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confused and i dont know what to do anymore...:s
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confused and i dont know what to do anymore...:s

i guess i just need to vent n u ladies must be so sick and tired about hearing my problems but ever since i  found this site, you all have been so nice n sometimes i dont know what id do without you...

you are all such wonderful women each and every one of you....

so as you know i have a 13 week old son...we were sooo excited for this little bundle of joy to arrive..bf was awesome before and the first week after he was born then it all changed...i mean he helped with bills, helped me alot with stuff..esp first week out the hospital...

so anyways through this time he lost his job twice once for false pretences so he got another jobn then he got laid off...im on assistance until i go back to school..im the one that does everything..i take care of our child..i pay for him etc...we dont live together as of yet because im on assistance he has a new job but in 13 weeks has not bought our son anything..formula diapers etc...he just comes around to see him...

we dont spend much time together because on hisdays off he spends them running around with his mom rather than be with his family...

anyways his mother controls all of his money etc...making it that his son doesnt get anything
im very confused..he wants to live here but he cannot support us...and i cant risk of being reported..he stays here twice in the week which is okay and is here in the day between school and work to spend time with his son...anyways...he is always on my back to go to work when i cant get ds in a daycare that is subsidized so i would have to pay 40$ a day thats 800$ a month and i would make like 900-1100 clear to myself then plus rents and all that...mind you here in canada we get 300and some dollard for child care benefit which is good but still it doesnt help...not working on assistance i get 900 plus that 300 some dollar and i barely make it...hence the going to work andpaying full childcare..i cannot wait to be done school and have ds in a daycare etc...

so anyways i am just fed up with everything he is acting imature..not picking up after himself...controlling what i do...making me feel guilty for goinf to my parents for a week etc...just everything and then he wonders why i cry and why i feel like im at the end of my rope sometimes..i feel as though i dont get the love and support i truly need and because of all this it is leaving me wondering if i really do still love him...i know i do but is it just because of our son or not??? i really want him to be a father and step up to the plate..i mean its good he is in his childs life unlike his father but jeez...

he leaves pennies around and i fear when our ds begins to crawl i might miss one to pick up and he will choke on it...it scares me ever so much...one cannot do everything like this...

this all brings me to my main confusion...my father is plannin on buying me a car...hence eliminate the control he knows he has over me because i cannot really go anywhere or do anything due to the snow and fear of falling down the stairs etc...also my dad and i talked tonight and he is getting really fed up with all of this..not because i have told him anything but because he knows that his little girl is hurting...he sees it and i dont have to tell him...hed love to have me move back home which is 45 minutes away...i would absolutely love that..since the only thing keeping me here is my bf...i dont know what to do but i think by taking a week off, things might come to me and let me think right..i am soo scared...scared that i will realize i dont love him the way i thought i did...i dont know anymore...i just dont...it hurts me to even think this way...i fear that his mother might of been right about the fact that i would be hurting her son but i feel like she has been pushing us apart soo much..with her speeches to me and her ignorance and being rude and ugh just everything...

i dont want to leave ds alone with her and thats another thing i fear if i would leave the bf, he would have visitation rights and i would go absolutl;y balistic...sometimes i feel like telling him our son really isnt his son...i feel soo horrible...

after the fact of wanting to go to my family's side he freaks on me about us being french and how he is going to feel left out and blah blah and makes fun of us and all..and its like my family has never treated you that horribly why do you act this way??? he has never acted that way before until the past 12 weeks and i dont know why...everytime i try and talk to him he gets angry and feels the need to lose his temper on me...i cant take it anymore...i feel like i am a prisoner in my own life and it just aint fun anymore...

and another thing because i am going to my mom and dad's he keeps claiming i am ditching him...i need my mom more than ever and he keeps refering to the fact that his mom is closer and can help...but i dont want his moms help i want my mom...then he says that since i am taking our son away from him, he is going to take him away from me for a week...why is he doing this to me????

then on top of that his moms always asking when am i going to leave my ds with her overnight...i think to myself never..i dont even leave him with my mom because im not ready and i dont want to....they as in bf and his mom are so in a rush to take him away from me...why???

i truly fear that one day i will no longer have my little baby anymore....

