continued distress post miscarriage

[maggles]

Hi Everyone-

Well it's only been 10 days since my D&C for imminent miscarriage but it feels like a month of hell.  Physically I have been very grateful that since about Monday I feel almost entirely like myself (after a few days of hard cramping, and a weekend of being exhausted and dizzy).  Meantime HUGE stress w/ my husband (married only 5 months) and I've come to see that he can not tolerate it if I am upset with or complaining about him in a situation, even if the complaints are very mild. On general he tried v. hard as a husband and is a good guy. But, for example he was super busy all week of the miscarriage and went to Las Vegas w/ his young son the week before it (I knew I was having the D&C).  THe next weekend I got irritated (not furious) and called his cel stating that he'd been gone a lot while I was home miserable and I needed some heali g time together (to watch a video or something, not a therapy session).  He got inraged and called me a liar & lots of other things because I "changed my mind" that it was cool w/me for him to go out, and then "not okay."  I said he couldn't yell and scream at me 5 days pot miscarriage. I tried to do some repair w/ him before leaving but he locked himself in his office and said he wouldn't come out for 4 days.  It was ridiculous, like I was fighting w/ a15 yr old.  Back to therapy for us, and I'm SOOO discouraged cause I can't see having a baby with him anyhow until he can tolerate A LITTLE anger or irritation from me without going ape.
It feels good to vent.  ANy others who know this one???

[nurse12hr]

Maggles
You are very, very right to wait to have a baby until this man grows up a little.  
He is being immature and selfish.  People deal with grief in many ways, some with inappropriate anger, but this seems very extreme.  Get some emotional distance from this man for a while.  Talk to your friends/family/us for support through this awful time post m/c.  

I HIGHLY encourage you, in addition to couples counseling (or if he won't go) to get counseling for yourself.  You are being emotionally abused right now, whether you recognize it or not.  This pattern in so early in a marriage needs to be stopped right now.  If he won't go, find out what you can do to cope.  

let us know, and vent away.

[maggles]

Thank you Christie.  I am going to therapy myself and we will begin to go together to marital counseling on Monday.  He is very willing to go and has told me that he knows he needs to do a lot of work on anger management when he is extremely stressed.  I will say that this is not characteristic of him-  he does this about once a year since we've been involved, which of course is still unacceptable.  But the majority of the time he is loving, works hard in our marriage, and very committed and a good husband and dad.  It seems that when there's a total crisis, like w/ the m/c, is when he loses it seriously.  I know that has to be worked out.  I am going to remember that this is not his norm and not give up, but I am getting all kinds of support for myself and telling him this pattern has to change.  He agrees and saw a counselor himself this week and is willing to go w/ me.  He said he will do whatever it takes to help our marriage.  I'm just so sad that he reacted to the miscarriage this way.  We are normally close and he not only went away, but was very hurtful.  Still I have hope, since most of the time things work between us.  I feel faith, and will work on things with him.  I just wish men in general were more grown up.  I have friends whose husbands would never act out in this way, but do other things like ignore them, forget their birthdays, don't tell they're beautiful or listen to their day, check in on plans, etc. (he does all those things well).  It's always something.  Have a good weekend all!

[samjames]

I  just read ur post from may 9 2003, I suffured a miscarriage 31 january 2007. It was my first pregnancy, my husband and i had been married almost 4 years.
His response to all the fall out post the miscarriage, was ful of regression  from life in particular life with me. Put all of his energy in surrounding himself with people removed from the situation.

Here we are more than a year on.... he is finally trying to be with me again we still have major issues to resolve,, but i hope he has learnt to manage the stress for the future.

regards

samjames