Pregnant w/ Lying Partner

I'm looking for advice or comments on how you would feel or what you would do in the following situation:  I found out this week that I'm pregnant (accidental/from pre-ejaculate).  My partner and I have known each other and been involved for a short period of time.  After I confirmed with my doctor that I am pregnant I called the father and told him (after calling seven times with unreturned calls) at 7 a.m.  I found out that he's been lying about who he is and other facts of his life.  (His response to me wanting to know the truth about who he "really is" was, "after the baby is born."

I'm struggling with whether I should terminate the pregnancy because, at this time, I don't think I can count on this person to be a responsible parent and if I don't even really know who he is - what else will come up during the pregnancy.  I don't want to have a child who doesn't have a father in his or her life since I know what that is like.

I'm at a point in my life where I would like to have a child and have the ability to take care of one on my own, but a child needs a father - I know from experience.  I'd just like the opinion of others.

[BabyHardiman]

How far along are you?

It seems you are pretty intelligent, and you got that way without a father, right?  

What could he be hiding that would warrant an abortion?  You call him your "partner", so you two are still together, right?

With this little bit of info it is VERY HARD for ANYONE to give advice on "terminating" your baby..................

[ZevasMom]

This is very personal to me, and probably to a lot of women on here, I believe that if you don't want to parent this child, that you should at least give the baby a chance.  Please consider adoption.  My husband and I are currently looking into adoption, and there are many wonderful couples that would love to parent your baby... You say that you want a child to have a father, then let an adoptive couple have that chance.  Keep in mind that many adoption agencies have changed, and you have the option for open adoption.  

[tiredbuthappy]

you say you are ready for a child at this point in your life but would consider termination simply because you will not have a relationship with the man you conceived with? i'm sorry, but that logic doesn't sound right to me.

do you feel you would have been better off not being born simply because you don't have a father? don't you think you are strong enough to raise a child? and who is to say that you won't meet someone who will be like a father to a child? i know plenty of people who would have been better off NOT knowing their father.

i personally am pro-choice, and it is your decision, but think about what you are saying. i just don't see justifying an abortion in this situation.

[babybabybaby]

My question was not regarding your logic, but the situation.  Your comment seems more concerned with the thought of "termination" and the fact that you are pro-choice, which I don't judge.  Every woman must do what is best for them and what they would see as being the best for a baby they would bring into this world.

I'm looking at the big picture - not the short term.  If I were a selfish individual, I would have this baby because I love children and want a baby; I wouldn't consider any other factors.  However, that is not what I do.

[babybabybaby]

Best of luck to you and your husband.  As per my post, there are two options: to have a baby as a single parent or to terminate the pregnancy.  I am not considering adoption.  Again, I respect and am happy for all of those who choose to continue with their pregnancies, but know that all situations are different.

[dbestone]

what you should do is think of the big picture. without the father, and decide if YOU, and only you are capable of raising this child on your own. thats the only thing that matters. if you feel you are, then scratch dude out the picture. go on without him. it'll be his loss. im not sure if this is your first or not, and if you expected things to be different, but this is reality. that fairy tale life is soooo over rated these days. sometimes things dont work out as planned, and thats when you have to resort to different measures. think about things long and hard before making your decision. the last thing you want is regrets. and thats with whatever you choose. good luck!

[babybabybaby]

Thank you very much for your advice.

[rayza9]

As far as I can see it... you can't trust most men....most, there are those few. I happen to have one of those few finally....but to terminate a pregnancy just for the lack of a father reason is just a personal thing. There are so many people that have grown up happy and strong that didn't have a father. Maybe you could find another man that doesen't have a problem with taking on responsibility for a child not his own. I did.
I had an abortion when I was 18, I am now 36 and feel just as guilty about it than I did the day it was done. Think long and hard before you act. This is no-longer just your life you hold in your hands.

[JoyRenee]

My advice to you, and this is purely my opinion, is to find out everything you can about abortion (procedures, risks, the aftermath, etc.). Try reading stories from women who've been through this as well. There are some stories on www.hopeafterabortion.com.

http://www.healingafterabortion.org/
http://www.afterabortion.info/

You do not have to make a decision today, so try to find out everything you can before making a choice. Many women forget to think about how this will be for them emotionally. There is great trauma that Planned Parenthood (or whomever you'd go to) won't tell you about.

Anyway, if you ever want to chat, have someone to bounce ideas off, feel free to message me anytime. My name is Joy.

[babybabybaby]

Joy, Thanks for the advice and offer to chat; I may be taking you up on that offer very soon.  This is a very hard decision for me - harder than I thought it would be.  It could be the part of my personality that just wants things to be right and coping with the fact that they may not.

Again, thank you.

[JoyRenee]

No problem, hon. Please do feel free to message any time! I won't be bothered. I am a volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center so I may be able to answer some questions you may have. Again, please let me know! My door is always open.

[decogrl]

Unfortunately this is not the site to post this kind of question because most people on here are dying to have a child and cannot put themselves in your shoes to see what the long term effects may be.  If you feel in your heart someway there is a way to make it financially and emotionally with this child please try.  You are better off not having a father in this child's life if the father is an idiot --or whatever.  Think long and hard about it, what you can live with but DON"T let anyone pressure you to do anything you don't want to do.  It IS your choice not matter what anyone tells you.  It is not a pleasant situation but if you really do want a child, just think about your options.  There are places out there that can help women.  Again, I don't know what is the situation with your partner but if he is going to be a negative influence on your or your child, you need to get him out of your life BEFORE the child is born, if you chose to go that route.

Good luck

[tiredbuthappy]

"If I were a selfish individual, I would have this baby because I love children and want a baby; I wouldn't consider any other factors.  However, that is not what I do."