thanks
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19 Comments Post a Comment
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259022_tn?1212636506
First of all, I think your little boy is way to young to leave overnight with Grandma.  I think going to your parents house for a week is a good idea, it'll give both of you time to think.  Your bf sounds pretty immature, he needs to grow up, stop letting his mom run his life, and be a father.  Why don't you sit down with him and tell him how you feel about everything.  Then maybe go live with your parents, and give him a little while to get and keep a job, get some independence, and if you guys still want to be together, move back and get an apartment or something together.  Good luck with everything.
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Avatar_f_tn
in my opinion, most men our either scared or jealous of their first child--he seems jealous, you need to be with the baby more then the bf, and he dont like it.  maybe you could find some time for just the 2 of you to talk it out, and see if hes willing to share you with the baby.
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172826_tn?1292440112
ive tried sitting down with him...being nice..being rude...none of it has got me anywhere...he says i cannot control what he does...but yet his mom can...he doesnt take care of our son as in giving hima  bottle, getting up with him in the middle of the night, name it...he doesnt do anything...im just soo fed up with it and i dont even know where everything went wrong...cuz it never used to be this way...btw thank you soo much...about me moving to my parents he has been threatning to take him away from me...he even has this whole plan...im soo ashamed to even stay with him and he can tell im not happy with him anymore...that things are different...im at the end and i cant handle it and i think thats all he wants...he has made it clear that he would put drugs in my apt and make sure i either had some in my juice or whatever could dilute such as cocaine so that if he would go for full custody he would bring up that i do drugs which omg i dont...its not my cup of tea its one of my biggest bias' and i could argue over it over and over again...i dont even want to associate with people who do drugs...but yet he would have them search my place and find some i suppose and then test me and if he had put some in my food or drink or whatever i would test positive...im sooo scared and i dont know where it all went wrong...
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172826_tn?1292440112
jealousy..good...id love to think that because it would make so much sense but i put aside alot of time for us and still its never good enough...
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259022_tn?1212636506
If that is the case, then you need to just leave him.  Your son does not need to be around someone who would do that.  Get your stuff together one night, and go home to your parents.
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Avatar_f_tn
hmmm.....you definitely need to leave, but i dont think the skip and run thing would work.   as for him planting drugs, you dont have a history, it doesnt matter, cops are smart, they  know.  if he wants to play games, play back.  he knows that hes hurting you, dont let it show, be strong---maybe hell back down some if he doesnt think hes winning.
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136689_tn?1333573136
if your not happy, then i would leave, my partner has flipped out over our ds who was born 9 weeks ago, but would never steep that low to plant drugs i think it would be for your sake and ur little boy to move back with ur parents at least you have there support and they can help you out it seems you would be a lot happier there than where you are, plus this thing with grandma, wanting to have ds stay over that's just crazy it wouldn't be practical plus if u are breastfeeding it just wouldn't happen, i freak out leaving my ds with his dad and he has 4 other children just for 1 hr when i go to work but i think my dh has a bit of post natal depression but seems to be getting better and better anyway u will make the right decision for yourself
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171768_tn?1324233699
what you are describing is rapidly turning into emotional abuse. the rate at which things are changing is scaring me, because who knows where it will go next. he has no right to threaten you in that manner and you need to make sure you document it in some way because this is not a healthy relationship, and it most likely will not continue. please speak to someone about this- preferrably your parents, if not them a friend or something. you need to get help and a support system in place. i know money is tight for you right now, but it sounds to me like you should consult a lawyer. maybe your parents can help? it sounds like they are concerned about you...

while reading the first half of your story, i was thinking of simply saying a week apart will be good. at first it sounded as if he were ashamed of not being able to provide for his family and that was why he was being a jerk. it was the rest of your story that scared me. you do not belong with him. you deserve better. and of course your son deserves better. i know you worry about visitation if you separate, but it's a much better option than having your son grow up in a home with a strained, unhealthy relationship. establish visitation rights through the court system- not on your own. that way it will have to be enforced.

by the way, i agree that your baby is way too young to be away from mommy. dd is 5 months, and has never even slept in a different room from me. i love and trust my mother, but i feel like my baby should be with me for now. she has no right to ask you to let him sleep over yet.
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300926_tn?1253586116
It sounds like your bf is very immature and depends on his mother way too much.  He has to realize that he's a man now more than ever.  He has to take responsibility for his child.  You have to be stern with him and let him know what you need.  Don't bend for him.  Your child has needs and you shouldn't be the only providing them.  If it will make things easier for you go back home to your parents.  If he wants to see his child a 45 min. drive will be nothing.  Your basically doing this by yourself so do what's going to make things easier on you.

