To New Mommy 2 Be 2007

I took this of a website with premission and wanted you to read it.  It is from a woman who had an abortion and now dealing with the after effects.  It is long
A woman, one who has been out of her teens for only less than a year, sits in the passenger seat of her boyfriend’s car as he drives her to the place where she must make an excruciating decision.  As they arrive, there are protesters with signs in the parking lot, just as the information packet had said.  Her boyfriend is kind enough to drop her at the door and then brave the protesters himself moments later.  When she walks in, she sees a room full of mostly young women, some accompanied by young men.  She walks to the service window and tells the employee what she is there for; the nice lady gives the woman some paperwork to fill out.  This is when it starts to become real – up until now, she could walk out and no one would know she was ever there.  
She sits down and writes the required answers to their questions.  No one in the room talks to anyone else, except whoever is there to support them.  There is no socializing, which makes things even more uncomfortable.  Eventually, the young woman’s name is called and she is greeted at another window.  Now they want their money.  The young woman hands over her boyfriend’s $450, the going rate to kill a baby.
I return to my seat, feeling the eyes of every other person in the room…judging me.  That doesn’t make any sense though, since they are all here for the same reason.  I sit for a few minutes before my name is called again.  They want to do an ultrasound, take blood, and show me a video about what’s going to happen.  I’m rather numb at this point.  I just want to get this over with and not have to second-guess myself.  I sit through the video and I get poked with the needle, not really remembering too much of anything.  However, I do remember the ultrasound.  I wanted to see the screen so badly – to see what was in there.  But I knew the technician wouldn’t allow it.  After all, that would most likely cause me to change my mind, right?
Once again, I return to my loving boyfriend.  The room is starting to clear out a little bit, relieving some of the pressure.  Finally, Adam and I are the only ones left.  My name is called for a final time.  He isn’t allowed to go with me, though.  I have to endure this alone.  
I am shown to a room that resembles that of an exam room at the gynecologist’s office.  There is a bed with stirrups, a sink, and a stool at the end of the bed.  There is also a strange piece of equipment off to the side.  I begin to ask about it, but decide that I don’t want to know.  The nurse stays with me.  She tells me to take off my clothes and lie on the bed.  She tries to make small talk with me, telling me the history of the doctor that will be “helping” me.  I find it very ironic to learn that this particular doctor was an obstetrician for a number of years.  He delivered live and healthy babies – and now he is doing this?!?!  When the doctor arrives, he puts my legs in the stirrups and explains the procedure to me.  I can’t remember what all was said, because all I was thinking was whether or not I was making a mistake.  But it was too late to turn back, right?
The doctor begins to insert rods into my cervix, in order to get it dilated.  Each rod is bigger than the previous one.  This is not a pleasant feeling, and I can remember squeezing the nurse’s hand incredibly hard.  I don’t know why, but part of me is reassured to have her there with me.  However, another part of me is squeezing her so tightly because I am angry at her for allowing herself (and myself) to be a part of this.  I feel like she should be punished, for some unknown reason, when really it is me that should be punished.  The pain is close to unbearable.  It’s probably because of the guilt and finality that went along with the procedure.  Soon after, I hear the strange piece of equipment.  I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to know about it.  It begins to make the sound of a vacuum…it’s rather nauseating.  There is a tube that runs from the sucking mechanism all the way to the base of the unit – God only knows what will run through it.  
Apparently, my cervix is dilated to a satisfactory number, so the killing can begin.  The remainder of the procedure doesn’t take very long, thankfully.  The doctor leaves and the nurse provides me with some sanitary napkins.  She tells me to get dressed and to go to a room across the hall.
When I get to this final room, there are recliners with end tables beside each one.  Each table has a cup of water, along with some bland food – for anyone who has a conscience and is feeling somewhat nauseous.  As I take a seat, I notice that there is someone in there that I recognize.  Oh Lord, how embarrassing!!!  For both of us.  I sit in my chair for what feels like forever.  Finally, one of the nurses tells me to go to the bathroom and check my underwear.  She follows me and determines that the amount of bleeding is acceptable – I am free to go.  
I return to the waiting room, only to find that poor Adam is the only person remaining.  He helps me out the door and gets the car for me.  I don’t remember much of the ride back home…just that my head was filled with so many fleeting thoughts.
Initially, I didn’t feel negatively about what happened.  It was for the best, right?  Adam and I were both young, and there was no way we could handle a baby at that point in our lives.  In fact, since I was so confident in the decision that I had made, I went on Spring Break with two girlfriends only two weeks later.  I can remember sitting on the beach alone one night when everything finally hit me…the reality of what I had done.  I tried to call Adam, over 1,000 miles away, but he was in bed and his phone was off.  After that night, I put all those negative thoughts and feelings in the back of my head.  I did my best not to look back.  
But two years later, I am pregnant again.  Are our lives that much different now?  Can we deal with a baby only two years after we decided it wasn’t possible?  I am relieved to hear that Adam doesn’t want to take the same route as we did before…but also a little scared.  We took the easy way out last time – can we really be adults and raise a child together?
Nine months later, I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl.  Compared to the procedure I had endured two and a half years earlier, labor and delivery was a breeze – even with a ten and half pound baby.  Maybe it was because I knew there was going to be a positive ending, as opposed to one that left me feeling empty, selfish, and basically worthless.  

