What type of parent am I?

I struggle with what type of parent I want to be to Brody nearly every day, and so does Ben. We lay in bed some nights going back and forth. Do we want to let Brody cry and learn to self soothe or do we want to be loving, doting, attentive parents and allow him to mature more. Is he ready to self soothe? Last night we were frustrated and agreed to take him to his crib and see if he would just cry himself to sleep. After nearly 30 heartbreaking minutes, we couldn't take it anymore and I went and scooped him up. We laid in our bed adoring our sweet boy who quickly fell asleep in the comfort of our bed between his Mommy and Daddy. I told Ben that it is so obvious how secure he feels between us and how much he needs us.

We have had this scenario several times in the past few months and each time it ends up the same. We feel it's doing more harm than good with him in his room alone, crying and we go get him. We are probably doing more damage than good, flip flopping our parenting pattern like this though, so we need to make a decision. I have done so many Google searches on self soothing, teaching your child to sleep, co-sleeping, attachment parenting, etc, etc...and the only thing that I can find that feels right and comfortable for us is that he needs us. He has not reached the maturity yet to self soothe and that in someway we are doing more damage than good, especially to our relationship and trust with him that will affect him for years to come. I came across this article.   http://www.nospank.net/fleiss2.htm   What do you think? I agree with most of what I have read here and it feels like it fits most with what Ben and I want for our son. But, what it doesn't cover is that often times parents are so exhausted from a "high needs" child that can't self soothe yet, that they are not able to fully function as they would if they were getting solid sleep. What do we do about that?

I know parenting is a struggle sometimes. I have teen daughters. Nothing could have prepared me for that! But, even as a parent of five children, I question myself daily. Am I doing the right thing? Will my decisions for them today make them resent me tomorrow? Will they be mature, responsible adults? I don't have all the answers. I guess I'm just venting and hoping I'm not the only one in the world who struggles to find who I am as a parent, questions the decisions I make and tries to do the best that I am capable of doing.

[peekawho]

What a moving post!

I think what you are feeling is competely normal.  There is no one best way to raise a child, and we all have to do what feels right for our children, chuck our hats into the ring, and hope for the best.

Be consistent and loving.  Try not to discipline in anger.  Forgive easily.  Laugh often.

I think if you keep these in mind, you will be going in the right direction.  

[jenstam]

I think being consistent is the part we need to work on while he is young. For the most part, we are consistent with the girls. They know what we expect of them. Of course, they try our patience, try to bend the rules and try getting away with things they know they shouldn't be doing in the first place. I know this is all normal.

But again, I think we are feeling Brody is best where he feels most secure. For now...

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I can't remember exactly how old Brody is, but I have a 15 month old daughter and she has gotten into kind of a bad habit lately.  She goes to sleep on her own, but wakes up in the night.  Before, I could give her a bottle and she would go back to sleep...in HER bed, but now she wants to sleep with me or my husband when she wakes up in the night.  I know that it's kind of a "bad" habit, but I also know that she won't be little forever.  She is my 5th also and they just seem to get big faster and faster with each one.  So, my husband and I have decided that we are in no hurry.  What was right for previous children may be different for Brody as all children are different.  One or some of your daughters may have just been more independent as babies.  So, do what is right for Brody and not what was right for your girls.  If you feel comfortable with him with you, then just do it.  That's what we have decided also.  Go with your gut.

And peek had very good advice as well.  She's right.

[BabyHardiman]

How do you sleep at night with him in the middle?  I know for myself I do not sleep great with kids in the bed.  Plus I get so frustrated because I want to be close to my fiance' at night, and I can't get to him because we are swamped with kids all around us.  Ava does not sleep in our bed at all, unless she takes a short nap there.  I get annoyed at how he thinks it's perfectly fine for them to sleep in bed but not Ava... his excuse is that it's too dangerous for her to sleep in bed.. but then I read cases like yours where your little guy has slept with you and your fiance' from the start.  I guess it's not too safe when you have LEGS, and ARMS, and whole bodies flying all over the bed at night.. plus the constant kicking of each other because "you're touching me".... urgh.. let me get off of my problems.. sorry!!

