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devastated
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devastated

I have been posting for a while now about my pregnancy and m/c.Well I am so depressed today.
The other day their was a posting about family members who were pregnant and after a m/c how could we posibly be happy for them after our loss and also alittle bit of jealousy.Which is understandable I thought.I had posted about my sil who is pregnant with a girl & d/h cousin who was as far as long as I was before m/c.Well I commented that I had seen her at my first outing since & was upset that after my loss they still were so happy talking about there preg.baby names etc.I felt so bad I had to leave.I felt alittle bit jealous (the good kind)and thought every time  I see her belly It will remind me of my loss.Well, yesturday i recieved a phone call telling me she to had had a m/c and was going in today for a d&c.I feel horrible for having the feelings I did she was 14 wks.I some how feel like I some how did this.I know its not possible but.She called me for edvice sense nobody in our family has gone threw this (believe it or not)PLEASE HELP.I feel terrible.lol nanis
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Oh ~ Just know that it is nothing that you did. It happens. 14 weeks is pretty far along for a M/C. Just be there for her & support her as much as you can. It is hard to be happy for others after you suffered a loss. Just know that most of us have been there & were feeling the same way!
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93654_tn?1247502934
This is not your fault at all. Your sorrow and envy did not cause her to m/c. I think you should pull yourself together (even if just temporarily), and do what you can to help her through this. She sounds like she needs you right now.
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151668_tn?1239924705
I agree with Berko...everything she said.

And furthermore, you will probably have to support her when/if SHE sees other people who are pregnant. Unfortunately, she was oblivious to your jealous feelings when she was still pg after you had lost yours. So now that she will be going through the SAME feelings, she will probably be feeling a little guilt as well...when she realizes what you were going through. She will feel the guilt of being "insensitive" to your feelings, even though it wasn't intended. So go easy on her...

I don't think it was so much jealousy, as it was HURT. You were hurting because you had gone through something so traumatic, and yet people weren't being as sensitive to your feelings as they probably should have been. I think that is another reason you felt so bad...not pure jealousy. So please don't think you should be to blame for this. It is simply something that happens. Noone is immune.
And you're only human...God knows we can't help the emotions and thoughts that go through us sometimes.
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Avatar_n_tn
I cannot say i feel exactly as you do because I have never had a m/c. I have never been pregnant and am having a very hard time but i do and have felt the exact way you feel.  It is upsetting sometime to see people who are pregnant and feel the exact way you do.  I think it is a natural response that many people feel and I just watned you to know you are not alone.  The only thing I can say is maybe look forward to the fact that you were able to get pregnant and hopefully someday soon will be again.  My mother once told me to not be envious because someday they will be in a position that you yourself will be very thankful for not being in.  Don't know if that makes sense but the person I always envied now has some problems that i thank god and hope i will never have.
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Avatar_n_tn
i hear you on your feeling guilty, but in truth you really have nothing to do with this. you didn't have anything to do with your m/c and you certainly have nothing to do with this one. i know it's hard, but try not to think about and dwell on all the "jealousy" feelings you had during her pregnancy - they're perfectly normal and everyone goes through it. it doesn't mean you "caused" this m/c in no way. i think almost every one of my friends is pregnant or just gave birth to at least their 2nd and i'm still trying, hoping, and waiting for my first. i'm happy for them, but still it's hard seeing them in their pregnancy glory and their post-pregnancy glory all the time. i try then to think of others who are in the same boat as me or even worse - who've been going through this even longer - that's one way for me to steer myself away from the "jealousy" feelings, but in truth it doesn't always work and the feelings are in full strength. i think that the best and most productive way for you get past your guilty feelings is to be there for your sister-in-law. she needs you more than ever. she doesn't know the thoughts and feelings you had (which again, are completely normal)and all she knows is that you've been there and pulled yourself together from it and she needs your strength and support now. be there for her. be the shoulder you needed to cry on in your time, for her now. thinking of her and you.
