Pregnancy or College???

Hi ALL,

This is my first post here and i'm really hoping someone out here could help me make a right choice.

I'm 25 and have PCOS. I have had irregular periods for as long as i remember; hirsutism and acne. I have dealt with every thing patiently so far...but now i have a big problem. I have to start Dental school which is going to take good four yrs and not to mention the amount of money and stress in it. I'm so stuck at this moment- i have an admission to go to dental school but i am worried that if i push having babies too far it would get harder getting pregnant then.

I spoke to my husband and mom and they said it was upto me. I'm unable to make this decision-should i go to school or have baby(because i'm not sure how long its going to take for me to get pregnant). My doctor says its ok to have baby after school. My cousin took the same advice and she is still trying even after 4yrs.

I'm in a lot of stress and depression right now and unable to decide between kids and career. Please help me by letting me know what you think is right for me, with the experience you have...
Very eagerly waiting for your advice.

[reema]

Thanks for the reply. I know i can provide a better life if i finish school first, but my problem is what if my pcos gets worse over these years. What should i ask my dcotor if i plan to have babies after 4 yrs? I know i'm asking you very very basic things but please let me know.

[missie69]

Think of your problem like this- can we live on one main income if I do not go to school. What kind of job will you get.   I never went to school so we live on one income and I am glad to stay home with my kids. That was my choice before I even got married.  You and your dh have to sit down and decide what kind of life you want.   good luck and keep us posted.

[1twinmom]

Hi, did your Dr. give you any stats on the chances of your condition worsening? If he/she is not a fertility expert you could go to one for a consult. 25 is young and I would vote for you going to school. I would be afraid you'd have a lot of regrets if you didn't and the financial security you'd have would only be a plus for your future family. My dad went back to Dental School and graduated the same month I was born and I was child #5. I know it's a big decision but try not to get too depressed about it. Hang in there and let us know what you decide.

[newlywed05]

I am currently in nursing school. I am in a compressed program. The stress is unbelievable. I got pg last November, it was an unplanned pg. I went through then what you are going through now. I felt like I had this huge decision to make, and the wrong one could mess up the rest of my life. I have weighed the pros and cons of both sides. Unfortunately, that pg ended in miscarriage at the begining of my 4th month. I was just getting excited about being pregnant, and used to the idea. I think it took the miscarriage for me to realize what is most important in my life. I want to be a mom above all else. That is why I have chose to put pregnancy before college. I am able to take a year off without penalty, and pickup from where I left off. I have wanted to be a nurse sinse I was a little girl. I still want to be a nurse. I know I will get there some day soon. I only have a year and a semester left when I do go back. I have an extremely supportive family and know they will help when the time comes for me to go back. It took a miscarriage for me to realize what was most important in my life. I hope this helps you make a decision.

[rodeo58623]

I am currently going to college, for a Bachelors degree in Accounting. I have been going since 2001. Well I have two girls ages 6 and 2 and I have been going to school since the 6 yearold was 1. I just found out today that I am pg again with our third child after I had my tubes tied 2 years ago. Everything looks fine. I am stilling going to school. If you put your mind to it you can do anything and everything you would like. Even going to school with a baby. It is hard but you just priotize and things go great.
Good Luck

[first time mama]

I vote baby:)  I have a masters degree and I worked really hard to get it and I just turned 25.  We are now trying to get prego after a m/c and then I won't even use the degree I worked for 6 years to get b/c I want to be a stay at home mom.  I enjoyed college but all I have ever really wanted is to be a mom!  But you have to do what is best for you.........

