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OFF TOPIC - Why do ex's call when they know you are happy?
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OFF TOPIC - Why do ex's call when they know you are happy?

I am so pissed lately.  My Faince's ex GIRLFRIEND will NOT stop calling and texting him.  I know he is not responding to her because I can track his calls on our SunCom account online.  I just don't understand WHY some ex's do not just MOVE ON!!

It is not my Fiance's fault at all.  He cannot control what she does.  I have worried about this long enough!  At this point it is just ANNOYING to say the least.  

I have wasted enough time and energy on this pathetic woman.  

What can I do to keep my mind off of this?  I DO NOT want to become insecure.  I want to trust my Fiance and not have the urge to check up on him through our cellphone account online.  He has been honest with me, and shows me everytime she calls and texts him.

Maybe I should go ahead and start my nesting process.  Is it too early at 27w4d?  LOL, it's never too early to get organized and clean right!  I have sooooo much going for me right now.  I just want this woman to leave us alone.  She sent one of those stupid texts last night that had a rose on it and said "if you care about me, you'll send this back" and blah blah blah.... so childish.  Then has sent some that has x's and o's all over it.  

Have you ever wanted to just pluck something out of your brain and never worry about it again.. I really have nothing to worry about, but I am creating this sense of insecurity in my own head.  I wanted to ask him to change his cell number, but the kids have it memorized, it's on all our emergency call sheets, it's on the schools call list, all his family and mine have it... that is just not going to be practical.  I guess I just can't do anything but refocus my mind on our home and making him happy here.  I do not want to make his life miserable.

Thanks for letting me vent.  Just curious if anyone has any ideas of what I can do for myself to put my mind on a different track other than this other woman.  It does no good for him or I to tell her to get lost, she will just not stop.  We have both told her to move on.  He has enough women in his life to deal with on a day to day bases.  LOL, he has his ex-wife whom he has two kids with, and an ex-fiance who he has a daughter with, and then me.  Interesting life, huh.  =)
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73 Comments Post a Comment
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285848_tn?1219095913
Change his phone number!

Is the one thats trying to contact him the ex fiance or wife or just an ex girlfriend? If its a mother of his child then its understandable if they need to contact him. But the way theyre going ga-ga over him again is unacceptable. What a h-o-e! lol
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Avatar_f_tn
It's just an ex-girlfriend.  They have NO TIES at all.  She is just being as you stated a flat out "H-O-E".  

I wanted to ask him to change the number, but his kids already have the number memorized, and his family, and friends have the number.  He has had the number for 3 years now.  It is unfair to him to have to change it.

I just wish that this girl would just stop calling and texting him.  I have tried to talk to her about it, I have tried to be nice about the whole thing, and my nerves are being worked here.  The entire time they were "together" she cheated on him, and would do this with other men to him.  She would text other men, and some were MARRIED men.  She is just out to wreck homes.  She has another thing coming if she expects to break up this home.  After my baby is born I think I'm going to pay this chick a visit if she hasn't stopped her C R A P!
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Avatar_m_tn
Ok, your fiance needs to put a stop to it.  He is obviously responding as you say.  Why does he feel that he needs to hang onto her?  He has other responsiblities and you shouldnt have to make excuses for him.  If he changes his number his children can all memorize the new one.  Or if it is harrassment then he can file a compliant.  If he wanted nothing to do with her then he should make that happen.  She obviously keeps calling because she thinks it's OK.  If she is a nut job then a restraining order should be put in ASAP!  There is no need for women to be contacting YOUR fiance.  I hope you get this resolved soon!
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97615_tn?1212682189
I was gonna say, I would have to call her if it didn't stop.  I wouldn't be mean about it, but I would have to let her know that she is embarrassing herself.  i hate stupid girls like that.  just remember the problem is that she is insecure and cannot move on. what a waste of a life.  :)  
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172826_tn?1292440112
women are idiots..sorr]y ladies lol...but no seriously...it pisses me off how some think they're all that and they're sh*t don't stink and think their better by trying to go after your man...especially exes...god my bf's ex is ughy..she would email him all like i know you want me baby n stuff...he would reply get a life leave me alone..we were at the movies and ugh she was there too.. same movie sitting in front of us and i was 9 months pregnant...has 2 more weeks to go...you know how pregnancy can get difficult in the end..i needed to get out of the house is was so darn hot at my place..i thought i would die...we watched the movie and they have an arcade so bf and my friends wanted to go play...it was funny watching them play dance dance revolution lol...anyways her as well as her friends would be all walking holding their backs exagerating pretending to rub a belly laughing at me..like it was horrible..she kept starring at my man trying to show off and all and HER bf's there too and as if he doesn't notice...my friends were with me and they basically told her off...you know how sensitive you get god i felt like a cow lol..and it didnt help to be made fun of and this girl is now 24...how mature of her...well she lied to my bf about her being pregnant and he caught on and left her...i walked by her as we were going home and i told her oh honey this is what a real pregnancy looks like...i dont need to lie about it...she saw us again a few weeks after i gave birth in the mall and our ds was with us and my bf was holding him because he was a little angry..her face just dropped because i no longer had a belly and had a baby...i think she was jealous and still is...

my mom got married at 18 and divorced at 21-22 he was commiting adultery..she has been with my father for..almost 24 years..i will be 22 and it will be 24 this summer..anywho, her ex husband still calls her sometimes...:S he wants her to go out for coffee and she's tried inviting him over for supper to make him feel really uncomfortable because me and my dad would be there and he refused...lol guys ARE  bad but girls are worse...its pretty crappy...:S
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193609_tn?1292183893
I feel so bad that you are in this situation!!!! Mike's EX used to cause us a LOT of problems...her and I exchanged words on a few occasions. His ex was worse though....not only did she call him and bug him constantly, she would also call me and claim they slept together and things like that. It was horrible and for a few months, I was so stressed that was all I thought about.

