So scared the father is not my husband!!

Hi!
Well, this is my first time on this forum!!
I have a very big problem!!
I had my last period on the 10th of April.
I went to a trip to Crete with my husband on the 23-26 of April being my fertile days and had sex with no protection and on the 24 th he did not pull out at time . Usually I have a regular period of 28 days.
By my big mistake I had sex with a man on the 30th evening of April without condomn but he pulled out .
Now I am pregnant and all the Ultra sounds I made showed conception at dates from 22-26 April that matches well with my husband.
I heard that US are +-5 days accurate that in the worst case the 26 April date could correspond but not the 22 April date.
Also when I tested pregancy with ClearBlue I had a faint line the day I misses my period.
The 11 th May I made a test on the 10th May morning and I had 74 HCG level, on the 15 May I had a 506 level.
Along with this rate I can calculate from that that my level was 30 only 8 days after conception if it was with the second man.
Also I heard that home urine test usually detect HCG from th first day of missed period meaning detect HCG at 14 days post ovulation not early as 9 days after.
I am so scared I am maybe gonna have a pre-natal DNA testing but for now I live in a nightmare my husband naturally doesn't know it!!
What do you think only to support me??

[Casey1]

Oh boy.  You made a big mistake there sister, and you have to decide if you want your husband to find out through paternity testing or from you.

Come clean.  Otherwise you will have to live this lie, and the child will have to live it as well.

[iceskater]

I agree with the post above. You need to tell your husband what happened. Its not fear on him or you child if its not his. If you really love him and care about him you will talk to him about it. Hopefully you can work things out for the childs sake, but next time think before you have a one night stand, is it worth it?

I wish you all the best as I can only imagine what it must be like not knowing who the father is.

Good luck

[hther]

Depending on the HPT used it can detect that early. I had a faint + 10 days after ovulation so I knew almost a week before I missed my period.  I would also have to agree with the above posts.  You obviously knew you were fertile during those dates and still chose to have intercourse with the other man. This is something that you will have to tell your husband. You need to know who the father is for your child's sake for things like medical history, ect. Not mentioning the simple fact the child should know who it's father is. Good luck to you, this will be very hard for you. I wish you the best.

Heather

[Flowerchild3]

This is a job for Dr. Laura !!
I don't even want to touch this one! Yikes!
You just traded a few hours of passion for a potential lifetime of heartache for yourself and your child.
Maybe your post will stop someone else from making your mistake.
Think long and hard before you do anything.
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes...

[Heidi23]

Hi Oriane,
I am in a similar situation as well. I found out I was pregnant and it was ealier my ex fiance or someone else. There was a two week difference on who the father could be. I work for an OBGYN who says they say the sonogram dates are accurate to actually within three days of conception! She also said she would never reccomened doing a prenatal test before the baby was born....since an amniosentisis (sorry for the spelling) can be very very risky for the baby and is usually only done if there are health issues for the baby. Most all doctors refuse to do these just for the purpose of a paternity test. I made the hard choice of telling both Men that had been involved in my life and even though the sonogram showed my conception date to be matched up to my ex fiance, I still plan on having a paternity test after the baby is born. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Oriane]

To everyone!!!
I really have to tell that to tell me that I had to think about it before I am telling it to myselg these last 3 months and I live in a nightmare. So believe me that I feel very very bad!!!
Also when I was in Crete in my fertile days it was with my husband and my husband did not pull out at time during these fertile days (12-15) days after my period.
So I think thst my husband is the father also all the Ultrasound show the date that matches with my trip with my huisband.
What happened is that on the 30th of April , 20 days after my period  I was with someone(that I REGRET!!!) but he pulled out at time and I was not at my fertile days!!
I was just asking because the Ultra sound are all matching with my husband dates but I read that there can be mistake of +-5 days that only in all the five doctors that made me my ultrasounds made all the same mistake then they evaluated the date with 5 days more than it is really.
I am going to have an amnio for pre-natal paternity testing and the other man will give me his cheek cell in 1 week.
Then I hope and pray as I think that the result will tell that this man is NOT the father!!!
I hope that now you understood my writings!!
                Thanks

[rubbiesfire]

I am sorry I dont mean to critize you, but if you where trying to get pregnant with your husband, WHat would possess you to sleep with a man other then your husband and think there might not be any repocussions.

