Problems with the mother in law

Right now I am not trying to stress after the scare from yesterday...I wasn't sure whether or not my mother in law KNEW about the pregnancy-however she did. We talked for a good 2 and some hours last night on the phone. She basically told me since I graduate this year-that i'm throwing my life away-I've ruined her son's life..etc etc..-we were very stupid etc etc...

On top of that she told me that it's sad but babies are supposed to be a joyful and happy thing and no one is happy that this baby will be born. Told my mom that, she's like thats a crock of s%$#. I love this baby like crazy-bf loves this baby-I mean it was planned so.. And yet she's acting out this way. So anywho,it was just hurtful to have her say some of those things and on top of that she was a single mom, no support nothing-she basically told me she did it-i'm going to do it too because she wont allow her son NOT to be responsible-meaning she wants him to be but that he's not going to be a full time father-she won't allow it. Like this is between ME and her son. It has nothign to do with anyone else except for us. We're the ones making the decisions and calling the shots and yet she's trying to put this thing. I think she's been this whole thing behind WHY my bofriend has been acting this way. I mean like stressing me, being a jerk, etc etc. I saw exactly in her what I've been seeing in him.

On top of that apparently she wants me over at her house because she has alot to say to me and she wants to tell me in my face-she told me I'm not going to like it , etc etc etc...

[kris123]

I would not go to her house it she is acting like a well you know.  You are preggo and any stress is not good.  Stay away from her and don't talk to her for a while maybe she will clam down - listen to me giving advise, i got the same problem with my BF.  Anyway, he is a grown man and his mother can't really tell him what to do.  She is trying to control this and she can't so she will try to control something, like if she pays for her son's car, he lives there, she might try to hold those things over his head - you know what I mean.  She may make this hard on you two.  If he is living with her, maybe he can move out.  

[CYW]

that's what I was thinking..I don't need that right now...He has bought his own car, he buys his own things, she does not buy anything for him-he does it on his own-works a faily decent job full time. He is living with her and I am somewhat stressing he move in with us, especially since if he doesn't I have to move back home until I can find a place. so yeah.. we will see..Even without being pregnant-I was always stressed with hee. I am trying not to stress ince I was in the ER yesterday with spotting(now has gone away) which was probably stress related... so I dont know we will see.. I know what I have to do and if she's going to control the situation then thats her problem-I'm not going to let her control me.

[deanne11]

Not to come off questionable...but how old are the two of you for her to be questioning anything?
Do you support yourself?  If so it's none of her business.  How does BF feel?  Does he want to be fulltime dad with you and what about your family?

You did say the baby was planned right?

[CYW]

we are younger, I am 20 and he is 19. I've been supporting myself since I was 18, almost 3 years now that I have been out of my hometown, an hour away and living on my own. She doesn't like the fact that I live on my own because "her little baby is not ready for any of that". He says one thing and then when he's around her, he changes his perception of things. Almost like she is blackmailing him or something. It's complicated. This baby was planned like I've said...my bf, her son wants to be a full time father, he wants to be all that he never had(since she left the guy or slept around or never told the guy she was pregnant). We don't know. Anywho, he wants to be there but she is making it difficult for him I think because it's hard because she is his mom but sometimes you have to let go...If it wee up to her, she would have him live there up until he was 60...Thats nice but how is he supposed to experience. She is not happy that i was in a past relationship with someone and we lived together. She constantly kept saying as we talked that she would not let me hurt her son...And that she will do anything..well if things dont work out between us because of her, then i believe she will try and make him go for full custody or something.. well as protective as she is of her 19 year old. I'm going to be AS protective of my unborn/new born child.

This is causing alot of problems for us it's soo confusing..

[deanne11]

All I can say is you need to lay down the law with Bf...not force him to make a choice but lay it down.  I am married to a momma's boy too.  DH dad left when he was 13 so he became man of the house early with mom and 2 sisters....mom never wanted to let him go and always calls...everyday!!!  now every other day since I moved my family cross country...lol.

