Why is everyone making me feel like I'm a horrible mother for choosing not to breast feed? OPEN

It's really pissing me off. Sorry but I have to vent a little.  YES I understand the benefits!  I could probably repeat them verbatim as been told to me.  I think it's great that woman breastfeed! And thats genuine, i'm not being sarcastic.  But why am I frownded upon because I choose not to breastfeed my child?

My bf's mother is always asking me and then asking me WHY I choose not to.  Not her business if you ask me. So she starts putting ideas into her sons head and he starts questioning me.  I know it's her because, he wouldnt have even thought twice about it, quite honestly.
I have my reasons that are personal (from childhood) and that, I dont go into, not even with my BF. And I dont think I should have to go into it.  Maybe I'm being very selfish but I still think I'll be a great mom with out breastfeeding.
I was never breast fed, nor was my brother and I think we're perfectly happy, normal and bonded with our mother. My intentions arent to start controversy, but I just dont understand why she (and others) cant just respect my decision.

[rubyolivia]

Don't let anyone judge you!!!  I plan to nurse....mainly to save money and (selfish as this is) to help get the weight off! My best friend never even gave nursing a thought at all and her kids are perfectly bonded with her! Her son (who's 1) can barely be without her! They are completely healthy and happy kids!! Her daughter had ear infection issues when she was really little, but that was the only problem either one of the kids have had health wise. My sister in law nursed for 9 months and her kid never slept and had ear infections not stop.  I am sure the studies are correct.....but who cares? You aren't doing your baby an injustice by feeding him/her formula!!! (It's not like you are putting margaritas in the damn bottle lol)

Did you find out the baby's sex? Just wondered, as I assume you have had a milliion ultrasounds with your surgery! Sorry if you already posted the baby's sex and I missed it......I'm not so observant! lol

[rubyolivia]

scratch the surgery comment....lol........forgot who I was posting to for a second! But did you find out the sex? lol

[keepingfaith]

I say, it's your baby, your body.  You do whatever feels natural to YOU and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.  My mom chose not to breastfeed me or my brother.  We turned out just fine.  We were happy healthy kids!  I adore my mother and we are best friends...always have been.  Do what is right for you!  You can't keep them from talking, but you can choose to ignore! ;-)

[boosty]

i agree with everyone that its your choice and you shouldnt let ANYONE butt in. they dont have the right to tell you how to raise your child. noone who they are. if everyone did the same thing, it wouldnt be right. but some people may tell you to breast feed not only because of bonding wth your child, because you can do that anyway without breast feeding. but they tell you to do it because its healthier i think for the baby. but that may not be true. but i know for a fact that the fluid your breasts produce the first two weeks is cruicial to your child. becuase what it is isnt milk. our bodies are able to fight germs but babies dont have that so the fluid that is produced the first two weeks is what they need to fight off these germs . it isnt milk. it helps them get sick less. anyway, what i am trying to say is that do what you want and dont mind anyone else. your baby can bond with you simply by you holding him or her. dont worry sweetie and do what you feel is more comfortbale. its your choice. not everyone breast feeds. i was able to do it for two months. .

[Me2mommy2b]

your decision of whether or not you will breastfeed in no way reflects on what kind of a mother you'll be.  There are other ways to bond with the baby so tell your mil to back off (trust me, I wish I could tell mine).  

[Tamara551]

It's your decision.  I would second guess it.  You can be just as good of a mother as the one who breastfeeds.  I was unable to breastfeed my oldest daughter due to medical problems she had, my son hated it and would not take it and the with the baby now I was able to feed for about 4 weeks then my milk dried up.  Personal it is a lot easier to bottle feed because others can help you and you can feed anywhere.  I think I bonded with my babies just fine. I wouldn't worry about it.  As long and you love and care for your child you will be just as good of a mom as the one who breastfeeds.

[deanne11]

The point is it is a total 'personal' decision.  That is the bottom line....if you are comfortable with your decision than it really shouldn't matter which makes me ask.....

Are you 100% certain you are comfortable with your decision not to?

I did and my best friend didn't.....didn't make me think of her any less for being a mom....she was a mom 6 yrs before me....I still go to her with advice questions.

If it's not a physical thing from your childhood and it's more emotional maybe you can talk to someone about it just to get peace in your heart about your decision not too.

It's hard not to have bf support so I understand your concerns.....