[navywife41305]

HI..im in a somewhat similiar situation, except ill be only in school for another 2 years if i decide to go full-time. Im under a lot of stress as well..i have a job teaching 2-4 year olds and i love it! but the pay sucks. And my husband and I really want to start TTC..right now we're having fun and if we get a BFP then great. i want to go back to school and get my B.S. in deaf education, but i also want to be a stay at home mom...which with DH in the navy isnt really going to work out..he isnt making enough right now for me to not work. Id like to go back to school full-time, but that means quitting my full-time teaching job and taking a part-time **** job...and then there is the option of just keeping my job, having a baby and making due on our income till he either gets promoted or finds a higher paying job after the navy. he has about 3 years left and we dont really want to wait that long to ttc. i know it would be hard, especially since we dont have any family or a good support system anywhere near us, but i know we could manage.  let me know what you decide to do...and what made you choose to do that, maybe it could help me out as well?? (sorrie this is so long)

[wantingtobepg]

i would lean towards a baby.  i went to school and then had my kids.  i stay at home with them because i don't want to miss out and i don't want to have to pay most of my wage to a daycare.  i am now paying student loans for the training that i am not using.  i wouldn't want to miss the chance to be able to have kids.  if you think that it is going to be a problem i would definitely start trying now.  i sure you will make the right choice for you, good luck!

[reema]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It made me feel so good that i cannot explain in words.
I dont have much time to decide and i will let you all know for sure about my decision what so ever. Tomorrow i'm going to see my doctor and i will see what she has to say. Also, i will try to go to a fertility specialist. Thanks for the idea it didnt occur to me.

Hi missie69 n rodeo58623, I wish i could make a decesion like you both did. Things arent so easy though at my end. I have a chance right now in my hands which my parents dont want me to loose. They as any parents want to be proud about their daughter being a dentist. Coming to me i want both (dental n kids) equally and unable to choose one. Like rodeo said any thing is possible if we are strong but dental school is way too hectic to handle kids and studies. I hope i can make up my mind like you both.

Hi 1twin mom, I want to agree with you so much. Even though i worked very hard to get into dental school, I am unable to enjoy my success. I didnt plan well. In every interview i attended they asked me how would i imagine myself five yrs from now? I just gave them a very impressive answer every time. Now i truly understand how important it is to plan ahead. Please do give me ideas if you get any.

Hi Newlywed05, I'm in a similar situation like you. Even i dreamed of being a dentist since i had my own dental treatment. Its nice that you can go back to complete your studies. In my case if i dont get into school this time it will get harder because competition is increasing day by day.

Hi first time mama, It was very nice to see your vote. I have dreamed about being a mom all my life. I never thought i would have to make this decision between my career and kids. At the end of the day i know family comes first. Should i have baby or do something about my life...i still dont know.confused.

Hi Navy wife 41305,
I understand what you must be going through. I am sort of in the same boat. Right now my husband has a decent salary. He had reponsibilities all his life. He has always lived for his family settled his sister and parents. Now my going to school adds a lot of financial pressure as our tuition fees are very high. He is asking me to have a baby and do school after 2 yrs. I think he deserves some peace too in his life. In my family all are doctor and enggs they find my problem very simple. When i asked them this it only took them a nano sec to make a decision which was dont think too much-go to school first. Thats how things are with my family and with my husband. Hope i will make a decision i wont regrett.

[ni-ki]

in my own opinion i would go to school i am 23 yrs old and have a new born and its probably the hardest thing i have never had to do. Its something that keeps me sooooo busy 24/7 and i have no idea when you would have time to go to school. I think having a steady career is a good start to starting a family. But that is my opinion... Good luck with your decision i am sure you will make the right one

[myproblem]

I agree with missie69, first time mama, and wantingtobepg. Do you really want to work so hard to concieve (conceive) a child, and then have to put your sweet baby in someone else's hands 9 hours a day. Do you really want to miss the first everything your child does? I gave up a decent paying job that I really loved. We live in a nice house, but nothing fancy. We drive used cars, although they're not bad. We chose to have a little less money than we could've had. I have my beautiful daughter with me every day all day. I never get tired of her. Her first smile, first words, first steps, were all with me by her side. If you spend 4 years and $$$$$$ on dental school, and then have a baby, then what? I think you should really value your husband's idea to ttc now, and do school in a couple of years. There is nothing wrong with waiting for a career until your kids are at least in elementary school. I know you feel you will disappoint your parents, but they will get over it as soon as they hold your baby in their arms. The bottom line is that your parents love you, and want you to be happy and fulfilled. If school, and a career are really very important to you, then maybe parenthood is not your best choice. You will never regret spending your time on your children, I doubt the same can be said for college, no matter how valuable education may be.

