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Uplanned/semi-unwanted pregnancy?
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Uplanned/semi-unwanted pregnancy?

Im almost 5 months pregnant & severely depressed. I had sex last September, the condom broke without my initial knowledge & I think the man I was sleeping with had a lot to do with wanting me pregnant. I have failed in life, and no matter what I cannot get my spirits back. I have completely lost my faith in God, & now I wish I had gotten an abortion everyday, but I have already had 1 abortion and feel guilty for the thought. Theres no reason I cannot care for a child- other than not wanting to be a single parent & finances. Im 22 and I graduated from college last year, I think I deserve a real life. I called a counselor,adoption agency,& even a crisis preg center, but Im so ashamed I cant speak to them. My family will be disappointed no matter what they say, so I dont bother. Now the father is expressing his sincere interest in being in our lives forever... this literally makes me sick. He has nothing to offer us & I found out he has no HS Diploma(unheard of?) & no job/home. I dont feel like doing anything & I cry for hours everyday. I have a hate in my heart for this baby & I feel guilt for hating it. I dread prenatal appts & feel movement yet no joy. I feel sad & bitter all the time & selfish for wanting my life. I cant cover up my sadness & my stomach is growing bigger. I dont want to pass any emotional stress to this baby. Can a baby can feel stress from their mothers, if so can I shield them? Im not crazy-I just see others happy about having babies, but I feel trapped. Im too old to have excuses; I need an answer to my severe depression. What should I do?    
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Avatar_n_tn
I think you are doing the right think with adoption.  There are many happy married wanting parents who can't have kids if you are not ready then give you child a chance at life.  My opinion.
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Avatar_n_tn
I think you seriously need to talk to somebody. It's normal what your feeling when you think someone pretty much tricked you into getting pregnant, but you need to talk to someone, it might help you figue out what you really want to do whether keep it or give another couple some extreme happiness.

And it sounds you'd be better off without that guy, you have enough trouble without his problems adding to it all.
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Avatar_n_tn
theres probly nothn any1 can tell u because there so many women  here that r havn a hard time concievin or keepin a healthy pregnany that they may feel that u r bieng just alil heartless or selfish,but u  very honest and thats good ,tho if u dont want this baby u should definantly consider adoption.theres so many couples who would love to start a family....and can give that baby the world..but 1nce u c ur lil baby u mite just change your mind!!!im a single mother and i kno how u feel but now that they r here im soo happy..good luk in whatever u do!!!!!!
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181364_tn?1213287101
Well nothings going to really change the way you feel but maybe when the baby is born you will see its face and just fall in love...but if thats not how you feel it will be then there are plenty of people out there who can't have kids and would probably love to have yours and if you want there is open adoption where you can see your kid throughout its life or closed where you rather just not see it ...thats entirely up to you... if your not ready and you dont want it you should give it a chance with someone else... i'm not telling you what to do but the way you sound is like you dont want it... but maybe you will change your mind when you actually see your baby for the first time and he/she looks up at you.. i wouldn't stress a lot cuz its not good for the baby and no matter what theres nothing you can do about it but the best thing to do is NOT stress...
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, First I want to say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through.
And yes, the baby can feel the mothers stress and there isn't really anything that you can do about that unfortunatly. But it shows that you obviously care because you want to protect your baby from your stress.
I would say go back to the pregnancy crisis people and the other people that you talked to. I think reaching out (like you are doing here) will help you more than you think. They might be able to talk with you about your depression and some options that you have.
And it sounds like you haven't told your family. If you told them, they may suprise you and be more supportive than you think. I think if you had more people there to support you and you didn't feel so alone things might get a little better.
And maybe you should talk to your Dr. about your depression. When I was pregnant with my second child (which we planned) I was so depressed that I had a hard time taking care of my first child. I would literaly sit and cry and cry for hours. My Dr. said that sometimes when a woman is pregnant the hormones get all messed up and instead of the "normal" mood swings, you can get really depressed. So he put me on a low dose of antidepressants and in about a week I was pretty much back to my old self again. It might not hurt to talk to your Dr. about this. It may be an option for you.
I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. Just try and reach out to people. Call the crisis line again. And maybe some counseling might help too.
I hope I have helped. I'm sure that some of the other women on here will reply soon...there are a lot of smart, caring women on here.
Keep us updated with how you and your baby are doing.
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Avatar_f_tn
this must be very difficult for you. ignore those that talk about us that want children, yes we do, but its proven that you can develope severe depression during pg. maybe this is the case with you. out of your hands. i think you have a couple things you HAVE to do. you understand that this baby might bring you great joy, but maybe it wont. adoption is a great idea to explore before birth. at this point abortion is out of the question. talk to your dr, a therapist, anyone and everyone that can help you. you are not the first to say that a baby on the way gives you severe grief and a desire to not deal with it. dont be embaressed to talk about it with drs. they know how you feel. you are not the first to experience this. as for the father, well that is a tough one. diploma or not, maybe he can raise his child without your help. its time to start feeling better and maybe meds can help. stress can be horrible for pregnancy, and even if you dont want this child, to experience a premature birth could be hard too. dont wait. get help now.
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175662_tn?1282217256
Dear Ziggy,