BUT....you cant let it control your life. Tell her to get a life and move on.
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193609_tn?1292183893
I feel so bad that you are in this situation!!!! Mike's EX used to cause us a LOT of problems...her and I exchanged words on a few occasions. His ex was worse though....not only did she call him and bug him constantly, she would also call me and claim they slept together and things like that. It was horrible and for a few months, I was so stressed that was all I thought about.

BUT....you cant let it control your life. Tell her to get a life and move on.
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285848_tn?1219095913
My very first relationship was long distance. I know, big mistake. I was with the guy for 3 years and he was very attractive and sweet. His brother would make a lot of friends with girls and they would go hang out at his house. Well my boyfriend was always talking to me and there would be girls trying to hang themselves on him. Even if he would ask them to stop and tell them he's taken theyde still give it a try. They would tell him Im not worth it and they would even offer themselves to him. This was very stressful on my half because I never knew if anything actually did go on, but I trusted him so it would just **** me off that these girls would do that ****. Ive talked to a few of them as well and completely ripped em a new one but it never stopped.The first 2 years were the worst...there was, I would say, a total of 5 girls that tried to wreck our relationship.

Then I was reintroduced to a guy I went to school with. I knew him from 6th grade and decided that the long distance thing was weighing too heavy on my heart to keep going on. So I got with my current boyfriend and we were high school sweet hearts and are still going strong..Its really hard to have a good working relationship when there are other girls around that dont understand the boundaries..or respect relationships that work. I think its just because they get so jealous when they see a good guy taken they want to steal them. I know a lot of my boyfriends Exs as well but have only have one incident with one..who happened to be my best friend and living with me at the time...lets just say she moved out pretty quick after that. That was the only time the trust I have with my current bf faultered. But i know he was ashamed of himself. My friend was the one that told me and my boyfriend was walking around the corner as it happened. It was only a kiss, but still. I remember running away from him and hearing him ask her if he should leave or not. She was smart and told him that he needed to talk to me about it. I forgave him and Im glad I did because we've blossomed into a great couple. I think that incident brought us that much closer because it made him realize how much I meant to him since he almost lost me. Im not very good friends with the girl anymore though ahah. With the long distance guy I seriously just wanted to jump through the phone/computer and beat the **** outa some chicks!

All in all, some people just dont know how to be respectful. Once she realizes shes wasting her time she should stop, always that way with me.
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202436_tn?1326477933
Isn't there some way through the phone itself or your cell phone provider to block her number and any number she uses to contact him?
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Avatar_f_tn
His ex did the same thing to me.  I sent her a text IN NOVEMBER telling her to MOVE ON and leave him alone, that we are expecting a baby, and are planning on getting married.  The stupid b i t c h sent me a text back saying that she was pregnant too, then the next message she sent she said that my Fiance had asked her to sleep with him.  I'm thinking GROSS, she actually thinks that I will believe that he would want to sleep with her knowing she is pregnant by another man and that I am pregnant with his baby.  I thought about how SICK she thinks.. and she actually thinks that people believe her.

Sck08 - No, he hasn't contacted her at all.  He has ignored the phone calls, messages and text messages.  The last conversation they had was in November because she blocker her number when she called him.  So, he was forced to tell her to move on, and he told her that were are expecting a baby.. and that is when she told him she was expecting a baby too after suffering a miscarriage two months before and blah blah blah.  He has tried to put a stop to it.

I refuse to let this woman control my life.  I refuse to have to put the kids through learning a new number and having the hassels of changing his number with the schools, and the hospital, and my doctors office, and his doctors office.  

I see now that I am not the only one who deals with crazy *** ex's.  That restraining or harassment charge sounds appealing.  I think I'll think about that one.  Thanks for the idea!
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Avatar_f_tn
Another good idea!  I think I'll give SunCom a call... thanks!
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285848_tn?1219095913
OMG the girls with my ex did the same thing. I was online talking to him and hed go to the bathroom or something. They would hop on and tell me that they slept with him and theyre so much better for him and about how much he likes sleeping with them. They were HORRIBLE. They always got me FUMING MAD!
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Avatar_f_tn
I know you are right.  It is HER lack of respect for our relationship.  She has 2 kids of her own that she is unable to see because her ex refuses to let her see them, she drives DRUNK with them in the car!  When she was with my Fiance' she would tell him that she had to SLEEP with her ex to be able to see her kids.  Come on!!  Give me a break, she was playing BOTH of them.  

I am going to be the strong one and refuse to let this cause yet ANOTHER arguement between my honey and I.  He did what I asked and he has shown me every time she has called or texted him.  I need to focus on being positive.  His girls are staying the night tonight and I need to put on my happy face.  I am angry at myself for sitting here all day and over analyzing EVERYTHING that has happened this past week.  My Fiance is a good man.  But can't help but think in the back of my head that I should keep my gaurd up.  URGGGHHH!!

My baby has hiccups right now.  lol  I hope I didn't upset her!
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208686_tn?1293034103
HE should contact her and tell her to quit calling. Of course she isn't going to just because YOU ask her to. Sck08 is right, you shouldn't make excuses for him. It needs to come from HIM that HE doesn't want anything to do with her. She is probably loving every minute of it that you are so miserable, so why should she quit? I would have a serious talk with him. If he is just ignoring the calls that isn't saying anything but I don't have time to talk to you. If HE wants it to stop then HE will call.