I all ways beleave Being honest is the best policy, Lies build and feed on you. Release the burden on your mind. ALso the stress cant be good for your pregnancy.

I wish you the best of luck in your dilema.

[Still_AndiJ]

My guilty pleasure is those paternity test shows like Maury. Not because I relish in other peoples pain, but because I am always curious to know what would possess someone to throw away their marriage.

My hubby and I often see those shows together and still have no idea why someone would commit adultery. I honestly do believe the husband should know, regardless of the paternity results.

Thought this is not a path I would have chosen for myself, it is not my place to pass judgement. I have to agree with the last post, why would you sleep with someone else if you were trying to conceive with your husband?

This is a very puzzling situation and I just hope everything works out. Hopefully you have a very forgiving husband, i am not so sure mine would be (if there were a paternity issue especially) and he is pretty understanding.

Good Luck


Andrea

[Oriane]

Hi again!
Well, I think this will be my last-email because I feel not understood.
I was not trying to get pregnant but my husband did not pull out at time because sometimes it happens . I am with him for 10 years and we do not use pills and I always prevent doing sex on my fertile days though it is not always the best thing to do.
So when I did it with the other man (that I REGRET but I think nobody understands) I did not even know that I was pregnant.
When I got the news of my pregnancy I got very scared something inside me told me that I can not avort if this baby is probabaly my husband's child and I see it as a god wish!
The paternity test that I will do will be with the other man not my husband to make sure that he is NOT the father.
I am all days thinking if to tell him or not but till now what would has he done?? Leave me, Being worry!
For now, it is my mistake and I have to face it till I will get the result the penalty is already here when I can not sleep all night!
If I will get a bad answer then I will have to tell him!!!
We will see then what to do ...If he wnats me anymore because we have a lovely girl of 2 years old that loves the two of us together!!!
                 Bye Bye

[HannahL]

I really feel the need to say this, let him without sin cast the first stone, Its obvious that this young lady made a big mistake, but to say things like I would'nt want to be in your shoes.  that is comments thats not going to help her at all.  I agree with the other post about sitting down with your husband and confessing your wrong and asking for forgiveness.(only if you don't feel that telling him would put you in some type of danger. You know him better that any of us, and you know how he reacts to things.  If it would make you feel better or more secure get a close relative to be there, because he's going to need alot of support, and may not want it from you right then.  I will pray for you to stand strong and not fall into something like this again,  and I pray that your husband will have the heart to forgive you and stay with you,and that the two of you will make it through this together. I love the song the says we fall down but we get up!

[ashty]

I was in the same situation as you.  I used a condom, but it broke!!  The dates were almost the same as yours.  I had a paternity test, and all was well.  I had a CVS since it can be done earlier in the preganncy than amnio.  The child is my husband's, so we are thrilled!  We have an open marriage, so my husband was aware of the situation.  Just be sure that whoever does the paternity testing is AABB approved.  There are some labs out there that aren't reliable.  I have the name and number of a good place if you need it.  Please let me know how you are doing!  Best Wishes!!

[Lisadengel]

I just wanted to gently remind you of something no one has touched on yet, which doesn't even have to do with the pregnancy.

If you had sex with this man who did not use a condom -- regardless of whether or not he pulled out -- you must get tested for venereal diseases and HIV.  They should do that routinely in your pregnancy but if they haven't that needs to be done.  If you picked up something from this man you could put your husband at risk.

I don't want or mean to scare you because obviously you are very scared, but STD's need to be ruled out.  I would NOT take this man's word for it if you have discussed this with him.  If the blood tests show you have gotten a veneral disease from him, you really have no choice but to tell your husband.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that the baby is your husband's and that you are disease-free.

[Lisadengel]

That second paragraph should read "I don't want to be mean or to scare you..."

[Lisadengel]

I meant the 3rd paragraph!  Brain freeze.