Speaking from a point of view of a single parent, and a former teenage mother (I was 16 when I got pregnant with my 14yr old daughter), and a woman pregnant with my 3rd child... I give you my sincere apologies you are having such a difficult time.  I barely graduated high school myself, and have struggled most of my life to "get it on track", but as a single parent it has been extremely difficult and of that I have no lies.  To this day, while I have raised 2 beautiful wonderfully intelligent and giving daughters (my 2nd daughter is 9 yrs old), I feel often that I have failed them and they have lived through situations they did not need to.  Sometimes, I wonder if it wouldn't have been better for my oldest daughter to have given her up for adoption when I had the opportunity, but then she holds me close and loves me no matter what.  I know that we are some of the rare few who have made something of our lives to an extent, but it was a long hard road to get here.

As for the father, remember that he still has rights, as well.  The father of my 14 yr old was a deadbeat in the worst way.  He called me every night threatening me, trying to stress me to the point that I would miscarry or give my daughter up.  He has had next to nothing to do with her life, and in someways it has been for the best but at the same time it has hurt my daughter as well.  My ex-husband, the father of my 9 yr old, is also a deadbeat and owes thousands of dollars in back child support.  However, he loves both of my daughters (his blood as well as the little girl he took on as his own), and does his best to care for them.  Yes, he "only" works at McDonald's, however he does love my daughters and tries hard to do right by them.  Every weekend he picks them up for visitation (and he doesn't have to take the older one since she isn't his, but he does), and we work together to communicate and make sure the kids are first in our lives.

I cannot tell you what is best for you, however I can understand your emotions over your situation.  The support for adoption, sometimes, is hard to find amongst family or friends.  Especially if they were looking forward to having a grandchild or niece or whatever.  However, you need to consider not just what is best for yourself and what you want with your life, but also the child.  I know it sounds cliche', however if you are miserable and unhappy, that child will have a very hard life and difficult time finding their own place in the world.  Adoptive parents are not perfect, no parent is perfect we all make mistakes, however if you are not emotionally and mentally prepared to care for the child then do what is best and follow through with the adoption process.  

There is no shame in your choice, there is honor and admiration that you were willing to give a child life, and then give it the best life possible.  Counseling centers and adoption agencies understand these things, and you need all the support you can get.  There is also honor and admiration in being a single parent and doing the best you can with what you have.  However, if you do not have love for your child (and sometimes there are situations when the child is born the adopting mother might change her mind and that is OKAY!) allow a family to love that baby.

Here are a few adoption resources, I hope they help.  Whatever your decision, please keep us informed and know you have my support no matter what you choose.