It got so bad that I basically told DH to go back to mommy and let me raise our daughter alone...this was in March (of course after my 1st m/c and I was hormonal and an emotional wreck)...I laid it out very clear.....do not put your mother before your wife....your wife is GOD's chosen partner for you...if I don't come first, I want out.

Now with your age....no worries here.  my sister and my niece were both single moms at 21....My sister by choice...her bf broke up with her before she found out and then never told him.  My niece...her bf bolted as soon as he knew...Nice, huh.

God forbid...BF bolts...just know you can do it.  Where do you live? I don't think he will but don't worry...it can be done.

[CYW]

i live in canada. I have no problem i know I can do it on my own but he wants to be a part. Hes been rude lately and when he saw that baby yesterday he was overwhelmed with emotions you could just see he was exstatic...So i havethis feeling this will change because of her and i am going to be fed up...He bawled when i told him if he wasnt moving in that i had to move back home...

[deanne11]

Do you want to move home or do you feel you have too?

Why wouldn't he move in?  Because of MIL????  That is craziness....I feel for you so much because even though my situation wasn't the same...I know about MIL and their control over their sons.  Mine just became obsessed with my daughter....it was so annoying...even by referring to herself as 'mommy' sometimes....saying...'oooh I'm sorry, I forget sometimes she's not mine'...."Well let me help you remember you freak!"

Anyway....I'm so sorry....Good luck, I know BF will turn his attitude around once it gets closer to peanuts arrival.  Do you know what you are having or are you not that far yet?

[Meese]

Wow!!  I would not let her bother you.  She is being extremely rude and whatever happens between you and your husband is none of her business especially if the pregnancy was planned!  You definitely don't need her upseting you!  What does your husband have to say about her behavior?  Next time she calls I would just tell her you don't need to hear her belittle you or stress you out.  To be honest, I would probably have blown up on her and told her right where to go!!

[deanne11]

I'm kinda with Meese...personally I would have hung up on her...it's the old saying...if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all...

This is her grandbaby....for crying out loud.  She should have more respect and it's hard enough being pregnant...no one needs that stress.

I just hope your family is supportive.

[Meese]

My boyfriends mother passed away when he was young so I don't have a 'mother-in-law'.  But if I did and she acted like that I would have no problem telling her to butt out.  I just can't understand how some people can behave like that.... it's sad.  I really hope things work out for you and your boyfriend and the baby.  

[CYW]

Technically I don't want to move back home. I mean living with my mother and father again until I could find my own place or what not. they are supportive me going back home. the reason why i may need to go back home is if he doesn't move in, then I'm left to pay all the bills and do everything by myself so..I cannot do that as of may due to the factthat if i am showing who wants to hire someone to work if they are going to leave right after or whatsoever.

I nearly cried last night after some of the rude things she said. She was like a baby is supposed to be wonderful news and this baby isnt even born yet and is already hated...Well little tip of info, my bf and I love this baby to death and everyone in my family does asl well and he/she isn't even here...I am either 12 or going on 16 weeks as of saturday..i find out on tuesday because when i had my u/s on feb 2nd, the baby measured 5 cm. I was either 9 going on 10 or 13 going on 14 weeks. So we are assuming by the size i'm further along. MIL kept talking about how no one should be happy about this mistake etc etc,,,that's hurtful cuz this baby WAS NOT a mistake...I'm going to blow to her soon and tell her yeah ur son wanted a child, he kept asking for it for quite some time until we tried...

Basically she kept talking about how her baby and how no one is going to come across and how she will do anything for her baby and how I'm too young and she sees it coming that i will be unfit and thingslike that.., let me tell you one thing.. whoever wants to take this child away will have a darn hard time taking him/her away because I am going to do the best I can and I'll protect that little one with everything i have!