But from my problems you can see where it leads.

Does Brody have his own room, or will he share?  Maybe he can be weaned from you by sleeping with a sibling.. then to his big boy bed.  Have you considered that?

[BabyHardiman]

I want to apologize for constantly talking about what I think are co-sleeping problems.  With our situation I think it's different for both of the girls... one just wants to be close to Daddy and the other just doesn't want to sleep in her room alone and feels left out when her sister comes in our room.  I've got to accept this situation and stop complaining about it so much.  

[AndiJ78]

Jen, we struggled with the same thing. My husband wanted his wife back, I wanted to cling to our last "baby" and CJ went along for the ride. As luck would have it, things sort of worked out on their own. I weaned him at 19 mos, soon after he went to sleep in his own room. He goes down easy most nights, after he has had lots of snuggle time with me after the other boys have gone to bed. Then right when John heads out for work (before dawn) he wakes and comes down the hall to my bed to snuggle with me for a few hours before I get up with the other boys.

It is not a perfect system, some nights he wants more time with me. Other nights he wakes in the middle of the night and finds his way into our bed, sandwiching me in between the both of them. Is that all bad? No, I get the best of both worlds for a brief period in my life. We have a morning ritual on the weekends that looks like something out of a cheerios commercial, only minus the cheerios ;-)

I believe that as a parent, you let your heart guide you with a system of checks and balances involving your brain. Rare is it to find a child raised in a truly loving home who turns to a life of crime or drugs. Even rarer would it be to find a child who tells their parents they were "loved too much" as an infant.

Considering his age and what he has experienced in his young life, a few more nights surrounded by loving parents would not be the end of the world. And I feel that you know in your heart what you want and what is best for Brody.

[jenstam]

Andi, at least your husband wanted his wife back! Ben is more of a softy than I am! Not saying he doesn't want me ;) We manage to find plenty of time with each other! It's just that I wake to find Brody wrapped in Ben's arms every morning, sleeping peacefully ;) It is Ben who goes and scoops him from his crib every single night at the sound of his first wimper. I am the one who tries to be more stern and tough and it usually happens when I am exhausted and think to myself that this is insane, we are being ruled by a 14 month old. But, I have to remind myself that it won't always be like this. I have to admit, I could sit and stare at him peacefully sleeping between us for hours. I feel such tremendous love for our son, just as everyone does...his troubles early on have just caused a bit of an attachment issue for all of us, I think.

BH-yes, Brody has his own room. You should hear his reaction when we put him in his crib. It is heartbreaking!! It is like we are abandoning him ): The only two that share a room in our house is Brooke and Alexa, our two youngest girls. They wouldn't have it any other way! I do understand your frustration with the older girls sleeping with you-I would not allow that with mine! They fight over space too much and are old enough to understand they have their own room. However, they do get cuddle time before they go to bed, if they want. I allow them to lay with me for a bit. I have the advantage in this though, because Ben works evenings. So I get that special time with them and then send them off to bed before he gets home. On his nights off they usually know it's not going to fly.

You know...someday this will all be but a memory. I know part of me holds onto my son, the son I always wanted and longed for...and I also see my girls getting bigger and not able to fit into my arms anymore. I think of the days when they will all have their own lives and their own families...we will have a clean house and it will be quiet. I will miss these days so much!

Andi-I'm glad to see you back here ;) You have been missed. I think I am going to need to go get my fix of those cute boys of yours. Any new pictures? They have the greatest, kissable, most squeezable cheeks I have ever seen!