[taysmommy]

i agree its a personal decision, but we do live in a judgemental world today, and there is really nothing you can do to stop others from judging you, sucks but its true, you sound very set in your decision, so you need to stand your ground and let people know that you WILL be a good mom, i wasnt breastfeed as a baby either, and i think i have the best mom in the world;)

ps. i breastfeed for a year, my mother in law looks down upon me(at least thats what i get from her comments) because i didnt make it to 2 years, so it happins to everyone,

[newbie2b]

I have faith that I will be a good mother. But I hate that she (his mom) is seeing it as such a negative thing.  Like I wont be as good or a mother as she is or as her daughter (his sister) is because I'm not. She even tries to throw the vanity part in to entice me to do it. She says, "it'll make your stomach smaller, faster". Which I've heard was true but, c'mon I've made my choice.  Stop asking me.
Now my bf thinks i'm selfish.  

[Mozartcowgirl]

Im angry at my mother for not breast feeding me .. i was early.. and would have have been better off... that being said..  I asked my mother why she chose not to breast feed me.. her answer was.. well. it was 1970.. we just didnt do that sort of thing.. it was frowned upon. I think she was also very  afraid of her breasts becoming " less attractive"

My mother didnt breastfeed because others didnt do it.. it wasnt a personal decision..

you have a good reason.... perhaps something happened in your childhood that makes you not want too.. NO ONE should EVER judge you for that.. EVER.  

I get upset with my dh's family members frowning on my breastfeeding.. its not like I am throwing my boob out and asking all to watch .. i use a blanket.. but have on several occasions have seen his dad shaking his head...

I would have a really hard time getting along with my mother in law if she constantly created turmoil about why/why not to breastfeed.. its none of her business..!!!

are you totally against even pumping?  

while breast is best.. it is not the only way to go.. there are many bottle fed formula babies that are happy and healthy. .. sometimes.. even breastfed babies cannot breastfeed!!  what would your mother in law think if the baby was allergic to your milk? that does happpen!!  

i wish you luck... just try and ignore your mother in law.. she should not judge you at all.. you stated you have a good reason... thats all she needs to know.. period.  

[RockRose]

Newbie,  when your baby comes,  you will have to justify many things you choose.  Whether you choose to allow the child a pacifier,  whether you use disposable or cloth diapers,  do you allow them to set their own schedule or put them on a "schedule".  Do you give them lots of gender specific toys,  or only offer gender-neutral toys.  TV or no TV?    Lot of interaction with kids of all ages?    Use a baby walker or no?  On and on.  You will have to think out all these decisions and be able to say sincerely I've considered the choices and I've chosen the best for my baby.

What you are saying here is,  I know this is second best but I have some kind of hang up about my breasts from my childhood so I'm choosing second best.  

Do you see how that invites a lot further comment and coercion?    Your boyfriend probably is suspecting your motives a little,  actually.    Which is different from hispanic men,  who think their woman's breasts are their sex objects and they often get very miffed at sharing them with the babies.

Get used to this,  there's a lot more coming.

[lovefamily]

It's your body and you have to do what is comfortable for you.  My sister was always very uncomfortable with her breast.  She wanted to breastfeed because she knew it was best for her baby.  She tried but it just never worked out, she would just sit and cry, get so stressed her milk wouldn't let down and the baby would cry.  It was a mess.  So she started formula and she was a lot happier though the formula didn't agree with the baby and he got colic.  It took awhile to find something that he could handle.  

The only other thing you could do if you wanted your baby to have the colostrum and your milk is to pump in privacy and feed it in a bottle.  That way you and your BF are getting your way.  The baby is getting breastmilk, but the baby is also getting it in a bottle.

Best of luck to you with your decision.

[have 2 kids]

Do your best to ignore her.  I tried to bf my son cause I was told that was best.
Turns out he had a severe reaction to my milk. (This is very rare) So in our case "breast was not best"
No one should judge you even if you just plain don't want to do it.

[JamieLee_cherokeemommy]

I actually had the opposite reaction, everyone is asking me why am I going to try breastfeeding. Nobody I know did it so they think anything that is strange to them must not be in the best intrest of the child. They keep on telling me
"well I used formula and my baby was healthy, why weigh yourself down with that responsibility when you can just feed the baby formula". The "lazy" response I call it, what inconsiderate and rude people :)  The only people that should be involved in that personal decision are you,the father,your doctor and eventually your child. Good luck and don't let rude people get you down!