http://www.adoption.com/
http://courageouschoice.com/?gtse=GOOG&gclid=CLTkv_CJsooCFQ6kWAodgmo4uQ
http://adoptionnetwork.com/?gtse=GOOG&gtkw=adoption&gclid=CLnmrPGJsooCFRlmWAodfTDvuw
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142722_tn?1281537216
GO TO THE DOCTOR!!  You may need to be put on meds for your depression.  I speak from experience,  I had my daughter when I was 17 in high school and just made it through.  I was so so depressed.  Your hormones could be taking you for a loop.  Meds can help give you back that sprit.  I am bi-polor and didn't find out tell after years of depression.  You are hurting yourself and your baby by feeling this way and you don't need to.  I also gave a child up for adoption when I was young and it was a very diffcult thing to do.  Everything changes when you see the baby.  I ended up going through with it and it was the best thing at the time.  My suggestion is to do a private adoption if you are going to do it.  This is where you don't meet the parents or know where the child is going.  I think if I would have known where my son was I would have had a harder time.  Giving a child away is like a death and you won't know how it feels until you do it.  Please go to the doctor because sometimes our FEELINGS MISLEAD US!!!  FEELINGS are not alway true - remember that - they can LIE to us!!
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165078_tn?1255610007
You sound like you are very depressed and you really should talk to someone.  It if funny how things work, so many women long for a healthy pregnancy and cant and women who try to prevent it conceive.  It is a mystery but there really is no need for the guilt.  You did try to prevent it. You are still young and you are educated.  Maybe try turning your sadness and guilt into an overwhelming Joy for a perfect stranger.  Putting your child up for adoption may help you with your depresstion by seeing just how happy you can make a couple who have been longing for a child receive one.  Pregnancy is nature's way - adoption is God's way isn't that what they say.  Knowing how much joy you can possibly give someone else and at the same time releave yourself of the stress of having an unwanted baby.  All babies are innocent, try not to have hate for the baby - he/she is just in there growing waiting to come out into this allready crazy world.  You have the power to give your baby a wonderful life.  Adoption is not something to be ashamed of.  It takes courage and strength.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. All I want to say is that you are only 22, you are young enough to have a break raising a child and retaking your career when he or she starts school. You have graduated already and no one will take your qualifications away from you. I am a full time working mum, I am not alone and my bf looks after my son during the day but when I get home I still have a second job to do looking after my son. I c am sure as a single parent, if you decide to work and get childcare you will get some financial help. I am not saying it will be easy but as a mother I can tell you that having a child is wonderful.
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159354_tn?1286371288
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through and also want to applaud you for not having an abortion.  I'll tell you why....Adoption can be the most beautiful thing to a couple who physically can not have a child.

I had a beautiful daughter 2 yrs ago to go on and lose 3 babies last year to m/c....I so much want another baby but I do have a physical condition that could cause yet another miscarriage.  I am not going to say I will definitely adopt as my husband has not yet 100% backed the idea but we are considering it.  We want a large family but to put me and another baby at risk we just don't know if it's worth it.

Years ago, my grandfather was adopted by a wonderful family who is now my family.  My grandparents went on to foster kids left and right with other family members adopting children.  My brother evne gave his daughter up for adoption as he was only 17, we knew the family...it was actually the mother of the baby's sister and brother in law, so my little niece was raised by other members of her family.  

It is a miracle to any family when a women can make that unconditional love sacrifice for her child.

DO NOT feel guilty about considering adoption....it shows your love and devotion to your child.  For you child to grow up in a stable two-parent home.

Now if you choose to raise this child on your own, well I also applaud you for that.  My sister did it with her daughter and my brother went on to have a son later in life just to be left with him at 6 mos of age.  So both my siblings were forced to do it alone and did a magnificent job.