[Oriane]

To Lisadengel and ashty !!!!
Well, I thought I was alone in that world!!
Well, my case is a little bid worse because that I do not have an open mariage and I did not tell my husband till now cause  I think he had react badly and if he is really the father , what I think, then it could destroy my life. If he is not then god will decide !!!
I think that I believe in destiny and if god wanted me to get pregnant so suddenly from my husband then when I will do the amnio god will also want to make me go through it without the risk for the baby.

I had 5 different Ultrasound from 5 different doctors and they all showed more or less the same date the 23,24,26,26,26 that matches with my trip to Crete with my husband that for the worst case is 3 days from the 30th and the best case are 1 week away.
Anyway I plan to have the amnio and I found a very good doctor that will do it on the 11th of August.
I will be then 17 weeks pregnant.
The lab I found is GeneTree.
Is it good?
I hope so, I have then to send the liquid by Fedex.
It is the only solution I found.
ashty at what time in your pregnancy did you tell your ex-fiance and also Lisadengel at what time???
                  Thanks

[ashty]

My husband knew from the very beginning.  He knew it was a problem before I even knew I was pregnant.  I would call Gene Tree and ask them if they are AABB approved.  I used DNA Diagnostics Center.  The number is 1-800-303-9085.  They were very helpful answering my questions, and the results were fast.  The main thing is that whoever you use is AABB (American Association of Blood Banks) approved.  

You are not alone, and don't let judgemental people turn you off to the site.  There are people out there that want to help you.  I just wish when I was going through the agony of this, there was someone on the site to offer advice.  I know I had trouble finding a doctor to do the procedure.  When I finally got in touch with DNA diagnostics, they were able to refer me to a doctor.  I had to travel an hour and a half, but it was well worth it!!

Good luck!  Keep us informed!

[Lisadengel]

I was not in the same situation as you at all...I think you are confusing me with another poster -- Heidi, I think.  I have absolutely never been in your shoes.  I have never been with anyone but my husband since we got married 7 years ago.

My post encouraged you to be tested for venereal disease because that would absolutely positively need to be shared with your husband if you came up positive for one or more of them, not to mention HIV.

[DM]

I'm really sorry for what happened. But I would encourage you to look inside yourself and determine what is causing you to seek love outside your marriage. It may be that you do noy feel right about yourself hence the desire to seek reassurance from other men. Please love yourself enough to remain faithful to your husband. Sek God's forgiveness and seek his wisdom on how to go about dealing with the situation and I'm sure he will show you the way and grant your husband patience and understanding.
DM

[DM]

We are all sinners but God's grace is sufficient. If we ask for forgiveness he gadly forgives us but we have to turn away from our sins and never repeat the same mistake again knowingly.
I'm Praying for you.

[Vicky555]

We all make mistakes and all actions have concequences. I am only human too and I don't judge other people's mistakes. I think that all the suffering that you are going thru is enough. I think it's safe to say that you will not put yourself or your family at risk ever again. I think it is wise NOT to tell your husband unless of course he is not the dad, I hope your suspicions are accurate and that you seek therapy (we all do things for a reason) or something spiritual like Yoga and Meditation. Good luck!

[Casey1]

Of course you don't feel understood.  Most of us can't understand why you would do something like this.  I'm glad you feel bad - you should.  But it doesn't make the wrong of it go away just because you 'feel bad'.

Really, I don't usually come down hard on people in cases of adultery EXCEPT when there is the life of a child at stake.  I wish you all the best and encourage you to tell your husband everything.  He deserves it.