[kris123]

Rest of story

At first, I had some trouble bonding with her.  I thought there was something wrong with me, and I was very disturbed.  When I look back, I realize that guilt prevented me from becoming attached to her.  I didn’t think that I deserved such a healthy and beautiful child.  I concluded that I indeed did not deserve this wonderful baby.  My emotions skyrocketed and I cried for almost a week.  I slowly become more and more attached to my baby girl, and I wonder what my life would be like without her.  Then the bad feelings begin to resurface.  I start to realize just exactly what I had done two years ago.  I killed a baby who would have grown into a human being, just like the one I was responsible for now.  What kind of mother am I?!?!  This is just more proof that I don’t deserve a child.  I was always secretly afraid that God would punish me by never giving me another chance to have a baby, or by not giving me one in the future when it was what I truly desired.  And I still do believe that He is punishing me, only in a different way.  Yes, He did give me another chance to be a mom, but He won’t let me forget the heartache I endured (by choice) to get to this point.  But did God really punish me? He gave me a second chance, I like to think.  So why couldn’t I embrace it and be thankful?  It’s because I can see the baby I never had – I can see a little boy.  I can see his body, but I can’t see his face.  I feel like he is looking at me, asking why I would do such a thing to him.  And I don’t have an answer, other than “I was selfish.”  I can feel him judging me, just like I felt the people in the waiting room judging me.  I know I was wrong to do it – I’ve known all along, even when I was going through with it.  That is the most sickening part of all…I could have stopped it at any time, but I didn’t.  I knew it was wrong from the start, but I told my conscience to shut up.  I knew I was making a mistake when I wasn’t even listening to the doctor explain things to me, so why didn’t I do something?  Not long after I got pregnant with my daughter, I saw a program on television about what babies go through, from conception to birth.  When the milestone of 10 weeks was portrayed (10 weeks is how far I was when I aborted), I swear, I could feel my heart twitch.  But it was too late – I had already heard it.  The baby begins to feel pain at 10 weeks…something I really didn’t need to know, especially when I’d been telling myself the whole time that the baby was too young to know that anything was happening to it.
When I look at my little girl now, it is apparent how much she really depends on her mother.  She always has, from the time she was conceived.  She’s no different from any other baby, in that way, including my first one.  He depended on me as well, and I let him down.  The one person in the world who should have been there for him is the one person who turned her back on him and betrayed him.  
I carry this guilt with me on a daily basis...I think about it almost every time I look at the beautiful baby I decided to keep.  There is no escaping it.  The only thing that makes me feel remotely better is to know that I wouldn’t have the baby I have now if I had made a different decision almost three years ago.  It’s really a cheap shot – I mean, using a live and healthy baby to make myself feel better about one who is dead and completely unaccounted for – it’s rather disgusting.  But it’s the only thing I have to hold onto; otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to function.  
Adam and I are still together, and that is one of the things that really bothers me.  Not the fact that Adam and I still love each other and are still committed to each other, but the fact that most incidents I’ve heard of that involve an abortion also involve the couple breaking up.  I don’t hear of many that consist of two people going through this together, only to end up staying together and having another baby two and a half years later.  It bothers me because, if Adam and I hadn’t remained a couple, I could at least use the excuse that he wasn’t the right man to have a child with, or something of that nature.  But he is the right man and I did stay with him, so why didn’t we just do the right thing from the start?  Why didn’t I just keep the baby that was given to me in the first place?
Adam and I didn’t take the easy way out four years ago.  I realize now that it was far from being the easy way.  If anything, taking care of and raising a baby is far easier than mentally returning to the scene of my crime everyday.  Adam says that we need to focus on the baby we have now.  Trust me, I try.  It’s not that easy, though.  I love her with all my heart, but I feel like some of my love is still reserved for the child I returned to God.