I had this happen with one of my husband's exes before we were married. She called him asking him to help her move on New Years Eve and then they could bring in the New Year together.. blah blah blah.. he told me all about it. I asked him what he said, he said well I didn't say anything because it was just a message, I didn't talk to her. Then let me hear the message, I didn't ask to hear it though. And then when he did talk to her he told her he couldn't. That was it, I'm not sure if he just wasn't thinking at the time or what but he just said "I can't". She ended up calling back inviting him to see her new place. Then I had a real problem. BUT the problem wasn't with her, it was him not being upfront with her to begin with. He should have explained things better, so after he heard my take on the whole situation he ended up calling her back and told her "I am engaged to someone and I'm really not interested anymore. I don't mean to hurt you but that's just the way it is. I wish you all the best in your life and hope that you find someone that makes you really happy and appreciates you." She never called back.
Talk it over with your man and tell him he should be the one to call to get the point across.  He doesn't have to be....  "like hey my girlfriend doesn't want you to call anymore, or hey B&*^% quit calling it's over. He needs to be man about the whole situation. Then if she continues to call, get a harassing charge against her. Use the *it's causing too much stress on my pregnancy as the reason*.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the input.  You are right.  I didn't think of it that way.  I thought he was protecting "us" by not taking her calls, and ignoring her messages.  Yes, he does need to handle it.  Though he said he had.  

The "it's causing too much stress on my pregnancy" is actually true.

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Avatar_f_tn
Your daughter is pretty!  My name is Malissa, my mom asked a nurse how to spell Melissa after I was born, and so they both sounded it out together and came up with "Malissa".  It's unique.
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202436_tn?1326477933
Here's a flip side to this situation. ....consider yourself very lucky that it is HER trying to contact HIM and that he's NOT responding...not the other way around.  My ex-husband (we've been trying to reconcile) has tried to find an ex girlfriend and he's had a girl contact him recently that he knew years ago (not sure if she's an ex or not) but he's been spending lots of time talking and swapping pics.  Even told her in an email that he wished he'd know she was in Virginia at the time he met me becuase he would have married her instead of his "current ex" meaning me.  Personally I think I'd rather be in your shoes where it's just her contacting him.  Not that it makes it any less stressful but atleast you know he's not doing anything wrong.
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202436_tn?1326477933
My whole point to that was that even thought the situation seems bad enough, it could always be worse
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208686_tn?1293034103
Thanks, She'll be 18 soon, ack! I like the spelling of your name too, we actually thought about spelling her name like that but we wanted her to have a combination of letters in her name..lol But she goes by Lis, or Lissa.

About your situation, maybe your fiance just hasn't thought about it fully. Men sometimes do that. Or sometimes, a lot of times, when something is bothering us and we don't say anything to them they just kind of overlook things. I would talk to him and maybe ask him just how he *took* care of it, because if it has been just ignoring her then that may not get the point across. You know what I mean? Good Luck!!!  
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Avatar_f_tn
He has tried to tell her to get lost, she just keeps resurfacing.  He thought the ignoring approach would work best this time.  He wanted to give me peace of mind knowing that he is not returning her calls or texts.  It's all soo annoying and confusing.  I just want to yell and scream about it to him, but would good would that do?  He can't control her calls, and she does not have any respect for me or my position.  I can't stand this woman!
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165078_tn?1255610007
Been there.  Sorry it stinks.  As long as you trust him that is all that matters.  I asked my boyfriend when it started to happen more and more if he would get his number changed because it was annoying me and he did.  Problem solved.  She tried to call our home after that - but that was crossing the line that is MY HOME and I will make you life you know what if you interfere. She never called it back anymore.  Girls are CRAZY.  They really are I just dont understand what makes them tick.  I was never like that with my ex - 9 years together and we broke up and when he got engaged recently I called him to congratulate him.  I was a little sad about it - I do have feelings but I pushed them aside for his happiness.  Then my current boyfriends ex was a pain in the butt.  This was three years ago she has not bothered us since.

Good Luck.  That girl has no clue who she is messing with a pregnant woman can be scary - haha I know I was.
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202436_tn?1326477933
seriously, check into getting her number(s) blocked.  You may also call around and find out what your local laws are governing telephone harassment.  If he has her address, perhaps draft a letter to her (as if it's from him) outlining the fact that he no longer wants anything to do with her, that her calls and texts are bordering stalking and he would appreciate it tremendously is she would just leave him and his family alone.  Specify that he no longer wants her contacting him via phone, text message, email, in writing or in person.  Then send it certified, return receipt.  That was if she keeps it up and you find you can file stalking/harassment charges you can prove that he has told her to stop.  (provided she signs for the letter but considering the nutjob she is, she probably will thinking it's a love letter)
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145992_tn?1341348674
I think he definitely needs to tell her to stop.  She doesn't seem to get it just by him not answering her calls.  Maybe the rejection will trigger her to back off.  Some women are just pathetic.  
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312616_tn?1197314926
have his number changed. get him to talk to her (in front of u) and tell her that he has no feelings for her, to stop calling and to get over it.
i hate having to deal with ex/s i have had my share of josh's ex's interfering in our life.
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Avatar_f_tn
My tummy hurts knowing that he is on his way home.  I know I am going to be tempted to pick up his phone and search through it.  I feel so weak and neurotic.  