I am sorry, but I don't see how aborting this baby would be doing it any favors. If you love children and want a baby, I think you have your answer there. my concern about your logic and situation is that you would want to abort the baby simply because it won't have a father. So many women fall deeply in love with "the right guy" and he ends up disappearing as soon as the baby is born, or well before. Is there more to the story than you are revealing? if everything else in your life makes it possible to have a baby, i am not sure what the concern is. you can afford it, you love kids, you want kids. i am curious to know what traumatized you so much growing up without a father? is your family judgemental? (obviously you don't have to answer such personal questions- i'm just explaining my thought process). Of course it's hard to get a cocnrete read on someone via the internet, but honestly, you sound like an intelligent person. i actually can't believe i find myself feeling so strongly about this, because like I said, I generally am prochoice. But your story makes me feel like this is something you would strongly regret later on.

[CYW]

in my opinion... A "father" is just a name...anyone can be a father, as well as a mother-hence why some adopt or what not...you seem very capable...i am sorry you are going through this, however this is YOUR baby too...many guys are only donors..sadly:S you can have a guy in your child's life but without values of his own, etc what will this child do later on...he can't look up to his father as a role model if he is a certain way...I mean if you are trying to teach your child values and this guy..his "father" does otherwise and is "THERE" but either lying or not providing...etc...I would play it out by ear but keep the baby...it is still your baby too..and yeah guys say its more their baby because it came from them etc but whatever once you do the 9 months and give birth this is your baby...i believe from the sounds of you that you are capable of doing it...im sorry you came from a similar history background but...as long as that child has a loving and nurturing home...he or she is okay...they have more than they need..yes a father figure is nice but as i said anyone can say they are a father it is whether they can own up to the plate or not....good luck hun:)

[babybabybaby]

Thanks for your comment; as soon as the conversation was over, I considered him out of my life.  I've noticed from the subsequent posts that people here are dying to have children - and I don't blame them.  I tend to see situations from many different angles and it's clear that many people in this forum only see one.

I appreciate your input and advice.

[babybabybaby]

You wrote: "I am sorry, but I don't see how aborting this baby would be doing it any favors."

Children don't ask to be here; knowing such, as a person who would be bringing a child into this world, it's your job to try to give said child the best life and set of circumstances possible.  

I'm not considering aborting a baby, as you wrote, "simply because it won't have a father."  If you read the thread, my concern is not just that, it's about how the child will feel growing up and when he or she reaches a point that they want to know what happened (will they search for a real father and end up getting hurt?) or if he or she can truly be a happy individual.  Life is about more than having things.  The mental aspect of an individual is very important.  

Unfortunately, there are some who can only see the unconditional love of a baby.  I'm considering a lot more than that.  It's my love for babies and knowing how hard life can be that makes me need to choose.  What, right now, is considered a mass of cells will soon be an embryo with a heart-beat.  I'm taking this time to really try to do the right thing.  Hence my question to people who love children and could possibly provide objective reasoning regarding the situation instead of going to people who would say, "oh yeah, I'll set you up with an appointment right now.  Don't worry about it."  However, I was wrong about the "objective" part of the scenario.

I never said I thought I fell in love with "the right guy."  As a matter of fact, I never said I loved him at all (and that's unfortunate).

My intelligence is what makes me question what is the right choice to make; it doesn't make me less intelligent to consider the termination of a pregnancy (a/k/a to have an abortion).  Your "feeling so strongly about this" is interesting, but telling about who you are as a person - and that is fine - I'm quite sure your beautiful baby will benefit from your personality.

[waitingwithhope]

I am sorry you are going through this and have to face some tough decisions. I do think the toughest decisions in our lives give us an opportunity to be a hero sometimes, to choose what in your heart you feel is right and to trust God.

I honestly think no baby is here without a reason to be here. It is hard for you right now because you can not predict your future. You have no way of knowing what will happen ten years down the road so you have to do the best with what you know now.

Right now, you know so far that you have a pregnancy, that the biological father is not interested and that you know that this is life changing. Both abortion and keeping the baby is life changing and it seems like you are quite intelligent and know this.

However, don't let the overwhelming thought of having a child and raising it alone stop you if your heart is deep down telling you to hold onto your child. After all, this baby is part you--it has some of your personality, looks and intelligence and I bet your baby would totally understand why you chose to keep him or her and they would see you as quite selfless and loving for doing so.

Also...you don't know if some day down the road you will find someone who is wonderful and will accept you and your child as his own. Don't discount this. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and therefore I bet you will get the right guy someday too.

And, sometimes the most selfless thing you can do is chose adoption. That way, you will not have to raise them yourself but you can give them two parents and a loving family.

I do think you are trying to see this from your baby's perspective but don't forget that children, when raised by a great mom, can do great things. I would take the chance that you can be both mom and dad for a while and that God will provide you with a loving, wonderful husband and a father for this baby.

It sounds like you are very competent to raise a child and that you are very loving and I think your baby will pick up this loving trait too. And if he or she looks for their biological father and it doesn't work out, he/she won't blame you--because you will have raised a child who is stable, confident and mature enough to realize that we can not control the actions of others.

I hope this helps. Best of luck to you. You are strong enough to make whatever choice your heart knows you need to make.

[babybabybaby]

"Trust God" - my gut has been telling me the same thing since I found out I was pregnant.  It's always a struggle when trying to make a decision with my head versus my heart.  

Your reply touched me so much I can barely type my own reply.  I just want to thank you for your thoughts, advice, and taking the time to post regarding my situation.  I appreciate everything you've written.  

[waitingwithhope]

God will see you through this and never stop trusting your gut feelings...the reason we have those feelings is to guide us to the decision that is best for us, even if that decision is difficult or you have a million unanswered questions about it.

