VERY OFF TOPIC

how do you go about getting a restraninig order? im about to get one. do you need proof of why you want one or anything? i kno you go to the police station right?

[AndiJ78]

Keith?

[Kim1989]

how did you guess

[Kim1989]

(KEITH) yall can go die for all i care now
(ME): i got that like 20 mins ago keith
:(KEITH) no i sed u b4
(ME): : u cant possibly hate me that much for trying to better our sons life
(KEITH): its changed to yall
(ME): : o so you want him to die now too
(KEITH): sure y not couldnt get any worse
(KEITH): then this
(ME): : ur ******* nuts

[Kim1989]

I Dont want him anywere dominic now

[AndiJ78]

Kim, you have to stop sleeping with him, you cannot keep inviting him in knowing he is this way. But it takes more than this to get a restraining order. I would call the non-emergency number for the local police department and ask for their advice. But it is unlikely you will be able to get one based on this. Your prior behavior will be called into question as well. If you seriously want a restraining order, you need to make sure you are sending a very clear message to him. Not one that is muddled or cloudy.

[babyprayers]

please know, if you get a restraining order, and if you break it you could get in big trouble, I am not sure where you live, in what state, but each one is different please be careful with this guy,

[EmptyArms08]

You can get a restraining order by going to your local police department... its not that hard to get.. but, like babyprayers said you can't just break it... they make you pay to take it off... and its very hard to do.. good luck

[Kim1989]

AndiJ78- huh? i havent slept with keith since about a year ago and that was when dominic was conceived. this as all over the internet. he IMED me. and wound up saying what he said. alright. i mean ppl told me before that i should look into getting one and now after him saying what he said i think it would be best.

he is getting stationed in Japan now, because he lost his rank so i think thats a good thing that hes going to be all the way across the world.

[cantwait4baby]

What you just typed is all you need.  Go to the police station.  They will need his current or last known address.  Then they will serve him.  If they cant find him to serve him I am not sure what happens but once he is served is when he will become really dangerous.  Restraning orders are great but when someone is crazy it just makes them more angry.  I have a friend who just went through this but thank God they did not have children.  Since he is in the service my guess is he had a permit to carry?  You have to let them know this and then that will be void as soon as the order is served.

Dont even respond to him. Be careful.

[Kim1989]

see thats what im scarred of.  him getting even more dangerous and i forgot that because hes in the military he has a permit to carry (im guessing he does) and i dont wnat to make him more angry and have more vengence against me. because he hates me enough as it is for having him get served in the first place, but even more if he gets served again id be scarred what he would do

[mayflowers]

Sadly Kim, this guy obviously wants you out his life.  It sounds like he wasn't that serious about you to begin with and then you got pregnant and he was forced to be connected to you for the rest of his life.  This is how he is viewing it - a connection that he never wanted in the first place.   He was looking for sex and he got that but he is obviously to stupid to know that sex can result in pregnancy.  I know he's a grown man and he should take responsibility for getting you pregnant but he really does not want to do that.  To him, you tried to  trap him.  Keith feels traps and now he is fighting for his freedom. My guess is he is very bitter and angry and emotionally immature so his way of dealing with you is to scare you in this way.

You should take these threats seriously and let the police know what's Keith has said to you.  Normally I would never recommend this, but you should forget about going after him for child support.  Get complete legal and financial custody of your son.  Leave him alone.  Stop talking to his family.  Get complete custody and take full financial and emotional responsibility for your son.  Your son doesn't have a father - really he doesn't.  Keith is not father material in any way, shape, or form.  Let him off the hook and move on with your life.  

Get a job and start supporting yourself and your son.  Try to find a man who will help you and take care of Dommy.   I think if you let Keith off the hook from everything, and he understands that he won't have to have anything more to do with you or the son,  he will stop the threats and you will be free to live your life without fear.  Once everything is legal and Keith knows he will not be linked to you anymore, the threats will stop and you will be free.  

I wish you luck b/c the path that you have chosen to take is a hard one but other women have done it, so can you.  I am being very hard on you and not sugar coating anything, but this is really what you need to hear.