I think that when my baby is born I am going to have a extra large glass of wine.  =)
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148691_tn?1260198503
Oh see.... im the kind of beotch that won't allow things like that to even start.....
About two years ago, me and dh went to a 30th bday party of a friend in common of him and his ex girlfriend. She is married and brought her husband, and we sat (unfortunately!) on the same table..... urgh!
Days later, i was looking for plane tickets info dh had in his email, went in, and the friend in common had sent a 'message' to dh from the ex saying she was SO sorry she couldn't even say hello, she didn't want to hurt me or her husband and that she still thought about dh and she wasn't over it yet after all.... blah blah blah....
I showed dh and before even telling him what to do, he said: 'this girl is SICK!' and he replied to his buddy so he could send her a message saying something like 'tell her i am NOT interested at all to know what she feels or thinks about me anymore, tell her she's married and has a kid! she has her own life and now i do mine! tell her if she keeps this going im gonna let her husband know about this cr.ap!'.... hehehehe
I secretly sent a message to dh's buddy... with my own 'colorful' composition of words towards the 'lady'..... *wink wink*
Ever since, every time we go to a 'reunion' or an event we might see her at... she won't even show up!!! lol

hehehe.... don't mess around with my dh women! lol ;) i got some temper and claws ready to come out!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I love reading your responses!!  lol

I will be all up her big *** once my baby is born.  I am so sick of her ****!  Like I do not have enough to deal with in this crazy life, then SHE has to pop up and start screwing with us again.  

I am trying to be civilized about all of this, but if the skank keeps up I swear I'm going to pay her a visit in person (after the baby is born that is!).
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176741_tn?1295237589
Hmm...had to do a double take...thought I accidentally stumbled into the Women's Community Forum.  

Guess not.
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Avatar_f_tn
Seems like all a bunch of drama if you could have the number blocked.  9:00 tomorrow when the cell phone company customer service opens.  Not so much to worked up over when it may be so easily handled.  Go that route and ease your mind....

Good luck getting thru....I HATE calling customer service and all their bad Mu-SAK....

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Avatar_f_tn
i know your pain!!! my df's ex-gf from 3 years ago has been emailing him and what not. saying how i cheated (which i never have) and the baby's not his and how her baby would love him to be her daddy. he never responds to her....but i do. lol. she stopped for a few months till she found out i was pregnant and started again. what's bad is she had a baby last year (we were engaged and he hates her with a passion) she would email him and im him (he got a new cell phone & number when we started dating so she couldn't call/text him) saying how he could be her baby's daddy (which he's not the father..he's a marine living 3-4 states away....) and they could be a happy family, then proceeded to call ME (his FIANCEE) some nasty names.

exes are just.....NASTY NO GOOD H_O_E's!!!!! lol. we should pack em all up and ship to siberia.....the remotest part WITHOUT internet or phone services.....
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Avatar_f_tn
i would have him change his number immediately. its not about you being insecure, or not trusting him. its about getting rid of unnecessary headache. if your fiance see's it bothers you, then he shouldnt mind. i bet she'll get a huge reality check when she gets "the number you have reached is not in service" message..... then let her behind drive her self nuts looking stupid. these S_L_U_T_'s get upset when they want things they cant have.
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376739_tn?1317669990
I did not read all the responses, so I'll just put down my 2 cents. He needs to contact her and verbally tell her TO STOP. He needs to tell her it's over, done with, they have no friendship/relationship and he has a LIFE. Then he needs to tell her that he will put a restraining order on if she continues (it is called harassment when you've told someone to stop something and they keep doing it).

I started nesting when I got the BFP! LOL! So go ahead and nest, hon!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I brought it up like a dumbie tonight.  He got upset because I asked if he got any texts today.  What the hell?  We have fought soooo many times about this good for nothing bimbo and I am TIRED of it.  He says he is doing nothing wrong, so I shouldn't worry about her.  Funny I hate the words "her" and "she" lately!

Getting the number changed, blocking her from calling him once gets his number changed, filing a restraining, harassing and any other order I can file against her, and showing up at her door, then MAYBE she will get the HINT!
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Avatar_m_tn
He shouldnt be mad at you.  It's just hard to believe that she would call for several months straight if he wasnt returning phone calls.  After 3 months of not hearing back from someone you would think she would get the hint. Could he be calling her from work every once in awhile?  If an ex boyfriend was calling me and wouldnt leave me alone then I would be sure to get a restraining order out of respect for myself and my DH.  My DHwould do the same thing.  It's ALL ABOUT respect.  Your fiance is not respecting your feelings.  

When you guys got together was he with one of his children's mothers?
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193609_tn?1292183893
lol....OH geez, I read your post and remembered more of the **** she tried pulling. Over the course of their relationship, she pretended to be pregnant twice. She even went so far as to make a copy of someone elses ultrasound and white out the name!!!!! So, She claimed she was pregnant with his baby, two months before I got pregnant. Well, she finally "moved on" and said that the baby was some other guys....and she acted pregnant for at least 4 months and then it was never brought up again. She is such a liar....it is horrible!!!!  AND....after I got pregnant, she told him that she saw me at school with a bunch of other guys and that a guy named Ryan was in my room with me...Ryan and I were both Resident Assistants at the college and were NEVER alone in a room...lol. But she told him that I was sleeping with a bunch of people and that he needed to get a DNA test because he probably was not the father. She is so pathetic, considering NONE of it is true!!! My situation is a little bit different though....8 months before he met me, they slept together once and she got pregnant, so he does have a daughter with her....BUT she refuses his vistiations adn they have been to court a million times and so we will be dealing with her SH*T forever....UGH!!!! At least she is with some new guy and has not bothered him to get back with her in a while! Sorry, when I talk about her I rant and rave because I am still SO mad that she even exists. Never met someone that lies the way she does!
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Avatar_f_tn
if it doesnt stop x have her number barred x yhe annoying cow will get the hint hopefully x but if it was me id tell your husband that its getting to you and upsetting you and he should put a stop it xxxxx
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172023_tn?1334675884
I can block people from calling and texting.

