I wanted to make sure you got this so I started a new post.
Go to these websites and read them. I think they may help you. I hope they do. On the first website there is a lot of very good info that if you listen to, should help you. I know you are struggling with this and feel guilty. This site may help you work through that. Click on the links on the left side and read through them. I hope this helps.
Thanks for the links. There was a lot of really good info there. None of which I havent thought of already. I know what I am doing is crazy and I know theres the potential for it to be dangerous. But I have to be the one to decide that, and from everything I know about him, he is in no way shape or form dangerous. No I am not willing to meet with him tomorrow, but we do plan to meet. I just dont see a single father, obtaining custody of his 2 daughters as being very likely to be a murderer. My marriage didnt start going downhill because of this meeting, it has been this way for a long time now. There were many problems even in the very begining, but I have tried to work through them for almost 11 years now. Everyone has their breaking point. I know it sounds selfish for me to want to be happy and put my children in the group of those from a broken home, but if their mother is not happy could they ever truely be happy themselves. Thanks again for your concern and comments.
You have every right to be happy, You are right about that.
It sounds like you have made your mind up. I really do hope the best for you and hope everything works out the way it was ment to. Stay safe please..I wish you all the best.
wow.........Iv'e read the previous posts and agree with all of you...this is going to end badly....we can't predict the future but all I see is heartache, heartache, heartache! I think her DH is emotional abusive but if she needs to leave then leave on her own! No jumping into another relationship....this is a sure enough recipe for disaster! I really really hope she will listen and steer clear of this new guy...I smell a rat! Good luck to her she is going to need it!
i think most (wives/husbands)have thought about leaving (even in the back of their mind). heck i've only been married 3 yrs and wanted to leave once....lol
it's a natural reaction when things get bad. it was after my first m/c too and i was so emotional and hormonal. i didn't really want to leave but it's the easy thing to do.
and boy am i glad i blew up at dh and told him all i wanted to say...our marriage is so strong now. i'm not scared to tell him how i'm feeling no matter what the cost because i know he isn't going anywhere.
I will back you 100% on this. I've been married 18 years and even though at times he irrates me beyond belief I stand strong on honoring my vows. We've been thru alot (his gambling addiction for one thing) and it would have been so much easier to leave.
I personally find the fact that she allows her children to talk to him on the phone and carries on a conversation with him around her husband letting him continue to think they are just friends is absolutely DISGUSTING.
I just wanted to say if anything I agree with you 100% about one thing you said.
Happiness comes from within. You can not look to others to make you happy. People are human and everyone has faults no one can be perfect 100% of the time.
I know if I had met my husband sooner, 4 years sooner (we almost met) it would not have worked. I was not at a place where I could be happy.
I found my happiness deep inside me and boy when I met my DH....now I know this is for life.
I feel for Shaneswife, she sounds exactly like my mom, with the exception that my mom did leave my dad for 6 months but not for another man....she just left. We were all grown and it even hurt us grown children.
Now, they are back and bicker and bicker like "everybody loves raymonds - parents" on that show...lol, but they do love each other.
They are committed. That is one thing I remember. My pastor talked to my DH and I prior to getting married. He said. Marriage isn't about love, after time the love changes. it's there but not the same as giddy love. Marriage is about COMMITMENT. Working through it all, together.
Wow, you are going through a lot. I'm not so sure that I would leave my husband for a man I meet on the internet, but I don't know what you are going through either. If your husband isn't abusive or hasn't cheated on you, why leave him without giving him a chance? You have a history with him and what if you meet this man and things go great and then you are in the same boat with him and meet another man on the internet when times are hard with him - you leave him? If you are not happy with your husband maybe time apart will help - then you could really understand how you feel about him. I know you are not planning to leave, but before you get to that point - make sure. I have found in my own life that jumping from one man to another didn't work - now this is just me and what I think. I do hope things work out for you and that you are happy, as well as your children. Good luck and try not to stress to much - enjoy your pregnancy :-)
not being fulfilled in your marriage is NOT the worst thing that could happen- and you vowed for better or worse.
