MATERNAL & CHILD
COMMUNITY
Uplanned/semi-unwanted pregnancy?
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by ziggy1984, Feb 15, 2007
Im almost 5 months pregnant & severely depressed. I had sex last September, the condom broke without my initial knowledge & I think the man I was sleeping with had a lot to do with wanting me pregnant. I have failed in life, and no matter what I cannot get my spirits back. I have completely lost my faith in God, & now I wish I had gotten an abortion everyday, but I have already had 1 abortion and feel guilty for the thought. Theres no reason I cannot care for a child- other than not wanting to be a single parent & finances. Im 22 and I graduated from college last year, I think I deserve a real life. I called a counselor,adoption agency,& even a crisis preg center, but Im so ashamed I cant speak to them. My family will be disappointed no matter what they say, so I dont bother. Now the father is expressing his sincere interest in being in our lives forever... this literally makes me sick. He has nothing to offer us & I found out he has no HS Diploma(unheard of?) & no job/home. I dont feel like doing anything & I cry for hours everyday. I have a hate in my heart for this baby & I feel guilt for hating it. I dread prenatal appts & feel movement yet no joy. I feel sad & bitter all the time & selfish for wanting my life. I cant cover up my sadness & my stomach is growing bigger. I dont want to pass any emotional stress to this baby. Can a baby can feel stress from their mothers, if so can I shield them? Im not crazy-I just see others happy about having babies, but I feel trapped. Im too old to have excuses; I need an answer to my severe depression. What should I do?    
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Member Comments (25)
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by Jenelle, Feb 15, 2007
I think you are doing the right think with adoption.  There are many happy married wanting parents who can't have kids if you are not ready then give you child a chance at life.  My opinion.
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by Danij, Feb 15, 2007
I think you seriously need to talk to somebody. It's normal what your feeling when you think someone pretty much tricked you into getting pregnant, but you need to talk to someone, it might help you figue out what you really want to do whether keep it or give another couple some extreme happiness.

And it sounds you'd be better off without that guy, you have enough trouble without his problems adding to it all.
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by azgirl1016, Feb 15, 2007
theres probly nothn any1 can tell u because there so many women  here that r havn a hard time concievin or keepin a healthy pregnany that they may feel that u r bieng just alil heartless or selfish,but u  very honest and thats good ,tho if u dont want this baby u should definantly consider adoption.theres so many couples who would love to start a family....and can give that baby the world..but 1nce u c ur lil baby u mite just change your mind!!!im a single mother and i kno how u feel but now that they r here im soo happy..good luk in whatever u do!!!!!!
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by Nicole092907, Feb 15, 2007
Well nothings going to really change the way you feel but maybe when the baby is born you will see its face and just fall in love...but if thats not how you feel it will be then there are plenty of people out there who can't have kids and would probably love to have yours and if you want there is open adoption where you can see your kid throughout its life or closed where you rather just not see it ...thats entirely up to you... if your not ready and you dont want it you should give it a chance with someone else... i'm not telling you what to do but the way you sound is like you dont want it... but maybe you will change your mind when you actually see your baby for the first time and he/she looks up at you.. i wouldn't stress a lot cuz its not good for the baby and no matter what theres nothing you can do about it but the best thing to do is NOT stress...
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by ImmortalOne, Feb 15, 2007
Dear Ziggy,

Speaking from a point of view of a single parent, and a former teenage mother (I was 16 when I got pregnant with my 14yr old daughter), and a woman pregnant with my 3rd child... I give you my sincere apologies you are having such a difficult time.  I barely graduated high school myself, and have struggled most of my life to "get it on track", but as a single parent it has been extremely difficult and of that I have no lies.  To this day, while I have raised 2 beautiful wonderfully intelligent and giving daughters (my 2nd daughter is 9 yrs old), I feel often that I have failed them and they have lived through situations they did not need to.  Sometimes, I wonder if it wouldn't have been better for my oldest daughter to have given her up for adoption when I had the opportunity, but then she holds me close and loves me no matter what.  I know that we are some of the rare few who have made something of our lives to an extent, but it was a long hard road to get here.

As for the father, remember that he still has rights, as well.  The father of my 14 yr old was a deadbeat in the worst way.  He called me every night threatening me, trying to stress me to the point that I would miscarry or give my daughter up.  He has had next to nothing to do with her life, and in someways it has been for the best but at the same time it has hurt my daughter as well.  My ex-husband, the father of my 9 yr old, is also a deadbeat and owes thousands of dollars in back child support.  However, he loves both of my daughters (his blood as well as the little girl he took on as his own), and does his best to care for them.  Yes, he "only" works at McDonald's, however he does love my daughters and tries hard to do right by them.  Every weekend he picks them up for visitation (and he doesn't have to take the older one since she isn't his, but he does), and we work together to communicate and make sure the kids are first in our lives.

