Sorry for the 2nd post but could use some wisdom here.
Hi ladies! I just wanted to share something and see what you all think. I want to make sure I'm handling this the right way. My 15 (almost 16) year old daughter just shared with me that her best friend is scared she might be pregnant (she just turned 16 herself). She is so worried about her. I'm touched that my daughter actually trusted me enough to share this with me so I want to handle it carefully. She asked me to not say anything to her friend's mother. I know her mother and talk to her quite often. We actually carpool the kids together to school. I promised I won't tell the mom because I don't feel it's my place. She said her friend will tell her mom only after finding out for sure if she's pregnant. It's going to be about 2 weeks we think before she will know for sure. My daughter has acted so much nicer to me since this and I think she appreciates that I did not judge her friend, etc. I told her I don't judge her but that I think it's kinda sad because she's so young and so not ready for this. This has really shocked my daughter and opened her eyes. I think in a way it's been a good reality check for her. I told my daughter that I wished her generation wouldn't be so casual about sex. It should be something special. That's about all the preaching I did, though. She said she knows and wants to wait for marraige herself. Her friend seems to appreciate that I know so she can ask questions. She had someone tell her that she couldn't be pregnant because that wouldn't have been her ovulation time. It was about 9 or 10 days after her period. I told her that everyone's different though and that I myself ovulated earlier than the standard 14 days. Mine was about 10 days. Besides, her periods have been sporadic anyway so that could make her ovulation times different. I told her right, didn't I? My daughter asked if I could get her a pregnancy test. The thing is, I'm afraid if I do too much and once her mom finds out that she's going to be pretty upset that I knew and helped her and didn't tell her. My daughter also asked that I not tell my husband because she's afraid he'll judge her friend and say something to her. I feel kind of deceitful, in a way, staying silent about all of this. I'm wondering, too, if she's not pregnant that she won't tell her mom about any of this. Her mom is pretty niave too and doesn't believe her daughter's having sex. I tried to warn her a couple of months ago that I thought her daughter might be having sex after looking at the kids myspace but she didn't believe it.
So, now it's a waiting game. I need to be so careful with this. I don't want to blow my daughter's trust, so I need to handle this carefully. Is there anything that you all would recommend that I do or say that I haven't? And do you think I'm handling this correctly by not saying anything to the mom? I told my daughter that her friend does need to tell her mom just as soon as she knows or I might feel like I should talk to her. She promised me she would tell her as soon as she knew. What do you all think about this?
Thanks. I just hope and pray this poor girl isn't pregnant. I know the boy and he's kinda messed up. When I saw the way he was talking to my daughter online, I made her delete him off her friend's list. She agreed that he has some problems but I think she was trying to be a friend to him. Now she's mad at him and worried about her friend. And her friend is in dreamland about all of this. She's talking about names, etc. She said she wants to keep it. I think she's romanticized a lot of this and doesn't realize the significance of it all. Please pray she's not pregnant! And tell me if I'm handling this right. Thank you all so much! I'd love to hear your thoughts on all of this. Thanks and God bless.
I think this is a tricky subject! If she is pregnant you need to make sure the mom doesn't know that you knew ahead of her, or she will never trust you with her daughter again. On that note...I had my daughter at 16. From this experience I think it would be best that the daughter come clean now and tell her mother she thinks there is a chance she is pregnant. I wish I would have did this in the first place with my mom, it would have made things easier on us both; and if I wasn't pregnant my mom could have helped with the necessary precautions to prevent a pregnancy (birth control). I do not think its your place to talk to the mom and you are right you would blow any trust you have with your daughter. Please keep us posted. Best of luck.
Your daughters trust is more important here. Think of it this way, she could go to her doc about this and her parents would never have to be informed.
Help her through this beginning phase and offer to help her talk to her mom. Explain to the mom, when she inevitably finds out, that you hope that she would have done the same for your daughter. You have been a good friend to her by doing this. Helping her daughter not only find out if she is pg, but also giving her someone to start the conversation with, possibly finding ways to approach her parents, and helping her come to terms with all of this on some level.
I agree with Andi - when she does talk to her mom, maybe you could be there to help her along with the conversation and showing the other mom your concern and your care for her daughter and that you would hope for the same from her if the roles were ever reversed. I wouldn't do too much for her at this point other than be there for her to talk to and trust, but she can just as easily go buy the test herself as you can. It may be embarrassing for her, but that is the price she has to pay to start off with. A little bit of tough love needs to be thrown in there as well - so be there for both your daughter and her friend in a supportive way, but don't go over board and offer to speak with the girl's mom with her so she doesn't feel alone.
Hmmm...that is a tough one. It's good that you are encouraging your daughter's friend to talk to her mother. You are absolutely right--if the test is negative, she won't tell her mother. That leaves you in a really bad position.
As much as you love that your daughter and you are so happy that she came to you with this and she seems very happy that you are being so cool about it all, I would not continue to answer questions or buy pregnancy tests.
I think it would be different if you were pretty certain that your daughter's friend's safety and well-being would be at risk (that her mother would likely beat her or kick her out of the house) if she knew, but if that's not the case, I would tell your daughter that while you are so happy that she came to you with the information, it really puts you in a horrific situation ethically and morally and that the right thing for you to do as an adult is not keep this from her mother. I would tell the girl, "You have until ____ to tell your mother what's going on. I will be there with you to talk to her if you need the support, but if you don't tell her, I will tell her that something really important is going on with you and she needs to sit down and talk to you."
Thanks, everyone! I think what I'll do is wait until she knows for sure and tell her that she still needs to talk to her mom whether she is pregnant or not and that I will talk to her if she doesn't. I'm not too worried about her telling her mom. She actually has a really good relationship with her mom and they talk a lot. I would think this would be a hard thing for her to keep from her then. Of course her mom will be shocked and broken hearted but I know she'd help her and support her. The dad would probably just want to go kill the boy!
Thanks again, everyone, for your thoughts on this! I will keep you posted. Let's cross our fingers and pray she's not pregnant. Maybe this will be a wake-up call for her too. We can only hope.
April, I think that's a good idea to wait. You ALREADY warned the mom that you thought she was having sex, and that was rejected even though you were right. The biggest concern to me, is right there at the bottom of your post. If she's not already pregnant, sounds like she's going to purposely get pregnant. So even if she isn't pregnant (which would be great news) she's still at real risk for getting that way soon.
Yeah, I know. My daughter said she believes the boy purposely tried to get her pregnant (by not using protection) to hang on to her. Ugh, these kids are so immature and to think an innocent life could be brought in to all this mess. Yikes. At least her mom and dad would support her and help, I'm sure of it. Thanks for your thoughts, RockRose.
Hey, ladies! Good news! It looks like my daughter's friend isn't pregnant! She just got her period, I guess. Thank God. I was getting worried. She really was in La-La Land coming up with names and everything. She's barely 16! My daughter just told me and I told her that her friend still needs to talk to her mother and she said she knew that she told her the same thing.
My question is, if her friend doesn't talk to her mom, should I say something? And how long should I give it? Should I just test the waters first and try and see how much her mom might know? What do you all think? I rarely get the opportunity to talk to her alone.
I hope this has been a wake up call to her. I hope she stops taking risks like this.
Thanks for all the advice, everyone! You all have been great! Thanks again!
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