[Hope2OneDay]

Why doesn't he just give up his parental rights so you can move on? He won't have to pay child support. You won't have to see him. Dominic won't have to have a jerk for a father and role model. Everyone wins.

If he wants you two dead, then just "become" dead to him in the sense that you don't see him anymore...at all. Get full parental custody (you should be able to do that pretty easily since you have proof that he wants you dead anyway) and when he moves to Japan have no more contact with him at all.

My cousin did this with the father of her son. He was worthless, had no interest in his son and didn't want to pay child support. She got sole parental custody and the man hasn't been around since. Her son is 10 years old I believe.

Good luck!

[addysmom]

I just read one of the posts where someone said to "find a man to help you take care of your son".  

My best advice to YOU is to provide the most STABLE, loving environment.  Don't go searching for a man to help you.  Make sure that your friends that are men are GOOD role models for him....and thats it.  When the time is right...the right man will find you!

Good luck

[Cheyenne_08]

Okay Ladies....a lot of you have misconceptions about getting a restraining order or commonly called a PPO (personal protection order). They are NOT easy to get and you have to have d@mn good evidence. I have a degree in Criminal Justice, and work in a Domestic Violence Shelter and I have ALOT of court experience! They can be obtained, but there are a lot of factors that play into it. The fact that he is not even in your state (isn't he stationed somewhere else?) will make the judge believe these are not achievable threats. The fact that he is being stationed in Japan really make them not achievable threats. He did NOT directly threaten your life saying something like "I am going to come and kill you", he has NOT followed you to work or the grocery store or anything like that. You can NOT get a restraining order based on someone saying you could die and they wouldn't care! You know how many PPO's there would be if that were the case??? You have to file for a PPO through the courts and a hearing will be set up. Basically Kim, you have to come up with some pretty concerning evidence before a judge will even listen to you. You can't keep Keith away from Dominic (he is his father). I know you are frustrated and the good guy generally loses the first few times through court, but Keith will hang himself. Try not to let your judgment be clouded.

[babyscience]

I suggest the same as the posters above.  Have him sign off parental rights and get him out of your life forever.  It isnt worth the child support for yours or your sons life to be in danger.  If you get a restraining order against him chances are he will become angry and come after you.  There have been many stories out there where the ex will come after the mom and kill her.  So just cut him free...as it was mentioned before he feels trapped...most likely if pushed he will do anything it takes to be free.

[AndiJ78]

Kim, I sent you a pm. You need to be honest with yourself and everyone here. I know you are young, but you are a mom now and you need to remember you cannot play games. One minute you hate him and fear for your life, the next you are considering living with him. You need to decide what you want and you need to make sure those feelings are known. You cannot be wishy-washy and involve the courts, it simply does not work.

[Kim1989]

yes i was concidering living with him when he acted like he grew up and was being nice and kind and telling me that if dominics his son he deserves a father and deserves a family and the best possible life. that was before. i was giving him the benifit of the doubt that he had some ounce of morals left in him....but he doesnt and i found that out last night. im not being wishy washy and involve the courts. and im not paying games im trying to give dominic the best possible life and not give up on my own life. and its not like im cosidering having anything to do with him especially live with him. im very upset that you really think that i had sex with him earlier this week.

[AndiJ78]

My apologies, you mention relations with an ex and with the recent talk of moving in with him, it wasn't a far leap to it being Keith.

But you need to read back on your posts. I will give you one thing, generally you seem to want nothing to do with him, but then you will throw in comments about moving with him and it really lends to being wishy washy.

Unfortunately, unless you have proof of him actually doing something, not just an IM, they are unlikely to give you an order of protection. You need to demonstrate a more significant threat. Get to court on the child support, set up a parenting plan/custody order, and go from there. Keep things civil with Keith, don't play into the games, keep all communications strictly about Dommy (ie visitation, child support, or just Dommy in general) Nothing else. No back and forth, no threats on either side, no blaming each other for bad choice, nothing else.