I am not saying all this without being with a jerk, trust me. I spent 11 years chasing my DH and wondering why he didnt love me etc. But I tried something different than run. I owed it to myself and my children. I wooed my hubby and treated him like I wanted to be treated, and at first it took alot more of him being a jerk, bc it was like he was testing me. Long story short, it didnt take long at all for him to wake up, and talk to me. He told me the things that have been bothering him all these years, and realizes he does love me more than anything and now he treats me like a queen. He opens up, talks, calls just to ask how my day is going. (I too stay home with 5 kids and homeschooling 3 of them). I changed MYSELF and things took a dramatic turn and now all those years are totally worth it. And his new attitude towards me has not faded for a year now, so I dont think its a phase. It took alot of biting my tongue, enjoying sex when I didnt want to, doing nice things for him and basically just awakening the love we had in the beginning. Dont get me wrong, I am still myself, but I had alot of negativity in me and he knows its from all he put me through, but now we are getting to know each other all over again. Now he says he loves even more now than when we were teenagers. (Yes, I married my high school sweetheart) When you let go of fantasies of a better life, and focus on LOVING your own husband- you will see dramatic change. You dont owe your kids happiness with a different man, which they are not going to get, you owe them happiness with their daddy. They will never be happier than with their mother and father together, you are fooling yourself, justifying your selfish wants and not using an objective view. I know its hard, I know at times you hate your dh, but you can change it, why not give it one last TRUE shot. Take a month break from the other guy, if hes so great he will go along with it. Take that month to woo your hubby. As any other normal mom, I am sure you would die for your kids, this is much much easier than that, and if you cant try for them.........
ps, i agree with deanne, marriage is commitment, and TRUE love is not the high at the beginning. It is security in knowing that NO MATTER what, you are commited. TRUE love is a choice. Every day you have the choice to love your husband or not. Make the right choice. The bible talks about this subject alot, I wont bore you with the gory details but here are just a few points: (not direct quotes, just the points the bible makes)
*anything done in secret is NOT good, and will lead to more of the same
*Older women are to teach younger women how to love thier OWN husband (apparently we need to learn that it is just not natural, proving true love is not the feeling)
*strange women (or men) are the pathway to death. Nothing good comes from cheating, read Proverbs chapters 5 & 7 and you will get a good description of this.
* Whoso commiteth adultry with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul (dont destroy this new man's soul, even if he is great, he lacks understanding, your childrens' stepfather would be a fool.
* The bible says the adultress brings death to her household. Sad. Death. not happiness.
Put your feelings on hold, bc no one can trust their heart, use your head. Seek true knowledge. God didnt say these things to hold us in bondage, He said these things, bc these words are true and wise, and if we would only listen, and practice, we would save ourselves alot of heartache, and DEATH. I am not saying your children will die. But something in each of you will die, and you can not get those things back. Please seek wisdom and use your head. Guilt is not meant to hold you back from great things, it holds you back from doing something foolish and deadly. ***all this I typed in love even though I dont know you* ((HUGS))
I am so happy you decided to stick with it.
Your family is the most important thing...and DH kids and you..make up your family.
I am so sorry to hear about your father...I am going through some tough times too with my dad....
I even had to post in the men's forum for some help.
They have been quite comforting.
You have alot on your plate...m/c...new baby coming...dad is sick...you and hubby...
You don't need to add to it.
You will get through all of this and DH will be right behind you..
Guys are alot diff from us...they don't always say or do the things we wished them to...
But they do love us...even though sometimes it may not seem enough.
DH does love you... he just has a different way of showing it.
Be honest with him..
Tell him you need a lil extra support from him....an ear ...a shoulder to cry on...whatever you need.
You have to tell him.
I'm sure things will work out just fine...and in a year from now..you'll look back and blame it all on your whacky hormones!!! LOL....
I know. I am not putting judgement on her, it is hard to stay in a situation like this, but adding a new guy will only make things worse.
Many times I wanted to leave, but there is the whole commitment thing, and I had to give it my best shot. Icouldnt leave without knowing I gave my all, and with that commitment, I changed our marriage and lives around (by God's grace) by changing myself. It turns out that commitment and determination to stay was exactly what my DH needed. I dont want to get into his issues, but he had a fear of abandonment that manifested itself as a constant testing to actually try to prove his fear right by trying to make ppl leave him. When I showed devotion to him like no other he responded with apologies, and action to back it up, and love like neither of us have ever known. Divorce and untrustworthiness are everywhere, and it seems so easy (keyword "seems") to just run from everything, but it ends up hurting everyone, and it would be so much better to stick it out and fight for yor marriage. The world will say "dont stay just for the kids" but God would not agree and you can find true peace and happiness in your own marriage. She does not have peace about this other guy, it is obvious by her guilt.
fight or flight, right?
