OMG, I'm gonna choke him! I need advice!

I am so mad at my baby's daddy (that sounds so trashy).  Some back ground:  found out I was pregnant he said have an abortion.  I said no.  So then he threatned to try to make me m/c or sell my baby!  I left and filed police reports, but man he is pissing me off.  He has a myspace page and that pisses me off too.  He has marked "proud parent" and under school his major has been changed to "wife beating".  Ya'll I'm talking about a 32 year old man, not a teenager!  He has a 9 year old son with his exwife.  He also posted about me, "Brandy and I broke up, I wish her the best, she needs someone who can commit to the relationship."  Yeah, commit to me and our unborn child!  Then he goes on to say he was planning a trip to Reno to go skiing and asked if any friends want to come along.  His sister just posted and asked how his trip went!!  Yet at the sametime he keeps sending me e-mails begging me not to take him to court over child support!  He says he can't afford it and that he can only pay $150 a month.  If you can take vacations then you can pay your child support and maybe next time you'll learn to keep your **** in your pants!  He is a computer programer, he clears $6,000-$6,500 a mnth.  He is single, his rent is $500, his car is paid for- the only things he has is vongage, electricity, car insurance, and to pay for his precious games (world of warcraf, halo3...**** like that.  He pays his ex wife $150 in childsupport and only up until 16 because thats what they agreed on during the deviorce.  Even if he had the worst month ever he would still owe me $420 in child support.  He only sees his son once a year for a week and maybe talk to him on the phone 5 times a year.  He hates kids and has a terrible temper.  All he loves is himself, his money, and his stupid games!  God forbid anything try to come between any of thoses three things!  Not once has he asked about this baby.  Not the due date, how it was, what it was, what to name it, NOTHING!  He walks around like a saint- his friends and family think he is just great.  Has he mentioned the baby, no!  Its his dirty little secret.  I want to call his family so much.  Yeah, let me tell you about your wonderful son!  I just want to choke him!!  Anyone else dealing with an idiot and if so how the heck did you deal with it??  And do you guys think I should contact his family and expose his nasty little secret??  Would this make him... somewhat responsible??  I'm so frustrated with all of it and pissed that he just pretends my baby doesn't exsist.  What to do??

[amberd5191]

I had an idiot, I actually do talk to his parents they feel the same way about him as I do. :)

I would call them if I were you just tell them you wanted to update them on the baby. Then at least they will know.

Also my advice is eventually this may go to court print off his myspace page for proof so they can see what a "fit" parent he is.

Best of luck!

[Mom2be530]

THANK YOU SO MUCH for getting back with me.  I'm just killin myself over what I should do.  I've printed his myspace and all the emails where I have it in black and white, "you want this baby and I don't" he says.  I'm just so mad that he totally ignores it, like its going to just disapear.  I know this will go to court and I'll fight him to death because I will not let him hurt my baby...or sell it!  The only thing I would worry about is that he might try to see it that one week a year.  I think thats mean.  How could I hand my baby over to someone it doesn't know, for him to take it away from its security and only family it knows, for him to take it somewhere it doesn't know, with people it doesn't know.  That would scare me to death.  One week a year is not enough time for a relationship.. the baby wouldn't even know him!

[AndiJ78]

Be the adult and set an example for your child. nothing will change him but you simply do not need to let him have that control over your life. Stop playing the victim and he cannot victimize you, right? Don't go to his family simply to make him look bad, go to them because you want to form a bond, because you want them to have a relationship with their grandchild. Anything less and you will come off looking like a woman scorned and nothing more. Again, I can tell you are frustrated, but being the adult is the best way to cope with it. Stop going to his myspace page, once the baby is born get the paternity test and a lawyer and go from there.

[potts20]

I am sorry that you have to deal with such an *** hole.  Does his family like you at all?  If so, then you should sit down and talk with them, and decided what to do from there.  If they dont like you, then I dont think I would call them.  If they stick up for him, and think he is great, knowing what he is really like, then they are not worth it.  Your child needs a loving family, that isnt going to act childish.  He is a grown man, and if he cant take responsibility for his actions, then he doesnt deserve anything.  When you take him to court, get it so he has NO parental rights if you dont want your child around him.  When the child is old enough, then explain to him what his father is, and that if he/she wants to see him, then thats up to you.  Your ex will most likely try to deny it because that is how most idiots like that are.  Like AndiJ78 said, when the child is born, get a paternity test.  I wish you the best of luck, and hopefully someday (if you havent already), you will find the right guy who will take care of you and your children, like you guys deserve to be taken care of.  God Bless.
Megan

[spade22]

1) You don't need trash like this in your, and your unborn child's, life.  I wouldn't have anything more to do with him except for  comment 2.  Why "expose" him - two wrongs don't make a right.  I agree with AndiJ78, contact his family only so they can establish a relationship/bond with blood relation.

