So I always think it is bad when people post about their life, but you guys have been so helpful with everything else...so here it goes. Oh and feel free to give any advice.
So my husband is a really great father to our son and has always been fairly helpful with things and even more helpful if I ask. The thing is he talks on his cell phone constanly and I have noticed an increase in it. Most his conversations are business related (which I cant get too mad because he is on call 24/7, literally he is the only one answering the phones), but sometimes he will bring that call into basic chit chat. The times he is not on business calls he is talking about his hobby...which is very closely related to the line of work he does. So I feel I am constantly hearing the same thing but just to various people. Now that we have our baby, it is getting more and more difficult to get direct time with him. He will be on the phone from the time he gets home....holds the baby for a bit, while on the phone....go to dinner, get interrupted by another phone call....and it goes on and on. He laughed at me the other day because I plugged my ears while we were in the car, because I got so tired of hearing about his hobby (and also only hearing one side of a convo is really annoying too)!
So here is where I need advice. I wrote him an email, because it was the only way I could document all the important events he missed out on because of his phone use, all of the dinners that have been interrupted or missed and all off the potential time he could miss with his son and me. He never responded and I had to bring it up once I got home. His response was so I cant do anything about it...not sorry you feel that way, or I will try to spend less time on it. I feel I am in a fragile state because I am not feeling very keen of myself lately (after stretching out from a baby) and I feel I am less important in his life...and all the random conversations he has are more important.
Am I just over reacting or is this a legit feeling...what else could I say to him to get the point across that I feel this is ruining our marriage (without saying it is ruining our marriage)? It is already hard enough having a new baby and keeping a marriage afloat, but there is literally no personal time with us.
I understand that your DH is on call 24/7 but I tell my DH to turn his phone off, I did it last night as a matter of fact...I work during the day and when I get home and we are together I want that to be our time, the calls my DH gets are about nothing at all, and its really aggravating.
Maybe you could approach it another way. I agree and I have been in your shoes. Try something a little different. Obviously we can't keep him off the phone. Maybe you could plan something special, a little alone time or something. With his agreement though. You could tell him you feel like the two (or three of you need some time). Plan something and make it clear that you need him to give you the time sans phone. Maybe start out with twenty minutes or so. Just explain that you need him to try to keep the conversation on task when he is on the phone during certain times. See if he'll go for it. Let him pick the amount of time and the periods of time that would be most convenient for him. That way he's more apt to go along with it willingly. It may take some time to get him used to keeping the schedule he made. But once he does you could gradually get him to agree to more. So that he will see the value in it. If he doesn't, then his priorities are not very clear. Another empowering thing for you to do, might be to develop more interests which don't involve him. The reason I say this, is that if he sees you enjoying yourself, he may feel like he should pay better attention when you are available. I used to love taking my daughter on long walks. Just the two of us. It used to make my husband a little more attentive when we got back. And it will add to your relationship with your baby. Maybe he'd miss you and want to go along!! Good luck!
Oh Kayla...I love the second plan of attack, I love empowering. However I do go on walks, and go shopping, and meet up with friends, every once in a while....he doesnt seem to mind. I think he enjoys me having a life of my own so I dont have to rely on him that much...so I dont stress him out if I am upset he is on the phone.
To shed some more light on the situation: I think the reason why the phone issue came up is because I have been very short tempered with him and I was searching within myself why...because I hate being a *B*. Then I realized it is always when he is on the phone and it melts over to when he is off of it to now.
Another thing I am hurt about...but cant change cause it is done with is, he went into work the day I had the baby...well after I delivered and only for a few hours, but at the same time my family left the hospital and I was all by myself...granted I was with my adorable baby which I couldnt take my eyes off of. Then to top it off, he met up with my family for appitizers after he left work...he called and asked if it would be okay and I said yes.....but looking back I was so tired and out of my mind I didnt care, but IMO I wouldnt have left him I would have stay by his side night and day!
So I guess I am also upset he is just so insensitive...but the apple doesnt fall far from the tree! No excuse!
