As early as I am in my pregnancy (almost 7 weeks), I'm having to deal with some things that I shouldn't have to yet.
I found out today that my MIL is already making plans to come here after the baby is born NEXT April!
I know she will come visit...that's expected and normal.
The problem is that she wants to stay for THREE MONTHS!!! I mean, what is the normal protocol on "visiting relatives" just after giving birth? I am beginning to dread giving birth...and for reasons other than labor pains!
I feel pretty certain that I will be emotional and nervous (this being my first baby). Not to mention the hormonal imbalance I will be going through. I just can't bear the thought of having someone in my house 24/7 for the first three months when I'm a trying to adjust to being a new mom. I expect my mom, as well as dh's to be here for a few days when I first have the baby...but then I thought everyone would go their seperate ways and let me learn things on my own, and get adjusted to my new life as "mother". I don't mind advice or a little help. But I don't need someone constantly over my shoulder when I'm JUST learning, because then all I'll hear is how SHE did things, or what I should do INSTEAD. She's very overbearing, and has a way of forcing her opinions on people. She is a smoker (although she doesn't smoke inside, but I still smell it one her) And she is a NONSTOP talker!! ugggghh!! I just expected that we would initially have visitors, then it would just be the three of us...mom, dad, and baby...our new family.
What are some of YOUR stories? Any advice at ALL??
my mil wanted to come after her first grandchild came. I voiced my concerns with my husband and had him tell her that a couple of days was more than enough. That way you can still get some rest after the baby has been up all night and you are adjusting from being at the hospital. But then it's time to learn on your own. Believe me if it makes her mad she will get over it. She will want to see the baby and if she is mad she can't. Good luck!!
Oh I can somewhat relate, I remember thinking of all the visitors before I had DS & my mom offering & my MIL also saying you can come stay at my house for awhile, well at the time I was like NO WAY, but once I came home from the hosp. we had a family member call & say they were coming to spend the night we had only been home for 2days, my DH was soooo mad, they got a room instead so DH was :) but I was amazed that someone would wanna say I'm coming to stay (although I realize it was just one night) but we had just gotten home. But we had soooo much company honestly our home had a visitor for at least 6weeks every single day, it got on DH nerves (think he was ready to go stay w/ my mom or his mom b/c of all the company LOL) I know this sounds crazy but I think when Igot home I was just so glad that DS& me were alive (I had a huge fear of childbirth)that it didn't bother me (also no one ever spent the night) I'm sure how that would have went, but if you are gonna BF I might be tempted to let all the fam stay over night for mo LOL :) DS ate every 2 hours so I was soooo tired I would have loved to pump & hand the bottle over to someone in the wee hrs (DH had to go to wk early) I'm pg w/DS#2 now so we'll see how this one goes, one of my worries this time is that I'm due DEC 18 so thats virus & flu & the crud time & people mean well but have no sense when it comes to germs & babies so I'm hoping the Hosp. vis. are alot less than w/ my first. Plus it's not so much the new baby since I'll BF he'll probably be just fine but DH, me , or DS#1 are not getting the good stuff to fight off sicknesses thats in Breastmilk LOL If you BF don't let your fam talk you out of it, so many times if you BF & your baby cries they say Oh it must be your milk I was told that so much & I kept Bf & my DS wasn't sick til he was 13 mo with a cold. Good Luck, if someone stays w/ yall make sure it's someone who will help with cleaning & baby stuff, not just a chair holder. It would not be so bad if they helped you. LOVE & PRAYERS
I personaly would not want someone to stay with me for 3 months. I like having my space & not having to worry about someone else. This is your first baby, and I agree that you need to learn on your own. Having someone with you for 3 months & then come the day they leave it could be a total shock to you. I would have your dh talk to her & mention that a week will be good enough. Tell her you 2 need one on one time with the new addition, to learn on your own, & just to get to know eachother and the new schedule. My mil wanted to pick up my son from daycare and keep him at her house AND then take him back so that I could pick him up after work!? I could just see the daycare trying to keep up with whether he was there or not & me getting to daycare & him not being there. (not to mention her dirty house....ugh) DH was suppose to talk to her about it, but was taking way too long so I finally told her. I wanted it out in the open & ahead of time so that everyone had the same understanding. So you may need to talk with your mil. Don't let her push you into her staying longer than you are comfortable with. She's excited & that's great, but it's your first baby & you need that time with him or her. Good luck to you!