I chose fight- but in a constructive way:) Relationships are so much stronger when you stick it out through the really bad times. We've been through everything a marriage can go through I think, and that was all before we were even married. But this is the man I chose, and fell in love with, and this is the one I am going to fight for. Totally worth it!
Marriage is really not for the faint of heart. lol...
It is hard work and strength, and determination, and annoyances, and grief. But in the end I would love to hold my Husbands wrinkly old hand, and know what I paid to have it so.
You are being a fool, you have been placing the blame on your affair on your husband's shoulders and not on yourself. You are a fool to think this guy is what he says he is. Do you ever watch the news? Read the newspaper? The world is full of these "perfect" single dads who's first wife did horrible things so now they have to raise their two little girls alone. Wake up, you are most likely waltzing right into the arms of a sex offender.
I cannot believe you have the balls to blame your dh for this. I cannot believe you think you are in love with someone you met on the internet. I cannot believe you have such little care and concern for your children that you would even consider this.
I agree with the others, direct this same attention to your dh and you will most certainly see a change in your relationship. I am absolutely repulsed by all of this. The fact that you lie right to your dh's face about this, carry on these conversations when he is right there. Given what you are saying, I almost think you deserve nothing short of having your dh boot you to the curb and he get custody of the kids. You are obviously more concerned with yourself anyway.
It is people like you that have destroyed the sanctity of marriage. I realize you were looking for support, but on this particular situation, I am not capable of supporting someone who is foresaking not only the man she swore to love till death, but also placing her children in harms way. Leave if you must, but leave the children with their dad.
Did I write that?!?! ; -) I will remember that you will probably be the only one to back me up on this. I fear I may face the wrath of some angry folks. But I can't apologize for my words, I do believe she is placing her children in harms way by continuing this, not only emotionally, but in dire physical harm as well.
Even though all my losses and my dh's inept way of comforting, I still love him. He didn't fully grasp my ache when I had the blighted ovum. It was, afterall, not a "real" baby in his mind. Technically, the baby never did develop, so I cannot fault him for the literal definition.But he bawled like a baby when we suffered our first loss together. But he overcame his grief alot sooner than I did. Do I think he is a POS because of that? Absolutely not. Do I seek the comfort of another man because he wasn't asking me 100 times aday how I felt while pg? Nope, I accept that it is hard for him to grasp every single detail of me being pg because he is not feeling every single symptom I am feeling. Did I ask for a divorce attorney in the delivery room while I was laboring with my 1st and he smelled of chips and soda despite the fact I wasn't allowed to eat? Not quite. I did however give him an earful when he complained about his shoulder hurting from holding my leg during the THREE HOURS OF PUSHING I had to do ; )
Short of something major like DV, serious infidelity, or addiction that cannot be overcome, I do not see the reason to high tail it out of a marriage. That, of course, if my personal take on it. Perhaps I should have kept that to myself. Maybe I should have kept this whole thing to myself, but maybe it will help her realize what she is doing.
Sometimes it takes a while to work through the pros and cons of things and talk it out and see what will be best in a situation. I think you are heading in the right direction. I also think too that you are needing some support, love, affection and understanding and that you should perhaps join other support groups for those who are grieving or had a loss. You have so much that you are going through that it would be good if you can surround yourself with supportive individuals who have really "been there" and experienced it. It is still a risk to talk to this other guy, however, it is difficult to really go cold turkey and if you are backing away and getting closer to your DH, you are heading down a better path. Keep your chin up, you will make it through this. And, I don't think anyone really thought you were a bad mother or putting your children at risk--I think we saw you as a hurting mom needing love. I hope you find that with your DH :) and...do something special just for you--a spa day...hair, makeup...take some time to love you too :)
I want to thank you all for your comments and suggestions, especially the posts that are brutially honest. You have all helped me a great deal. I have turned to my best friend and spoken with her for hours on this subject (she is the one who set me up with my husband) She, as well as all of you have gotten through to me. My eyes have been opened to the fact that, while my DH is'nt perfect, he is my husband. I have been going through hell lately with the m/c and I haven't metioned this yet, but as my best friend pointed out, possible depression due to the m/c and the fact that I am loosing my father. He has alzheimers, parkinsons, heart disease among many other problems. He is declining rapidly and is now refusing to eat. The dr has taken him off of all of his meds and says its only a matter of time. My best friend knows how close I am with my dad and she seems to think that this coupled with the recent m/c has put me in a tailspin. To be honest the thing I talk about the most with this other man is my father and his current health. The other man has been through the same thing with his grandmother whom raised him. My husband has never lost a parent, and unless you have been through it you just dont get it. My friend tells me that it is the stress and sadness I am feeling that has helped get me in this situation. I agree with her, I can barely cope with the fact that soon I will be loosing my father, I worry what will happen to my mother and now that I am pregnant, it kills me to think this baby will never meet it's grandfather. I lay in bed every night and cry for my father while