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172826_tn?1292440112
i agree with all of you he needs to grow up...threatning me isnt the way to go because he can only get himself in trouble with his games and threats and all...would he really do it..sometimes i dont know..sometimes i want to leave and other times i second doubt everything he is awesome with his son but our relationship has greatly deteriorated because a-his mother and b-himself...sometimes i wonder if his mother is the one telling him these things...cuz in the time we've been together he had never been that way:S i dont know what to think anymore...she's a horrible witch and i wouldn't put it past her...i mean jeez i was in labour and hard labour and she had a happy grin on her face just starring at me, asked me in a rude way like good for you type of thing...are you having fun...my god how mean can you be???she is psychotic and she would love to have me out of her life...its obvious...she is always saying if i dont want to hear what she has to say then when my bf goes to his mom's once a week i should just stay home..well like i said i dont trust her and im not leaving my son with her...

i dont show weakness anymore because incase its what his mother and him want to see...we have sat down and talked a bit yesterday and he has claimed he would never take our son away from me, he couldnt bare it because i am the best thing for our son...he claims he doesnt want to be without me because he couldnt handle that either...so i told him that he has a week to get his act in gear and his thoughts and begin to stop trying to threaten me...its not right and i know it and i am sure he does too...i have spoke to a friend about it and she has said too many people know me, know how i am and he would never be able to take my son away especially not on drug related charges...my dads already talking if i leave him that he will pay the laywer and all that lovely stuff...he is so mad that im on assistance because when i was born him and my mom had a hard time financially and never have they gone on assistance...so he doesnt understand how he cannot take care of us because hes comparing himself...but maybe my father was a better man??? i dont know know...in a way i would love to go home but ugh my dad has began drinking about 4 yrs ago when his sister found out she had cancer and he has gotten worse in the past 2 years once she died march 2006...ive tried telling him drinking isnt the solution and sometimes i think im just better off on my own  here because i dont want cameron to be in that type of environment...if he goes a day without drinking he is horrible to everyone around him and i mean getting out from one home to another when things could be worse would just not help at all...im in a difficult predicament...he drinks a 24 of beer a night and is drunk everynight...he doesnt want the help and is convinced hes going to die soon because of his alcoholism-which is true...he is so proud he has a grandson but wouldnt stop drinking if his life depended on it...

so either way its totally confusing...being a child and youth worker has brought out the weak in me because i didnt want to be mean to those kids but...i need to work on myself and start getting my backbone again for me and my son...so that no one, not my bf nor his mother can just step all over me...as horriblke as it sounds...like i said i know i love the bf but is it because of our son or not...once i get away for a week i think it will shine through a bit and then it can give me a better understanding of what it is...if the result comes that i do have more feelings than just sharing a son then i think i am going to talk to him about all this stress and abuse he has been putting me under because its not fair...i am done being a puppet for him and his mother to enjoy...

its nice that i have you lovely ladies to talk to about all of this...thank you so much...i will definately keep you all updated
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Avatar_f_tn
Imagine your son or daughter going through what you are going through with your BF.  What would your advice be for them?
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172826_tn?1292440112
the answer to that question is that i would just want to protect my child as well as their child if the tables were turned so i understand my father's reaCTION because im his little girl.. im an only child..my mom miscarried at 13 weeks no reason but she said she had a titled uterus...so i said some women have had difficulties etc..anyways as ive mentioned ive talked to him about how serious his games are becoming and how serious i am taking them even though he claims he doesnt mean any of it..ive made it clear to him that i am sick and tired of the immaturity and lack of parenting he has been providing..okay its one thing to get on your feet but if our son needs something theres always something more important...i have no asked my parents for anything since ds has been born i manage...i dont even buy myself anything because i fear my ds might need something and i wont have enough...i too have bills thats life but my ds comes before the bills..if the bills would have to wait then they would..thats just too bad and if i had to starve myself i would just to make sure my son had enough...i was raised that way and thats how i am raising my son...i think getting away for a bit is going to be good for all of us...and im not leaving my baby behind..i worked hard for him...lol it hurt lol...i just hope and maybe its just wishful thinking that when we get back ds's father just realizes how much he appreciates me and loves me and our son...and that maybe he can begin to make steps to changing his attitude and childish behaviour? but as i said i think it might just be wishful thinking...
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178188_tn?1207883468
CYW.. hey hun... sorry i haven't talked to you in awhile... got caught up in my own baby :(

So i think i know abit more about your situationthan just this post... and about your bf (from msn talks) so i have to say this... but first... other ladies pls understand that i'm just saying it how it is from what she has told me... and what I Feel i would do...