[ma2isiah]

I have similar feeling about raising my two children. As you know from previous posts. I carried my son around most of the time until he was 2. He learned to walk at one, but prefered to be carried. Dd is 14 months and is physically capable of walking, but doesn't yet. She too prefers to be carried and only by me. Both of my kids slept in their cribs by one and were pretty independent going to sleep. But during the day they were/are cling ons. I was telling my husband I wish I had some sort of kangaroo pouch. I don't mind carrying dd all day I just wish it didn't hurt my arm, shoulder, back etc.
The point of my ramblings is that MANY people have told me to put down ds or dd and let them cry or that they are too dependent on me, or I am spoiling them. What these people don't undertand is my kids are different.. high needs as some people would describe. It is hard when  people offer suggestions that you know wouldn't work for your child and the simple truth is if they are even offering certain advice then they have never raised a high needs child. So even though I can' t relate to your night time dilema, I can relate in raising high needs kids. On a positve note, my ds is almost 4 and I feel as though we have met his high needs for physical touch, holding carrying etc and he has turned into one of the most thoughtful caring little boys. He knows how to express his feelings and geniounely cares about the feelings of others. This makes it easier to continue offering the same intense long hours of holding to my dd and feel confident that giving her what she needs to feel secure isn't spoiling, it is simply meeting her needs!

My suggestion to you is to do what feels right to you. I think you know that is snuggling and helping Brody to sleep is what he needs right now. As far as being tired, you are lucky you and Ben seem to be on the same page. So team up and allow each other to have breaks of putting him to bed, sleeping in on weekends etc. I know your life is busier than I can imagine with 5 kids, but you can make it work.

They grow up so fast. As my son goes off to preschool this month I wouldn't take back one second of holding him so my house could have cleaner or  I could have served a better dinner because you dont remember those things. You are the parent you want to be, just TRUST yourself :)

[NANIS77]

Juliana was weaned to her room in her crib at 10 months.She sleeps in sisters room so it was pretty easy but I did start by letting her nap during the day in her crib.Play music really help.We have a big family so noise soothes her.She will NOW point to her crib & say "Go sleep".But for the 1st couple of days(maybe 3) she CIO.For no more than 45 min.She got the idea that crib means sleep..lol.Now that she walks everywhere she gets tired faster & sleeps all night.Juliana NEVER slept with us.Dh sleeps awful & plus Juliana loves her space.I tried once when dh was out of town,I wanted to coddle with my baby,But oh NO Julie hated it!
I know what you mean though Jen,What ever feels right to you & your dh.You are a GREAT mom!

[Flikwerks]

Has Brody in the past slept through the night? We just went through something similarwith our 11month old daughter. She used to sleep through the night in her room but all of a suddes, she only wanted to sleep with us. We had some changes in our life and waited them out but to no avail. Everyone has an opinion on the crying it out method and I agree - it ***** to hear your baby screaming thos blood curdling screams. My husband hated them and would pick our DD up and that would be the end of it. Last Monday she woke up 5 times and finally it becomes about the parents wanting sleep. Anyway, we started sleep training on Tuesday. Our DD fell asleep during her bottle so she was easy to put down. She woke up at 9:30pm screaming. I waited, went in after 7 minutes, told her I loved her and she was ok. She stayed awake for another 15 minutes and then fell back asleep. She woke at 4:15am and I thought YAY. My husband said to leave her until her normal 5am bottle but I did not. I picked her up and yup - she fell right asleep in my arms. I had learned my lesson.

Wednesday night we put her down when she got tired but not asellp. She cried for less than 5 minutes and slept 12 hours - no more 5 am bottle and it has been that way since. I know it can take days and we were prepared.

I think you need to do what is right for you but know that these little kids are very manipulative and test us all of the time. As everyone else said, consistency is the key. It is easy to get off the track as we have done.

Good luck.

[jenstam]

Nope-he has never slept through the night. By "never", I mean, only a handful of times in 14 months. He wakes every night sometime around 3, 4, 5...sometimes earlier, sometimes shortly after he is put down, asleep in his crib. He is then brought into our bed.

Did you read that article I posted? I posted the link. I read that and it really made me think twice about sleep training and CIO method. I am struggling to figure out what to do with his sleep issues! Again, I think for now, he will get what he wants. What he wants is cuddles between Mommy and Daddy and comfort when he cries. How can I deny him that? I can't.

