What did you do about your will and designating a guardian?

My sister mentioned to me the (very sad!) story of a friend of hers who died with her husband in a car crash, leaving 2 children (the oldest age 10), and no will (and therefore, no designated guardian).  My husband and I have wills, but they are out of date -- don't even mention that we have a child.  The odds are so slim it will be needed, but the consequences are so important if it is.  So we're considering this issue and soon to be updating our legal stuff.  We have my sister and her dh, my cousin and his dh, and my husband's nephew and his dw (we like all of these people) who might be candidates.  How does one choose?  If you have gone through this, how did you decide?  Is it by who will keep the child closest to his present life?

[AnnieBrooke]

Hmm ... I didn't think about anyone contesting the will for the sake of the guardianship.  But it is true that the reason we want this laid out is because we have seen fighting in the family when something wasn't clearly stated in a will -- something about a vacuum, everyone seems to want to jump in with their two cents worth, and it gets to be a fight over who knew the loved one's wishes the best.  Sounds like you have a bigger estate than we do, if people would be impressed by the threat of disinheritance.  LOL

[SeeingSpots]

When we did ours, we went with the closest (family tree wise) relative that also knows our son the best-- we picked my sister and her dh.  We skipped over our parents, because although they've been a big part of our son's life, they also are older.  (Not to mention it might cause fighting amongst them over custody once we are gone-- and hard feelings about which parent we "liked" more.)  Before we drew up the will we of course asked my sister/dh about it.
We then had to pick a secondary/alternate.  If we die and our #1 choice was unable to do it for some unforseen reason, then they'd go to family #2 (picked my husband's cousin/dh).  
We left the bulk of our estate to our son, with the guardians having access to use some of the $ for his care, and then he'd inherit the rest when he was of legal age.
As a final precaution, we put in that anyone who contested the will was automatically disqualified from getting anything of ours... sounds cruel, but I've heard of other families that have been ripped apart once money and children are involved (and the estate being held in limbo and kids in foster care until the courts figure it all out).
Good luck, and good job in looking out for your child!

[mum2beagain]

Custoday of our sons goes to my sister and my husbands brother; they too are a couple and are due to be married next year, we felt that they would be most likely to raise our son's as we would. The majority of our estate would go to our children, 1/4 at 21, 1/4 at 23 and the rest at 25. 10% would go to our brother and sister and hubbies brother is executor so they can have acess to the money for when the kids need stuff as they grow up. There were lots of questions about what might happen in the future (what if they split up etc), it was too complicated to put in a clause for every situation that could occur, should things change in the future with their situation we would have to decide who got custody and change our wills.

[AnnieBrooke]

Your sister and your husband's brother are a couple?  How handy for you!  :)

[B&B'sMom]

Does anyone have any advice on what to do if you cannot afford to have a will done?

[AnnieBrooke]

There are legal aid services for people with low incomes, and they could probably do a will for less than you think.  If even that is not possible, it's better than nothing to hand-write a short document about your wishes and have it notarized, and keep it in a very safe place, with copies to key people in the family plus the information of where the original is stored.  (It won't be a technically perfect will, but at least it will indicate your wishes, and in my experience with our family, the arguments started only where the person's wishes weren't known.  If people had known what the person wanted, it would have ruled, even if the will wasn't technically in proper form.)  What I have heard is not to type something and then add handwritten notations, because it then looks messed with.  But in many or even most places, a handwritten will (called a holographic will) is considered legitimate.  It can be very short, but just has to be clearly complete.  (In other words, can't look like there is a page missing or anything.)  Even if you can't afford a lawyer, you can certainly afford the tiny fee for notarizing, and maybe even a safe-deposit box to store it in.  (I think at my bank they are $15.00 to $50.00 per year depending on their size.)      

[mum2beagain]

Yes and we all get on really well, they just spent 3 weeks with us but have now gone back to England, I'm so sad.......
Family gatherings are pretty small as there is only the 4 of us (no more brothers or sisters on either side) our two sets of parents and James and Sam of course. So a for a full family gathering there is only 10 of us! We do have other family, cousins and such but the imediate family is pretty small!

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I was a single mum when I had my dd 16 years ago, I had a will within a few weeks.  When I married my dh we made a new will together and it had provisions for any future kids we might have together as well as my dd.  We then had a simple revision done when ds was born.

Originally my aunt and uncle were the children's guardian's but my aunt is very ill now and when Joseph came along we approached Paul's brother and sil.  They have no kids of their own, are very involved with all their nieces and nephews and we knew would make sure the children had plenty of access to both sides of the family.  It was also important to us that they were members of the same faith and were active in their church community.  They are well educated and will encourage our children to get an education, they are well rounded, caring folks.  I know my children would be safe and cherished in their home.

