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Warning .....VENTING!!!!
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Warning .....VENTING!!!!

Some of you already know the situation with my stepson.  In a nutshell, I'm mommy.  I've been with my husband for about 3 years (since he was 3)    We pretty much moved in together right away and got married within months after that.  My husband has full custody or primary residence is what Florida calls it.  She never even bothered to show up to court to fight for custody so my husband got it.  Anyway, this girl moves from here to there making more babies she can't afford.  She is now 23 with 4 kids.  Since I have been with my husband she has seen my son (stepson) maybe six times.  Even that may be too many.  She moved to another state last year and didn't even tell us.  Not that it mattered because she only saw him once before that.  Anyway she came back in October and demanded to see him.  She screwed the kid up mentally and pooof, she's gone again.  Well guess freakin what????  She's back!  I wrote her an email and said that we would like her to try and have a relationship with him but we need to start slow.  Now keep in mind, he calls me mommy.  I never told him to, he just does.  He knows I'm not his "real" mommy but to him I am.  That is until she comes back and tells him that I'm not.  This poor kid.  So anyway, we let him see her with us there a couple days ago.  Today she calls my husband and says that she now wants to see him with just my husband and son.  She doesn't want me there.  She wants to have family day with just them.  Am I being unreasonable that I am really mad??  I take care  of HER kid.  She pays nothing because she can't keep a job for longer than a week and she comes around to play mommy twice a year.  No phone calls in between, cards, nothing.  She told my husband she should be allowed to see him without us there because he is her son.  She also wants him to stop calling me mommy because he is HER son.  I'm sorry, I don't have a question, I just need to vent.  There is so much more but I really can't type all that and I don't think you ladies have all night to sit here and read.  Thanks for listening!
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23 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Does she have any kind of court ordered visitation rights? If not, then you have every right to be there with your husband and step son. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
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151154_tn?1208134182
No, she doesn't.  It says that she can see him when it is basically on our terms.  She tells him lies about both me and my husband.  He comes home mad at us.  I just wish she would go away.
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Avatar_f_tn
Of course she does, that's why she doesn't want you there. She wants to bad mouth you to him, and she can't very well do it when you are there.

I feel for you and your situatuion. And I feel sorry for the little guy, because she messes with his head, and then you are left once again, to undo the damage that she has caused.
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151154_tn?1208134182
I just want to cry.  I have thought about leaving my husband over this.  Thats not fair to him though.  I feel so bad for my son.  He starts having accidents and crying himself to sleep because of all this shorty after he sees her.  I really would love to file a complaint against her because my son says she beats her other children with belts.  Also today I just found out she is married to two different people.  She married one guy for money to keep him in the country.  She wants to take us to court for custody but I don't think she has a chance.  At least I hope
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145992_tn?1341348674
What does your husband think?  I think he should tell her no.  If she wants to see him then it has to include you as well.  Keep records of everything...emails, text messages.  Document so that you have stuff to bring to court.  I feel for you...this little boy is so lucky you are in his life.  FYI....you can file a complaint towards her and remain anonymous.  
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13167_tn?1327197724
If she can see him on your terms,  what is the argument?  

Don't let her see him without you.  If your husband disagrees and fights you on this,  that's the problem.  Otherwise,  The ball is totally in your court.
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Avatar_f_tn
hi lynne, let me first say your a great woman, my husbands mom left him with dad at5y old.they were teenage parents, she bounced in and out till he was 10. when dad and now stepmom said enough, dad remarried when my husband wasalmost7 so his"stepmom" is my mominlaw. she sat at school for him, nursed him, feed him disaplined him, just like you. now till this day I see the damage his "real mom" caused, for years he felt like he couldnt be loved becouse "my mother carried me for 9m and dosnt love me how could someone else" it kills me now  still I see the damage. If she happens to call its almost guarenteed the next days going to be hard on us, he doesnt see it. I would consider not allowing the vists untill theres common ground but you cant reason with some people, or maybe bring in a conseler or mediater.  good luck keep me posted.  
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151154_tn?1208134182
No, my husband told her that I have as much say as him because I have been a huge part of his life.  I"m the one that has got him involved in sports, music, you name it.  She argues that she is his mom and not me and that I have no say.  Well if she wants to be in his life then she needs to start taking on the financial responsibility of this child.  Oh, except she can't feed the other three she has.  
Just for the record I was the one who emailed her and called her to see if she wanted to see him.  
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151668_tn?1239924705
I surely hope he hasn't stopped calling you mommy because of what she said. Have you had a heart to heart with him to explain that some people are just angry, and that even though you're not his "real" mommy, it is perfectly OK with you that he call you that? And that you love for him to call you mommy? Maybe she has put it in his head that he shouldn't call you that because you might not like it, when in fact she's the one who doesn't like it.

