Hi. I really need to vent!! I have been married almost 17 years and have 4 children with 1 on the way. I feel like my marriage is falling apart. My dh has changed so much and doesn't ever try to talk to me anymore. He isn't interested in having a sexual relationship. (mostly since I have been pregnant...but, he was interested when I was pregnant before) He works hard and brings his work home. That is all he wants to talk about. I stay home and homeschool 4 kids, am pregnant with #5, and we are military. We move alot, so I am not near family and I don't have many friends here. I feel so sad and so alone.
Sounds like he is overwhelmed (and understandably). I know that when you are pregnant, your needs are your main focus, but it sounds like he can use some support, too. And trying to MAKE him be understanding, loving, and supportive of you isn't going to work.
I would seek counseling for yourself--to figure out what to do to try to save your marriage and family.
p.s. When you say "strict", you don't really mean "abusive", do you? If you do, that's another story altogether.
He comes home and sleeps most of the weekend. If I try to talk to him, he just gets defensive. He doesn't ask me how I am at all or how our day went. He sleeps, & watches t.v. I really think he is depressed, but when I mention it, he won't hear of it. He is VERY strict with the kids and if we want to have any fun we (kids and me) usually do something during the week, when he is at work. I honestly can't stand being married to him, except for the fact that he brings in the money to support us. I can honestly see divorce in our future, but that just breaks my heart for my kids and I don't have a clue what I would do to support 5 children. I haven't worked since my 14 yo. was born. I am scared, sad and getting depressed. I have been praying about this as I am a christian, but it is still so hard to live with day in and day out. He doesn't seem interested in the baby...I have a doppler and he leaves the room when I try to listen to the baby's heartbeat. Yesterday we were at the store and I wanted to buy the baby a few things and he got mad. He said we didn't have enough money now and we still have a ways to go (I am 19 weeks). I just wanted to buys a pack of onesies to help me feel like this is "real". We gave away all our baby stuff...so we are starting from scratch. He won't help me when I ask for help with baby names...he says that I am being ridiculous worrying about it because we have until a week after the baby is born to decide on a name??!!?? He makes me so mad!! Please help me! I just need some support and maybe some advice. Thank you.
Do you have a pastor you can talk with? I would suggest that if you have a pastor or a solid Christian family who you can confide in, with confidence, that you would go and talk to them or have someone come and talk to the both of you at home. I would suggest the reason he is being aloof is financial and less about not wanting the baby. If he is in the military, that would be a reason why he would be strict with the kids (he is used to discipline and rules). There are a lot of Christian resources /books to on marriages and families. Even if he does not want to read them, perhaps you could read them to at least give yourself some strength. And, ask him how you can relieve his stress. Perhaps that will help him to open up about what is troubling him. I think right now, he just does not want to deal with other issues or problems because he is stressed. And, you do have to be honest with him and let him know that you want to have some fun with the kids and how hard this is on you. Let him know too that you are willing to sit down and work out a budget you both can be happy about. If he refuses counseling and refuses to work on the marriage, then it would be time to contemplate other steps. Right now, during a pregnancy, try and avoid divorce or separation unless it it necessary safety-wise, etc. because you are already experiencing a number of changes just being pregnant. All the best, I will pray for you :)
I agree with Waitingwithhope, if you have a pastoral or a strong spiritual counsel that you can consult with, I would highly recommend doing that. You have to really be wise in this situation. Marriage counseling is for people that are #1 in a marriage that both spouses want to keep afloat, by seeing on a regular basis or #2 that are now having differences. So of course you fit in #2, my dad always said that "closed mouths don't get fed", you have to be the wife and the one that keeps this growing family together. Talk to him and don't back down, ask him how he feels about you. But I would strongly suggest getting some counseling as soon as possible especially before this baby is born. I am a Christian woman also, and I believe in Prayer and that prayer does turn things around. I suggest reading your Word, pray daily that your husband falls in love with you all over again, that he comes to his senses and see how much this family needs him, that you are the same woman you fell in love with the first time, and that your children will be protected from the strife felt from the marriage. I believe that God is going to turn this around in your favor, but you have to believe for yourself, I will definitely be praying for you my sister. "Stay strong in the Lord and in the power of his might..."
Stacey, it sounds like your husband might in fact be depressed (if he's in the US Military it is more than possible with what our troops are going through). It also sounds like he is stressed out because he does have a family to take care of and they need him to be an adult and financially support them. Now you guys have another "mouth to feed" coming in August and that only adds to an already stressful situation. Just as you are frustrated, alone, and stressed out and depressed it is more than likely he is feeling the same exact way. Men don't tend to see raising children and housework and so forth as "hard work" because they don't see the fruit of it till much later, they take it for granted. For military men this is more often the case because of the mentality they gain by being in the military itself.
Being married is one of the hardest things we do, next to raising our children, and the two of you need to put that marriage above other things. It is hard when he doesn't seem to want to participate. The both of you need to reconnect, remember why you guys were in love in the first place, and take time for yourselves. These are not things you can force, but things that have to take place. Perhaps scheduling to meet him for lunch and asking your 14 year old to watch the younger children for an hour or so would be good. Remember that it is the small things that matter in life and the small things that matter the most in a marriage.