He should look in to that.  If not, he either needs to change the number, or she will keep calling and texting.  Unfair or not, that is the only thing that will help.

She's getting what she wants, which is to upset and annoy you.  So, I guess that's the way it will be until he decides that he doesn't want that to happen.
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Avatar_f_tn
No, he was single but dating about 4 girls.  =)  He had been divorced for almost 3 years (or close to that) when we met, and with the ex-fiance he had been split up from her since December of 05, but they tried to work it out, so she moved in with him in January 06 (after she found out she was pregnant) and then they split up again in March of 06.  Their daughter was born in September of 06.  I came along in June of 07.... yep, and I'm already 7 MONTHS PREGNANT!
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Avatar_f_tn
Sounds like he's not ready to completely let her go. Who's to say that he doesn't go to a payphone and call her or use a buddies phone? What it all boils down to is your relationship with him, trust and communication. What will he do to protect your feelings? Blocking her # instead of ignoring her is a very small price to pay for a happy relationship.

Sorry you're going through this. But, truly jsut because your having his baby doesn't make him a perfect person able to stand up to temptations. It appears that his past history precedes him.
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow, he must have SUPER sperm :0)  LOL!!!!

does he not like wearing condoms?
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93532_tn?1349374050
I agree, it seems as though there is more to this story he may not be sharing. Otherwise, he would have put an end to this right away. Given his history, I would not be stunned to find out that this "perfect" life is anything but. It is commendable you trust him, just make damn sure you aren't being played for a fool.
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Avatar_f_tn
i agree with the problem is also him. i know if a woman did this with my husband he would do whatever it took to make me happy and to get her to stay out of our lives.   he is doing something wrong, he is not taking your feelings into consideration and he is not standing up to her.  i honestly think he may like having this going on, two women "fighting" over him.  i know if an ex of mine were calling, id put an end to it without even having to be asked by my husband.  this is what a trusting and mature person would do.  i wish the best for you two, he sounds like he needs to grow up.
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Avatar_f_tn
This life has not been "perfect" since October.  =)  I think all relationships start off perfect until you actually get to know a person and try to adapt to their life, while they try to adapt to yours.  It's not perfect by far, I don't think anyones life is perfect.

It turned into a huge fight the other night.  I mentioned that I was going to block her number and he blew up.  He felt that I was going to block her number because I did not trust him.  I just can't see him borrowing a "buddies" phone to contact her because he really is a private person, and all of his crew love and respect me.  He would not stop by a payphone to call her.  Her number is a Maryland number and we live in NC, that would be an outrageous amount to spend on a phone call, lol, we are on a TIGHT budget.  He does not carry cash in his pocket, he turns his entire check over to me and I deposit the entire amount, he carries a bank card but turns in all his receipts to me for taxes and I reconcile EVERY PENNY spent with our bank records.  

I refuse to judge him for those relationships before I came along.  It took a long time for him to get his head right after his divorce.  I heard him break it off with all of those women including this woman.  Blocking her number would only put a bandaide on the situation, she changes he danged number EVERY month!

He was soo upset the other night, and confused why I would question his intergrity.  I never wanted to do that.  He has told me each and every time she has called.  I realize that not trusting him to handle the situation has put a large gap between him and I.  It has put stress on me, and stress on our household.  I think this is more my problem than his.  I am obsessed with this woman and keeping her away from my man.  I am the one with the insecurity problem.  This is not his problem it is mine.  He has told her, she does not get the picture.  She is a homewrecker, and that is why their relationship did not work.  She cheated on him numerous times with strange men.  

I need to overcome this obession with her and get on with my OWN life.

Thanks for all the responses.    
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Avatar_f_tn
I also realize that I am giving this woman exactly what she wants by fighting with him over this.  That text message was sent to him at 8:30 PM at night while we were sitting on OUR couch watching American Idol.  He had his plate of food in his lap that I prepared for him.  He looked at the text and handed the phone to me so that I could see it.  I took the phone over to my little office and I wrote her number down while he watched me.  Why did I do that?  Why would he watch me do it and say nothing if he really had something to hide?  Why do I do these things to myself?

We have this normal life that could be great if I would just let go of my obsession.  I am allowing this woman to control my thoughts, my happiness and my life.  She is getting exactly what she wants FROM ME, not from him.
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so you are back at square one, he wont block it ( i dont get why) but instead makes you feel like its on you, not her.  i hope you can get over this, ive felt this way before too and really it can make you insane.  maybe its not a big deal to him.  what did her text say?  yes you made him dinner, and you two sat on your couch watching your tv, and he showed you the text she sent him.  but lots of couples do that to find out the worst later on.  im not saying he is doing anything, im sure he is not.  what i am saying is that even the best couple can have problems with the continuous temptation that is left open.  i feel my relationship is strong with my husband, but i wouldnt want that temptation coming across his plate over and over and over again.  should he ever act upon it then what? its your fault for pushing him away?  i could be totally wrong and i hope so, but i still believe a simple bock will make you happy, relieve any possible chance for her to get her way, and him to not have to hear how this upsets you so much.  just something to think about.
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Avatar_m_tn
Ok, now I really think something is going on.  Why in the h*ll would he not block the number.  That's crazy!  You made another excuse for him by saying it's you that is insecure and that this other woman changes her number every month.  If that is true then he would be answering her calls every month because he doesnt recognize the number.  Does he have a phone where he works?  