[JoyRenee]

Very powerful!

[kris123]

It is so long but such a great story.  It shows how the after effects of abortion can last a lifetime

[BabyHardiman]

=(

They really should HAVE to show the mother the screen!

[sally15]

It is indeed very powerful,I actually found it hard to read,I guess wanting a baby myself for soo long,finally getting pregnant after almost 3.5 yrs.then having a miscarriage @ 9W, losing a baby 5 yrs.before that, because of a heart defect,it wasn't easy to read.
I hope mommytobe2007 will not abort her baby.

[kris123]

We can only hope she make the right choice.  She is in a hard spot and she is feeling so much emotion and sometimes making a choice on feelings alone can back fire.  My only hope is she reads this to know what it is like afterwards

[CYW]

i cried..im a big suck especially when it comes to children..hence why i couldnt work in group home care...ive learned to deal with my emotions but wow that is powerful..i hope she does whats right for her.. either way she chooses its a permanent decision...

[kennedydp5]

i agree...  very powerful!  i will be 19 wks tomorrow (w/ my 4th) and i think i just felt my baby kick (for real this time!) for the first time, ironically while reading this!  i too, pray that she will make the right choice........

[JoyRenee]

BabyHardiman, that is so true. My hope is that a law is passed to educate women on the baby they are aborting (such as fetal development at the stage they are in at the abortion clinic) and to have a mandatory ultrasound. I also think the law should state that a woman has to wait at least 1-2 weeks before getting an abortion so she has time to think about it.

It this day and age we are into instant gratification. We have to make decisions and we have to make them right now. So I always tell a girl considering abortion, "You do not have to make a decision right now. Let's talk about it." That calms them down a little and they realize, "Oh yeah, I really don't have to go and get this done right this very moment."

*SIGH*

[girlybuff]

You know ladies, PRO-CHOICE does NOT mean PRO-ABORTION.  I don't know anyone who is PRO-abortion.  It's horrible any way you cut it BUT none of us, NONE, shold be able to tell a woman what SHE can do with HER body.
I am not trying to open this up for yet another abortion debate but to say that is should be mandatory for a woman to get an ultrasound or to see the pictures is insane to me.
I don't know anyone who goes happily into an abortion clinic singing a song about getting an abortion.  It's hard enough if yo're faced with that choice.
There before the grace of God go I.  
May NONE of you ever be in the situation where yo uhave to make this horrible, difficult, emotional decision.