My dad and real mom did not get along. My dad would be civil, never spoke an ill word. On the other hand my real mom did nothing but trash talk, condemn him, speak horribly about him and my step-mom. I HATED her for that. Because it wasn't my relationship with my dad she was destroying, it was my self-esteem. He is half of me, so if he is all those things, I must be too right? Just be sure your interests are really with Dommy in mind and not peppered with your own anger or feelings of rejection from long ago. I know my real mom harbored ill feelings towards my dad until her death, some 23 years after their divorce. He was a cheater, cheated during their brief marriage, cheats on his current wife of 25 years, cheated on everyone he ever dated. Yet she still loved him. Her projection of hate was borne out of hurt feelings. So I think you need to think deep down, really deep, about where the feelings you feel and how you project them.

[KCBound]

I agree with the other women that said to have him sign off on his parental rights.
Keith isn't worth all of this heart ache and stress. Neither you nor Dominic needs this guy. He is about as worthless of a father as they come.

[spade22]

Kim,

I believe Cheynenne is correct about what is needed to get a restraining order and how difficult it can be.  I have a friend in MO whose ex-husband is absolutely nuts and some of the things he has done are much worse than Keith but she cant get a restraining order because he hasnt physically laid a hand on her or her kids........yet.   That being said, call your local police department for recommendations and see what options are available to you.

Do you REALLY think Keith is capable of hurting Dominic or yourself?  If so, I agree w/ the others in that it is better to severe all ties with him.  If you think he is just all talk, then I would still seek child support since it takes two to tango.

[pertykitty]

kim get off the computer and call the police dept (not 911 the non emergency line) and have them help you.  honestly i know you need help financially, but id see if he will sign off all rights, and get out of your life for good.  maybe in 10 years he may grow up and then maybe he can be a part of doms life but for now (just my opinion not necessarily the right one) he shouldnt be around either of you.  being in the military doesnt just give him a right to carry around a gun, did he threaten you with a gun?  print all the im's he has sent you and keep them for proof.  

if you have to get 2 jobs to take care of dom then so be it.  i dont think trying to keep keith in his life so you dont have to work and to help with bills is worth it in any way shape or form.  ive worked 2 jobs before and its not easy, but it can be done.  im just saying do whatever you need to do to keep you both safe.

[tiredbuthappy]

Haven't people advised you to speak to his superior officers in the past? Would that acoomplish anything?

I know for you it would be easier emotionally if he just disappeared from the picture, but it really bothers me that he'd get out of all the responsibilities. It will teach him and his friends that if you get someone pregnant, all you have to do is act like a d!ck and you'll get out of all responsibilities. Not that a lesson should be taught at your expense- it just feels so wrong to me.

[Kim1989]

thank you laides. see i can totally understand why everyone says he should sign off his rights but i feel like tiredbuthappy said that its bothersom that he would get out of his responsibilities. and ive been so so so busy with everything. I GRADUATED THIS WEEK!!!! but after saturday things will calm down a lot. what would his officer do anything. like i dont know what i should say to him about this situation.

i dont THINK keith is capable of hurting us. but i just think i dont know. i know he usually is all talk. he always talks a big game and never came through on that. im thankful that he is not harrassing me by calling my phone or etc. he imed me in the first place.....for what i guess just to talk so i dont kno.  but i do know this child support things bothering him the most so i dont kno if he would do something or not and i dont want to wait around and find out.

i do kno that if i continue with the childsupport i will show the courts all the converstaions i have with him and tell them i want no visitation or limited supervised visitation with keith.

i got a message from someone who basically said that restraning orders dont really do much other than have the cops arrest him if he comes within a certian distance and i would just call the cops anyways even if i didnt have it. and im scarred that if i did go get a restranining order on him that he will get more angry wich scarres me. i guess your right  tiredbuthappy i should just call his officer and talk to them about the situation. i hope that he doenst wind up getting kicked outta the marines because thats what he wants. he just got dropped a rank and he said if he gets kicked out hes not going to work so he doesnt have to pay child support! its all about the money for him and he doenst get its about DOMINIC and whats best for him. not whats best for KEITH!