You say that every relationship "starts" out perfect until you try and adapt...You have only known your fiance for 8 months right?  I have been with my husband for 8 years and never once did he make me feel insecure or doubtful about anything in our relationship.  Something isnt right here and I dont have a good feeling about it.  If you are happy with you life and the choices you have made then nothing anyone says here will change that.  For me, I am in a loving commited relationship and my husband would do ANYTHING for me and our DD.  

I really do hope your relationship lasts an eternity!
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I still can't understand why he doesn't just change his number?  He gives his new number to whomever needs it.  Therefore she will never get a hold of him again.  Now if he changes it and she still gets it then you know they are talking.  I think the only way to handle this is if he just changes his number.  You never have to confront her and neither does he.  It's done with, as simple as that.  I think part of you wants to fight with her.  Maybe it will give you some closer on the situation? The only thing it's going to do is fire you up more.  She will know that she can get a rise out of you and it gives her some importance in your relationship.  Don't let her even have a little power.  Offer for him to change his number, and if he gives you a hard time then throw back at him that he obviously doesn't care about your feelings if he can't even do something so small just to make you happy.
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You are being played, plain and simple. Classic cheater behavior blaming YOU for the way HE behaves.
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Your situation does not sound good.  Sorry.  If he were not up to anything I think he would simply do what you ask since you are the girlfriend and women he loves.  Its not your fault she is calling and if it were not his fault he would just change his number.  You are going to drive yourself nuts.  Its not the girls fault if he lets it happen.    

Just walk away.  You have the best of him in your belly.  

Sorry you have to go through this.
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Your situation does not sound good.  Sorry.  If he were not up to anything I think he would simply do what you ask since you are the girlfriend and women he loves.  Its not your fault she is calling and if it were not his fault he would just change his number.  You are going to drive yourself nuts.  Its not the girls fault if he lets it happen.    

Just walk away.  You have the best of him in your belly.  

Sorry you have to go through this.
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Avatar_f_tn
i hate to say it but you sound like my sister and her husband.  not that he wont block a caller, but how he makes her doubt herself and makes her feel bad about this and that and when she talks to him he turns it around and she then will say its her fault and make excuses for his behavior.  its a sad cycle that after 5 yrs of marriage it has only became worse.  it sounds as though you dont trust him and you are trying to make yourself and us believe he is good by saying you control money so you know he couldnt possibly contact her or see her.  a great cheater will make you think you are crazy then make it seem your fault.  i really hope he is just stupid and not cheating.  either way he needs a wake up call.  when is the wedding? plans being made? date set? ring bought?  i ask because if he proposed but refuses to do anymore (even because of finances weddings can be under $100 if need be) then maybe you need to find out if he is really the right one for you.  husbands and wives should support each other and help each other to feel confidant and loved and secure.  maybe you need to take a long look at this relationship.  he sounds very immature.
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Avatar_f_tn
You are right NOTHING I have said will make YOU believe he isn't a cheater... everything I DO say makes YOU think he is cheating.  There are two sides to every story.  The message came across while he was sitting beside me.  Trust me, I have FULL access to his phone at all times.  The man is HOME every night and in bed WITH ME.

AndiJ78 - I do not believe he is CHEATING on me.  This whole thread was started BECAUSE the girl WILL NOT leave him alone.  All of a sudden it has turned into a situation where he is cheating.  Is this wishful thinking on all of you guys onto me?  That is NOT what I was looking for in this thread and I will NOT consider that he is cheating on me with this woman simply because SHE keeps contacting HIM.

Why should we give her the upper hand in this?  Some women are just plain obnoxious and will NOT go away.  Should I accuse him of cheating EVERY time a woman calls his phone from his past?  Should I ask him to change his number EVERY SINGLE TIME a woman finds out his new number and continues to call.

This situation has been an eye opener for me.  

I WILL NOT walk away from this relationship because of a dumb ***** who wants my man and who wants to ruin his relationship with me.  She has issues NOT ME or him.  Take a good look at your own husbands and ask yourself if you would just WALK AWAY and ASSUME the worst because another woman is interfering.  It is EASY to tell someone else to walk away, but would you do it yourself?  Walk away from something good because ONE PERSON is trying to climb the fence?  Of course he got angry, I ACCUSED him and blew up at him because of something that WAS out of his control.

He contacted her FOR ME today and told her to stop with the calling, stop with the texting, that she is doing nothing for herself but makeing HERSELF look like a fool.  What was her response you ask?  "No lose on my part, it is you that is missing out." then she laughed and hung up.  Do I feel better?  NOPE.  I feel foolish for causing a commotion and an uproar in my home.  I feel foolish for questioning his intergrity.  I feel foolish for feeling like the "victim" in all of this.  Did the three way call cure my heartache... NOPE, it made it worse to now know that in the future instead of feeling strong about our relationship I now know that I am that woman who is insecure and has no self confidence.  I never thought I would be that woman.      
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You dont have to be that woman, stand up and take control of your home.  If he gets his number changed and does not give it out she will never get it.  I had a similar prob as I said above.  I asked him to change his number for me I did not want the aggrevation and he did and we have never had another call - she did find our home number which then became my issue and I told her off myself and it was over.  Girls are cruel.  Dont let this ruin your life. You are about to have a baby - the most wonderful time of your life.  After your baby is born you will realize the only person that you will take stuff from for the rest of your life is your baby.  Trust me - My boyfriend knows where the door is and how to open it.  But we love each other and our dd and we have a happy home and if a third party tried to come in between he or I should be willing to put a stop to it that second.  No hesitation.