[maddysmommy]

It's just my opinion..but I think by posting things like this to her is only making things worse for her.  It's soley her decesion.  This was indeed not a good place to find support, but...by posting things like this may make her change her mind in guilt then live a miserable life anyway.  No matter what she chooses, its hers to live with.  Not all people are in love and stay together like the story says.  Not everyone will hvae that same reaction.  If people honestly are very against abortion..then they should just NOT post.  I completly agree with girlybuff.  There are probally a SLIM few who use abortion as a birth control method.  It's not a happy place for people.  But when a woman makes a decesion with HER body why make her live with the guilt for the rest of her life..showing an ultra sound picture would only  intesify the guilt.  People make dec. based on what's right for them, giving them a week to think it over based on pure guilt and nothing else that could possible start destroying woman even more.  So what happens if she chooses to keep the child and becomes extremely depressed and then kills them both...ppd it happens..then what??  No one ever thinks of the after effects of things.

[kris123]

I did not post to make her feel gulity.  As you stated "So what happens if she chooses to keep the child and becomes extremely depressed and then kills them both"  you stated an effect as I did.  I stated how a woman felt after she had an abortion and you stated what may happen if she keep the baby.  We did the same thing.  Time is always good when making a choice - only what I think.  

[deanne11]

I'm not going to start a debate either but everyone sees abortion as a woman's right do what she wishes with her body.  But it's not "her" body she is aborting....I don't know.

Abortion isn't about what's right for the 'body' it's what's right for the person.  So I wish everyone would stop saying a woman has the right to choose what happens to her body.  It's obviously not about her body being occupied for 9 mos it's about the 18 yrs after.

Don't know if I'm making sense or not but it just frustrates me when people say it's 'her body' but it's not her body she's aborting....

I know people have the right by law to choose abortion but unless it is causing a life threatening situation for the mother...it's not about 'her body' it's about her choice not to have a child to raise after the 9 mos.....bottom line.

[tmv]

Powerful story. I know this is going to sound profound, but if you go to a Cadillac car dealership, they are not going to show you a new Honda. There are woman center's that show the ultrasounds to the ladies. They also will help out with finding other options other than abortion.

[CYW]

i think we and i am saying this as a whole and i find it really hard to support someone who would want to abort their child but yes it is their decision...and also if anyone has noticed new mommy to b 2007 hasnt been around lately...i know she was seeking support and this was really not the place because i highly doubt anyone in here would say...abort is the way to go...like someone said its not her body she is aborting.. i mean she chooses what she chooses and what if she regrets either decision???they are both pretty final:S ugh its a really sticky situation but as much as i feel we are all pretty much against it...i think that no matter what we would support her with her decision and not rub it in her face right? i mean i dont know how but i guess in some way we would have to kinda because were all here for eachother...i mean if she goes through with the abortion and then regrets it..she will seek support and sometimes someone doesnt always have the right support system and its hard...we need to realize that which ever decision she makes we need to be here for her... i mean as bad as it sounds if she went through the the abortion as i said and she regrets it..many would be high above wanting to just be like...we tried to warn you.. etc...so what do we all do? everyone here has sought support from the women and will continue to do so...as hard as it is its not our lives i guess..we always try and put ourselves in the other person's shoes and how we would feel in the situation but its difficult because we all have our own thoughts and beliefs.. i hope she has been busy and not just looking through the posts but frightened to write to us or ashamed about what she might do...i wish her the best of luck.. i truly do...and i think you all are with me... right???

[ziggysgrl0724]

I see both sides here....while I agree that this is a powerful story...and it reinforces why i personally wouldnt have an abortion...I will say I am pro-choice.  I echo what girlybuff says.  IIf some women are made to change their mind out of fear or guilt....lord knows what that could mean.  I would think more babies being placed ion trash cans, and left in restrooms and things of that nature.  I know how touchy of a subject this is, but what it comes down to is being able to seperate your wnts and desires from the wants and desires of someone else.    I myself advised me2mommy2be2007 to just think about how abortion would make her feel...only for the simple fact that she said the idea terrified her, not because i am against it.  I also told her she should speak to a counselor before making any decisions, so her options can clearly be put in front her of her by an outside source, and her decsion can perhaps be made that much easier.