It is so important to have this all clearly define, otherwise the courts will decide who gets your kids.

[wonderme]

Hi...just thought I'd mention that you can often get templates of legal documents online -- think the fee is pretty nominal.  Just be sure to check to make sure it is valid in your state.

You could use it as is and maybe even pay an attorney (estate) a small fee to just review what you have...or you could just use it as a guide for your own so you know what things to include.

Also, in some states a notary is not enough -- you may need additional witnesses, but again the bank could just have another employee serve as a witness...and my bank doesn't charge for the notary.

And you might want to consider a living will, etc., as in the original poster both parents were involved in the accident and if that were the case, knowing your wishes would be important.

Just my 2 cents.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Those forms are a good guideline for prepping for an attorney, but I don't think they have the same weight as something prepared by an attorney.  It's not a whole lot of money anyway, if you have all the info organized.  I think we paid about $300 for both our wills.

We included a living will in ours as well as specific bequeaths to each child.  (is my daughter is to receive my grandmother's jewelry, and my son an original sketch from the Netherlands)

[wisconsingoofball]

My dad is an attorney, and I worked for him for almost 10 years. Trust me when I say you can't afford NOT to have a will - and one drawn up by an attorney is best. The ones you can get through the mail and do yourself are practically worthless, and the legal advice you get from an experienced lawyer is priceless. My children would go to my sister and her husband. They are close to our age, are financially stable, and hold most of the same beliefs we do. They also live within a couple hours of both our parents. They love my son more than anything. Our money will be held for my son in a trust until age 25, with my sister and her husband having access to it for his care, and also being able to decide whether or not to release part of it early for things such as college expenses or to open a business. Our alternates are my first cousin and his wife.

[wonderme]

Hi...thanks.  While I am aware that they are not as great as a will done by an attorney (my DH is one), if you don't have a lot of assets OR a lot of money -- as one of the posters stated -- then they are certainly better than dying intestate -- especially with dependents.

That is also why I suggested if money was an issue, perhaps just have an attorney review it to make sure it is adequate and legally binding (rather than have them do the whole thing).

Besides the will/living will, I would highly recommend some life insurance.  We had a friend pass away at 35 with young kids and NO insurance.  Didn't think they needed it b/c they were young.  Now the dh struggles b/c of work and expense of child care, etc.

Again, this is just my opinion...and I was just trying to offer a solution to those who may not be able to afford the expense of an attorney but still wanted to offer protection to their family.

All the best!

[AndiJ78]

My real mom died a few years back, my dad and i are estranged, so the easy choice was my in-laws. If something prevented them from stepping up, we designated my "adopted' mother, who while she has no blood ties, has been my "mom" for more than 10 years. We have designated my FIL as the primary for all matters should something happen to both of us. With each child, we have updated our will and POA's.

I really feel you need to make sure that you are both comfortable with your choice. While my in-laws are 54 and 60, I know that age doesn't always matter. My little brother went to live with our grandparents when he was 6 and even now at 24 still lives with him while he finishes up his MBA. My grandparents have done an excellent job with him and even at 82, my grandmother will tell you he has kept her young and spry.

We also made provisions on our guardianship papers to require visitation from my family and everyone agrees on the terms. While my "mom" isn't blood, my in-laws consider her as such. Allowing my dad is at their discretion.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Andi -- Thanks for that idea about visitation.  I think it wouldn't be a problem between my husband's family and mine, but one way to be sure it isn't a problem is to write it into the guardianship agreement.  :)

wonderme, I agree that writing things out, even in a format that might not hold up as an official "will," is still better than dying with nothing written.  When the poster asked about what to do if they couldn't afford a lawyer, it didn't sound like the kind of estate people would be fighting over for the money, so after that stops being an issue, ANYTHING written by the person who died expressing his wishes will help.  People who are left to settle things will often look for clues about what the person who died wanted to have happen.  Writing something and putting it in a safe place with copies to family might possibly be deemed "precatory," but would in many cases be acted on even if it is not official.  My advice above was meant more to be in the realm of practical advice than legal advice.

[AndiJ78]

You never can tell how people will act. The big concern was when we first wrote our up and my biological mother was still alive. We had explicit instructions she was NOT allowed any sort of visitation. While were drawing it up. we added the provision about my "mom" as she has no legal recourse and we wanted to ensure she was still able to maintain her relationship with the kids. My in-laws are good people, but we all know that things can change under diress.