[npd]

Don't feel like you have to choose.  If you and your DH are both committed to being parents, you can have both your career and be a wonderful mom.  I admire moms who choose to stay home until their kids start elementary school.  I also admire moms who aren't afraid to admit that they want a career as well.  I'm 29 years old, I have a Masters degree in Medical Physics, and work as a medical physicist in radiation oncology.  I have a challenging, secure, financially and intellectually rewarding job.  I also have two beautiful children.  My son (my eldest) was 5 months old when I defended my Masters.  He's now four, and my daughter is 3.  I am done work by 4 o'clock every day.  My children don't go to daycare - my husband works outside of my work hours, so they are always with one of us.  I have never missed a doctor's appointment, soccer game or dance rehearsal.  I routinely meet them at the park on my lunch hour, and have the flexibility to take an afternoon off to go to the beach, and then go back and work a few extra hours while they sleep that night.  They are my first priority.  I LOVE my job.  I love my children much, much more.  They are my reason for existing.  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE.  Whether you have a baby now, and go to school after, or get your degree now and then have a baby, you and DH will find a way to make it happen.  Don't put all this enormous pressure on yourself - at 25 years old, you have plenty of time to get your degree, and then have children.  You could also have a baby first, but then remember it's a whole lot harder to study when you could be playing with the baby.  Do what feels right to you.  But please, please, please, don't feel like you can't be a mother just because you also want a career.  When your little ones are in school (and believe me, it comes quickly - we only have one more year before our son starts kindergarten!), and as they get older, you will be glad that you can offer them not only financial security (which I really don't believe should be the primary motivation - as long as you have food and a roof over your head you will be happy.  I don't work for the money), but also the confidence to go after their dreams, believe they can be anything they want, and be proud of you for following yours.  Good luck.

[npd]

I wanted to add one more thing - you can get the degree and not necessarily work right away.  After I defended my masters, I stayed home for a year and a half with my son, and stayed home until my daughter was a year old.  THEN I started work at the clinic I'm in now, while DH took over the 8-4 shift at home.  I didn't miss those precious first steps, first words or even first artwork on the walls. :)  I'm pregnant with our third (and probably last) child now, and will stay home for a year this time as well (we get a year's mat leave in Canada).  So you could finish dental school, get your degree, then stay home for a year or even five, before working.... just an idea.  I really wish you luck and know that others understand the struggle to balance home and work.

[BlueBirdSchless]

I think you will be fine to wait. Now, this is coming from smeone who has no idea what ?psos? is, so I dunno. But I do know that four years is nothing! It goes by so fast. My youngest will be four in October and I can't even beleive it! I'm 21 and stay home with them, but for the first time ever I'm thinking, wow, I wish I could do something career-wise that I could enjoy, architect, interior design, designer, ext ext, art stuff. So my goal is, to be able to fit in school by the time my youngest is in school. Which, I havn't even had my youngest yet, but it will be crazy!!!! When kids are in the early years their minds are just hungry for learning and I love giving them alm my time and showing them new things and seeing things the way they see them, I don't know how I could even handle school and let go of that, once they are in school I will have time, but by then I will be 30.

[BlueBirdSchless]

Sorry, I wasn't done, my dh was going to work so I had to go for a second. Anyways, I was just going to say, that my cousin just had her fist baby at age 30. She wasn't trying not to have kids, they just didnt have a lot of sex, but she went to school before and is really succesful w/ creative memories and photography, it's really neat, and now that she has her baby she seems mature and confident, not like I was with my first, and she handles her carreir very well with a little one. I applaud woman who can wait, it's just better to be more secure in yourself so that you can be just that for your kids! It's hard on kids if you are not stable for them. My dad was very unstable trying to go through college when we were young, he never had any time for us! Obviousley I'm not just talking about financialy, but ya know, if being a dentist is something that is a part of you, you wont be complete without it.