[Chloe2003]

hello.. My question is why shouldnt she tell her husband he has a right to know.. are you married?? how would you feel if you found out he was cheating on you but never told you? this is just my thought on this and i dont understand why somebody would think it would be ok NOT to tell there husband.. She could have picked up some kinda diease and could give it to him or the baby.. anyways this is just my opion.. and ppl have different opions

~*Chloe*~

[Chloe2003]

sorry for the spelling **opinion**

[Vicky555]

Yes, Chloe I am married and I would never do something to risk the break-up of my family. I am happily married and our 5 anniversary is around the corner. Yes, she committed adultery and yes she will carry this for the rest of her life, but I'm  thinking about the children. If she tells her husband now then he will rpobably leave her and those two kids will grow up away from their daddy. Children need their daddy's to be by their side ever single night. You see Chloe, everybody is different. I could never cheat on my husband and get away with it, we are so connected he would probably read it on my face or I would scream it out. Some people can be so selfish and insecure that they cheat and live lies with no problems. I give my suggestion according to people's moral views, that's all. We all have different view, I don't intend to change your, i just thought i clarify my views.

[Still_AndiJ]

I am sorry I just have to comment on this again. We all agree adultery is wrong, right? Isn't lying wrong also, even if it is lying by ommission? I would rather take the chance of my husband leaving than live a lie. Eventually the truth will come out and the children will know you lied about it. Now not only have you betrayed your vows, you have lied to you family.

I hate to come down so hard, but like many other posts have mentioned, she has put her family in danger. She doesn't know if the other man could have had HIV which she could pass to her hubby and unborn child. Adultery has much higher stakes than it did 30 years ago. My parents split up because of an affair, yet that didn't change the fact that my father did still love us and was never out of our lives. One has nothing to do with the other.

For every action, there is a consequence. I believe she should confess to her husband and face the consequences of her actions like a woman. It was her gamble and regardless of who the father is, he is still her husband and has the right to know. I would want to know and I know my hubby would too.

Well, I am done venting for now. Thanks for readin my gripe : ) Sorry if I offended anyone, but this is a thread that encourages our OPINION even if it is shared by everyone else.

God Bless

Andrea

[ashty]

Every individual and relationship is unique.  Everyone must do what they feel is the best thing to do under the circumstances.  I don't think anyone can tell someone else what to do in a case like this.  Nor do I believe that anyone truly knows what they would do until put in a situation.  Listen to your heart!

[Oriane]

A last thing I wanted to say is that I am not a cheater ,I am really NOT selfish and I can not live with lies but I think first of all of all our family!!!!

[Oriane]

Hi to all!
Well,I have been reading these days all of your comment and did not react to it untill now.
I think the best comment is ashty saying that " you could never know what you'll do untill you are put in a situation like this!".That's my case and I never thought in my awfulest nightmare that this will happen to me but in life you can not always predict what will happen to you!!!
I know this man is clean, apart of it the fact to keep silence till now is much more harder than to tell him what happened.
I go through each day and in the evening when I go to sleep with my husband I fell the deep inside me burning to tell him what happened!
I know that I made a HUGE mistake but I think we can not say about each of ourselves that we'll never make mistake.
Each day when I look into my daughter's eyes she is so pretty and I love her so much and I know that she loves the two of us (my husband and I) unified together it is something that I don't want her to go through. Till now I am very nervous but I HAVE to save my mariage and for my part I think that a unified family is much better for the children , of course when the two husband and wife loves each  other, that's our case and has nothing to do with what happened to me with the other man . Sometimes in life a second of foolness is enough to make you make mistakes not only with sex.
Like accidents or whatever....
Also I think that if I had told him he would not have told me to have an abortion cause I am almost sure that it is his child.
So I would have had to go through the same process but maybe then he would have wanted to leave or whatever...
I also went to a Kabalist, a religious people and explained him everything and I consulted him and he told me that the child is a boy and he is from my husband.
For now he was right in case of the boy,and I hope he was also right about being my husband's.
He told me that I made a mistake but you can during your life fix things by actions and also it is not recommended to explain him cause "peace at home" in the religion is much more important.
Well, I could write a whole book about what I have been going through.
For now I will have my amnio on Monday 11th then I will have to wait for the result.
I hope that maybe some of you read that and think whatever they want to.
                Bye Bye

[Lisadengel]

Oriane,

I hate to break it to you but you are a cheater because you did cheat, and you are living with lies, but that's for you have to deal with as you look in the mirror.