[LuvBeingAMommy22]

Hey! Dont let it get to you.. I think breastfeeding is a personal desition that you make.. When I was pregnant with my DS my mother in law ALWAYS ask are you going to breastfeed its the best thing you could ever do...BLA BLA BLA and she would say this stuff EVERYTIME I saw her... GRRR... ha ha Well let me just say I made the desition NOT to breastfeed.. And trust me many people dissagreed.. My son is now 15 1/2 mo. old and VERY healthy.. Now I am 7 1/2 weeks prego and I am choosing NOT to brestfeed for this one too. I know it is so hard because so many people dont agree but you are the one that is going to do it and if your having the baby its no one elses say.. Hang in there and just try and blow it off... Good Luck and Keep your head up :)

[girlybuff]

It's totally your choice!!!  I had the opposie situation with my DH's family.  They couldn't understand why I wanted to breast feed and either did he really until I started and now they're all coverted BUT I had to explain myself as to why I wanted to over and over.  I was breast fed, my mother was a flower child so she encouraged me to do it.  My MIL was not.... she was from the old Irish school where you go out for beers the day after you give birth LOL.  (kidding but not really).
Just do what you want to do.
By the way, I think women are our own worst enemies.  I was at a bridal shower and was nursing my DD with a blanket over me in a corner of the room so I wasn't completely exposed and wouldn't you know I got TONS of looks from WOMEN!!  Someone even said to me "How can you do that here?"  WHAT?????
So ignore all negative comments!
Good luck!

[GNicole]

That is your own personal decision and you should not feel bad about it. Everyone else should mind their own business.  That is your decision not theirs! How are you feeling otherwise? I am so swollen the last two days-my feet are so swollen soon I won't be able to wear shoes. I wear flip-flops at home but I can't wear them to work. :(

[cantwait4baby]

you will be a great mother and try not to let her get to you.  Everyone keeps asking me and I was planning on trying although I thought it was unfair to the baby that I would stop when I returned to work.  I was only going to do it for 12 weeks.  My work does not have private bathrooms and to fit pumping into my already hectic life just would not have cut it.  My plan is to spend every second with my baby when he/she is awake and I am home from work - I dont want to be cleaning pumping equipment, etc.  Anyway, that was even frowned upon on me.  Most people that say stuff like that dont have to work and or just have all their time to spend with their babies, husbands and home where as I have to work and still maintain a home, boyfriend and soon to be baby.

Anyway - off the subject I went - Now I am venting.  Turned out my heart meds that they will start to take me off of after delivery cannot be done while nursing so I cant nurse anyway.  So many people ask me so I know you are getting it too.  Just simply tell them without any explaination that you chose not for nurse.  End of story.

[myproblem]

It really doesn't matter what you choose. Someone will be there to give you a hard time. I've gotten more dirty looks for breastfeeding (discreetly) in public. I'm sure you'll get less dirty looks feeding from a bottle. Talk to her and tell her that she is hurting your feelings. Ask her to please stop bringing it up. If she won't respect you after that, then you have a right to tell her more bluntly to butt out.

[myproblem]

It really doesn't matter what you choose. Someone will be there to give you a hard time. I've gotten more dirty looks for breastfeeding (discreetly) in public. I'm sure you'll get less dirty looks feeding from a bottle. Talk to her and tell her that she is hurting your feelings. Ask her to please stop bringing it up. If she won't respect you after that, then you have a right to tell her more bluntly to butt out.

[myproblem]

It really doesn't matter what you choose. Someone will be there to give you a hard time. I've gotten more dirty looks for breastfeeding (discreetly) in public. I'm sure you'll get less dirty looks feeding from a bottle. Talk to her and tell her that she is hurting your feelings. Ask her to please stop bringing it up. If she won't respect you after that, then you have a right to tell her more bluntly to butt out.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Just firmly state : "I have discussed this with the doctor and we both agree that this is best for me."

That way the doc gets the blame.

I am a huge proponent of bf, however, I do believe that it is not for everyone.  I personally found it easier than bottles as I am lazy and hated the cleaning, mixing, sterilizing, etc.  However, I completely understand that other women fine bottles easier and more comfortable.

I also had folks make rude comments, like telling me I should go to the bathroom in the mall to nurse.  I said, "Only if you will eat your lunch while sitting on the toilet as well."  I always tried to be modest, but for goodness sake, women walk around dressed in skimpy clothes and no one says boo, but a women who is nursing discretely is inappropriate!!

Do what you are comfortable with.  I am not sure of your situation, maybe you have to return to work or school early.  I don't know.  All I do know is that being a first time mum is stressful enough, don't let other folks make you feel guilty about decisions you make.