[tiredbuthappy]

i didn't get to read the article you posted, but had a thought...

does it have to be all or nothing? between you 2 or alone in his room? he's used to seeing you, hearing you and feeling you. i would think removing all 3 at once can be very upsetting. what if you start with just removing the feeling you? as in, putting him right next to you in a pack n play. get him used to sleeping in his own space in a playpen before attempting to put him in his own room.

i know many times it all works out (like in andi's case) but i have seen sooo many families where it hasn't. where the 3, 4, and 5 year old is still in their parents room. you have to be careful. will there ever be a time when you're not exhausted and will have the energy to just not give in? will there ever be a time when DH won't be a softy and cave?will there ever be a point in the future when you won't feel guilty leaving him while you work all day and feel the need for extra snuggles at night to try to make up for lost time? (not criticizing or looking to start a debate on that topic- it's just something many of us working moms feel deep inside). as he's gotten older, has he gotten less needy or more needy? if you honestly feel like this arrangement is something that won't last forever and that some of these factors will change, then there's no harm in continuing a little more. otherwise, you may want to work towards change. either way, like you said, you need to make a decision and stick with it. if you decide it needs to change, then i would seriously consider baby steps instead of a sudden, traumatic change. he definitely won't understand why the rules have changed.

[mum2beagain]

Jen what about putting a twin bed in Brody's room if it will fit, maybe one of you could sleep in his room with him, when he wakes just talk softly too him; try shushing him back to sleep from where you are in the bed rather than going to him and picking him up. I did that with Sam after we stopped co sleeping at 10months to help him with the transistion.

[AndiJ78]

CJ was the same way at that age, he rarely slept through the night at that age and was still waking to nurse. One day the switch flipped and he started sleeping through the night and dropped the nighttime feeding.

In the end, I figure it is highly unlikely I will have a teenage boy in my bed ;-) My 6 year old and 4 year old sleep through the night in their own beds and have since they were toddlers. I am doing the exact same thing with CJ as I did with them and I believe it will all work out as well.

[becca_3456]

I just wanted to share what we did for our DD. At 8 1/2 months she was getting up 4 to 5 times a night. She was in our room but not in our bed. At that point I was miserable, tired and cranky. I was at my breaking point with very little sleep. Well one night DH suggested that I put her in her room in her crib. He said "why did we buy her a crib if she is never going to sleep in it?" well that did make sense but I did not want my little baby to hate me for making her sleep in her room or for trying to get her to sleep for more than 3 hours straight at night. So finally I agreed to put her in her bed. The first 3 nights were HARD. The first night she cried for 1 hour with me going in every 5 minutes to let her know that I was still there. She FINALLY fell asleep and I could not help thinking that I was torturing her, all she wanted was her mommy but I made her fall asleep by herself. The next night was a little easier and she only fussed for 30 minutes. The following she only fussed for 10. She learned to self sooth and put herself to sleep. I was so relieved in the morning that she still had a smile for the mean mommy who made her learn to fall asleep alone. She stopped waking up every three hours and she would sleep 10-12 hours straight without waking up. I WAS NOT a fan of CIO and I used to say I would NEVER  let my baby cry itself to sleep but I have to say IT WORKS. She is 13 months old and when I ask her if she is ready for night night she says yeah. I go put her in her bed, she grabs her blankie, puts her thumb in her mouth and she falls right to sleep. She is SOOO much more rested and happier since she now sleeps straight through and she wakes up with a big smile. I know it is so hard to hear them cry but they really dont need us as much as we need them. They would love us to be there every night to cuddle, rock or whatever to get them to sleep but they also can do it themselves if we give them the chance. I am not saying for you to try the CIO method, I am just sharing my experience and wishing you luck to find what works for you.

[Tanker Chic]

With Jacob in the beginning, we would move him into his crib after he was already asleep and that just progressed on its own to me putting him in his crib still awake and him falling a sleep on his own.  Many times I have had to go back in there and put the paci in his mouth and pat him on the back a little, but I never just let him cry.. now I rarely have to go back in there.  Just about every night I put him in his crib awake, he rolls over and looks at the puppy on his bumper pad and is asleep before you know it.  I would expect that your Brody will adjust into a routine, try not to rush it. If he needs to fall asleep with you, that is okay.. just move him into his crib afterwards.. try that for a while and then start trying to put him in the crib awake but drowsy..  if he cries, try soothing him without picking him up if you can.. if not pick him up and hold him a while and once he has settle down, put him back in the crib.. I don't now how old your son is, but Jacob didn't 'start' settling down until 11wks and then it took a while before I could put him in the crib awake.  There were a couple of times, before that, I tried to  "put" him to bed and he just was ready yet and I was putting him down too early... initially they tend to stay up later and then once they start to settle down, there bed time will start to come earlier... I read several books on putting your baby on a schedule, but I really believe it is their own internal clock that does it and you just have to pay attention to what it is telling you.. good luck..