I am sorry for being so harsh but I think you are looking for some kind of "permission" to have had this one night stand.  I don't understand how someone who was looking to make a baby with your husband would have unprotected sex with another man at your most fertile time.  

You seemed almost relieved to have found that two people who posted also did something similar -- although you thought one was me, and it most definitely was not me -- but that aside, what are you going to do if this other man tells your husband about that night?  What if he finds out you are pregnant and starts making trouble and tells your husband himself?  Just because he lives in Crete doesn't mean he can't.  This sounds like such a bad soap opera plot.

I just hope that you get tested for diseases.  That is the gift that keeps giving.  Even the most easy to catch -- herpes -- never goes away.  You can treat it but not cure it.  If you are taking this man's word for it that he is clean, you are being foolish.

I'm sure people will disagree with me but I can't coddle you or tell you everything will be alright.  You made a huge mistake and now you have to live with it.  I couldn't, but if you can, more power to you.

[Oriane]

To Lisandgel,
Well, I see that you definitely does not understand what happened to me.
In Crete I did not have any SEX with nobody!!!
I was there in my fertile days with my husband and had sex only with in and noone else.
The man I was with , that I know for years ,was not at my fertile days it was 21 days after my LMP that usually I have 28 day speriod.
For now there are situations in life that you have to face as you think is the best thing to do.
For now I did not get any disease and if God forgive me then it will be my husband's child if not we will have to face it!!
Anyway, I think that noone is perfect and maybe you are!
I hope that never in your life you will be in an unexpected situation not only in that kind of but you never know.
People that seeks for help realize that they did something wrong and then they can be helped but maybe not by you.
              Good luck to me!
                      Bye!

[slhc70]

I have been reading this post for a few days and have to finally say something---you can not comment on her situation until you have been in her shoes. This forum is built on asking and receiving help from others---sometimes just to ease our minds or having the question written and out in the open because you are to scared to tak to a close friend, relative or doctor. It is not for us to condem her for what happened in her life--she will be the only one that has to live with what she did-and if her one chance to actually say something is on this forum we should support the fact she did it--not critize why she did it. Things do happen in life that we are not proud of--but we -ourselves--ask for forgivness--and there is only one person that can grant that to us. I do not agree nor do I disagree with her actions but to name call and basically tell her what a bad wife and person she is for doing it is uncalled for--because we dont know the whole situation of why she slept with another man nor should we know. This forum was set up to get helpful comments on situations and I think it should stay that way--

[Lisadengel]

Whatever.  Enjoy your situation.  I'm done.

[Chloe2003]

Lisa,
     Hey you are right.. I wouldnt worry about it anymore because regardless of what we say.. they probably wont listen.. So your right about leaving it alone espically if they wont accpect the advice you give them..

Ashty,
       How dare you come on here and say that we are trying to make someone feel worse when all we were doing is giving our opinions on things.. i mean they did come on here asking for some opinons and thoughts? wether or not they accpet the advice that we give them.. then well.. thats up to the person.. We dont need you to feel sorry for us when we are all doing just fine and dandy.. yea we might go through some ruff times but i dont think we are looking for someone to feel sorry for us.. So grow up and try to keep the smart remarks to yourself..

Oriane,
        No one on here was trying to offend you in anyway.. we tried to help you.. and give you are honest opinons on things and well.. we did.. you can accpet the advice we give you or you dont.. simple as that.. im sorry that you have to deal with this but im not sorry for you putting yourself in this situation.. The Truth Hurts doesnt it?? you know its the truth when you feel worse about the things you done when ppl tell you they arent right in the first place.. also i will be happy to talk to you and help you make the right choice wether or not its telling your husband alone or maybe with a counseler or not telling him at all.. i will help you through this and try and be a friend but what im not gonna do is tell you the things that YOU wanna hear.. because life has never worked that way and never will.. My email is ***@**** and i would be happy tp talk with you..