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Avatar_n_tn
Oh Nanis, I agree with everything everyone else has posted here.  I cant add anything different than they did really.  I have experienced the same feelings of jealousy recently and my pregnancy wasnt even planned!  I have not posted much on here lately because I felt like my story, initially, would give people hope, but then my story was not a success so I find myself not being able to give people hope when it may turn out just as sad as mine.  And to those who have great news...I feel like wood even though I am truely happy for them, it reminds me of my loss.  Your guilt is really unjustified hun, only God has the power to give and take away.  You have to overcome your feelings of guilt to be there for her now.  As someone else said, you have experienced these feelings so she will need you now more than ever.  You both will console each other and help each other on the road to healing.  You know firthand how devastating losing a baby is, she is just experiencing it.  I am so sorry for both of your losses and I hope all will forgive me here for not posting more words of encouragement or congratulations.  Hugs and baby dust to all.
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150483_tn?1212172156
Thank you ladys your advice really makes me feel better.I am trying to be strong for her but with the fellings I had,  well I feel better.She will calling me later after her d&c.You guys are great!! I appreciate your quick responses.God bless you, lol nanis
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi nanis! I think I understand how you're feeling somewhat...My sister and I found out around the same time that we were both pregnant. I miscarried last week and would have been 11 weeks today and she is 10 weeks this week. Fortunately for my sister everything is going well so far (keep fingers crossed) but I can't help but feel soooo jealous!! To the point where I feel really guilty because I'm afraid that I'll get so jealous that I'll subconsciously cause something to happen!! (I know, it's stupid).
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Avatar_n_tn
You are normal like all the rest of us. After my m/c my SIL found out she was pregnant and it was aweful for me. Honestly, she was not throwing it in my face or anything, but just seeing a pregnant woman and knowing I wasn't anymore was enough to make me feel horrible. I'm sorry your SIL is going through this now too, a m/c is not something I would ever wish on anyone, it is completely devastating as you well know ( I hate when people say they wish they could at least have a m/c, they have no idea what they are really asking for). Just be there for you SIL now when she needs you too. You don't have to be strong, just be there and cry with her if you both need it. I always hate when people say things like Buck up etc. If anything, your SIL needs to see that its ok to greive and its normal to still feel the heartache even months later. My heart goes out to both of you. It does get easier with time and support.
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93654_tn?1247502934
Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. Stormy is right- you're so emotional right now, but it will get better. m/c's are very common. You just don't hear about them all the time, because it's not something people wear on their sleeves, ya know? People put pics in their home and office of their kids, but we just don't let everyone know when we've had a loss. In my case, it's been two. The first was a blighted ovum, found at 12 weeks, and the second was ectopic at around 6.5 weeks (I would have to look at a calendar...kind of blocked that one out). Unlike stormy, I had good experiences with my D&C's. But that's a decision for you to make. Talk to your doctor about your options, and take some time to think about it. There's no reason to rush into anything. I don't know how spiritual you are, but I'll tell you what I believe. There is a predestined plan for you and your dh. A family is part of that plan, but for reasons we don't know yet, this pregnancy was not part of that plan. I certainly hope the next one is. Just because it is our time does not mean that it is His. I hope you find some comfort in those words. If they make you mad, go ahead and tell me...I'll understand. I'll even be your verbal punching bag if it will help.
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Avatar_n_tn
sweetie, just about everyone on here can offer you wisdom and support because most of us have experienced it firsthand, unfortunately.  I like you thought it couldnt happen to me, but my situation was of the most bizarre nature, but the outcome was the same and no, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. It is not you fault!  As far as the d&c?  Well...I am reluctant to advise you on that.  I thought a d&c would be best for me, so I had one on July 18th, and just had to have another (which again, I never thought could happen to me) yesterday because of missed tissue, so I am not so sure that is the way to go.  Perhaps you should talk to the dr about a pill, its metho something, I think, your dr will know at any rate.