[New Mommy 2 Be 2007]

hi ladies ive been doing a lot of thinking i was imagioning my life with a new baby or without one its a hard choice maddysmommy and girlybuff have a pretty good point but im letting me self choose. Anways lately i've been having a lot of back and stomach pain i honestly feel exhausted and i dont think my body is responding to this pregnancy very well

[CYW]

its good to hear from you..i hope you decide whats best for you...its a touchy subject and as i said all in all either way you choose its a permanent decision you will have to live with..best of luck...keep us posted...

p.s. maybe you are feeling so horrible with the pregnancy because it could be a girl...lol i know old wives tale...who knows..good luck..mind you i was pretty sick with my ds and feeling awful

[cantwait4baby]

I think you are under too much stress, baby at home, school and now pregnant.  Your body is tired.  As I posted before, Abortion is not the answer but is your choice - Babies only make life better.  I think you should talk to a professional before making your decision.  Both of your babies need you to come to grips with your life and your future.  They both need you.  You sound like you are very down right now - which we all understand - but it will not get better on your own.  Contact your doctor ask for a referral to a support person.  Therapy now before your pregnancy progresses anymore.  

[deanne11]

My friend found herself in the same exact situation.

You are happily married and your profile says you love being a mommy...so why wouldn't you bring this child to term.

You are a strong and resourceful woman.  You can do this.  Don't make your child pay with his/her life for something that you don't think you are ready for...You are ready.

My friend really thought about having an abortion too.  I remember her crying at work when she found out and crying for weeks after.  She thought it would ruin her bonding time with her daughter she just had and the pain, exhaustion of pregnancy with a newborn just pounded on her psyche day after day.

Well, she did carry to term and it was right for her and her family.  The bottom line for them was this was their child too, created in love.  Why shouldn't they have this child.

Was it hard. yes
Did they struggle. yes.
Do they adore and love both their little girls completely.  absolutely.

Financially, you can make it work.  There are programs that can help, especially if you are a student.  

I personally went through this with our first.  My hubby was a full time student...it was tough but we wanted our DD.

You love your son...can you honestly say you don't also love your new son/daughter?  You are just dealing with a lot now...but reading your profile.  I think you would be hurting yourself more if you went through with the abortion.

Please go talk to someone...yes it's your choice.  We will listen either way....but talk to a counselor.

You also mentioned your sister and your mother and how stressful it would be....well don't consider them.  This is your baby, your husband's baby and your son's sister or brother.

[kris123]

I have been faced with wheather to chose abortion or having a baby.  I was raped at 14 and me and my family decided for me to have the baby.  This was very hard for me.  I am glad I gave my son life and even though he was adopted, he will always be my son no matter how his life came about.  I miss him and am to meet him soon.  He is 15 and has a great life, that is what he wrote me in a letter.  It is only for information - maddy wrote "If people honestly are very against abortion..then they should just NOT post."  I and others can post what ever we want.  You posted what you want and I respect that.  You have your point and so did I.  I was told how it would make me feel at a young age.  Dealing with rape and maybe dealing with an abortion was to much for me to think about.  At 14 I should have not been thinking of it at all.  It is very hard to make that choice.  I respect all posters and wish mommy the best.  Take care ladies

[BabyHardiman]

I would never murder my baby regardless of what situation I am in.  You can find that insane if you want.  That is my fact of life, that is me, and will always be me, and my decision.  

[BabyHardiman]

Our teenage daughters can walk in, and have an abortion WITHOUT our consent, things are only going to get worse from here.  They say it's a teenagers "right" to have an abortion without the consent of a parent, just like it is the "right" of a pregnant woman to drink, and do drugs while pregnant, and NOT be tested.  Babies in our bellies have NO rights.  Just like someone else said in their post.. "it's the mothers choice, it's HER body", but it's not "HER" body she is aborting, it is the body of a developing HUMAN BEING.  

I agree with your whole heartedly, they should show the ultrasound picture and they SHOULD have to show the developmental stage of the baby, and what the baby might feel as it is being murdered.