I pray that you find peace about your decision and we can always listen to you here on this website.  Try and take care of your body.  And we'll pray for your emotional well being.
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Avatar_n_tn
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know sometimes depression can increase in pregnancy especially when there are some things going on in your life. I highly reccomend you see a doctor and explain how you feel. There is nothing to be ashamed of these are your feelings and they are very real. I like you am only 23 and had an unplanned pregnancy. What keeps me going is being very open with my feelings and haveing a wonderful support system. I am afraid of what kind of mother I will be. Will I be able to finsih school? Can  love a baby enough? Things like that, also my boyfriend and I still have not found a place we like to live so are still staying at my moms where we have been for the past year. I also am talking to a doctor about feelings and fears I am having and it really does help. Whatever you decide to do keeping the baby or adoption, you  need to sort some things out for your self. Dont be ashamed. Do whatever is best for you and this will be doing what is best for the baby. I wish you the best of luck. And If you ever need to talk  please let me know.. Keep us posted..
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Avatar_f_tn
i think the first step is talking to a therapist that specializes in this. if after you work things out with your feelings and you want to go for the adoption, its your choice and only your choice. its easy for others to tell you not to do it. you have to do what is best for you, and best for the baby.
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Avatar_n_tn
I have cried reading your post. Please look for help, psicology help, you are young, its a new experience and unexpected too, but Having a baby is a blessing, babies are so inocent, so indefense, they neeed a lot of love from their mother all the time. If you look for help you will be very happy with your baby. Its the best gift that a woman can have in this selfish word. Please love your baby he o she is so inocent and need your love. Look for help. I wish you the best and let me know if you are going to look for help.
Sorry for my englihs is  not my first languaje.
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159354_tn?1286371288
I was just wondering where you are from?  Just by chance hoping you are close to me....just to talk to you even just for support through this
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Avatar_n_tn
I was in a similar situation, had an abortion a few years ago.  I recently became pregnant again... all while being on the pill.  I was terrified to tell my family for fear of them being disappointed in me because I'm not married and my family is very religious.  I decided to keep this baby and took responsibility for my actions and told my family expecting the worst.  The COMPLETE opposite happened.  They were EXTREMELY Supportive and everyone is very happy for me.  Their reaction and their support has made this so much easier for me.  I HATE myself for giving up so easily with the first pregnancy and aborting it.  All my life I said if I ever got pregnant I would NEVER have an abortion.  It went against my moral and my religious beliefs.  I think about it every single day and it makes me so sad that I was so weak. Please whatever you do, given that you feel guilty for your abortion if you decide that you do not want the baby go the adoption route and make some other less fortunate couple happy.  And tell your family, you may be surprised by their reaction.  I definitely was.  And who knows, maybe their support may make you change your mind and you may end up wanting this baby in the end.  Either way, don't give up so easily and abort.  You will regret it.  I still have not been able to forgive myself and I'm not sure I ever will.  If you ever need to talk about your feelings of your abortion I will gladly talk with you and help you any way I can!!
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Avatar_n_tn
sorry to hear that you are going thorugh such a terrible time.

You do need to talk to someone who can advise you though.

My Sil got depressed with her second pregnancy and when the poor boy was born she wanted nothing to do with him, though she kept this to herself until one day she had the imgae of hurting him. This frightend her and she called my brother luckily. For about 3 months they moved in with my mother. My sil refused to wash, feed or change him, so my mother took over everything. Slowly slowly, she begun talking to a counsellor and she managed to get over her depression.

Don't worry about what anyone things (family, doctors, friends), it is not their life. You have to do what is right for you, not them.

However, I do think that if you choose adoption the father would have to be made aware of this fact (does he not have a legal right).

Speak to someone soon, before you do something that you will regret. You obviosuly care about the baby. Maybe you are focusing too much on what your family thinks of you, and this can be stopping you from loving your child.

Either way, talking to a professional will help you to make the best decision for the both of you.
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think you are very smart to consider adoption.    If you go through that proccess,  you will be comforted and your spirits will be lifted by the immeasurable joy you will give another family - and the chance at a great life for your baby.

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do - I would consider throwing myself off a bridge (literally) if I were 22 and not married and pregnant by some loser I barely knew.  

Try to get through this,  and someday you may get married and plan a baby,  and in that process you will understand the profound gift you give a couple by giving them your child.
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Avatar_n_tn
Please dont give your baby in adoption,you are depressed and you will regret it someday. Since red your post i habe been thinking about you and your baby who is so incent and indefecen. Look for your family. Sorry for posting again but i an thinking about it since i red it.
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164559_tn?1233711618
Dear Ziggy,

I think you are depressed, which is very common in pregnancy.  Please go talk to your doctor.

Do not be ashamed to talk to the crises pregnancy center people.  I promise you they will not judge you, they only want to help.  I was a single mum and Birthright was an enormous support, in fact, I am still very close to one of my counselors 16 years later.  My kids call her Nanny and she continues to be a blessing.  

You are not alone, many, many women find themselves in this position.

Only you can decide whether or not to raise this child.  I guarantee you that you will bless a family who is aching for a child of their own if you place this child for adoption.  I think adoption is a loving and selfless act on the part of the birth mother.  Do not let anyone make you feel otherwise.

If you do decide to keep the baby, you will have to find a way to make peace with the father (that's the hardest part).

And you mentioned you have lost your faith in God.  He has not lost faith in you and has a plan for you that is bigger than anything you could ever imagine.  I hope you find your way back to Him.