[Tia Lucila]

I am sorry you are going through this.  Your decision is very personal.  Unfortunately, it seems that everybody has an opinion about how others should raise their children.  One of my acquaintances told me the other day that women who can't take all the suggestions and criticisms shouldn't be mothers.  I considered this statement really harsh, but sometimes it feels like it's a reality.  If I told everybody about the decisions my DH and I have made concerning our baby I would always be angry about their comments.  For instance, the baby, just like his mom, is going to have my maiden name.  I know that will upset a lot of people.  A lot of times I just don't tell anybody about these decisions because I just don't want to hear it.  I know that I am considering all of the pertinent information and I know that I am acting in a rational manner and that is good enough for me.  You know in your heart and mind if you are considering all pertinent information and if you are being rational.  That is all you need.    

[newbie2b]

Thank you also for responding to my post.  It's true what one of the posters said about women being our own worst enemy sometimes. Very sad but true.

How are you ladies feeling? We're so close huh?  It's amazing how fast it flew by.  Things have been pretty hectic lately as I'm sure you can agree with.  I have lots of last minute things to do that, I feel like it'll never get done. Baby's clothes are washed so that's out of the way.
Bf is freaking out because its suddenly "hitting Him" lol. I think it's kinda funny/cute.  Like um, did you think she was going to stay in there forever?
We also got a lead for an apartment and it's going to be a big step for us to move but, we have to do whats right for our little family.  It's a lot more rent but, if it's a lot bigger, it may be worth it.  Also, it's in a nice, family oriented neighborhood.  We're gonna check it out soon.

My feet started swelling yesterday. I thought it was because it was so hot yesterday but, there still swollen.  I'm surprised it took so long to start swelling actually. Guess I'm getting close to delivery.
Gnicole, have you been to the dr's?  Any update on our big-little girl? :)  
Cantwait, hows the back doing?  Chiropracter really helping you huh?

[deanne11]

DO NOT LET YOUR MIL MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

I'm sorry that she is making you feel that way....you are going to be a wonderful mother....I know it in my heart of hearts.

Breastfeeding does not make you mother of the year....not even close.

My mom never breastfed me, didn't matter one bit....heck who even remembers that far back anyone.

Have you decided on a formula?  I like Enfamil and that was what my pediatrician suggested to.....although I hear great things about all of them nowadays.

[cantwait4baby]

Hey, My back is much better with the help of the chiropractor.  The baby must be really big - I go to the doctor tomorrow but it is the one that I am not that crazy about.  There are 3 and you see them all.  They are all nice but he is a little rough so I dont even want to tell him anything because I dont want an exam by him.  My biggest problem now is the Bowl Movements again :(  And there is no way he is looking there and I read in that book "Belly Laughs" that they will and it was hysterical while I read what happened to her I would rather suffer.  haha

Sounds like you are doing good.  We are all getting to the end and it seems like we are all ready to go early. haha  I had 3 friends and 1 co-worker all have their babies the past two days and all 4 were early.  Healthy but early.  One is having problems but they knew it during the pregnancy - but he is fighting hard to survive.

I thinkt he swelling is related to the heat along with the weight.  Mine comes and goes - poor gnicole she prob is really swollen with the heat.

5 more weeks girls.  :)

[gembo26]

never breast fed my son and he is fine. not sure what 2 do with this baby when she arrives. 1 big benifit from not breast feeding my son is that his father could help with feeding and its helped them 2 b very close,proper little daddys boy.

[newbie2b]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their feedback.  I'm a little amazed at the response, to tell you the truth.  I guess it's true what they say, Your damned if you do, your damned if you dont.  I do believe that breast feeding is natural and beautiful and I would never EVER judge a women for doing it whenever, whereever.  It's unfair. And it's unfair that a women trying to feed her child gets judge also.  Cant win either way. But I'm glad that everyone shared their stories with me. It made me feel a whole lot better.  
It's just not for me/us.

[Me2mommy2b]

I hope you get this.  I got this email this morning and since I"m not expecting, I figured you could use it.  It could be fun :)

Expectant Moms Dinner
Tuesday, April 10th

Featuring Samantha Ettus, author
The Experts' Guide to the Baby Years: 100 Things Every Parent Should Know



Are you expecting within the next 9 months?

Meet other expectant moms who are due the same time as you!

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When: Tuesday, April 10th
Time: 6:30PM - 8:30PM
Cost: $60  
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