my DH asks whats wrong and I tell him and he says oh and rolls over to sleep. I have taken this as not caring but maybe it has to do with the fact that he just doesnt get how badly it hurts. I have just been going through a tough time personally and sought comfort where ever I could find it. I think I have mistaken a sympathetic ear for love somehow. I want to thank each and everyone of your for you honesty and your sympathy for my situation. I have seen the light so to speak and now I will focus on what I have while I have it, instead of dreading what is to come. I am positive that when it happens my DH will be right there beside me to comfort the blow of my loss. There are so many other women out there who have it way worse than I. DH obviously loves me or else he wouldnt be here. I have called off the meeting and decided to just be friends,the other man is understanding of this. I know many of you will say to just cut all ties with him but I do feel as if he is a great listener and is theraputic somehow for me (as far as my fathers condition goes) I realize now that my DH is here for the long haul as well as I should be. Thanks again so much for the honesty, and on one last note, NO WAY IN HELL WOULD I EVER ENDANGER OR HURT MY CHILDREN WILLINGLY!!!!! They are my life and my purpose for breathing, they deserve their father in their lives everyday. For them, I would walk to hell and back. I owe it to them to stay and fix this.
I am happy to hear that while i may have been a little brutal, it gave you pause to think about the situation. I know your pain, I lost my real mother in 2003 and a few weeks later suffered a m/c. It was and still is painful to think about. My husband, while he is a great guy, simply cannot empathize as both of his parents are still here. I am fortunate to have "another mom" that I am very close to and actually refer to as my mother, but there are no words to explain the loss of a biological parent even though my real mom was not always a good person.
I do worry, however that by continuing this relationship you are risking further harm to your marriage. Turn to us for support and understanding, turn to your best friend, or maybe even more importantly, turn to your husband. I just feel that this guy is grooming you for something horrible.
Good luck to you, please keep what we have all said in your heart and mind.
Again thanks for the brutal honesty, it has really helped open my eyes. Yes I completely understand the continued concern about not cutting off all ties with this man. I know it is hard to swallow but I do see him as supportive in the issues with my father. You have said you went through this loss yourself. First of all I want to say I am so so sorry for your loss, and I know you understand the pain that comes with it, along with the m/c. Its all just so hard, you kind of feel like life as you have always known it is coming to an end. My husband has been trying harder the past couple of days, he has comforted me during a few of my crying over my father spells. Easter was very tough because we know that is will probably be my dads last holiday, but things went well. The whole family came over to spend time with my dad, we ate we hunted eggs and we listened to my dads favorite music. My husband came in the room grabbed me and started dancing with me in front of everyone, ( he is usually very shy) It has already become a great memory for me. My husband has been calling me from work during the day now saying that he just wants to talk to his beautiful wife:) (he's a big dork:) He took the day off of work just for the heck of it and spent the whole day with me! He has talked about if we have a boy that we should name him after my father. He is really making an effort, and all of this coupled with everyones comments and opening up to my friend has made me see that I love him deeply and yes we have our problems but who doesnt. Life is so short ( my father is only 56) and why spend it seeking what might be when we can just embrase what is right in front of our faces! Thanks to all
My mom was only 48 when she died, so I understand on that level well. But i know I would not have made it through all that without the support of my husband and friends. I feel it would have been unfair to cut my husband out of that loop, he is, afterall, the one i swore to spend the rest of my life with. He also understands the "For better or worse' part of things and we have undergone more in our relaitonship than most can comprehend. I once had a close relationship with another man before my dh and i got married. Once we were married, I realized how wrong it was to continue my friendship, especially considering i knew the other man had developed feelings for me. I realized i needed to be sharing my joy, concerns, fears, and so on with my husband, not with someone else. It was trough to breka off contact, he offered me a sense of security as he was a cop and i had been the victim of a brutal home invasion/rape while living in Houston where we both lived at the time. My dh was stationed in WA and this other man was local. He was one of the responding officers that night, I had known him for nearly a year before the attack, but knowing he was there offered me a lot of comfort. I continued to see him as a source of security for months until my dh was able to get out of the USAF. My relationship continued for a few months later , at which point i finally broke it off when we moved back to WA. It was tough, he had become a very close friend, someone i could talk to about anything. He was married and had two small children and I somehow felt that if I kept him busy with me, he wouldn't find someone to actually cheat on his wife with. Seems odd, I know, but I was young and somewhat dumb then. I didn't have kids back then, had I had kids then, there is no way in a million years I would have had a relationship like that. Even though there was nothing sexual involved, I would have felt it even more inappropriate. Now that I am older, and hopefully wiser, I see that even without kids that was not a healthy relationship for married woman to have, regardless of the security it afforded me. My husband knew of my relationship, he knew I spent alot of time around him, but at the time he also felt safer knwoing i had someone to watch over me. He didn't have a clue abouit this other mans feelings about me until after the relationship was severed.