Your emotions now will be out of control due to what is happening with your baby, but also when you begin to actually m/c you hormones will be all over the place because of the hcg levels.  If you feel like crying, and beleive me you will, let it out, in my opinion it helps with the emotional healing to talk about it and cry about it if you so choose.  If you google about the rate of m/c's, you will be amazed at how high it really is, and many women dont even know they have m/c because it happens so early.  M/c is very common, so dont beat yourself up, instead, allow yourself to grieve.  You can try again after you have had one period.  Good luck to you and baby dust as well!
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Avatar_n_tn
I've never done this before, I just ran into it while i was researching a m/c...but maybe someone out there has words of comfort for this unbearbable loss. My husband and I were 8 weeks pregnant for the very first time....so excited, I had every preganancy book, magazine, and have always been a healthy person. I went to the doctor yesterday becuase of some very light spotting on and off over the weekend. I wasn't even that concerned, and figured I would be told everything was o.k. and get the chance to see my lil' baby. I had an external and internal u/s and the tech was showing no emotion, wouldn't allow me to see the screen, and then asked me to dress and wait for the doctor in the waiting room, I was scared, although I had my sister there with me who has m/c before and she said when she's been in for a u/s that they are trained to show no emotion. Needless to say, I went in the dark u/s room when the doctor came in and told me the news. My baby didn't have a heart beat and had died. I couldn't speak, and I spent the entire night crying last night. I've never wanted anything so bad in my entire life....and now I'm so scared that I did something wrong, or I will not be able to have another child. As I've read, this seems to be common, but I could never imagnie it being o.k. just because it's common, it makes me feel worse that there are so many women out there who have gone through this terrible pain. I wanted to hold THIS baby, and nurse THIS baby, and have my FIRST baby....Now I don't know whether to wait to miscarry of have a d&c. I still don't have anybleeding, and the spotting wa so light, I orignally thought it was just old blood. But waiting seems like forever.....I'm asking for any support, just from someone whose gone through this terrible tragedy and still surviving. Someone who ahs some words of wisdome about a d&c or how long it will take to pass.  I just can't beleive this happened the first time. I just need some words of kindness.
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150483_tn?1212172156
I'm sooooo sorry for your loss.I resently had my m/c last week.I know how you feel this is a horrible thing to happen especially to people that wanted their babys so much.Dont give up.Grieve your own way.Atleast you know you can concieve (conceive).Me, I had the methotrexate shot 4 times in 1 wk(presumed optopic).My first shot was the beg. of aug.& didn't m/c till the 25th.I m/c at home but had horrible pains seemed like contrations & clotting, that was pretty hard the hcg levels are still high in the thous.My sis & cousin had d&c without complications.The only difference is that with the d&c you could ttc again after 1 cycle sister alredy had baby in june.I on the other hand cannot ttc for 3 looong mos. due to the medication.Hope this info was helpfuul.Its your choice.And stay strong, lol nanis
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I can't thank you enough for your responses. Your thoughts have helped mend this heartache one thought at a time. It helps, to not feel so alone during this terrible time. I too, am so sorry for all of your losses, nanis, stormy, and mslk. My thoughts and prayers are with you as well!! I am now anxiously waiting for the natural process to begin, I still don't have a lot of bleeding yet, consistent but very mild. I have an appointment ( My original First appointment :(  with my doctor on thursday of this week to talk about my options. I hope something happens before then, if not.... I guess I'll have a decision to make. Your opinions about the situation mattered to me and I appreciate them. My other sister is an Ultrasound tech at our clinic here, ( she was almost the one to do my ultrasound....probably better she didn't) and she has talked to me about both....and says there are positives and negatives to either way. One thing she did tell me that made me smile was that she sees so many women with all of our experiences that go on to have very healthy baby's. I guess we have to look to the positive side that there is more help out there today for pregnancy than there ever used to be!1
I have strong faith too, and have prayed for strength, courage, and understanding to get through this, and I'm praying for the same for all of you too!! Thank you again so much for responding...you've helped...truly, by just being there with your eyes to read this, and your thoughts.


