after twin children death my behaviour changed

sorry for very long post.but if anyone helps me i feel great. i lost my twin baby boys before two months.but due to my fate didnt see them. even i hav no photos also.now wenever i c small babies or pregnant women i feel crying. i feel guilt that i m responsible for their preterm birth. i cant come out of that thinking even though i didnt do any mistake. most of the time i m thinking of succide. but i hav no courage to do that also. i m not in situation to get counselling also.if god asks my soul instead of my children i m ready to give but everything happen in few hours.now i m having empty stomach i cant hear any heart beat or feel any movements. till 7 months they stayed in my stomach. gave all joys and dreams but suddenly one day they left me. i feel only darkness around me. since parents ,husband,friends and relations are soft nature i couldnt show out my emotions. why it happen to me? i didnt do any bad things to anyone. please pray, for god to take me and give me  peace to my soul.

[saya14]

continuation of above post
now a days i dont hav intrest in talking to anyone. before their birth if my hubby didnt cal since he lives out of my country i wil start crying but now if he didnt cal or pick up my cal also i m not getting any feeling and i m just leaving. this is very  strange behaviour of me as i love him very much and he too thinks me as his life

[melimeli]

I am so sorry for your pain... many many of us on here have lost our angels before we got to hold them.  I lost a baby and she lives in my heart everyday.  There is nothing I can say to ease your pain, it does hurt so very much but know that your angels are watching you from heaven and they don't want to see their mommy sad.  They want you to be happy and to remember how they warmed your belly and your heart in the short time you had them with you even if they were inside you, you are their mommy and always will be.  They don't want to feel like they made you sad so please try to remember the happiness you felt with them so that they can see their mommy happy and I am sure they are up there right now taking care of their brother or sister that they will soon send down to you and put inside of your bellly so that you can hold a part of them with you.  Please honey don't think about taking your life, they want to see their mommy live and be strong.  They want to see you have a happy life and if you take it you will never get to see them.  Stay strong and know that you will hold a baby in your arms and your angels in your heart.  We have been through it and I know it is so so hard.  Try to talk about it with someone who understands and has been there...  it does get easier with time..

[waitingwithhope]

I am very sorry for your loss! I think the emotions you are experiencing are totally normal and part of a grieving process. Sometimes things just don't make sense in life and you need to not feel guilty that you did something wrong. I will pray for you and I hope too that you are able to get some help from someone you can confide in and talk to. If you want to send me a message, I can send you a website where you can post a prayer request & have others pray for you (you can post anonymously) if you are interested in that (I noted you asked for prayer).

[peekawho]

I am also so sorry for your losses.   The loss of one baby, let alone two, is so heartrending and tragic.  I am truly so very sorry, and I know you must be in pain.

While your emotions and grief are normal and to be expected, if you are considering suicide "most of the time", you need URGENT counseling and help, right away.  I know you said you are not in a position to receive counseling--can you tell me why?  Is it due to where you live?  

If no counseling help is available immediately, you must see your doctor.  You are in a severe depression, and there are medications that can help with this.  They will not take away your sadness or your memories of your babies, but they may lift the overwhelming grief and take away the thoughts of suicide.

What you are experiencing is an emergency, as urgent and pressing as any physically life-threatening illness.  You MUST see someone right away, to get help.

Please get help, my dear.  Our thoughts here are with you.  

[Me2mommy2b]

Hugs and prayers your way.  

[waitingwithhope]

Oh and I agree with peek too, you need to see a medical professional and get help right away for your depression and suicidal thoughts....Medication can really help as can grief counseling--are you able to find anyone in your area that will do it for free (such as a local priest/pastor?) I think the combination of medication and talking to someone will really help you.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

You need to check into grief counseling along with what the others said about getting help for depression.  Losing a child is hard.  We lost are first son.  I was full term and went into labor only to find out he would be still born due to cord strangulation.  It's a long, difficult road, but I found that the more I talked about it the easier it became to handle and come to terms with.  I also wrote poems.  I, too, went through the "what ifs".   What if i'd gone to the hospital when I FIRST started having contractions...I blamed myself for a long time, but I finally came to realize that for whatever reason it was meant to happen and nothing I said or did could have changed that.  I did NOTHING wrong.  I have since had 3 more beautiful healthy children.