[emma10]

I feel like maybe you're looking for someone to tell you it's okay to choose either one or the other. Or that you're not going to feel guilty one way but yes the other.

If you are already accepted to dental school, you have worked very hard already in college because it is a highly competitive field and you have to study a lot just to get in. If you give up the school for a baby, and later it's hard (you'll never KNOW if it is harder than how hard it would have been even at 25)-- you might regret that.  If you try for baby now and either have lots of problems, then baby or lots of delay and no baby--or something goes wrong with relationship and you need to be independent and can't support yourself--you might regret that choice.  

It seems you need to listen to YOUR heart b/c you're the only one who knows you. I'll tell you on my side but take it with a grain of salt.  I had 2 babies WHILE in grad school, during the last 3 years of my PhD (dissertation writing). I basically blew the possibility of being at a first-rate research institute because a lot of times I couldn't do conferences or even hang out with colleagues I needed to, let alone publish anything but my diss.  I found that I felt I was doing BOTH poorly sometimes--being a mom, being a Ph.D.--so at that point I ALWAYS opted for being a better mom. (Your books don't look at you with big brown eyes and beg you to come catch bugs). If you're going to combine the two (and I did have a very flexible schedule and never used daycare in school, only later as prof)--I'd say the number one factor in being ABLE to combine is to have a fully supportive partner who will be "mom" when you can't.  (Mine wasn't that and it destroyed the marriage; I now have one who IS and it makes a world of difference).  And now that I live in a small town at a second-rate university where I teach but don't do much research/conferences, I'd have to say it's the best combination with children anyway.  I don't regret any of my choices now--I am financially stable, have beautiful children I have spent LOTS of daytime hours with (due to flex schedule), can make most field trips, get to get them free tuition and if I have to take them to work, it's a very family -friendly environment.  Good luck looking into your OWN motivations.  One last point, you can always drop out of dental sch. if you don't like it but if you have a baby when you're not sure, that's a lifetime 24/7 commitment.

[greenpixie]

I say do both.  Like you already mentioned, you have no idea it will take you to conceive.  No one has any idea.  I don't think you should put school on hold b/c you may or may not get pregnant right away.  Go to school and don't focus to hard on TTC, but don't try to prevent it.  If you do get pregnant while in school then you can address that issue when it comes.  Best of luck to you!

[mammasita]

Ill keep it short. COLLEGE! You are so young. You will be ok...

[Jenny77]

This disicion is totally up to you and your dh.  However, my honest opinion would be to go to school now and see what happens with babies as it comes. My DH is in his Ph.D. right now (first year out of a 4 year program) and we are pregnant right now, I am due in Nov. I am also going to apply for a Masters degree program for next year when our baby will be almost 1 year old. Life is just so unpredictable and you never know if you'll get pregnant right away or if it will take time. We were'nt planning on having kids until after his program was done in 3 more years, but things happen and you can always change your mind if you get 2 years into your program. One good thing is that pregnancy is 9 months, so even if you get pregnant the first month of your program, you still have time to finish the first year. It would be a very good thing if your DH was very supportive of whatever you do too, if your not on the same page, that can really cause problems. There are so many people who are making it work, education and having kids, so please don't just blow it off and say that it is impossible. It may be harder, but it is definitely doable. I wish you the best of luck.
I grew up in a very low income, single Mom home and education was always a big priority for all of my siblings and I. It really does give your children a better life too. I think Dentistry can be a very flexible career too so you could probably even choose a lot of your own hours depending on the type of practice you are in. I'm sure whatever you decide will turn out fine, just make sure that you won't regret whichever choice you make, make sure you are at peace with either choice before you go fullhearted into it.