[CYW]

i think everyone here has been honest with you...tiredbuthappy tried to help as many others. i am not tryin to start somethin however this forum is full of women who are either trying to conceive or cannot have children so do not be offended if the majority of the women here are pro-choice..most have been through alot..just a fair warning before anymore debates would bein because these women here..from all over the world stick together and stick up for eachother, or so i have seen and they can all easily gang up...we have all at one point been there for one another and have seeked comfort and i am sure i speak for everyone but we will welcome anyone with open arms but not that we aren't welcoming you or juding you, but i guess from what i am gathering, you are asking for either experiences, opinions or thoughts on either terminating the pregnancy-which most will tell you no no-as well as i agree is no no to me but thats our opinions...but they will provide you with alot of info on single parent families...mothers raising their children alone..many here have done it or continue to do so or are going to in the near future...anyways i just thought i would share some slightly important information on what the women here are about...well the majority anyways:) best of luck with whatever you choose...all in all you need to decide what's best with you but that baby didn't ask to be here..obviously you didn't either but thats a risk you take ANYTIME you have sex with or without protection...i know im terrified of havin sex now...lol

[BabyHardiman]

Great advice and insight.  

[BabyHardiman]

We are far from a "gang", you should go back and read the debates that go on back and forth and you will see all of our differences.

[BabyHardiman]

Debating is fun.  =)

[babybabybaby]

Hey I'm not the one who confessed to ganging up on people - talk to CYW about that (I'll just add you to the list of gang members).  As far as the great advice and insight comment for tiredbuthappy (I'm holding off reservation as to whether that's gang chatter), that advice may be good for someone else, but not for me - the original poster.

We'll add you to the list of Great Debators.  :o)

[AndiJ78]

This is your decision, I don't think anyone here as disputed that by any means. You did ask for opinions and advice, even though it may not be what you expected or wanted. Of course it is impossible to know a person's situation based on the information they choose to reveal on a chat forum.

I see some are more apt to push for keeping the child (CPC is a Christian based organization that is Pro-Life and vehemently dogs PP and members can often be seen outside PP with their signs) some have been pro-choice but from my perspective have been trying to get more information and probably let you see that this would not be a huge injustice for your child to come into the world without the donor, and others are in the middle.

I am pretty conservative on the issue of two parents. But I am also pro-choice. Despite the assertion PP doesn't inform patients of the emotional effects of abortion, quite the opposite can be true. In the long run this is your choice and your choice alone. I think you have received a great deal of advice here, hopefully some of the "chatter' has helped you think of some things in a different light.

None of us need to know why you are contemplating your decision. None of us will be in your shoes. We have seen some amazing young women come on here is positions similar to yours. We have seen them make their decision, perhaps with a little support from others on here, and we have seen them make peace with that decision.

Abortion is a tough topic on here, but it is one that should not be stifled or pushed aside because it is unpopular.

I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

[CYW]

thank you heather...nothing is more amazing than being pregnant..i couldnt imagine 2 babies..how far along?

[ziggysgrl0724]

i just read though MOST of the posts on this thread and am deciding to throw my 2 cents in....

I got pregnant when I was 19, my boyfriend and I were not together THAT long, and we had a long distance relationship( he lived in LA, me and las vegas).......we were stupid with our decisions, so pregnancy happened.  He told me either have an abortion or he was leaving me....I weighed all my options and decided for ME that I would keep the baby, and we ended up staying together for a while.  After my son was born, he was never really involved, my son today is 6 and barely knows him.  I have since maried and my son loves my husband and calls him dad.  I do not believe that my son not knowing his real dad will impact him that much, as he has had plenty of love in his life, and thats all tha really matters.

That being said, I am also going to tell you that I am pro-choice.  I do not believe a woman should have a baby out of guilt or fear.  I can live with woman having abortions....I cant live with the idea that babies are born everyday that werent wanted and placed in dumpsters or killed....or just abused to no end and treated horrible in their life so they will grow up to be murderers, ets.  ...I guess I am just different that way...I would never want someone telling me what is ok to do with my body.

My advice to you is this, do what you IN YOUR HEART feels right to you, and for your life.  As you are well aware, a baby can be completely happy without a father, and in the future when/if he goes looking for dad, he/she might get burned, but there will be enough love in their home to comfort that pain.  However, again.....this is adecision that has to be yours and yours alone...and if what you decide is what you feel is best for you, then that is the right decision....no matter what anyone else might think.

[babybabybaby]

Thank you for sharing your experience with me.  There are other women who have also shared the fact that other people have been able to step in and provide a good example and have a good relationship with their children.  That is inspirational.  I appreciate the time you took to read through the thread and share something helpful.

[RockRose]

I've read through most of this thread,  and wow,  very painful stuff going on here.

I agree that having a child with no father in the home is no way to go.  I'm amazed at women who PURPOSELY conceive knowing they don't have a husband that they can count on to help.  I do understand if the pregnancy is an accident,  deciding to go through with having the baby and deciding to make the best of raising it alone - I get that.  I don't understand women who purposely create a baby when they know the baby will be without a daddy.  

Back to your situation,  baby.  I read your posts,  and you are thoughtful and introspective.

I'm very prochoice,  but in my life,  I've known women who have chosen abortion.  The women who are stupid and don't even understand what it is they are doing don't tend to be affected.  There are women who say stupid things like I thought it was just tissue,  I didn't know it was a human baby,  they don't get it.

You get it.  You understand what is going on,  and I truly believe you will regret this very very deeply if you choose to abort.  

I'm sorry you're being attacked here,  your first post was very intriguing and I empathized.  But I guess I don't fully understand why you aren't considering adoption?  I have several kids near and dear to my heart who are adopted,  and they are truly gifts.

Best wishes in your decision.

[AndiJ78]

I agree, ziggy, that was a lovely post. My little brother's "donor" was a piece of work as was our mother. My grandparents took him in when he was about to start grade school and he has never missed having the donor around. He has received lots of love, a positive male role model in our Gramps, and just graduated with his MBA. He's been sheltered a bit, but he will grow out of that in due time. It is wonderful to hear of your success and thoughtful of you to share with all of us.

Seems as though I spoke too soon on my original post. You know this is your choice, regardless of the comments of others. Hopefully despite the last few comments, you have had enough advice to help you.