~*Chloe*~

[ashty]

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving your opinion, but to say that I made smart remarks?  What about "You made a big mistake sister" or "You traded 1 night of passion for a possible lifetime of heartache..."  Those are not helpful comments or opinions.  They are said with the intention of hurting someone, and I don't think that is what this forum is supposed to be about.  So the people who wrote those comments and any others with the intention to hurt should grow up!  Obviously this women is going through pain, and came on here for support.  We don't have to agree with everyone's opinions or the choices they make, but we should respect them.  I shoud add that there were people who obviously did not agree with Oriane's choices, but offered their opinions without judgement, and they should be commended!

[ashty]

I wouldn't post on here anymore if I were you.  People just want to make you feel worse about what has happened.  They must just be unhappy in their own lives.  So, we have to feel sorry for them.  I would love to support you in anyway that I can.  Please feel free to e-mail me at ***@****.  I am anxious to hear how you are doing!

[Casey1]

So do you not think it is helpful to point out to her that she should get tested for venereal diseases?

I'm sorry, but she shouldn't come here looking for absolution, which is obviously what she wants.  She wants "Oh don't worry, you're fine, the baby is your husband's".  I'm sorry, but she's not going to get that.  Sometimes the most loving thing is to tell someone that what they did was WRONG and to offer to be there to support them when they want to make it right, like Chloe did.  THAT is being a friend and being supportive.  Not enabling this kind of selfish behavior.

"Good luck to me" indeed.

[Still_AndiJ]

One more note on this. I have agreed with the majority of the posts, but just have to comment on some of the posts supporting Oriane.

What possible circumstance would make it okay to commit adultery? People keep pointing out that we have never been in her shoes so how would we know. "because we dont know the whole situation of why she slept with another man" It does not matter whether or not we know the situation. Is the concensus on the issue of adultery is that it is wrong unless....

No it is not. I have been venting about this post to my hubby since it started and even he has been blown away by people coddling her. What makes it even worse is that she slept with this man with 2 weeks of sleeping with her husband. Who does that!?!?!

My friend Bree was seperated from her hubby for a few months when she became pg with her daughter. She told her hubby, they reconciled and now they also have a little boy. I know this isn't the norm, and she realized the risk she was taking, but she chose to be honest with her husband and it did pay off.

I guess I came from a different set of moral values. I believe in trust and honesty in a marraige. And I also believe we have to take responsibility for our actions. I am throwing my hands up I guess.

All the people who want to coddle, go ahead. Start attacking those of us who disagree and think what she did is wrong and that she should come clean. I doubt you will ever change any of our minds about this. She owes her family an explanation as she mentioned she already has a young child with her husband. She owes us nothing, but she did come here looking for advice and she got it.

Andrea

[Chloe2003]

why are we still argueing here.. the lady that posted the question hasnt even come back so why argue with ppl on and on about it.. drop it.. oriane has left and said she wouldnt be back and i think we all just need to move on.. she made her choice and thats it.. the other ppl on here that are argueing arent solving anything for one because they arent the one in the situation and two because theres no point at all.. i mean come'on ladys.. this is a maternal fourm full of pregnant women and women try to conceive and everything else which means  what? THIS BOARD IS FULL OF HOROMONES.. lol.. and i can understand ppl venting but lets not stress this anymore ladys.. =)

~*Chloe*~

[ashty]

If you check the board anymore, I just want you to know I'll be thinking of you and your baby tomorrow and wishing you the best!

[FocusedReader]

"I  guess I came from a different set of moral values. I believe in trust and honesty in a marraige. And I also believe we have to take responsibility for our actions. "

Some years back I knew an un-father of what I considered a good trustful marriage, who did not discover the promiscuity nor its results until years later.  

Three lives were certainly emotionally damaged by living the lie.  Eventually the broken bond of matrimony caught up with the woman, and the two went their seperate ways.

From that, I offer the following sentiments:

1) Better for everyone involved in such a situation as created by Oriane know of the unfaithfullness and anything else that goes on behind his back, and then let the cards fall where they may.

2) Unfaithfulness and its corresponding attributes are never understood by those hurt by being deceived into believeing they have a lifelong trusting partner.

3) Once a woman becomes unfaithful, love is dead and the woman can never be trusted agan; nothing left but an empty shell.

Good luck in whatever you decide.