Here are a few ideas:
- Send him small notes in his wallet (write and slip them in while he's sleeping). "I love you!" "I hope you've had a good day so far!" "Tonight at 'give a time' we will have no kids and just a night for the two of us".
- When he comes home from work, greet him with a hug and a kiss (it might take him awhile to realize what is going on, don't get discouraged).
- Find a romantic poem (or write one, if you need help I'm a writer myself) and slip this into his briefcase (print it out and put it in one of those dollar picture frames from the dollar stores).
- Pick up some candles from a dollar store, and see if you can get the kids to go to bed early one night and suggest that your hubby takes a bath with you. Make it as romantic as you are comfortable with.
- Greet him, text him on a cellphone, or before he goes to work tell him "I love you handsome". Let him know that you love him and you find him appealing to you.
- Pick up something nice to wear, fix your hair and put on some make-up, or make other changes he might not have seen in awhile. (this is perfect for that lunch date). This will make you feel better about yourself and hopefully he'll remember how beautiful you are.
- Do a small strip tease for him when he least expects it, or kiss upon his neck when he's pouring over that pile of papers from work.
- One morning, or evening, give him a gentle massage over his whole body. Sometimes just the physical touch of our mates can work magic.
- Find a part-time job. Something that is perhaps a few hours a week, even if it doesn't pay a lot. It might not be ideal, but it will show him (and you) that you are trying to help the family along more as well.
These are just a few things, do something that is good for your marriage, relationship, and for the self esteem for the both of you. Let him know that he is important to your life, not just a paycheck, but that you are there for him.
Yes, he might resist some things I've suggested, he might love others. But hopefully it might make him wake up and reciprocate what is important. When he sees you are trying he might fall in line and do the same. Hopefully then it will open the lines of communication again and help save your marriage. Then you guys can continue what you've started and open up the rest of the issues you are having. But remember when it comes to that point of things, don't bring things up as attacks "you you you", instead do it with "I feel this way when this happens".
Your husband would still have to support you and the children financially if you divorced. With 5 dependents, you would get plenty $ to support you. Since you haven't been working you would not be considered employable in any significant way esp. with a new baby. Since everyone else focused on the christian element of your story, I'll focus on the other element--that you can well imagine it might be better off not to be married to him. The children can feel this and they are ALREADY growing up in a broken home. This is not a marriage--whether he is depressed or not, he needs to get help and be able to take care of his family--YOU are the pregnant one, YOU are in essence a single mom already. I suggest you take YOURSELF to a counselor and to a lawyer (first appt's are usually free) and get some basic info. on what your rights would be in a divorce. At the very least you'll feel empowered for a good heart-to-heart ultimatum type conversation. You must think of the children and their future since he is obviously not (for whatever reason, and yes, does sound like depression).
I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you. There are so many resources available to you and I suggest a counselor/Christian counselor may be good for you right now.
I didn't read everything the other posters said but I agree that separation now would not be best unless you do feel it's a safety issue for you and your children.
I believe you can work through this. I am married to an vet myself and while he is no longer in service they do have their own mindset about things.
Military men.....ugggghh.... All I can say is it's tough, real tough but they have on them such a burden. And a growing family causes so much stress......We are on number 2 only and my dh is so stressed about work, financials, healthcare, childcare....you name it....he's worried and while sometimes he gets so caught up in his worry, he seems to forget us. I quickly put my foot down and remind him. He chose this life....married, children. He needs to man up and stop sulking. Men I believe get just as depressed as women and don't know how to handle it.
Try the book. The power of a praying wife....it's amazing. Just read it through and whether it applies to you in some or all....it's an amazing read.
Depends on the judge she gets as to whether or not she would get a reasonable amount of money to live one. She would NEVER get enough to enjoy the standard of living she has now. Divorce only makes the lawyers happy, especially a nice messy one. I guarantee you she would be forced to return to some crappy low paying job as she has been a sahm for a long time and her skills would be outdated. She would not get a lot of sympathy for having a new baby, since in the US there is only a few weeks of mat leave. And her kids would be forced to enter public school after being homeschooled all along.
Marriage is a life time commitment and I think she should do everything in her power to restore it before she throws it away. No one's relationship is perfect and all marriages go through dark times, but I think before you destroy your kids' lives you should at least try to make things work. Sometimes it is impossible, and divorce is inevitable.
And while he may be a jerk right now, if he is depressed, he has a medical condition that needs to be treated. Would you tell her to leave if he had a physical illness?
I am married with only one baby and DH is stressed all of the time about money. We women tend to complain to our DH when they come home and honestly that is the last thing they like to hear. I cannot imagine having 5 mouths to feed. Dealing with a man who is depressed is difficult because they always are in denial. See if you can get some counseling. If he refuess to go, maybe you can go just to get some advice. Obviously you have 5 children and have been married for so long I would think you had a good thing going.
Try to do some little things for him like the above posters said and see if there is anyway you can help him.
On a last note, my DH was just stupid and disinterested in me/baby while I was pregnant, --did not know how to deal with me and I was REALLY worried. However, once he saw his little girl all of that changed.
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