If she is causing him any mental stress at all, you should definitely report her. There is no need for her to suddenly pop up during the year JUST long enough to stir up a beehive, then pop out again without so much as a b-day card or phone call to the poor baby. It's not fair to him that he should have to go through this. Birth mother or not, she pretty much abandoned him. I'm pretty sure a court would quickly side with you and the dad (if you can get him on board) so that she cannot visit him at ALL. God knows you don't want him to start having behavioral problems due to unneeded stress. Children are resilient, but only to so much. Even if he wants you and his dad to help him, he would probably be too scared to say anything b/c she probably makes him feel that way...like he can't trust you. I think it's VERY important that you and your husband fix this situation. Do what's best for your son...this is no time to be thinking about her feelings, as she's an adult who can deal with it. He's just a child who has to depend on the adults. He has no choice in the matter, although I'm sure he wishes he did. And he won't know how to cope. If it can't be worked out that she no longer has visitation, then I'd look into some sort of therapy for him. He will definitely need an outsider's view to help him cope with all the drama and stress.

I feel for you. I REALLY do. I hope everything turns out in your favor.
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151154_tn?1208134182
My husband basically told her tonight that if she wants to see him then she needs to take it back to court.  We have had enough.  He does have behavioral problems.  After she disappears he acts up for a few months and then seems to get back on track.  Then boom, she's back to cause more.  Her own dad told me to cut her off.  I'm actually very close to her half sister, dad and stepmom.  That makes her mad too.  Everything makes this girl mad.  The problem is I think it may be illegal to keep him from her.  I just don't think its fair that she wants him when she wants him and thats it.  My husband and I want to take her to court for child support and have no idea how to go about it because we surely can't afford a lawyer right now.  I think that may make her disappear.  She hasn't paid a dime for this child.  I also have a baby that is about to turn a year and would really like this drama to be somewhat under control before he is old enough to figure things out.  They seem to feed off one another.
Thanks for you support ladies.  I just can't sleep , I want to scream.  Or call her, haha, but that isn't a good idea.  I'm more mature than that.  
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Avatar_f_tn
That is too bad.  He sure is lucky to have a mom like you though!  Just continue what you are doing...love him and support him.  Once he gets old enough he will probably say he does not want to see her anymore.  People like that should not be allowed to have anymore kids!  Can you try to make it more difficult for her to see him?
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Avatar_f_tn
Lynne, have yourself a nice cold glass of wine (or a good stiff drink), and kick back and try to relax.

Hope you get a good nights sleep!
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151668_tn?1239924705
I would definitely go after her for child support if she insists on seeing him. You're right, it will probably make her change her mind quickly about seeing him at all.

Otherwise, what right does she have to be in his life? You can't let other people take care of your children and never pay a dime, but expect to have a say in his life and see him like she's done nothing wrong. I would first try to cut out all contact. If you can't get that because she actually has "rights", then I'd pursue the child support. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

Personally, I think the fact that she has only seen him a handful of times proves that she lost all her rights.

On the other hand, if you pursue child support, that may guarantee her the right to continue seeing him. I'm not really sure about that though. There has to be people paying child support who also lost their rights to see the child to to putting the child in danger (mentally or physically).

Best of luck...
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Avatar_f_tn
I hope today brings you a better perspective on your situation.