Stand you ground now or else she will walk all over you once that baby is here. I had to get into a huge blow up with my MIL because she wanted to see her hgrand son every weekend and my husband and I wanted to have weekends to ourselves. She also was not listening to me when I told her to things a certain way with my son and went on to do it her way. Once we told her how we felt and that she needed to not step on our toes with our parenting and she wasnt going to see her grandson every weekend she finally backed off and our relationship is beter then it ever has been!! good luck.
ps. dont worry about her feelings with this situation. your wants are number one right now and when the baby is born just make sure her husband backs you up!
Oh my goodness...what a dilemma! How far away does your MIL live? It sounds like it must be pretty far if she is wanting to stay for that long of a stretch. It is REALLY hard sometimes to get people to understand that it is YOUR baby. (My MIL refers to my 4 month old DD as "her" baby...grrrr) Yes, the extra help is always wonderful but sometimes can be more of a nuisance. My OWN mother came for a week after I had my DD and it was almost frustrating because I felt like I constantly had to FIND things to keep her busy (laundry, cleaning, etc...) I felt like I couldn't relax.
You HAVE to voice your feelings about this. Tell her that you would like for her to come for a few days (or however long you like) and then maybe ask her to come back for another week when the baby is a month or two old. You NEED to have time with the three of you without someone else in the way...especially if they are overbearing like your MIL. Do you have any other family members nearby that your MIL could stay with so she isn't at your house?
Good luck and I hope you are able to find some peace with this. I'd hate for you to stress about it for your entire pregnancy!!!!
after i came home from the hospitol and all the visitors left (no out of towners) i sighed. how great it felt to be with my little guy (oh and ex too lol) without everyone in my face. in my boob while trying to learn how to bf. i couldnt stand anyone coming for 3 months. 3 weeks would be hard enough. hopefully your dh will explain that a week will be sufficient (or whatever you feel is the right amount of time) and she wont have a fit. good luck on the birth of you newest addition!
Absolutely - get your husband on side first - make him understand that this is NOT ON! That you don't know what to expect of yourself and the baby once it arrives and that whilst a short stay may be the only compromise - be very clear on when it's time to leave! It is so overwhelming bring baby home for the first time that having someone else there will only make you feel worse not better. If she had any sense she'd understand and respect your wishes. Just as a side note though...the further along you get the less tolerance you will have for ANYTHING and chances are you will speak your mind where once you didn't! This is often a good excuse at telling people what you really think and then blaming on being heavily pregnant!!!
Either dh or you (if he won't) needs to give it to her straight right now. Tell her just what you told us, as nicely as you can. You are absolutely NOT obligated to have any guests, especially for that long. My mother drives me nuts, and I didn't want her here for the birth, or immediately afterward. I just told everyone that I didn't want any overnight guests for the first 2 months. I needed that time to develop my own style, and enjoy my baby by myself. When she was 8 weeks old, my mom paid for me to come see her for 10 days, and that was more than enough. Don't be a pushover.It's your house, your life, and your baby.
You should not talk to your MIL but have your husband talk to her. This is very important. If it was your Mom then it would be your place to do the talking, but it isn't. Also, your husband needs to say, "I" and not "my wife" when telling your MIL that three months is much too long. It needs to come off that you are not the reason, but it is his decision.
I went through the EXACT same problem. My MIL/FIL wanted to come for three months. We were about 2 months pregnant when she brought it up. My husband told me that he told her no way, too long, so I didn't worry about it. After baby was born she emailed saying the dates she was coming...THREE MONTHS. I emailed her directly and told her that is WAY too long for anyone to stay (even my mom). She was very upset because she'd been planning this for 7 months and thought I was changing things at the very end...I strongly recommend you contact them directly...with or without your husband and let your feelings known (in a nice way). They ended up coming for 2.5 weeks and at the end they agreed that 2 weeks was plenty!! I think they thought a 2 month old baby did more than she did!! They were bored. Good Luck!
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