2) He can, and WILL BE MADE to pay child support.  Whatever excuses he makes (cant afford it etc.) are meaningless since he has a good, solid income.  This is something that the courts will enforce and there is a good chance you will get substantially more than $150/month - it depends on numerous factors. Who really cares what he has to say on the matter, fact is, the courts will make the ultimate decision regarding this - not you, not him.

[Mom2be530]

His family lives in New Orleans and I live in Mississippi.  I have never meet them, nor spoken to them at all.  In fact I don't even know if they knew we were dating.  We were together a little over a year, but he barley talks to them.  Like I said his life revolves around his games.

And yes, I know we don't belong together.  I'd love to call him up and ignore all the bad stuff and pretend all is well, but I can't.  Why keep giving myself to someone who doesn't know how to treat me or my kids??  I just keep praying about it.  Also I figure if I did keep messing with him I'd only prolong my chances of God allowing the "right" one into my life, so I'm gonna keep going solo and try  to do the best I can.  He scares me and I don't know what he would do with my baby.  I fear if I tell his family they may fight for visitation.  I know if I keep it between Tavis and I, he just doesn't care, and I doubt he would fight me for visitation.

[melimeli]

what did you see in him in the first place?

[blessed_mommy]

Unfortunately, he told you from the beginning that he didn't want this baby.  My advice is to not force it upon him.  You may be raising this child on your own.  I do hope you will go through with a child support order once the baby is born.  It did take two to create this baby regardless of the current feelings.  Only invlove his family if your intentions are genuinely in the best interest of the child knowing the family.  Your focus now should be preparing to love and support this baby and make sure you are healthy thoughout your pregnancy.  Do not let him drain you of the blessing you have been given.  I wish you luck.

[Mom2be530]

Really fast, melimeli, I had no idea.  We were together over a year and never fought or disagreed on anything.  I honestly didn't see this comming and I had never had any indications that he could be this way.  Scarry.

Blessed_mommy-  your right.. I have email from him clearly stating "you want this baby, I don't".  I already have a 5 year old son and I've been single parent with him, I know I can do it.  Its not here yet, but I love it and my son and I are really excited.  He can't waite for next month because they are going to do the anatomy scan and it will be his first time getting to see the baby, and I'm excited cause I want to know what I'm having (should the baby allow it).  I'm still contemplating involving the family.  I know nothing about them and I don't know how things would go.  It would be tragic to me if they were the sameway Travis is.  I don't want the families to speak badly about one another.  I don't want Travis to make it feel like it was a mistake and that its not loved...or sell it.  I'm just lost.

[peekawho]

How on earth do you "sell" a baby?  

*raises eyebrows questioningly*

[Mom2be530]

From what he said he looked it up online.  His words, "It was like a baptist cult thing.  They all live together and they pay more for girls cause they believe they are more important to be able to continue on their beliefs in future generations".  I have no idea where he got this information.  I mean what??  Do you google "how to sell my baby"???  I have heard of the black market and selling babies that way, but I don't know what the hell he was talking about, I didn't care I just knew I needed to get out and fast.  And I also didn't think baptists were in cults.  He has recently changed his beliefs on his myspace to agnostic... apparently, and I'm not saying this to be ugly, he has some serious problems and it kinda scares me.  Is he mental??  Does it run in his family??  Could it carry over to this baby???  Freaks me out, his behavior is just so bazar I don't know what to think.

[peekawho]

I don't think the Baptists of the world are going to appreciate being linked to "baby selling" and "cults".
That's pretty much not what they are about.  

I must agree. Your whole situation is bizarre, to say the least.

[have 2 kids]

.

[tmv]

Baptist cults???? I'm a Baptist and have never heard of this.

[Van73]

OMG! I nearly fell outta my chair.  I am Baptist (the worst kind - Southern- haha) and I saw no baby sellin in our doctorine...lol

Anyhow, print out his myspace page showing what a jerk off he is, going on trips, etc...print out his emails.....Take him to court.  That's all he's good for.

[Mom2be530]

I'm sorry to all who are Baptist!  I live in Mississippi and its the Bible belt.  I personally am nondenomination, I go to a bible curch, but I grew up Baptist.  I know that Baptist is not a cult.  I'm starting to really believe that he may have some mental issues and I don't say that to knock him.  Its almost got me laughing because I have no idea why he keeps saying such off the wall things.  Do you think the news of this baby has caused him to be pushed over the edge??  I don't understand what the problem is.

[rubyolivia]

Anyone who wants to "sell" a child has mental issues......no question.

[Van73]

Oh believe me, I am not offended!!! I nearly fell outta my chair LAUGHING!! =)  Hilarious.

I think you should take him to court and be done with him.