Good luck and don't let her get her way!
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93654_tn?1247502934
I don't know about FL law, but if a family court in Texas says that the visitation schedule is up to you and dh then it is taken literally. You've listed tons of reasons why she should not have unsupervised visits with him, so I don't think you're doing anything wrong by not allowing her to see him unsupervised. I think you've handled it well- if she can't spend time with both of you present, then tell her to take a hike. She made her decision when she didn't show up in court back when he was a baby. The child support is a tough one. If she doesn't have any money to pay then you're probably not going to get any whether a court orders it or not. It's too bad that she wasn't ordered to pay it before she had all those other kids. You and dh will get through this- lean on each other for support.
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565764_tn?1216554948
I would definately go after this woman for child support. This child shouldn't be in her sons life if she is just going to do more mental damage to him.
I am speaking from experience. I come from a divorced family. I was raised by my grandparents and my mom. My dad moved away after my parents got divorced. So i hardly saw him since he didn't have a car and plus he was working at the time.
Her saying that you can't be there also is wrong. Your his "stepmom" so you should be there regardless. Your step-son would probably safer with you there. since his biological mom pops in and out of his life.
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565764_tn?1216554948
I meant to say this mother shouldn't be in her son's life sorry about that.
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Avatar_f_tn
i dont know about fl either but in the state i am from if you haven't visited your child or paid any support for a period of 6 months, the stepparent can legally adopt.  have you thought of going that route?
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Avatar_f_tn
lynn this woman isnt going to change.  if your son is having behavior problems then i suggest getting him some counceling. my son went through it several years after we divorced and i wish i had done it sooner. it was the best thing and has made a huge difference in his happiness.  it will become documented as well seeing as the therapist will also meet with you and your husband and you can discuss all the issues regarding his so called mom.  kids do need to be part of their parents lives, but it really sounds like she is causing so much pain for him it makes me sad.  any visitation needs to be in public, and with both of you there.  never alone because if she is bad mouthing either of you its going to leave a scar on that poor little guy.  tell dh he needs to put his foot down and put your son first and that woman can do whatever she wants, with her other kids.  remember though, dont badmouth  his mom in front of him, he doesnt need that either


hows the baby???
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564775_tn?1243392302
lynne not sure about fl. but in VA visitiaton states what the order says and if it states through you than i would not allow it . let her take you to court than she can explain why she hasnt been around in this lil boys life . let her look like the fool. and if you are taking her to court for visitation they can order child support there to  or you can go to your local child support enforement office and file there. sweety you dont need no lawyer to file for child support. since she is making your life a living hell i would do the same back to her. she has no right to mess up this lil boys life just cause is acts like a child. you keep your head up and do what is right for YOUR SON .you got your husband on your side and thats a good thing. so make the right decisions and make her take you guys back to court you have enough grounds for the reasons why you will not allow further visits. and you have nothing to worry about .
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130384_tn?1221596627
If she can't pull it together enough to hold a job for more than a week and seems to have trouble making court dates, can't you file paperwork to legally adopt him?  Then in order for her to contest it, she'd have to show up in court, right?  And have the money for a good lawyer?

I'd try to legally adopt him, and then you don't have to worry about her anymore.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Hi lynne,

I did some research and found this:

adoption can be granted and the biological parent's consent can be waived if the court is convinced that the biological parent has abandoned the child as that term is defined under chapter 63 of the Florida Statutes:

(1) “Abandoned” means a situation in which the parent or person having legal custody of a child, while being able, makes no provision for the child's support and makes little or no effort to communicate with the child, which situation is sufficient to evince an intent to reject parental responsibilities. If, in the opinion of the court, the efforts of such parent or person having legal custody of the child to support and communicate with the child are only marginal efforts that do not evince a settled purpose to assume all parental duties, the court may declare the child to be abandoned.

If you chose to go this route you can not collect child support.  Just so you know you have full parental rights to this child, which means financial responsibility as well.  I know here in NY child support and visitation are considered 2 separate issues.  A parent is legally responsible for paying support but does not have to see their child.  I am thinking it's the same in FL law as well.  You might be eligible for a court appointed attorney in family court.  I think it's based on your income though.  You may need an attorney though.

Good luck to you.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I applaud you and think that it was the right thing to do to try to keep his maternal mother in his life.  You are a strong woman, and I am very happy that this little boy has a mommy that can keep it together like you can.  I realize how confusing it must be to him.  I just have to say that it amazes me that you would make the effort to include this woman, only for her to turn around and try to cut you out of the picture.  Hopefully she will wake up one day and realize that she cannot replace you!
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