I cannot tell you what is best for you, however I can understand your emotions over your situation.  The support for adoption, sometimes, is hard to find amongst family or friends.  Especially if they were looking forward to having a grandchild or niece or whatever.  However, you need to consider not just what is best for yourself and what you want with your life, but also the child.  I know it sounds cliche', however if you are miserable and unhappy, that child will have a very hard life and difficult time finding their own place in the world.  Adoptive parents are not perfect, no parent is perfect we all make mistakes, however if you are not emotionally and mentally prepared to care for the child then do what is best and follow through with the adoption process.  

There is no shame in your choice, there is honor and admiration that you were willing to give a child life, and then give it the best life possible.  Counseling centers and adoption agencies understand these things, and you need all the support you can get.  There is also honor and admiration in being a single parent and doing the best you can with what you have.  However, if you do not have love for your child (and sometimes there are situations when the child is born the adopting mother might change her mind and that is OKAY!) allow a family to love that baby.

Here are a few adoption resources, I hope they help.  Whatever your decision, please keep us informed and know you have my support no matter what you choose.

http://www.adoption.com/
http://courageouschoice.com/?gtse=GOOG&gclid=CLTkv_CJsooCFQ6kWAodgmo4uQ
http://adoptionnetwork.com/?gtse=GOOG&gtkw=adoption&gclid=CLnmrPGJsooCFRlmWAodfTDvuw
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by pertykitty, Feb 15, 2007
this must be very difficult for you. ignore those that talk about us that want children, yes we do, but its proven that you can develope severe depression during pg. maybe this is the case with you. out of your hands. i think you have a couple things you HAVE to do. you understand that this baby might bring you great joy, but maybe it wont. adoption is a great idea to explore before birth. at this point abortion is out of the question. talk to your dr, a therapist, anyone and everyone that can help you. you are not the first to say that a baby on the way gives you severe grief and a desire to not deal with it. dont be embaressed to talk about it with drs. they know how you feel. you are not the first to experience this. as for the father, well that is a tough one. diploma or not, maybe he can raise his child without your help. its time to start feeling better and maybe meds can help. stress can be horrible for pregnancy, and even if you dont want this child, to experience a premature birth could be hard too. dont wait. get help now.
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by nalla, Feb 15, 2007
Hi, First I want to say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through.
And yes, the baby can feel the mothers stress and there isn't really anything that you can do about that unfortunatly. But it shows that you obviously care because you want to protect your baby from your stress.
I would say go back to the pregnancy crisis people and the other people that you talked to. I think reaching out (like you are doing here) will help you more than you think. They might be able to talk with you about your depression and some options that you have.
And it sounds like you haven't told your family. If you told them, they may suprise you and be more supportive than you think. I think if you had more people there to support you and you didn't feel so alone things might get a little better.
And maybe you should talk to your Dr. about your depression. When I was pregnant with my second child (which we planned) I was so depressed that I had a hard time taking care of my first child. I would literaly sit and cry and cry for hours. My Dr. said that sometimes when a woman is pregnant the hormones get all messed up and instead of the "normal" mood swings, you can get really depressed. So he put me on a low dose of antidepressants and in about a week I was pretty much back to my old self again. It might not hurt to talk to your Dr. about this. It may be an option for you.
I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. Just try and reach out to people. Call the crisis line again. And maybe some counseling might help too.
I hope I have helped. I'm sure that some of the other women on here will reply soon...there are a lot of smart, caring women on here.
Keep us updated with how you and your baby are doing.
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by laura99, Feb 16, 2007
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. All I want to say is that you are only 22, you are young enough to have a break raising a child and retaking your career when he or she starts school. You have graduated already and no one will take your qualifications away from you. I am a full time working mum, I am not alone and my bf looks after my son during the day but when I get home I still have a second job to do looking after my son. I c am sure as a single parent, if you decide to work and get childcare you will get some financial help. I am not saying it will be easy but as a mother I can tell you that having a child is wonderful.
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by cantwait4baby, Feb 16, 2007
You sound like you are very depressed and you really should talk to someone.  It if funny how things work, so many women long for a healthy pregnancy and cant and women who try to prevent it conceive.  It is a mystery but there really is no need for the guilt.  You did try to prevent it. You are still young and you are educated.  Maybe try turning your sadness and guilt into an overwhelming Joy for a perfect stranger.  Putting your child up for adoption may help you with your depresstion by seeing just how happy you can make a couple who have been longing for a child receive one.  Pregnancy is nature's way - adoption is God's way isn't that what they say.  Knowing how much joy you can possibly give someone else and at the same time releave yourself of the stress of having an unwanted baby.  All babies are innocent, try not to have hate for the baby - he/she is just in there growing waiting to come out into this allready crazy world.  You have the power to give your baby a wonderful life.  Adoption is not something to be ashamed of.  It takes courage and strength.