[Jenny77]

Just one more thing. I hate to sound so morbid but I will just say this too. I got pregnant unexpectedly the spring before my DH and I were to move across the country to start his Ph.D program last year. To make a long story short, we actually made the decision pretty early on that we would not go to the Ph.D because we didn't think it could work, living on his meager stipend etc and having a baby. Then in June last summer, I found out I had a miscarriage. It was a very intense and horrible time but we made the desicion again to move away and thank goodness we could still go and the Ph.D. was still an option. I got pregnant again in January and am 20 weeks now , there are a lot of struggles with DH in his Ph.D. and where is the money going to come from but it has all worked out so far and we're sure it will continue to be ok.
What I'm trying to say is even if you find out you are pregnant right away, my suggestion is to wait at least until after the first trimester to make any major desicions. I wish nothing but the best for you, but as in my case, you just can never tell what is going to happen. I truly think that my dh is supposed to get his Ph.D. now and I wish that we would ahve been that willing to just go ahead last year to no matter what happened. I think it will also help us to give our children many more opportunities in the future by him being in school now. If I get the opportunity to go back for a Masters in a year or so, I probably will take it too.

[Young Adult]

I know exactly how you feel. I already have a 2 year old and I'm in college. Though sometimes it is a struggle doing both I couldn't be happier. Now i am ready for another one but i don't know if i should stick to school or have another baby. I have been trying to get pregnant lately but nothing. So my advice to you would be to follow your heart set. Which could you live without a child or a degree. Keep in mind you can always go back to school whenever you want but you can't always make a baby whenever you want. Your husband could help you out with the duties while you are in class. You have many options. Don't give up yet.

[CP in BR]

I agree with have2kids and greenpixie. You don't know how long it may or may not take to conceive, so don't pass up this chance now. Make it an "i'll cross that bridge when i come to it" kinda thing. Maybe if you get a year under your belt (which will only take 3 mos. ttc + your pg), it will be easier to get in when you're ready to come back...if you're ready to come back. You may decide that being a mom is more important to you and then you don't have to face years of school loans! Or you decide that your wonderful and supportive family can help you through school when you go back. It won't be easy, but you seem like a pretty determined individual - i think you can handle it!

Side note: It's a lot easier to talk to people about their situations, than to make up your own mind. I'm 19wks pg and as long as i can remember it's been my dream to stay at home with our kids. Now that the situation is here, it's hard to give up my (decent) income and know that sometimes we may live month to month. We've got a pretty good bit in savings, but if we have to tap into it, it will disappear quickly. I think that it's finally time for me to let go of the safety net and reach for what i really want, but WOW is that hard...

[reema]

Hi ALL,

I appreciate all your replies again. Each of you made me think in a different way and i felt so glad i posted my problem here.
Now i understood why they say that sometimes two heads are better than one:) Well, i am still stuck with my problem. I spoke to my husband he wants baby and he says he wouldnt mind giving up little comfort and financial security we would get if i finish school first. He will never be happy if we get too busy to raise kids well and so do I. Coming to my parents they think if I finish my education now and have kids things will be easier. I forgot to tell you that i'm already a dentist but to practise in US i need to go to school again to get my license. I love my profession but my family always comes first. Thats the reason why i'm thinking so much- should i finish what i started or should i think of taking a break and having a baby?

I just got back from my gyn and she said even now or at 28 i will have the same challege. She said she wouldnt get scared abt infertility and have baby now.

I am changing my mind every time i talk to my husband and parents. I am still scared to explore and see what i really want....or i dont know if i lack foresight in my life.

[CP in BR]

First let me say i'm very much a mama and daddy's girl. I go to my parents with all kinds of stuff, but this is one decision that really needs to come from you and your husband. Your parents opinions matter a lot, but he is the one that you chose to love, honor and cherish. I'm not saying give in to what he wants without weighing your feelings, but if you and he are on the same page then you've already got your decision. Best of luck!!

by the way, what country do you practice in and how much more school is required?