[mlb1234]

Jen-
My belief is to throw out all the books and everything you have read and just go with your gut.   In 20 years, you will never regret a few extra days, weeks or months cuddling with your baby boy but you may regret not doing that if you feel he needs you!!  Peek said it right, be loving, forgive easy and laugh often.  These baby years go way too fast to do anything else!!  Best of luck!

[jenstam]

We do put him in his crib once he's asleep. Then at some point in the night he wakes and comes in with us. What I was referring to initially in my post was that I would love to be able to put him to bed and for him to know it's time to go to sleep. I envy most people who can do that with their baby! 8 pm-bedtime-put in crib-asleep. Nope, can't do that with him. We have tried over and over and it doesn't work. Our nightime routine is bottle, cuddles, more cuddles and usually a few more ounces of milk after he shows he's close to sleepy time. Then, once he drifts off between us or in my arms in our bed, he gets transferred to his crib. I don't even remember what time he woke up last night. Sometime around 3 am I suppose. Ben put him in our bed and he would not go back down so, like most nights, got a few ounces of milk in a bottle to lull him back to sleep. And trust me, we have tried not going and getting him, not giving him the milk, pretty much everything and the end result has usually been giving in to the milk. He goes right back to sleep once he gets it and so do we.

I know it's a vicious cycle and the reason for my post was mainly to say that even after 5 children, I still question myself as a parent. This is my first high needs child and I was not prepared for it! A few more weeks/months of him in our bed at some point in the night I can live with. Once he is 3, 4, 5...that is a whole different story! I'm afraid that is what our story will be though. I do want to break the habit before then. I'm just not sure when will be the magic time to do that. So far, nothing has worked.

Thanks for all of your input and suggestions. I am taking notes (:

[CYW]

I didn't read every post I will admit, however I am going through a similar situation. I have tried EVERYTHING!!! When I say EVERYTHING I mean EVERYTHING... I've tried CIO, I've tried putting him in his crib after falling asleep on me...I have tried Dr Ferber's method, I have tried every suggestion EXCEPT his own big boy bed.. My son is terrified of his crib and playpen...He can self soothe but sometimes he just wants his mommy.. At night he lays in my bed and watches tv or i will lay beside him but he will hum or sing or just make little noises while sucking on his soother and fall asleep..so i am not worried about self soothing.. I have left him cry up to 3 hours...I know bad mom...Just I know now that my son no longer likes his bed...I know he is terrified...but anyways it all comes down to doing what you feel is best for your child, as a parent..Every children are different as well as every parents. Personally...my child's needs come first and if that means my child cannot sleep in his crib then so be it...my needs come last..Yes I would like to have a bed all to myself...BUT by letting my child cry in fear for numberous amounts of time aren't meeting his needs and in the end it doesn't meet my needs...TO SLEEP at night...

Right now your Brady is just a baby still.. when it comes to 3...then thats different...it will come you will see I am sure....if you feel that love and nurture is the best for your child than who is anyone to judge...afterall he is your child no?

[jenstam]

CYW, this is kind of the page I am on now. When Brody is in our bed and trying to soothe himself he does the same thing. He actually sings himself to sleep some nights, it's so cute! He rolls his head around, tosses and turns, etc, etc...but I think the thing that is the key to the puzzle is that I am right next to him, or Dad is, or both. He will also sleep if one of his sisters lays down with him but he NEEDS that body next to him or he seems terrified! He does not prefer to be alone, he loves his family. He's not an independent little boy. That is who Brody is and so I agree that as his parent I put his needs first. I consider his personality and parent him accordingly. It's not the easiest thing and it's definitely not the most convenient.