[CYW]

on top of that, I dont know if any of you had read the past postings i put yesterday. but I was in the ER for like 4 hours because I was spotting...My cervix was closed and baby had a strong and really fast heartbeat and what not and well on top of that, it was probably stress related.. she she claims we played house and played the games and lost now we messed up our lives cuz babies are only happy things when you are in your 30's..That's because she didnt have her son until she was 38 or so.. my mom was 24 when i was born and my dad was 22 and she said it was stupid for them to had planned me out that early...

[Agiesmom]

As a mother, I understand her feelings about the situation since you are both so young, but the situation is what it is.  I would NEVER have sat on the phone with her for 2 hours listening to that.  And I would do everything in my power not to "blow" (sounds like that's what she wants--a reaction from you).

I would tell your boyfriend (or husband?) that if he wants to listen to her and let her poison this for him, that's up to him, but that you want nothing to do with it.  If she can't be supportive, she should at least be silent.  And if HE can't be consistent with you and be a big boy and stand up to his mother and tell her in no uncertain terms that 1. this baby is wanted 2. he's going to be there full-time for this baby and you and 3. she's to keep her cakehole shut about it, then maybe his mother is right and he is too young and immature to be a father and husband--if he can't do that, he needs to remain living with her and you can go home and he can visit when he can and maybe one day when he's ready to be a man, you can be together as a family.

It really should be all or nothing and he really needs to do that in order to make things right imo.  He doesn't have to mean to her or end up not speaking to her at all--he can say, "I love you and I know you love me, but I'm happy and I'm doing this and you have to stop saying negative things."  And then, every time she starts to say anything, he needs to say, "I told you, I won't have any negativity about this." and walk away.  It will kind of be like dealing with a child--he'll need to be short, simple, and consistent.

This can only be one of two ways--he's either united with you for this baby and refuses to let his mother manipulate the situation or he's under his mother's control and a poor husband and father as a result.  It's up to him, though--he has to make that decision on his own.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Do not let this women continue to dump on you.  Say "I am sorry you feel that way, we are thrilled about this baby and sure hope you will love him or her too"  Then hang up.

[deanne11]

I think she must be crazy...what kind of grandma would say this baby is hated???!!!  I'm sorry, she has HUGE problems and you need to eliminate her from your life....at least for now.  You can not let her stress you out.  Of course your baby is loved....I even love your baby now and I don't know you.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this.  I feel guilty complaining about my overbearing MIL....at least she is overbearing because she loves us to much....

I'll be praying for you.  If your parents won't mind, maybe it is the best thing for you to move home.  My sis lived with my parents until her daughter was 10...it wasn't the best solution but it worked and all are happy.  It's so sad but I know BF will do the right thing and man up to his mother...You and his child will be priority, he is just young and confused right now.

[Meese]

Next time she calls and starts saying rude things I'd just hang up on her and keep doing that until she gets the point.  Your BF should also be talking to his mom and telling her to mind her own business, that he wants the baby and if she can't be happy for the two of you then she needs to stay away.  I feel bad for you, she's a miserable b***h!!  

[CYW]

i totally agree with both of you.. I'm the type of person that I hate being rude but if this keeps up who knows what will happen along the way of the pregnancy. I mean i don't feel like being put on bed rest or having to go for non stress tests etc. But now my perceptions have really changed and I think I will have to learn to be more assertive. My parents are being very protective right now and I havent got to talk to my mom about ALL of what she said but she is already not impressed...MIL makes it seem like doesn't matter what anyone else say it's all about her. And If for example my dad would try being rude to my BF she would get involved. Well my dad WILL NOT do that...He loves my bf, thinks we are awesome together..But if this keeps up I will have no choice but to leave. The reason will not have been because the relationship wasnt working it will be because of MIL. I'd hate to give up the man of my dreams that I love so much because of her so i told him this weekend(since I am at placement all day and when i get out he is at work)...Him and i wll be having a BIG talk and if I don't see anything I give up!I can't take it anymore.. I've been crying and crying and crying for the past 3-4 days now because somethings been wrong...Now I finally KNOW what it is and i'm putting my foot down for me and my child!