[babybabybaby]

RockRose, thank you for reply.  I have a hard time considering adoption because I don't see me letting the baby go.  I don't see how any woman who carries a child and gives birth to it can just let it go.

I've met people who were adopted and have had good lives, but many still want to know who their real parents are.  I don't want to cause any anguish in a child's life, whether during youth or as an adult who finds that he or she isn't who they thought they were.

I guess the other side of the coin is not knowing.

I appreciate the time you took to read the thread and post your reply.

[babybabybaby]

There have been a few people who replied to my post that have truly done so to share great life experiences and honest advice regarding this situation; I'm greatful for that.  In the end, I know the decision is mine and I will have to live with whatever I choose to do.  A mother is generally the one who is held responsible (not to discount any single fathers raising children).

Thanks for contributing.

[sfritz]

Wow. That would be a hard decision to make and I personally don't know how I would feel in that situation. Have you spoken to the father about the options you are considering? I know you said that once the conversation was over you considered the relationship over but maybe it would change his "after the baby is born" to right now. (But then again how would you know that it wasn't another lie.)

I grew up without a father and can relate to the struggle you are dealing with on your decision. However you do sound like an extremely intelligent and strong person very capable of raising this child without him.

The only thing I can tell you is think really hard before you make your decision and do what you think is best.  Best of luck to you!!

[spade22]

I did not read through all the posts on this thread so forgive me if I reiterate some points made previously- I can see it has sparked much of a debate!  Here are a few comments I have:

Your wrote:

"I'm struggling with whether I should terminate the pregnancy because, at this time, I don't think I can count on this person to be a responsible parent and if I don't even really know who he is - what else will come up during the pregnancy.  I don't want to have a child who doesn't have a father in his or her life since I know what that is like. "

Essentially, what this all boils down to, is you are contemplating termination because you don't want a child without a father in their life.  Here are some points to consider:

i) I know of many well-adjusted children/adults who were raised with just one parent and turned out just fine.  I also know of many children/adults from a 2-parent home that did not turn out fine.  Every situation is different and what it really boils down too is the parenting ability of the individual(s) raising that child rather than a "conventional" mother-father duo raising said child.

That being said, I also grew up without a father and have a lot of resentment regarding the way my mother raised me (although I would say I turned out pretty well ;)   - we do NOT have a relationship right now.  However, I doubt things would have been any different had my father been involved in my life.   I always would swear as I was growing up, and do to this day, that I will NOT make the same mistakes my mother made and learned from my experiences growing up and will NOT repeat them.

ii) Even in you were to bring a child into this world under "the best of situations" - lets say in your case you have the perfect husband and both want a child - things don't turn out as planned.  For example, after the birth of the child one person in the relationship may cheat (even though everything seemed perfect and you would NEVER expect such an occurance) or, one person in the relationship could suddenly pass away.  Ask yourself this: would you stop raising your child if your other half was not around AFTER the birth of the child?

iii) Why do you "need to count" on this "other person" to help raise your child and be a "responsible" parent?  Do you feel that you are incapable of doing this on your own (i.e. you cant count on yourself)?  If so, can you pinpoint exactly what it is that you feel may present such a road-block?  For instance: are you concerned about your ability to love a child, your work ethic, financial difficulty, low self esteem, medical reasons, etc. etc. etc.  

Only you know your situation and it is impossible to convey of life time of feelings/experiences on an internet forum (not to mention, there is likely information you do not want to convey).  However, if you can try and get to the bottom of concerns you will be better equipped to make this decision - can any of the road-blocks be worked around?  If so, what resources would you need?  If not, you no doubt, will know in your heart what to do.

So..... there are a few things to consider!  In addition, I HIGHLY recommend you talk to a neutral person about your situation - a counselor would be a GREAT resource.  They can help you go through all the pros and cons and possible ways around road-blocks.  Just as you thought it would be beneficial to ask this question on an internet forum, I think you would benefit (to an even greater extent) from talking to someone in person (or on the phone) - ESPECIALLY someone that has training with this type of subject.

[babybabybaby]

Regarding the father and options I'm considering, based on our conversation, all he wanted to know was "so what are you going to do?"  Meaning was I going to have the baby or go and get an abortion (which I think would fit his lifestyle better).  I doubt any type of conversation with him would yield positive results at this time or in the future - he lied about most of his life for approximately 8 months.  He's very determined that his life is his to decide whether he wants people to know the truth.  I wouldn't be able to trust his "right now" even if he gave it to me.

[babybabybaby]

Thanks for the great reply.  I appreciate it.

Best of Situations: it's one thing to start out under that impression and things change than to start out bad from the beginning - knowing it will probably get worse for the child.

Count on the Other Person: One strong parent in a child's life is great.  Two strong parents are better.  I know who I am and what I can do for a child, but what happens if something happens to me down the road.  Who is going to take the reigns?

Can any of the road-blocks be worked around?  I like that way of thinking about it and will take everything you wrote and think a lot harder.  

Thanks for taking the time to show me another angle from which to look at the situation.  I appreciate your time.

[AndiJ78]

One parent or two, raising children is tough. The forum is full of women who begged and pleaded to get pregnant and are struggling during pregnancy with expected health concerns and certainly struggling with raising newborns and all that entails (some of the people commenting on here have made MULTIPLE posts about their struggles lately). I have never bought "all babies are blessings" because for some, they are not. Open the papers, how many of these moms were guilted into keeping babies and finally snapped? They are not just cute play things to love, they are work. None of us will be there doing this work for her.

I respect the OP for having the courage to come on to a forum (which guys, maternal relates to pregnancy, technically she is in the right spot.) and ask for advice. Had she gone to the TTC forum, I can understand.

Spade, Ziggy, and Rock have certainly given some great advice, and well beyond even the OP, these comments may prove helpful to someone down the road searching the archives.