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93654_tn?1247502934
You're welcome, and really- no thanks needed! I think I can speak for all of us when I say that it helps us to cope with our losses, knowing that we've helped someone else. You sound like you're doing a little better, and that's good. If you feel up to it, please don't hesitate to give us an update on your situation. Or, if you have more questions, there is always someone on here that can help. Good luck to you.
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I hate to say this sweetie....but it will most likely get worse before it gets better. I feel your pain, and I know EXACTLY what you are going through, believe me.  People told me "Tonya, I dont know what to say..."  That was the kindest thing they could have said, then you have others who dont have a clue that say "I know how you feel" when they have never lost a baby, or the other one is "well, it was probably for the best..."  I really hate that one!  People that havent been in "our" shoes, say really insensitive things, not meaning to be cruel.  Most are just nervous or uncomfortable.  Your hormones have not kicked in yet sweetie.  Vent if you need to, scream in your pillow, whatever allows you an avenue to let it out, and you dont need to thanks us here or aplogize.  All of us are just glad we could provide you with, at least some knowledge as to what to expect.  Take good care of yourself now, both physically AND emotionally.  (((HUGS)))
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I'm so annoyed!!! Why is it that unless you've gone through this...sensitivity is hard to come by. I can't even stand to be at my mothers house..she oddly can't find the right thing to say..even so much as stating "you know, I always wondered if you may have trouble" brilliant...just brilliant, blaming me, makes it all so much flipping better, and my other sister, with her beautiful baby, is in too good of mood. It's like they got together and said hey, lets be over the top in the best mood today and see how she feels. Like them being overjoyed makes me feel better. They have no clue what this feels like...no clue that someone you loved more than anything has just died. Like oh well, life goes on....I don't get it??? At least my other sister has been there, and she is so supportive and great! I just needed to vent. I was o.k. today, not so much crying until now, I'm just so angry at them, they don't care. It never happened to them so they don't understand. How do you deal with this....how do you do it day after day????? I want to scream at the top of my lungs at them and tell them that nothing more hurts...it feels like you just lost someone, only this time, you were the only one that felt them alive. I felt this baby, every little growth spurt, I dreamed of him/her and thought of it everysingle day, every single night. It was a LIVING part of me, and no one understands unless you've been there and endured this!! I just needed to vent...and get it out here, raher than to my family. Thanks for listening!!!
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93654_tn?1247502934
Stormy is right again! People mean well, but just say all the wrong things. With my ectopic, I took methotrexate, which dissolves the pregnancy. I told my friend...one of my best friends...how horrible I felt terminating a pregnancy that I wanted so badly. She said, "you know, it's not like it has arms or legs yet, so don't feel bad." HUH??? WTF???

I was really thankful for the people that simply said they were sorry and let me know they were there if I needed anything. Sometimes, the less people say, the better.
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Avatar_n_tn
I had a d&c done on Saturday and am back to work today.  So far I've had a little bit of cramping and slight bleeding.  Before the d&c I didn't have any spotting or bleeding.  An u/s showed that the fetus had died at 6 weeks.  I decided to have the d&c rather than wait for my body to m/c.  (Personal choice - I think you have to decide for yourself).  I really think that unless a person has gone through a m/c they can't understand the grieving process.  I'm still going through an emotional roller coaster.  I never thought it would hurt this much.  I think though that the women who are pg are just really excited about being pg and hopefully aren't being purposefully cruel.  I know it's difficult but you should try not to be jealous.  You never know what these same people have gone through in the past, are presently going through, or may have to go through in the future.  (I don't mean to preach).   This group has been a big support, at least we know we're not alone.
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