Bottom line, I guess what I am trying to say is while I understand, it is still something you should reconsider. I truly do believe that your continued contact with him will only cause problems with your marriage. Lean on your dh, he will welcome the hcnace to offer you a shoulder to cry on.
I feel so much for this woman because it reminds me of my mother but I think she is being foolish...just like my mother was and admitted to.
It's hard but I think we all could swallow this a lot easier if she had ended the marriage first or at least gave her dh a clue she wanted to end it.
Going from one guy to the next without a break for herself and her children will only destroy those kids.
Those kids talk to this other man and think it is a 'friend' of their mothers. When the figure out the 'truth' they will feel betrayed by their mother and this 'man' and it wouldn't surprise me if they sided with their dad.
It's a sad situation. All I know is she doesn't think there will be a custody fight....well when any man finds out that his wife wants to move his kids in with another man she met on the internet.
I don't know. I talked to my dh about it last night and he said, as man who loves his kids and has pride in himself....it would never be that easy.
I added you on our church's prayer list last night, and when I read this this morning, I actually started to cry! I feel such a burden for you and your marriage, and I am glad you are seeing things in your DH that either have not been there for a long time, or you didnt see before.
God Bless you and keep us informed.
Also I will be praying for your father and your family during this scary and painful time.
I'm happy to hear you are going to give your marriage a chance. I hope things work out between the 2 of you. I'm very sorry to hear about your father. My mil died 5 years ago due to dementia/alzheimers and it is very difficult.
I just want to say I agree with everything you said 100%.
You said it with brutal honesty which I have learned doesn't work here sometimes. But I applaud you. I just wish people would wake up and see that sometimes men are men.
It's funny because I'm 13 weeks pregnant and if my DH asks me one more time how I'm feeling I'll put him through the wall. He asks me like 100 times a day....So they can't win. LOL
I feel like ****. I'm throwing up 24/7, round ligament pain and headaches and heartburn.....If he asks me again, I'm going to give him some pain. In 5 minutes I'll still feel like ****.
I'm so glad you are trying to work things out. I'm very sorry to hear your father is sick and I'll be praying for your family.
To continue this relationship with the other man could prove to cause more harm than good to your family.
I would strongly suggest to cease all contact that your children have with this man. I know you say you trust him but what is it about him you trust? You don't know him. I would never let my child talk to someone that I don't know....never met.
Look, I worked in social care and worked with abuse and abducted children as a counselor. You DO NOT want your children involved or speaking to this man on the phone or online. Please, please listen to me on this one thing.
It's not pretty what a man says and does online/phone and what he truly is. I do have personal (unfortunately) experience with a situation like this. My sister did the same thing (except she was a single mother with a 14 yr old girl).
It did not end well.
Thanks so much for the prayers, you don't know how much that means to me and my family! As far as people posting brutaly honest things with the fear of being reported, I would never do that. You have all said the same things to me that I have gone over and over again in my own head. I would never have posted here if I wasn't willing to take any and ALL comments seriously and without hard feelings. So anyway thanks again for the prayers and kind words of wisdom. As far as still talking with this man,,yes I am still talking to him,,as a friend and only that. I dont think the feelings I thought I had for him were real, I think it was just the many things we have in common that made me feel like I "loved" him. I still respect him as a human being and I still enjoy speaking with him on friendly terms. My children havent been talking to him anymore, but ,yes I do still talk with his children, and my husband still talks with him also. Good Luck to all of those ttc ladies out there. I am due Dec 13th, anyone share this date with me who would like to be preggo buddies let me know:)
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