[BabyHardiman]

The "great advice and insight" comment was directed to tiredbuthappy... she did give you great insight in what she has experienced with children that are raised without fathers.. and so has Andi, and so has alot of other women on here.  Personally, my father died when I was a little over two years old... so I was raised without a "real" father figure.. I had a step-dad that was a drunk, and a pure *******, and he HATED me because I was another mans baby.  My mom went on to have 3 children with him that he later grew to ignore and abuse.  Had my mom stayed single, my older brother and I would have been MUCH better off... but then again we would not have Becky, Danny and Carol, their father was truly a "DONOR".  My mother was not a very strong woman as you probably guessed, but over time she became strong enough to leave the good for nothing.  Though my childhood was pretty much C R A P, I grew up to be very strong, and I am thankful EVERYDAY that my mother did not abort me because she knew before I was born that my father would eventually die from the cancer that ate him alive.  

Hey, it's election time.. lol.. it's the "debating" season.  =)

I really think you could give a child a GREAT life, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.  And, just to let you know, I got pregnant after only a month and a half of knowing my baby's father ( I am 30 weeks today).  Lucky for me my now Fiance' is a great man and father (he has 3 other children).  My life is not perfect by any means, but I am truly looking forward to giving my daughter EVERYTHING that I did not have.  And I know for a FACT that even if things do not work out with my Fiance' that I CAN raise my daughter in a single parent household.  Everyday I feel her precious little kicks and punches it makes my heart tingle.  =)

I have to admit at first I thought you came across a little harsh.. but you know what.. I could have very well ended up in your situation, and I wonder how I would have felt.  I am 100% Pro-Life, but you are so right when you say that everyones situation is different.  I try not to judge anyone, but truthfully it tears my heart to pieces the thought of harming a baby.. I realize that my thoughts are those of my own fear of doing it MYSELF.. it's hard to put myself in anothers shoes.  Ya know?  

[solanaj]

It's ultimately your decision. But if you don't want the child at least let it's life continue. I am sure you can find an adoption agency that could find your child a wonderful couple who would love your baby.

My sister became a teenage mother and I remember finding out only a few days before my nephew was born b/c she hid her pregnancy. I was also a teenager and remember asking my mother if she was going to give it up for adoption. I could not imagine baby in our household at the time. My mom said no, that she was going to keep it. I will tell you this, had my sister opened her mouth to me or my mom when she realized her periods were not coming, my nephew would not be the wonderful kid he is today and enjoying life. So, throughout my life when I am confronted with this question, I can only help but to think about all the joy he has brought to our lives. I can't even remember what life was like before him. I will tell you that having him with us was and is the best gift we could have gotten. I did not know that before he was born.

I believe in a higher power than myself and after spending the last few yrs. myself trying to conceive I know that God makes no mistakes. That one sperm out of millions in that prejaculate penetrated that egg for a reason. What is the reason, we don't know yet. But I guarantee there is one. The choice again is yours. All I can say is if you don't think you can love that child than that's okay. You should not feel guilty about that. That's also why we have adoption in this country. I think I read that you have the option of a closed or an open one. So you do have other options here. I know it's hard, but pray about if you can. Seek some serious counsel from an unbiased professional that can help you make the right decision. Have you had an ultra sound and seen the fetus moving around with it's heart beating yet? If not, it's the most amazing experience. Also, that child is also apart of you.

By the way, I too grew up w/o my father playing an intricate role in my life. But, I have the best and strongest mother any girl can ask for. Although, my relationship with my father is good, I know it would have been better had he been there. It's okay though b/c my mother gave me everything I needed to survive in this world. I will pray that you are given what you need to help you make the best decision for you and your baby. Good luck.

Sol

[JoyRenee]

The reason people come to pregnancy forums asking questions about abortion is because they are pregnant. Pregnant women come to pregnancy forums. In this instance, this woman is looking for information and wants to make an educated decision. She is worried. So let's try to help and not hinder, PLEASE?! Our personal beliefs and convictions don't mean squat to someone who doesn't believe the same thing. So let's put prejudice and judgements aside and focus on the true matter at hand.

Anyway, babybabybaby, waitingwithhope gave you such amazing encouragement. You really are a strong person and you can do this. I honestly feel, deep in my heart, that your baby is going to be strong too. Remember, you're very newly pregnant and don't have to make a decision today. If you feel in your deepest heart that keeping this baby is the right thing to do, then don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

And we'll be here for you. I PMed you back, by the way.

[JoyRenee]

What a wonderful, encouraging post!!!

[g8r grl]

Wow! You really opened a can of worms on this forum!

I've read most of the posts on this thread and it's like the hundreds of others that I've read in the past...it turned into a prolife/prochoice debate and got ugly.

You have such a decision to make! I can understand your hesitations and worries. If I got pregnant on accident by someone I hadn't known for verylong (and now you find out you don't know him at all!), I would be considering terminating the pregnancy as well. It's only natural in my opinion. Other women who are trying to conceive may be gawking at what I just said, but I have my reasons. If you're trying to conceive and want it really badly, then you fall in love with your baby as soon as you find out that it exists. If you weren't expecting it and never wanted it, it's natural not to be in love with a child that you don't even know.

I know there are soooo many people out there who are looking to adopt, but I also don't feel like I could choose adoption. I just don't think that I could have a child and then give it up. By the end of your pregnancy, you're in love with that child already. You've seen the ultrasounds and have heard the heartbeat. It must be agony to give up a child and I don't think that I could do it. You'll always have the body of a mother. To go through the entire pregnancy and everything that goes along with it only to give away your child...I don't know...I just couldn't. Alright everyone...yell at me. I'm just telling you how I feel. That being said, Juno was the best movie that I've seen in a long time and was very heartwarming!