[shar7222]

I agree with everyone that you don't need to put up with mil's abuse.  The most important thing right now is taking care of yourself and your baby.  If worse comes to worse, maybe it would be a good idea to move back home.  It doesn't have to be permanent, just until you can get things in order.  Maybe that'll give bf a chance to get his act together too.  It sounds to me like the mil is really giving him a hard time too.  If I were you, I definitely wouldn't go over there either.  Her behavior is definitely mean and nasty right now.  

[LisaLuke]

The woman is obviously crazy.  It sounds like she feels her relationship with her "Baby" is being threatened and she doesn't like the fact that her control over him has been compromised.

Your boyfriend, i imagine, probably feels torn in two directions over his loyalty to his mum and his loyalty and responsibility towards you and the baby.  Have you asked him if he feels this way?  Its just my opinion, but i reckon if you let him get on with it, he'll realise by himself that his mother is the one thats causing all the problems and not you.  Men can whinge and moan about their relatives but if you start doing it as well they get all defensive, especially where mums are concerned.

She has way too much input into your relationship and her opinion should count in no way whatsoever, if that was my husbands mother i wouldn't go to her house for a talk because its got nothing to do with her.  She sounds like an extremely manipulative and controlling woman.  In the long run it'll be her that ends up all alone with no relationship with her son or grandchild.  

All the stress is not good for you or for the baby, so try and take it easy.  Your boyfriend obviously loves the baby if he got all emotional and nothing his mum does or says will ever take that feeling away from him.  It takes a lot to stand up to bullys (which is exactly what she is) but dont give up its her problem to deal with and she needs to get over herself!! I truly wish you good luck, please let us know how things go! :)

[LisaLuke]

I also just wanted to add that having a baby is a joyous time and you have every right to be happy and excited, don't let her take that away from you.  Your mum is right!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

[jennifer1977]

ah, this woman is Psycho!  Whether she thinks you made a mistake or not is not the point.  It is not about HER!  It is ALL about this precious little baby now!  And Id cut ties with her ASAP!  She is going to keep saying these things after baby comes and that is NOT good for your little one to hear!  I dont care how smart she thinks she is, she cant be any better than anyone else!  Look at her past!  You need 2 minutes with her your BF and you.  Tell him before hand that he is to tell her he wants this baby and is going to be the fulltime dad he didnt have and loves you with everything he's got, (and that he kept asking to have this baby with you)- or thats it!  
Bc your mil cant run the show.  Thats why a man LEAVES his mother and father to CLEAVE UNTO HIS WIFE!  
You and that baby are the most important things in his life and he needs to make that clear, or
bye bye.  He will eventually stand up to her and come back to you, but only after he realizes how serious you are.  You have got to get tough!  Not mean, just tough!

[New Mommy 2 Be 2007]

shes crazy god bless u and ur lil baby

[apple_blossom]

I'm always caught off guard that there are people like that in this world. Don't give her the chance to chew you out. Her son's legally an adult, and people can be responsible adults before they're 30. In any case, if she doesn't want a grandchild, she's welcome to stay out of his or her life - if that's the way she's going to be.

I would make sure bf is with you and not her, though.

My advice would be to NOT sit around thinking what you wish you could say to her. There's no perfect comment that will fix the way she is, because people like that don't even listen to their own consciences. The baby WILL be loved. It IS a happy time, and she's the one causing the unhappiness. Stay away from her, and good luck with the pregnancy.

[CYW]