Oh goodness you sound just like me. My fiance is a personal trainer and is constantly text messaging people. I get sooooo irritated, I can just scream. I feel the same way, that why do you have to interact with other people when you are with me. I really don't care all the time, the only time I really get annoyed is when we are out to eat and he's doing it right when he's sitting having a conversation with me. Although, he stops and texts people and our conversation ends. I have this look now that I give him to let him know that I'm p-i-s-s-e-d off. No matter how many times I've told him I hated it, he still manages to do it. So I know exactly what you're going through. I also understand the insecurity after having a baby. My belly is all stretched out and saggy and I just don't feel as attractive as I used to. The day I gave birth my fiance said he was tired and left me at the hospital at like 6 pm, when he could've stayed until midnight. He said he wanted to sleep but yet he found the strength to go to his cousin's house to watch movies. I was so angry that he could leave me all alone and go hang out. I didn't mind bonding with my son either but it's such a new experience that you want your significant other to be there with you. Plus, with the hormones racing the post partum kicks in quickly. My fiance didn't even buy me flowers...how messed up is that.
As far as your dh, well I would do what Kayla said and schedule some family time. Tell him the phone has to be set aside. I'm sure a few voicemails wouldn't hurt, unless he's an on-call doctor. But otherwise he needs to separate his busines from his personal life.
What flowers?!?! I never got flowers either!! Dang! I read in Parent magazine some husbands give their wifes ellaborate "push" presents....for pushing out the baby!
Oh, Also when he isnt on the phone he texts or emails people....thank god for blackberrys what would people do without instant email/ text messaging and phone at their finger tips!
So new developments...since I quit talking to him last night about it because I was so mad, he emailed back. Basically saying his job provides for our family...which I would say he contributes 6/10 and I contribute 4/10....but I work 6am-3pm...after that I am off completely, so if we count how much we get paid/working hour I get paid more But anywho he emailed a short email afterwards and said he will cut out some of the **** calls. Which is good, but I guess I would have liked him to say something from the movies...like "your right honey I have been neglecting you, you deserve all of my attention, because you are the light and the love of my life and how could anyone ignore such a beautiful woman".....HAHA! It will never happen, in my dreams!
Yes, I think that is in our dreams only. Some women get expensive push presents. It would have been nice to acknowledge the work that comes from giving birth. I guess that does only happen in the movies as well.
Sometimes I want to take his phone out of his hands and smash it against the wall. Do you think that would be wrong?...lol.
Well hopefully, even though you "forced" him into paying attention to his family, he will do it just to please you. Men - UGH!!!!
Yeah, he is only doing it to please me not because he thinks somethink is wrong with it.
LMAO, in my original email I said to him....You may think I am crazy but I keep having visions of me throwing your phone out the car window, smashing it with a bat, or just throwing it in our back yard, so the spriklers could damage it over time (SUFFER CELL PHONE, SUFFER!! Buahhhhaaaahhh) But it isnt the blackberrys fault, it is the user!
So I am off to Hollywood to marry my dream man...thank god it is only about an hour from me!
I just wanted to add a comment about the push present. I had my daughter the day before my bday. When it was my bday we were at the hospital still, my step daughters bday was the next day but I had my mom at home getting her a cake and finishing up wrapping her presents to bring it all to the hospital so we could give her stuff. We had $20 on us and my husband left to go get dd, he said he was gonna stop at the store leading me to believe since I just had a baby and it was my bday he was gonna get me something. But instead he shows up with a $20 cake for dd. I was sooo mad, my mom was bringing her a cake!!! No pushing gifts or bday gifts for me.
What is up with men. Geez...I just think they really dont think about things. I am going to teach my son differently. It probably wont get through to him....but maybe if I start now at 5 months he will understand by the time he is 30. LOL!!
BTW, all is patched up with DH and I. NO MORE CELL PHONE!! Yay...well it will be limited to only work and he will try to make them abreviated!
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