About the single parent issue. I would be scared as well! It would be difficult to raise a child by yourself. I don't care what anyone says, children raised by one parent are affected in one way or another. It could be very, very mild or severe...but issues arise. Then you worry about finding a spouse someday that won't mind that you already have a child. Of course there are wonderful men out there who would stand up to the plate and be great fathers, but you'll meet some men who under no circumstance want to enter that territory.

All that being said...I can only imagine what you are going through. It's the biggest decision of your life and it has to be made. When I was 2 months pregnant with my son (after trying to conceive for 3 months) my very best friend found out that she was pregnant as well. She had been with the guy for a year and a half and they had talked about getting married, but she in no way wanted a baby at that time. I still have the email that she wrote me considering an abortion. She was scared and was not in love with the baby...she hadn't wanted it so she didn't have any feelings for it yet. I was supportive and said that whatever decision that she made, I would be there for her. She decided to keep the baby and had an ultrasound a week later to see how far along she was. WOW what a difference that made! She was instantly in love and ended up getting married a few months later. I read the email to her a couple of months ago and she said that she couldn't believe that she was considering an abortion. Her son is 16 months old.

Did you see your baby yet? It makes a huge difference and definitely affects your decision. Whatever decision you make is the right one for you. Somedays are hard and I wish that I had waited to have my son...and then there are the nights that I lean on the side of his crib for 20 minutes watching him sleep. I can't imagine my life any other way and my friend feels the same way about her son.

It's a huge decision and scary one...but do whatever your heart tells you to do. I've never heard anyone say that they wish they never had their child, but I have heard them say that they wish they never terminated their pregnancy. Good luck to you in whatever decision you make...

Keep us posted!

[babybabybaby]

And BabyHardiman comes through!  Thank you.  

I've experienced some of the same in my life and just don't want to start out knowing there will be insanity in my child's life.  

[babybabybaby]

Thank you.

[babybabybaby]

Thank you for inspiration.

I have seen the baby and that's what makes even considering this choice so hard (and sometimes it seems ridiculous).

I can honestly say that the people here who came to help did a very good job.  I wish I could give you something back in return.

[CYW]

i appologize for having being rude, as reading this whole post i look at my 5 and a half month old baby boy and couldn't imagine life without him..as andi has said sure it is hard....its work..im currently a stay at home mom and it takes alot out of you but...to wake up and see those smiles, to hear the cries and the laughters..being a mommy is the best thing..i can honestly say..I LOVE IT! if i had the choice i would probably have a few dozens but they cost money and its work and well yeah it hurts lol...but worth it...

i just find it hard to even think about abortions because i don't agree with it. I found out i was pregnant after only being with my bf for 6 months...we are going on 2 years in july..i love him as well as our little one very much and had he not stayed around i would of chose to keep my baby too...i had a rough pregnancy..full of harrasment from my mil...i cried, i even almost lost my baby for a few reasons...and that's what makes me just incredibly joyful that it didn't happen...i dont know what i would have done...my lil man is precious to me and i wouldnt change anything...my father wanted me to abort and i didn't and he REGRETS even having mentioned it because he too cannot imagine life without his grandson...my parents being 44 and 46 are now looking forward to having more grandchildren...lol

how far along are you anyways? i just really dont agree with abortions, i am sorry it just irritates me to think about it...then you get women that go through with it and its like omg what did i do...then they regret and try and seek comfort...well told ya so you know what i mean? thats what drives me more nuts about it...

i do agree with one thing though...someone mentioned that its better to have an abortiong than to either abuse or leave your child in a dumpster etc...thats true..happens everyday..it's truly sad...i think that if you have alot of support because ALOT of emotions come after having a baby...and eventually you will break..it is whether you are able to get out on your own or need the help..its hard...most women have been there...however having the father in the life can be soo much more stress...

so i keep reading this post everytime someone adds but when you say he's been lying...WHAT exacly is he lying about? im soo confused there...i know its none of my buisness but to me i dont know why but i get the impression he has a double life or has a huge secret..other children..beats me...but all in all good luck...in the end you DO need to decide what's best for YOU...

[spade22]

I would like to address a few of your comments:

"Best of Situations: it's one thing to start out under that impression and things change than to start out bad from the beginning - knowing it will probably get worse for the "child."

I believe this is very situation-dependent.  For example, if you are with an abusive partner, bringing a child into the world and planning to raise that child with the abusive parent is much worse than leaving the abuser while that child is in the womb.  Another example - in "some" cases breakup/divorce. One parent leaving the relationship (and not being in that child's life to the same extent they were before) can "sometimes" have much more of a negative impact on a child than if that child did not know that person.

In your particular case, it sounds like the man who fathered your child displays some  very negative and undesirable characters - not having him in your life does not sound like a "bad thing" in fact, I would say that the opposite is true.

"....but what happens if something happens to me down the road.  Who is going to take the reigns?"

I completely understand this fear.  Do you have any family members, or good friends to take the reigns should the need arise?  If you do not have anyone you feel you could rely on now, that does not mean things will change in the future - it is certainly nice to have a safety net BUT safety nets tend to pop-up when you least expect them to.

Here is a personal story on this.  I have a VERY good friend at my work place who is about 50 and has two boys, aged 6 and 4.  She has no living family and is legally separated from her boys father (he is a VERY manipulative and abusive father but this didnt come to light until after the kids were born).  Anyways, I befriended her about a year ago and since then we have become extremely close - she has told me I am the only person she can trust and has asked me to take guardianship of her children and control the purse-strings of their inheritance should something happen to her.  The guardianship could be any issue because the father is still in their life's BUT she knows I will fight for her kids (and prevent their father from spending all the money they will inherit).  Long story short - at the beginning of last year she shared one of your concerns (but this was compounded by her age and the fact there is someone to take  custody of the kids that would, in all likelihood, be disastrous) but this is something that is much less of a concern to her now.    Things change.

I personally don't build my future on what I DONT have right now, but rather look at the endless possibilities of things to come.


"Can any of the road-blocks be worked around?  I like that way of thinking about it and will take everything you wrote and think a lot harder.  