I'd liek to thank you all of your help and support. This just helped me clear alot of things because she is being a bully. I mean I didn't know what to say to her yesterday so I just listened to her bash me out and what not. She keeps talking about how she wouldnt want to see the sucker that tried to tell her anything negative about her because she would have some really nice things to say. I think she was trying to mean that towards me because my dad has been drinking for the past 3 years because we found out his sister had cancer and then she passed march 22,2006. When I'm around he doesn't drink so I dont think he would around that grandchild if that were the case but I would think that automatically what would be her alltime defense to start bashing on my [arents when everyone says I have the best parents anyone could ver ask for. Sad thing is, the bf came over for a day and a night at my parents during x-mas/new years and he couldn't believe how our family was. He was like I wish my family was just like yours, I wish I was able to talk to my mom the way you communicate with your mom and i wish I had a dad to help and just talk to about all kinds of stuff. That hurts knowing now what is going on. I know he loves his mom but I've come to the point that I almost have to put it to it's either ME&BABY or HER! I won't allow being disrespected and hurt that way. Especially after she found out what happened at the hospital, she was concerned which was fine so she called to get more information because her son well he wasn't sure about every details, just knowing the baby and I are just fine for now. So after having that happen she kept saying I don't want to stress you I don't want to do that but yet kept doing so and I was scared of talking back at her about how I felt and as she talked I just had tears streeming down my face, I felt like bawling out. But I was the better person and let her just have her little tantrum fit and what not. She says once we know the due date she'll know more how to help me but all she kept saying was well I have "Goood Information/Guidance" for you and I have "Bad Information/Guidance". I'm a little worried about what she means there. Maybe adoption? She kept talking about how now there;s no turning back because I cannot go for an abortion and if I were her daughter etc etc...

She also was on about how she woulnt' let me hurt her son which as i mentioned i think it's custody issues..Well right now I think she is hurting us both and our relationship GREATLY because of what she is doing-which is wrong. We are trying to just be in love, in the moment, be happy and do what we gotta do and she cannot seem to realize that. He spends the weekends at my place on a regular basis-she was telling me she wanted that all to stop. OOOOK wierdo lol

[LisaLuke]

Hi again

Its so great that you have such a good relationship with your parents.  People don't realise how important family are, including your boyfriends mother. Its good that you have the support of your mum and dad.

The mother in law sounds like she can dish it out but can't take it back, which is why she is trying to scare you out of answering back by saying "she wouldnt want to see the sucker that tried to tell her anything negative about her because she would have some really nice things to say." Probably never in her life has she had anyone answer back at her.  So maybe it would be good for her to hear a few truths, whether she likes it or not.

When people are about to insult you they always say "I don't mean to sound horrible but......" or something similar, which sounds like what she's doing when she says she doesn't want to stress you out.

You could always embarass her and say "Thanks for your concern but i dont need any good guidance/bad guidance because i have the support of my boyfriend and my family who love me, respect my decisions and want the best for me" then hang up lol.

Don't let her ruin your relationship with your boyfriend, he may not be able to stand up to her and i know that frustrates the hell out of you, but someone needs to take control of the situation and that can be you. You call the shots, whether you like it or not she will probably be in your life for a long time whether you stay with your BF or not.  This is your life, you are your own person and no one has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do, you are an adult, dont let her wear you down!! :)

[tiredbuthappy]

just another thought... to me it sounds like she is the type of person who would dominate any conversation you had with her, and that you wouldn't actually get to fully express what you need to say. have you considered writing an eloquent letter that gently but firmly states everything you have expressed on this forum? you may want to write something now, while you are angry, so that you remember everything you wanted to express. then, reread it after a few days when you've had a chance to calm down. (this would be the point where you would probably edit and reword parts of it). then, show it to your BF. it's possible he'll ask you not to send it- at least he'll get a chance to see your views very clearly!!! if you decide to send it, at least you'll be able to convey your thoughts to her without being interrupted! if you don't send it, you may find the whole experience to be theraputic.

[Wooly25]

Here is something I do, my in-laws are pretty good they get on my nerves sometimes, and I am a letter writer.  I can never think of the right way to put things in person, or they always try to shoot back a comment, so I write it all down in a letter.  And mail or email it to them.  Yeah it makes them mad, but I get my points acrossed, and I don't have to worry about getting argued with at the time and forgetting what I wanted to say or having good info to back it up.  Yeah a letter can be kept, but looks like your in a no win win situation no matter what. so I say go for it, get all your thoughts and feelings off your chest.  It'll help you relive the stress, and will tell her off at the same time.  Good luck