It is a hard situation.  Sorry you are going through this.
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Avatar_f_tn
well im glad he did that.   however, he should have done that from the start instead of you having to put it out there online for help.  you have nothing to feel bad about in my book.  he should be asking you to forgive his stupidty in not doing this from the very first time she did it.
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Avatar_f_tn
Just to clarify, he did not refuse to "allow" me to block her number.  He was upset because I assumed that he would accept a call from her if she DID call him again.

I am not trying to convince any of you.  I am talking through my situation, that is all.  I do not need to try to convince any of you that he is a good man, it is not like I am looking for your approval.  None of you have even met him, you really can't form an opinion or judge simply from one side of a story, which is a fraction of our relationship.  It's like a fleeting thought, here today gone tomorrow.
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This is my safety zone away from my life.  

Thanks for talking through this with me.  
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I had a thought Saturday night while I was spouting off stuff at him, and demanding that he do this and that.  Everyone has choices in life.  Tomorrow I may be contacted by one of my ex's or someone else from my past that might try to interfere with what I have with my Fiance.  It is my choice what I do with that temptation.  If I could I would take all of those choices away from him... but what kind of person would that make me?  Controlling!

This was my misperception and I realized too that everything that he said I immediatley turned it into a negative.  Instead of listening to a full sentence I would pick out bits and pieces that I thought would validate my points so that I would be the one that was right in all of this.  I know how self-distructive that is, and I will not do that to myself again.

Thanks for all of your input on this subject.  
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One major difference between us...I am married and have been married to my husband for almost 8 years, together for over 10 years. I did not get together with a man with a history of cheating or making it his personal mission to repopulate the world with different women. If I found out my husband was cheating, first step would counseling. If I had a profound distrust of him, as it appears you do with your bf, I would walk away with three kids in tow. You cannot have a relationship without trust. You claim to trust him, but if you did trust him, you would have never started this post. You can say time and time again you do, but it is not us you are trying to convince, it is yourself.

No one is wishing ill things for you, quite the opposite. What woman deserves to feel this way? My husband doesn't make me feel like this and I would be hard pressed to say I would remain with someone who did. Something is amiss here and while you claim that it is your fault (see, it is happening again) the blame does not lie with you unless you are going to allow it to. It is great he told you he did this, but it still doesn't sit right. I will be interested to see how this turns out. As someone else stated, you have the best part of him inside of you.

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Avatar_f_tn
it does not make you controlling to want your fiance to stop calls from his ex.  it makes you a woman like the rest of us.  for him not validate your feelings and in turn call you names (like controlling) over it makes him appear shady.  i know you are trying to cover up for his actions since he has been man bashed here lol, but from every controlled relationship i have seen the man can ALWAYS convince the woman she is in the wrong.  my dh would never EVER make me feel this way, he would do his best to make me feel secure, trusting, loved, #1.  i hope he can do that for you too , just dont wait too long
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and im not telling you this to say my husband is better than whoever, heck im divorced i do know what its like to be married to the wrong man.  i am not wanting you to leave him, im just saying maybe you both need to work on some things before you do marry.  
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Avatar_f_tn
First and foremost, he has to respect your feelings/emotions. Knowing that you are at a vulnerable time, too being pregnant only adds to it. He should be coming up with ideas on his own and not counting on you to tell him what to do. This may not be true all of the time, I can only go on what you have written. If he wants to make your relationship work, he needs to be doing everything, EVERYTHING that he can to make you feel secure. Bending over backwards, even. Your feelings are real, do not ever let anyone make you think that they are bc of your own issues.

I think that you have some good advice here. There are a lot of woman with years of life experiences and friends with the same. My best friend just found out her dh has been cheating. She did everything you did with controlling money, phone bills, etc. It still happens. We don't want it to, but reality says when temptation is around. Sometimes they buckle to it. Hopefully that's not the case here.
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Avatar_f_tn
my stupid sister went as far once to get pg thinking it would make her dh stop doing what he was doing, amost 3 yrs later they are going to therapy today. point is you cant control anothers actions.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Perty is right. They need to make the choices and decisions on their own. There's always temptations out there. It doesn't have to be just that girl that knows his cell phone #. He's going to run into many more and needs the skills to deal with it appropriately.
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Avatar_f_tn
That is exactly what I have been thinking since my throw down on Saturday night.  If it is not this woman it will be another.  I can't go around accusing him everytime a woman shows interest.  He is an attractive outgoing well manner man, he attracts MANY women, including my mother.  =)  He looks sorta like Ty Pennington, you now with the whole wild hair and "soul patch" on his lip.  He is so adorable.