God bless, I wish there was more I coud do to help.
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174119_tn?1200294242
Hi,
I would gladly adopt your child if you go that route. My husband and I have tried many times to have children together . We have a large house and have been foster parents for many years. We belive that children are our future. I was pregnate in Dec. and lost the twins at four weeks. My husband is a soccer coach, basketball coach and boy scout leader and i work at a shelter for abused and neglected children. I admire you for thinking about your child. I see so many mothers that have their babies only to abuse and misteat them and have more babies and they end up in our shelters. I am sure that family would support you if you keep the child and you already show that you would be a great mother by being responsible and considering what would be good for your baby. I applaud you and wish you were near so I could tell you in person how much I feel the strength you have. Just remember that no matter what decision you make it is yours and no one elses. What others say or do is not important. You are living through this and I know it is hard but I think you will do what is right and please if you would like to talk email me at ***@****. You are not alone.
Renee
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159744_tn?1233726298
I thank everyone for their posts and responses... I have been thinking a lot about my situation recently. I don't know what I'm going to do about my feelings, but I plan on making a first step by telling my doctor on my next appointment. I'm not sure how I can put it to him, but I see that I am detached from this baby. I live in St. Louis and am currently enrolled in graduate school; and right now two classes seem surprisingly unbearable for me. I think I am expected by those around me to have a future and this gives me anxiety. Everyone either says I will think differently in some months or I must pay for my own actions, which both seem unfair. While I wait the next week until my appointment which will tell me the sex of this baby, I will remain patient and try to focus on some other things. I would like to make the right decision and I'm really afraid that I will ultimately regret whatever will happen in June. So, once again I want to thank everyone for responses, I honestly sometimes think I'm alone in a hateful world and nobody would ever feel this way about their own flesh & DNA, but I guess I just need to take the initial step and get some help. I don't want to go through life pretending this pregnancy is nonexistant and I will somehow forget it like a bad dream.    
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Avatar_n_tn
My english is not good but i will try to do the best.

You are a girl 22 years old and also finished your college so you are old enough and some education to analyse your situacion in deferents way, ask yourself this questions:

1. If you were a baby just like your baby would you like that your mother give you in adoption because your mother think that she deserve A REAL life as you say in your first post?
2. would you had really liked to raise in another home far away from your bilogical mother, because she was 22 years old and she deserved to have a  real life?

Be brave to asumme your resposability, you are not 15 o 16 years old, you have college education, you are not mentally disable so just because your precios and inocent baby will limit the life that you want the solution is adoption or say i dont want this baby, like he o she were  a pair of shoes o something like that. Its a baby, its your baby,  he o she need your love. I just want to tell you that your excuse its not just a reason to reject your inocent baby. Please dont missunderstand me, i am trying to tell you to see your situacion from another point of view, again look for help, if not  you can make a big mistake that will regret for your hole life. Its your decision of course.
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175665_tn?1306462624
Hi, my name is Brittany.  I am sorry to hear what you are going through.  I am close to you, in Columbia, MO.  If you ever want anyone to talk to feel free to contact me at ***@****  I had my first child when I was 17 and still in HS.  I struggled to make it through.  I married her deadbeat father who has somehow remarried outside of the country without divorcing me first.  He is stupid and wants nothing to do with his child.  I am now pregnant again, due in October, my fiancee is a wonderful man who loves my daughter as much as his own(from a previous relationship) and I know he is going to make an amazing father for our child.  I know it's hard, but like I said if you ever want to talk just email me.
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174119_tn?1200294242
in a recent post there were some hard comments made towards ziggy. She already has a hard decision to make and saying that adoption is just an excuse is not fair to her or others . Adoption is a choice and ziggy is looking at all options and I commend her for that. She is not being selfish and thinking about only her self or just her emotions but what would be best for this child. She has already stated that she was worried what others would think and negative attitudes and posts do not help. Ziggy, you have my support. Either way you go is for your baby. Keeping a child that was not conceived out of love will be hard but that is a decision only you can make. Giving your child a better life with love and support and stabality is also an option. you have to do what you feel will be better for the child for the next 18 years.It is not about shoes or putting your self in place of the child but being responsible is what you are doing and THAT IS A VERY GROWN UP ATTITUDE. I really am proud of you for the way you are handeling things and honey do not worry about what others think . You will do what is best I know you will. Chin up and you still have some time to weigh both options.
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