain it as being a sickness of some sort??? Maybe this would be easier for your dd to understand instead of all the hoopla of positive/negativity? She is possibly not herself and not making rational decisions and that someday you/&/she could explain it better.
good luck again,

[myproblem]

Sorry, but I think your friend has gone off the deep end. I don't even think it would be a good idea for your daughter to be around her. What if she tries to "indoctrinate" your daughter, or says really bad, wierd stuff about you and your son to her? Try telling your daught that your friend is having some personal problems right now, and that she won't be able to see her. It is better to tell her now, than let her get all excited, and then be let down. Tell her that if things get better for your friend, that she can see her some other time. Send your "friend" a message saying that your daughter won't be going out with her.

[vsentz]

WWWHOOOOAAAAA!!! i am sorry nalla, but this is one PSYCHO of a woman!!!!
i would be so glad this happened now and not later under other circumstances and that you are able now to see what kind of coo coo she is! i agree with the posters that say 'i would not let my kid around this crazy a$$ lunatic'.

Talk to your kid with sincerity. Tell her that she might not see her again. She might cry....she might take it rough....but she's a girl with lots of love around her other than that psycho....so, i am positive she will get over it in no time. Try to find a distraction for her. Something she really has been beging for and you haven't done/got for her.....maybe that'll help her focus in something else than that 'lady'.....

[keeba]

WELL IF YOUR FRIEND CANT SEE PAST THE DIFFERENCE YOU TWO HAVE THEN SHE IN NOT A GROWN WOMAN. I DONT THINK SHE SHOULD PUNISH YOUR DAUGHTER FOR WHATEVER GOING ON, AND YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR DAUGHTER RIGHT AWAY BEACAUSE T THINK IT WOULD BE EASIER.

[myproblem]

I thought of one more thing.....
When I was a little kid, my mom had a best friend who we loved very, very much. We even called her "aunt". My mom had been her roommate for years, and they has travelled all over the country together. They had been through their divorces together. She would come visit us, and take us places. I even took my first steps to  her as a baby. She would send us gifts, and postcards.

One day, my mom got a pretty card in the mail from her. She read it, and then threw it into the fire. We all asked my mom why she did it, and she wouldn't tell us. She just said they werem't friends anymore. She got rid of almost everything her friend had ever given her, and the stuff we insisted on keeping, like books, she tore out the page her friend had written notes to her on. We were sooooo sad. I was 8, and my oldest sister was 10. My mom did finally tell my sister the reason for the broken friendship, but I did not find out for years. Her friend had written to tell her she had become a lesbian. All the things my mom threw away were things that said "I love you", and stuff like that. It was very hard on us to lose this friendship, but my mom did what she felt was best to protect us from something we believe to be wrong. The only thing my mom should have done differently, was to not burn the letter, or destroy stuff from her friend in front of us. She should've just sat us down and explained that her friend couldn't see us anymore because she was having problems.