Thanks for taking the time to show me another angle from which to look at the situation.  I appreciate your time."

Where there is a problem, there is always more than one solution - sometimes one needs to think outside the box to derive at that though.  

p.s.Your'e very welcome

[JoyRenee]

babybabybaby, you told me you were 3-4 weeks along privately. And you saw the baby already? Your doc would give you a due date and tell you how many week you are.

[CYW]

Is that even possible???? i saw my ds at 8 weeks and had a us at 3 and a half weeks...they saw nothing....

[CYW]

ohi also got my bfp when i was 6 weeks along...and i had the us a few days before my expected period because it was messed up...

[babybabybaby]

I saw that little circle that everyone would consider a baby when my doctor did a scan because I'm having terrible abdominal pains.  I have a high threshold for pain, but this is unbearable (morning, noon, night - and I can barely sleep because of it).  They vaginally inserted a wand and turned on a little screen that showed the little mass of cells (everything was black and white, but there it was).  He said, "there it is."  He was able to magnify it and show exactly where it was in my uterus.  He did this to make sure the baby was in my uterus and not in my fallopian tubes.

[babybabybaby]

Regarding family - My family is not capable of assisting in raising my child.  I would need to find a person to watch the baby while I work and be there myself for the most part.  

If something were to happen to me, there is only one person who I would trust to take that responsibility for me and as I told you I would, I talked to her about one of the roadblocks.  She told me that if I decided to keep the baby and anything happened to me - that she would raise my child without hesitation and that she would fight if necessary.

Regarding the father - you're right and I've known this since my conversation with him.  Over the weekend, I thought about asking him to waive his rights and only request that he's in the childs life for a medical emergency that requires him to be present. (Trying to get around the roadblocks the best way I know how to arrive at a good point.)

I'm trying.

[CYW]

did you get to see a heartbeat????i think that being so early in the pregnancy...its difficult i understand about family...i live about an hour from my parents and going back to school in sept so ds is going in daycare..i kinda was really worried i still am but i need to do this for both of us...have u considered that?

[JoyRenee]

Well hopefully he'll give you another ultrasound in a few weeks because your baby, by now, has little arm and leg buds, a beating heart, the brain is functioning. They can wiggle and move. From there they'll begin sucking their thumb and you'll feel them moving.

Anyway, hope you're doing well. I PMed you back to ask how you were feeling today (since today is a new day!).

By the way, I grew up in daycare for the most part and I loved it. I didn't like being away from my mom (who was a single parent) but I learned so much at daycare, made friends, had activities that spurred my creativity, etc. And I'm really proud of my mom for what she accomplished while I was in daycare. She became a registered nurse. Unfortunately, she died after I got married, but my mom was still able to dream and fulfill her dreams.

I don't know where I'm going with my story, but felt like sharing it I guess! I hope to talk to you again soon!

[BabyHardiman]

"He did this to make sure the baby was in my uterus and not in my fallopian tubes."

=)  You referred to the "little mass of cells" as a "baby"... sounds like you may be getting used to the idea.


I hope you begin to feeling better soon.  Are you having cramping, like period cramps?

[vsentz]

Ohhhh... golly.....

Alright, i'll really try my best to give advise and clean my tears off my eyes, because situations like this, now, really make me cry.....(i know, hormones!....and some experience too)

I was told when I was 18 that I was pregnant (by a dumb 'doctor' that 'read' my eyes...yeah, a weirdo that thought knew what she was doing).... I FREAKED out since I was always VERY responsible with my sexuality and was NOT prepared by any means to become a mother (I was studying, getting started in a job.... still living at home...., with tight-minded parents).
I asked her to give me something to stop it!... and she gave me some sort of 'liquid' i had to take and she told me to wait a couple of days....
I got so scared I got sick (with fever and all!!) and on the 2nd or 3rd day i got my period...
I will never know if i was indeed pregnant or not...
I never really put thought about that later in life..., got out of school, got a job, found the love of my life..., married, started a home (struggling a looooot!) and fell pregnant again....
(we weren't even trying, and i was already 27 by the way) only to miscarry at 3 months...

NOW, you talk about pain.

I have never felt that much grief in my life. I wasn't trying, I was 'not ready' yet, when I lost her little life I thought for sure mine ended right there with hers....

I do not wish that to my worse enemy... is a deep, deep pain and darkness a true mother feels when that little life ends.... it's not describable....

I thought about what happened then (when i was 18) and couldn't help but cry and feel I just provoqued it all... I felt i was paying for the very STUPID decision i had made back then, wether i was or not..., i made the decision of ending a life.... my shoulders have never carried that much weight in my life....

I suffered infertility right after that...., I went thru million treatments, surgeries, people getting pregnant and celebrating births... and here I was, empty arms, empty bassinet in her room... and me weeping, balled up in a corner and couldn't do anything else but cry.

I thought once i was pro-choice, .... i must have seriously changed my mind sometime along the process... I can't bear with people killing babies..... I'm sorry, babybabybaby, I just can't help but feel SO SAD for you and what you are about to do (IF that's what you decide to do...)
I wished many nights, while i couldn't even sleep, yet couldn't open my swollen, inundated eyes for crying so much that i could feel a little one some day in my belly.... I asked for forgiveness to our creator so many times, yet I was SOOO MAD at Him....

I, in my little head, don't find logic in what you said (you are going to abort a baby because there's no dad around... and you don't wanna be selfish), that TO ME, and only me, sounds total oposite... (i am not trying to convince you of anything, just SHARING my opinion, which you asked for). To me, selfish is to terminate a little life because you don't have the 'perfect' environment....

My best friend tho, she DID become pregnant at 18 (right after my little incident...) and talked about terminating...., talked about adoption.... talked about all kinds of things to do to the baby (now 11 and SO precious little girl). She couldn't, she didn't have even a father herself to rely on... her mother didn't care, and she, with all her strength gathered went on to have the baby.... she almost went on depression over thinking she once thought about killing that miracle she was holding in her arms....