[Kim1989]

C THIS IS WHY YOUNG GIRLS SHOULDNT TTC A BABY WITH A "GREAT" GUY BECAUSE THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS AND THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH!

[spade22]

He sounds like a REAL loser - why did he get dropped a rank?  Its gotta be hard to mess up that badly.  And not working so he doesnt have to pay child support??????  What an A S S.  He has to work sometime and if hes kicked out of the marines he wont be eligible for unemployment (at least I dont think so) - how does he plan on supporting himself if he doesnt work?????????????

[AndiJ78]

Actually, it isn't hard to get dropped a rank. In the Navy and Marines if you look at a CO cross eyed you will lose a stripe. In other branches like the USAF it takes something like a DUI. How long has he been in, it usually takes 6 mos just to get the first stripe anyway.

I don't doubt he is a loser, but I hope one day you guys can work through this. And you are very right, it should be noticed that this is a guy you thought was great. It is so difficult to gauge a good guy anymore.

[spade22]

Thanks for that info - I had no idea one could lose a rank over something so trivial!

Now heres a side story.
My mother got pregnant when she was 19 and my father threatened to beat her up when he found out (I believe to cause a MC).  She ran as fast as she could from him and we havent heard from him since (we are from NZ and I was conceived in Australia so the water barrier helped).   My mother raised me w/out child support although she was on government assistance and while raising me she went to university part-time to earn her masters degree.   I cant say I have ever wanted to meet my father - a lot of people are surprised by this but to me growing up without a father was "normal" and I didnt ever really feel like I was missing anything in my life (its hard to miss something when you have never had it).  So..... on one hand if you can work though things with Keith thats great, on the other hand you have the ability to provide for Dominic and teach him how to be successful without his father and its also possible to do this w/out assistance from him.  Ultimately, you have to make the final decision about what path to take and what you think is in the best interests of your son.

[2ndBaby]

FYI, Kim, if it makes you feel any better, Keith does not have the ability/right to carry a firearm, concealed or otherwise, just because he is in the military.

[AndiJ78]

Nope, 2ndBaby is right, my dh still had to get his concealed weapons permit when he was in the USAF.

[Kim1989]

2ndBaby- yes i do feel much better about that! thank you!!!


as for why he got dropped a rank he said something like he and a bunch of his marine friends and his ex went to mexico to get drunk or something on memorial day weekend he said marines arnt allowed in mexico or something.....and he got into trouble for it. which he wanted. and yeah he said he was going to work a job that was under the table so he doesnt have to pay cs. HA and as for the mexico thing i doubt hed be telling the truth

[AndiJ78]

Actually, if he went down there and got busted, he would lose a stripe. That is a HUGE no-no now. My dh is a civilian employee of the Dept of Navy and they frequently send folks down to San Diego for work assignments and that is the big rule: No one goes into Mexico, it is so serious they are threatened with suspension or termination.

He is an idiot if he went against orders, no doubt about that.

[kerryke]

If you want no contact with him, then dont respond to his messages.
Dont try to justify why you are responding to him, you know it is
not going to lead to any resolution, so just dont respond and let
him wonder why.

[mami1323]

Honestly Kim, I don't think he's going to do anything to you or Dominic.  Child support and visitation are considered separate in the courts, so you can get child support without having Keith see his son.  It just sounds to me like he's angry for you having Dominic and only see's it as him having to give up money to you.  It doesn't sound like he wants to have any relationship with Dominic at all, and just threatens to get custody to hurt you.  I think you should get child support from him because he had unprotected sex and therefore should have to take care of his responsibilities.  I don't think you should respond to his instant messages.  Unless, he is asking you if he could see his son supervised...other than that, no contact should occur.  That is just going to make it easier.  I know you want this relationship between Dominic and his father but I really don't think it's going to happen unless Keith grows up and it doesn't look very promising.  I hope things do work out though.