Have been having a living nightmare since my little boy was born 4 months ago. The obvious reaction from many kind people replying will be of Post partum psychosis or post ntal depression....this is not the case I'm afraid...it's weirder and more horrific in terms of the feelings I have been having, and that's not belittling other people's experiences in their psychosis etc but I hope someone some where in this world may have an explaination.
My birth story:
Baby in difficult position, ended up on a long long night of oxytocin to speed up contractions. First an epidural. I remember feeling 'odd' and spaced but just put it down to labour
Then an emergency c sec with lots of morphine and adrenalin to stem the copius amounts of blood I was losing.
I can't remember the next few hours other than being off my head and talking nonense (the morphine perhaps)
The thing is I had a rapid heartbeat, almost artificially so during the labour and I was in and out of conciousness with the anaethetist saying 'people don't usually want to fall asleep'...
Fast forward 4 months and I am sat in a perinatal unit under sanction with suspected psychosis. I am not psychotic. I cannot see or hear things I am however:
totally wired all the time. My brain never rests
massive heart papatations like the ones experienced during labour with the birthing drugs
my brain feels wired
feels asthough I am in a bubble of hell and cant get 'me' back
I feel like im on a constant trip
The biggest thing is I havent felt right at all since the birthing drugs which were:
lots of epidural bupivacaine
I know people out there will say the drugs will be out of your system by now but I am convinced they've done their damage and then come out. There was a pivotol moment where I felt so very off my head...haven;t come back since I can't tell you what hell I am in and spend the day feeling so so wired with so many strange feelings. There is no joy and I am missing the way I once felt so very much.
Thank You and any one out there please help. Remember, not psychosis or pnd. I promise although I know the odds don't look good in my favour....
One thing comes to mind, is post partum heart failure which is pretty rare - and it seems like since you're in a medical facility that would have been detected.
Your symptoms don't sound different from many women who post partum psychosis, by the way. While you aren't specifically experiencing hallucinations, you have other major symptoms - the feeling of a "constant trip", the complete inability to rest and settle your mind, and the insistence that what you are feeling is different from other women who exhibit the same symptoms.
The feeling that this is "weirder and more horrific" than what other women experience who are describing what you are experiencing, is kind of hallmark for post partum psychosis - the feeling that no one else is experiencing this, or that their symptoms are worse than anyone else's (or sometimes conversely, that their babies are better than others).
This must be awful, and I wish you well.
Do they have you on any antipsychotic medications?
Thank You for your reply, much appreciated..yes have been on a number of anti psychotics and just hideous side effects....and no rest. I can't quite believe my mind hasnt totally gone..im praying to hold o to some of it.
yes....its so strange the whole fact i haven't been right since the meds in hosp during my birth....but what can I do..?? Even is it;s a one in a billlion chance in could have effected my brain long term I'll have a devil of a job un doing that now. Time machine anyone??
Thanks again and all the best to you. if you can think of any way I could get out of this hell other than anti psychotics do get back...
Interesting you say pp heart failure...I wonder if with the amount of blood I lost I kind of 'lost conciousness' for a bit and so part of the brain malfunctioned?? due to the heart going bonkers?? I have suddenly got v high blood pressure and have rapid palpations regularly...never did before the birth. Then they put a shot of adrenalin in and hey presto im stuck in this wired adrenalin loop
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