CYW... this is strictly MY opinion... what you can live with and what will make YOu happy is what you should truly do.... so here it is...


he's an ***. I'm sorry. but a few obvious and not so obvious things say so.. i wont put it here cause i think it was told to me in private for a reason. He's been claimning to stand up to his mom adn live with you for what... 6 months now! he's NOT gonna do it... As for him taking care of cameron... you shouldn't and CANT tell him when and how to do it... if he's not gonna do it on his own... chances are he's just Not gonna... if you have teh support, space and freedom i say pack and RUN to you parents. i know how happy you would be there, your parents would SO excited. and i think Cameron would be better off. he can tell you are upset and stressed. think of how much happier you was at home... from what i remember you was really close to your parents... maybe i'm totally off... if anything i think the distance will smarten him up abit... cause he will have to COME to you and really focus on his son... and gets you away from that naggy horrible woman he calls him mother.... i dont know how you have standed this long her... i know what she has said and done to you!!! what kind of a man is he that he can't stand up and say respect my baby mother... but i guess this is me going too far and i need to back off. i'm not there so i can't say for sure what i would do... but it's how i feel...

sorry if i upset you... or th other readers... and i may VERY well be completely wrong...
but isn't the point of being a mother what is best for our babies? and isn't a mature, unselfish support system what she needs and what Cameron needs!!?!??!!

now that i probably crossed a line i'm sure people will start getting upset with me... again CYW this is just my thoughts....
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178188_tn?1207883468
oh an extra note... i have a friend fighting for his child right now and he gets her 4 hors a day 2 days a week and he has to drive 2 hours to get her... so i wouldn't stress about him getting Cameron.... it's really hard for dads....
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172826_tn?1292440112
thanks girl...were both so busy with our own lives its a little difficult to catch up...my dad again asked me to just go home for a bit...i think well actually i am going to make it a monthly thing...im going for a week and if i go for a week here and there its not the end of the world...he claims hes going to be soo lost without is son n i think as to do that as the first step before drastically giving up..i think and am not sure but i think i still have a little more in me to fight for a decent relationship and if all else fails then...it fails...

weve been talking alot about our relationship n i told him wat goes on between us stays between us..i talk to my mom bout alot but she would never go up to the bf and speech him...ever...either way i have to wait 2 months because i need to give 60 days notice to my landlord...i will be talkin to her briefly...i am on a month to month basis so ya....so when we talked about various things...i expressed myself he said he saw the drug thing on sopranos...jeez kids watch superman and they dont attempt to fly-well maybe a bit but not off buildings...i told him media and real life hav nothing in common...

i am praying that if there is a god and a miracle that this could all be over and done with...make it either easier for me to walk away...man i remember being like to a friend ofmine omfg wtf is he doing etc y r u still there n now im in the same predicament...he doesnt know about my thoughts to leave and all...

im so confused because wouldnt you think someone who grew up without a father would want to be a better role model for their child???
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172826_tn?1292440112
btw how is lexi?
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171768_tn?1324233699
i gotta say, i was in complete agreement with lostlily until i read about your father's situation. i am very concerned about that. it sounds to me like his problem is much too serious. i know he would probably never do anything to deliberately hurt cameron, but people do some very irrational things when drunk. how is he going to react if he asks to hold cameron when completely drunk and you hesitate? how upset will he be if he offers to watch him for a half hour and you make excuses for him not to? i see this possibly straining your relationship. alcoholics are not rational at all. they do not realize they have a problem at the time. i say go home for a week to test the waters, but don't give notice at your apartment quite yet. see how things go. i would not want my baby to live in that situation either.

is moving in to a small apartment close to your parents an option?

and i just want to say that you sound like a very strong and determined person. be proud of all you have done so far! you are willing to make all the sacrifices necessary to provide for your son.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think u 2 shud sit down and try having a decent talk...if his behaviour is still weird then i'd advice u to move to ur parent's house where atleast da baby wud be safe and fine...nuthin is more important dan dat little human being right now....
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172826_tn?1292440112
thanks again...i have to say my dad is happy when drunk and miserable whennot drinking...they came to do the babys room back in july and he fixed my satelite dish and he completely lost iton me...his exact words were i ought to knock you right in the face..i told him riiiight hit your pregnant daughter....i dont let him step over me n im nasty to him when he gets nasty to me or my mom...i love my dad dearly, he used to hit me when i was younger and regrets it now...has never hurt my mom physically and i pray to god he never does-his dad too was an alcoholic and beat up his wife...i didnt really have the chance to "grow up"  in this since ive been out for 3.5 yrs but my mom talks alot to me and he loses it on her...i tell her to leave but once again im not the one in the situation...easier said than done when youre the one...

its difficult because right now i live in fear of losing my son...but at my parents id live in fear of myself or cameron getting hurt physically..good thing is my dad refuses to babysit cameron now cuz he did once-of cours had not been drinking for 20 mins n he started to cry after we left n was still cryin when we got back...my dad looked so sad and uncomfortable..he says never again lol....

in order to move back home id be waiting at least a yr or more for an apt...or paying a crazy amount that i couldnt afford or live in a dump...not very good...

the bf claims im running away from my problems but in reality it might seem that way but i just need to think and organize myself without him around...

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