AndiJ78 - You are not the first person to say that about him.  Me getting pregnant was my OWN doing.  I listened to doctors who told me that I had a VERY SLIM chance of becoming pregnant, so I just didn't use my head and use protection.  That's not all on him.  The wine took over that night.  I am sure you will be well informed as the time passes about this relationship and different aspects of my life.  I am not ashamed of what I do with my life.  Just sitting and writing to you ladies helps me to SEE what is happening around me.  I kept a journal for many years but was betrayed by my ex, he read some of my most private thoughts and uesed them against me.  Now, I only keep a baby journal.  Appreciate what you have, I know you do.  It's great to have a life to be proud of.  I am not a reader of the future, so I can't say if this is my perfect match, but I am not willing to give up and walk away just yet.  =)  

Perty - He did not call me "controlling" that was the word that I used to describe my little temper tantrum the other night.  He has never called me names.  Any other time he DOES make me feel like I am NUMBER 1.  I have never had anyone to make me feel so precious... feeling "precious" is a GREAT feeling.  =)  I am not defending him, but I will say that you ladies have actually made me take a step back and look at him and what he does for me.. that is good thing.  Sometimes people take too much for granted.. a very selfish thing to do.  
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Avatar_m_tn
For the record I NEVER said that I thought he was cheating on you.  I said I thought something was going on.  You say you have his phone records-well, if she is changing her number every month like you dsay then how can you keep track of what number belong to who?  This is what i think-He is calling her from work.  He is probably not cheating but he IS talking to her.  I think he feels he needs to hold onto other "prospects" in case it doesnt work out with you.  I mean from his history it seems like he is ALWAYS attached to someone.  I think HE is the one with self esteem issues and he feels like he needs to hang onto other women.  You have asked several times "would you walk away from your husbands?"  My answer is absolutely not, BUT my husband would never be put in this sort of situation.  He would never accept phone calls from another woman, he would never make me feel insecure, and he would never have ANY ties whatsoever with other women.  
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I sent you a personal message.  Just some stuff I found out the other night about this girl.  =)  I do not want to post it here...



  
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This whole post gives me a yucky feeling. I cannot imagine living in this kind of hostility and insecurity and questioning. Without trust, there is nothing, in my opinion. If the ex has been coming back for three months, she is getting some sort of reward. I believe the reward lies in your "man" somehow. Nobody comes back again and again without bait. Sorry, just how I see the situation. I know I'm jumping in late here, but man...what a mess. I hope things are sorted out once you bring your child into this world, but something tells me it is a way of life that you seem more accustomed to. Chaos is addicting.
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I'm sorry, but how hard is it to change a phone #?  So you have to text or call everyone you want to have the #.  So what?  That's not hard.

Bottom line is that if he wanted to stop this girl from calling, he would, plain and simple.  A man who loves you would do that no questions asked.  

It is a classic cover up move to blame you for "doubting" him.  He will make you feel like you are insecure and crazy.  I'm older than most here on the forum, and let me tell you I know how manipulators act.  He's turning all this around to make you the bad guy.  

Again--if he wanted to end the phone calls, he would do so immediately.  It would be an annoyance, but if he loves you, he'd do it in a heart beat.  He enjoys it in some sick way.  
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When an ex of my husbands called our house, out of the blue one day, I happened to be the one to answer the phone.  I handed the phone over, and my husband talked to her.  He was very polite to her, made some small talk with her, mostly about our new baby we had just had, and then wrapped up the phone call.  It lasted about 5 minutes.  She had asked him if he wanted to go hang out, and of course he politely declined that.  I don't think she really knew about me, since it had been a really long time since he talked to her.  Our phone number is listed under my husbands name, so its not hard to find it.  Point is, I wasn't mad about her calling, and I didn't tell him what he should say to her, but he unavailable, and happily married to me and made that clear.  She has never called back.  I think it is pretty easy to let it be known that you don't want to hear from someone, without being rude.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks!  I agree with you.  I have found out other info about this woman that I was not told until the other night.  Not everyone finds out about the whole truth until things like this surface.    

Some people are just sick in the head, and this girl is one of them.  I guess there are too many posts here for everyone to read the entire story and every thing that I have typed or they would not keep saying the same thing over and over again even though I have addressed each issue.  Bottom line, life is NOT perfect... there will always be the opposite sex out there, and I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to control his life.  He is a great man.  I should have never started this post because just as some women are neurotic like the one I am dealing with, others are just not trusting... it's easy to assume that someone else's man is cheating or doing something wrong... but they would never "assume" this from their own partner.  

Anyway, I am pretty much done with this thread.  I have things in perspective now and I have all of my answers.  It has all been worked out inside of my head, my heart and in our home.  This girl is now a non-issue.

I'm glad that you guys did not get your number changed because of his ex calling.  Like you said the number is listed.  Phone numbers are easily accessed.  Sounds like a simple solution to get your number changed, but are you going to do it every single time the opposite sex contacts you.

My Fiance' has dealt with me and my struggles with my ex-husband.  I can work through this with him as he purges his life.  I love him very much, I am going to see him through this.

Now it's time to go nest, as I stated in the beginning of this post  =)  and get my nursery together!  
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Avatar_m_tn
There is something to be said about a post getting 70 replies and EVERY response is the same.  

The pm you sent described what you are talking about that you just found out about this girl.  None of that has anything to do with the current situation.  But whatever your boyfriend tells you makes you feel better so just go with that...

Obviously, you know what your going to do and noone can change that...when the next "incident" happens remember all of these people that 'told you so!'
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I am always concerned with people who claim the ex is/was crazy. I think I recall you saying your bf says ALL of his ex's are/were crazy. Seems statistically impossible to me unless he trolls the looney bins for dates. Please be aware that there is something off here and no one is wishing you ill. We are concerned about the fact you have placed yourself in a very vulnerable position and he seems to be playing that to the hilt.

Good luck with everything.
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Avatar_f_tn
"Sounds like a simple solution to get your number changed, but are you going to do it every single time the opposite sex contacts you."

how often does he get calls from the opposite sex?  i guess we are done. you can call her crazy, you can say you have some secret info on her, but the point isnt her actions.  its his....  im confused how you can be so over this in a matter of hours, the house is now in order, and he is the perfect man again.  maybe we are wrong and its your hormones, i dont think so though.  good luck, you just might need it.  i justhope he doesnt run out on you like the others.  
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