[BabyHardiman]

I have had an idiot in my life but luckily he had his nutts cutt and could not produce a baby, but my dumb butt did marry him... just replace the video games yours is obsesed over with Porn and you've just described my ex-idiot to a T.    

[Mom2be530]

I salute you!  I don't know what went wrong with the past couple of generations of men, but something went seriously wrong.  I pray everyday that I can raise my son to be different.  I want him to be a well rounded individual with good morals and to respect women.  I want him to know the Lord and remember that his family is very important.  I'll do the best I can to raise him right.

[BabyHardiman]

My baby's father was raised with great morals.. he was raised as a Jehovah's Witness but as he got older he learned to respect that everyone has a right to chose the way they want to believe.  He is Nondenominational and I am Baptist.  We have decided that our baby will have free will to chose his/her religious path without either of us trying to direct their beliefs.  The mother of his 2 oldest girls are Baptist and she feels the same way about her girls and their beliefs.  The mother of his 3rd daughter does not attend church at all.. she has no belief system, she laughs at religion.  So, we have a ruff road ahead with our kids and the extended family.  But I LOVE his parents and they were born and raised Jehovah's Witness but aloud their children to develop their beliefs freely from the bible.  I feel blessed to have found this wonderful man and to be exposed to his family, it all has really opened my eyes.  Over night almost I have a family... it could happen for you too!!!!!!  Don't give up hope.

[AndiJ78]

Nothing has changed with our generation of men, it just takes being cautious who you allow into your life and your bed. Sometimes they are great at masking their true colors for a long time, but more often than not the signs are there from the beginning, we just ignore them, blinded by lust or infatuation.

Don't just blame the men, but learn from your mistakes and move on.

[peekawho]

And be sure you are not with an idiot, before you chose to have a baby with one.  If it takes 5 years of dating to be sure he's not an idiot, so be it.  

You made a mistake, and now you will have to make the best of your situation for your childrens sake.  They shouldn't suffer because you chose very unwisely.

[BabyHardiman]

I wish I had your advice before I married my ex-idiot.  He wouldn't have it any other way tho.  I was his arm candy.. there were 25 years between us.. one of the reasons I got these dumb breast implants.. he was trying to perfect someone who needed no help.. I thought I was rather perfect before he came along just the way God made me.  I have learned a very valuable leason from my past!

[evesd]

you are not the only one ... my ex  has failed to tell his parents that im pregnant. He is scared to tell them but wont admit it. The man is 30 years old... come on. As if that was not enough he asked that i not give the baby his last name claiming that one day i will meet the man of my dreams get married and he will father my child, thus no need for him. So yeah.... needless to say that's why he's my ex.

[BabyHardiman]

What a butt hole!!  No, I would say it's more like, one day he will wake up and realize what he missed out on in life.  I baffles me how people live day to day knowing they have children out there with their blood flowing through their veins!!  What a dork!

[Mom2be530]

I didn't chose to have a baby with him.  I was on birth control and it happened.  I knew I shouldn't even be pregnant will all of my many health problems, but I did what I was suppost to do to try to prevent it.  And my children do not suffer at all.  My son is very well adjusted and well taken care of.  I've been a single parent to him for 5 years now and personally I think I did a great job.  I can't help what Travis does or how he feels.  This baby, like my son, will be taken care of and I will do what I need to do to make sure that happens...even if that means totally cutting Travis out.

[peekawho]

Like it or not, every adult woman in the United States has the right to make a choice to have a baby or not.  You have most definately chosen to have a baby, he is the father, and you are not pleased with him or his actions now that the baby is a reality.  

Your choice.  Now you have to make it work so that your child will benefit the most.  You have chosen a complete jerk to father a child, and now you have a lot of work cut out for you.  If you've done it once by yourself, I'm sure you can do it again.   But this "jerk" has legal rights, he has legal obligations, and it will take a lot of work to get rid of him, if he chooses to make it unpleasant for you.

Like it or not, now you are tied not only to him, but to the people who raised him for many years to come.  If you are not tied together by a dedication to working together to raise a healthy child, you will be tied together by fighting, bickering, and ill will.  

I don't envy you your situation at all.  Best of luck.  

[AndiJ78]

Very well said peek as usual.