Fersi is now 11 years old. She knows she doesn't have a daddy like most kids in school, but she is SO darn intelligent, she says she doesn't need one because mommy is her BIG blessing and angel on earth that looks after her more than any mommy and daddy of her other friends!

Now, that's why im tearing up right now.... just stuff like that gets me, im sorry im a softie, and i also DO have a certainty that after you abort... you will regret it in more ways than one.

It's your choice, at the end. But it's her/his life YOU are taking away..... (how can that not be selfish?)

Good luck to you either way.

[CYW]

wow talk about tearing up,,that story you shared made me cry and i aint even hormonal...i strongly believe that if it doesnt bother her now if she was to follow through with the abortion..when that day comes that she does give birth...or become pregnant it will hit her because there will be soo many what ifs...its just how women are...

[Cheyenne_08]

I just skimmed this, so forgive me if I missed anything....BUT, have you made a decision yet??? I was not ready to have a baby at 20 years old! My son was born 2 months early following many complications.....HOWEVER, I went on to get my bachelor's degree 4 months after Ashtyn was born! He is 8 months old now and has some developmental delays! However, no matter HOW weak you think you are, you can be a single parent. Ashtyn's dad is with me, but he works from 7 am to 7pm. I go to every appointment alone, I take him to therapy 4 times a week, ALONE....I do everything by myself, and by god I do it with a smile!!!! I am 21 years old, and I work part time at a domestic violence shelter....heading back to school in August to get my bachelor's in psychology before going to law school....IT CAN BE DONE!!!! Again, I am not 100% alone, but I do everything for Ashtyn by myself on a daily basis...I get up with him first thing in the morning, and get him around for bed at night...and everything in between by myself. Also, in terms of adoption....they were doing genetic testing on Ashtyn because they thought he might have a genetic disorder. For weeks I beat myself up becasue I might not be able to have more kids of my own, and my only hope would have been adoption...and knowing that there was THAT hope for having more kids, I got through it. Although there is nothing genetically wrong with Ashtyn, and this is no longer an issue....don't be selfish...give another family the chance for happyness. Anyone that is young and pregnant needs to see the movie JUNO...its AMAZING and tells a very good story on being mature beyond your years and giving a child to an adopting family when you know that you are not the right person for the job!!!!

[Kim1989]

Cheyenne!!! man thanks for givin me the ending to the movie.. i havent seen it yet!!!! lol its alright : ) i have heard its a good movie. i should prob see it soon!!

[Cheyenne_08]

Ugh, that is actually in the movie description......its the basis of the entire movie, so I actually didn't give anything away lol

[Kim1989]

all i knew was that she got pregnant and there was this guy and he sounded like a stand up guy. o well.

[BabyHardiman]

Update us please!!

[jen1226]

Just incase it comes up again: I work in the ultrasound department and you can detect pregnancy at 3-4 weeks by ultrasound, not externally like the one most pregnant women have but internally. You won't see a baby yet but you can see an empty gestational sac which is confirmation that you are pregnant. What she had was called a transvaginal pelvic ultrasound to rule out a tubal pregnancy which occurs in the fallopian tubes. in which a probe with a light on the end is inserted into the vagina and it gives a much clearer image of the uterus, ovaries, pelvic wall etc., anything in the pelvic region which is why it is called a pelvic ultrasound. They do regular external ultrasounds too but the internal one is too get a much better,clearer view of things. Babybabybaby, i'm sorry that you were questioned, and I thought that you and others may want to know what type of test it was incase it comes up again.
I understand everything that you are saying, my 17 and 19 year old children grew up without a father. He was abusive and they haven't seen him for 13 years due to him going to jail and not to mention the safety risks. Even though I have been with their stepfather for 16 years straight, no brake-ups, they still say I could never understand what it feels like so I get your concerns. Although they get that I could've been killed or they could've been kidnapped, as he threatened long ago, they understand why it is the way it is but it doesn't take their pain away. I feel very guilty that they are missing that bond, whether it be good or bad, the what if's, the curiosity of what he looks like and if they have any of his traits etc. They didn't ask for that and it is alot for a kid to deal with but sometimes that is life and I always tell them it will only make them stronger and wiser. I feel pretty confident that their understanding of what I have been through and how it affected them will protect them from ever abusing or being abused another person. I also understand that no matter how great the stepfather is, it doesn't make the child feel whole, I read many posts talking about maybe you'll find someone who wants to be a father and your concerns will no longer be concerns. That isn't completely true but it does help in the aspect of knowing what it feels like to have a father figure but its not their biological father so the what if's are still unanswered. On the other hand I can tell you that because my children went throgh this they have told me they will be very involved parents so I believe they will be great parents some day and the cycle will hopefully end.
I think you are a strong person and you are going about this the right way, your taking your time and asking for advice. It must be hard to hear both sides because you are torn in the middle and it is much easier for someone else to make a decision on someone else's behalf. How many of us have had bad boyfriends and our friends say why don't you dump him but we were in love, then when they are in the same situation they don't get out of it either? The best advice everyone gave was FOLLOW YOUR HEART, it is a very unjudgemental statement and thats exactly what you should do. I followed mine and my children is what made me stronger and kept me alive. Everyone thought I was crazy for having children with a man who beat me for 6 years but they weren't in my shoes and they couldn't save me. My children were the only ones that made me see the light to freedom and kindness, their love and my repsonsibility to make sure they were safe allowed me to realize we deserved a life of happiness and that is most important in life. I am not a religous person but I do believe they were given to me for this reason it is just an unfortunate reality that it had to affect them as well but nothing in life is perfect. You should always try look more at the positive things in life or how you can make it better and that will help you to make the right decision. I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do.

[heatherlynn22]

my mom was a single mom....i'm glad she didn't abort me because my father wasn't there in the begining.