[Mom2be530]

I'm really not tied to him.  He doesn't care, its that simple.  I am 99,9% sure that if I don't tell his family and expose his secret, he wont mess with it.  If anyone were to come after me for visitation it would be them, not Travis.  He hates kids and whats nothing to do with this baby, it would take way to much away from his "life style".  I know him on his habits.  He lost his job this time last year because he purchase the new expansion set of world or warcraft before it was allowed to be sold on the market (he worked at Best Buy).  Instead of being honest with his family, he told him they were down sizing and they had to let him go.  He goes moths without speaking to his family.  They constantly post on his myspace, "Mom and Dad are worried, all them!" or "Travis you still alive".  He secludes himself.  He likes to be alone, he likes his games, and other then eating thats all he does.  He doesn't share his business and only tells people things on a need to know basis.  He has told a couple of his friends that I did have the abortion.  No one nos about the baby but him.  He has told me in black and white, "You want this baby, and I don't" and that he was to busy to mess with the baby because he has to travel with his job.  He said he'd pay the child support, but made it clear he didn't want to be involved.  Like I said it would be his family not him and I have decided I'm not going to contact them.  I'd rather do it alone like I did with my son.  At 18 I'll tell it what I know and It will be between it and them to pursue a relationship.

Are you suggesting I should have been "smart" and terminated my pregnancy??  I take offense to that.  I do not under any circumstances believe that abortion is the right thing to do.  And I find it sad that people could support such a thing.

And I think anyone would be stupid to envy such a situation as mine.  So what was that suppost to mean?  Just a jab at me??  Who are you to look down or pass judgement on me?

[cantwait4baby]

I dont think anyone was trying to suggest an abortion it is just because there is an option out there and you made the right choice to keep your baby.  I remember you posting before about this guy.  I was never in your situation but I can say that I would just tell him look I am pregnant this child is yours.  You can be in his/her life or not.  Then if not go about your life raising your child on your own.  If he does then get along for the baby.  The fighting is not good for your children.  Relationships come 2nd when there are kids involved.  

I am unmarried and I live with and love my boyfriend very much BUT if he were ever to do something stupid I would not hesitate to just close the door behind him or even just turn away.  I would never fight in front of our daughter.  Even when we have stupid fights over who made the stain in the carpet we do it talking not yelling because she is there.

I think for the most part all of your advice above is that - put your children and yourself first.  He is the father and you told him so he does the next move.  If he is there to sign the birth certificate or wants a DNA test done then you can move forward with custody and child support.  If he wants to leave let him.  

Good Luck to you - you are very stressed - try to relax stress is not good for the baby.

[peekawho]

Couple of things, and then I'll leave this alone.

I didn't say you should have had an abortion.  I said that you had a choice, and you made it.  You are having a baby, this persons baby.  

I'm not judging.  Judging would be if I said "You are a bad person" or "You are ruining someones life".  I said nothing of the kind.  I said you made a choice to have a baby.  That is not judging someone.  I said I don't envy you.  I don't.  I've been there, done that.  I made a a choice too, once upon a time.  My son did not have the easiest life, thanks to my choice.  He still doesn't, to this day and he's in his 20's.  

You came on this particular thread asking for "advice".  Its even in the title of the thread.  My advice is to try to make the best of this bad situation, and to try to give your children a stable and caring home.  If that can happen with this man's input into their lives, that's wonderful.  If there is animosity and fighting, that's not good for the child.

Its unfortunate that this particular childs natural child will not likely choose to be a part of his or her life, b/c that would be the ideal situation.  But given the type of person he is, that's not likely to happen.  Now its up to you to shoulder all the burdens, as you have done before.

I find it odd that you now say that you are 99.9% sure he won't be involved at all with the child, and you seem very much ok with that.  In your original post, you certainly were frustrated, angry, and VERY much involved with caring about what he's doing, what he's earning, the fact that he isn't being supportive, and the fact he considers the baby a "nasty secret".  In fact, you even ask if you should expose his "secret" to his family.  

In this last post, you act like he will just mail the checks and go away.  So what exactly, are you asking?   What are your concerns?  That's what I'm confused about.

I won't have any furthur comments.  I'm sure you will be relieved.  You will find plenty of support here on Medhelp, and won't need to hear advice from anyone like me.   Again, as  in my last response to you, I wish you the very best of luck.

[melimeli]

I think if you see a guy that doen't take care on one child of his that is no man to be with... sorry you didn't take that as a sign and now your little baby has to deal with him as a father as well... two babies scared with a bad parent... sad


oh and there is always a chance to give that baby a two parent loving home... If you really want the best for your baby there are many couples waiting for an angel to adopt...

[BabyHardiman]

You will be fine without him.  Don't lose focus of what is most important in your life.  You have made the right decision and God wanted this little baby to be in your life, that is why he is in your womb against all odds.  This is your little miracle.  Cherish every minute of it!  =)  

[BabyHardiman]

By the way, I wasn't meaning to assume the baby is a boy.  =)  I refer to mine as a boy all the time... don't know why.. guess just following the order by which we were created.  =)

[Mom2be530]

Thanks you for your support.  I've been really sad, but God's gonna take care of me and I just have to trust that.  Its ok about calling it a boy, I have a sone and I say the samething.  I'll let you know what I findout what I'm having.  : ) Thanks again