father of the baby NOW wants to involved... im due in 12 days?

Hes such a jerk. He calls out of no where today, while im at work and tells me hes sorry how everything happened between us... and he wants to be there from now on to help with the baby. This guy has put me through hell and back, and he just wants me to smile and say "oh no problem, yeah we'll work it out... forget the entire 9 months you deserted me..." come on. I dont know, part of me is relieved he came to his senses and the other part doesnt want him anywhere near me or the baby. This entire pregnancy hes been nothing but a jerk, and told me he wants nothing to do with the baby at all and i'm on my own.... and to get an abortion. And I told him how upset I've been this entire pregnancy, and I've been so stressed out by him that I've been seeing a therapist, smoking on occasion. I dont know what to do, he wants to be there with me when i have the baby (nov 26). my mom is coming, and she doesnt want anything to do with him and I would rather have her there anyways. I dont trust him, he lies all the time..... I dont know what to do, should I try to be nice and see where this could go (i really dont want to) for the sake of the baby. I'm just so hurt and upset by him. Girls I need some advice

[cantwait4baby]

If he wants to be involved there is nothing you can do to stop him but I personally would not let him in the delivery room.  You have been through a lot and you do not need the stress in the delivery room.  Your mom has been there with you through all of this.  Tell him you will contact him after the baby is born and home.  Then the two of you can talk about it.  Tell him you cant discuss it right now.

You need to do some thinking beforehand on what you are going to name your baby. (last name) even if you give the baby your last name he is still responsible for support.  Put his name on the birth certificate and then tell him all he is responsible for - he may just run away again.  Your gut is telling you not to trust him so dont.  Invite him to see the baby if he wants - being the father you cant keep him away so kill him with kindness.

Good luck with your delivery.  all your hard work is almost done.  ps.  try not to smoke... baby needs his/her mommy to be healthy.

[lilypad143]

Im not sure about the last name, thats another problem. but I think your right, his presence stresses me out and right now I just cant deal with any added stress. god, I was actually dealing with the fact that he wasn't going to be around.... and now this.

[cantwait4baby]

just keep yourself and your baby first. Tell him you will deal with him after the baby is home from the hospital.  Name is up to you in your situation I would give the baby my last name, I am unmarried but our daughter has her fathers name because we have been together and living together so I know he will always be a good daddy.  Good luck to you.

[wonderme]

I agree...take it slow.  It is nice if both parents can be involved in a child's life assuming that they offer a stable and loving relationship (w/ baby).  I would not look to add any stress to delivery.

Perhaps you can tell him that you are open to having him involved, but it is too stressful at this late date to change your labor/delivery plans to include him.  He can wait in the waiting room.  I would also make sure he is aware that there are certain ground rules that he must abide by to be involved --responsible behavior, support for you and baby (emotional and financial) and that he cannot come and go out of baby's life.

Perhaps he was just scared and overwhelmed (I see you are young, but obviously mature with a good suppost system, yeah Mom!)...is he young as well?  I am NOT bashing the young, we all were once!  But, it may have been too much for him.  I am NOT excusing this behavior and don't necessarily believe people can change so drastically.  But, if he can reasonably be in baby's life then it is probably good.  Let him know that if he flakes out on you again...he won't be allowed to disrupt yours and baby's life again...he can still pay child support, though!

Take it slow, stick to your plans and be cautious when including him.

I hope it all works out how you want...and what's best for baby!

Good luck...you are getting so close!

[kris123]

My BF during the last four months of my pregnancy was a total A-hole.  He would tell me to leave the house, he wasn't going to help ect .......  Then he wants to be at the hospital and I say ok.  He changed when the baby was born was really nice and kissed me and acted like with were togeather.  I took the baby home and he would call four times a day, then it went to two, and now I have to call.  He changed for about five weeks.  Our son is 21weeks old and him giving me money is like pulling teeth.  He only sees Ryan when I take him up to see him.  I was also confused as to not or let him be there for the birth.  The way I see it, if he is nice to you now and wants to be there and you are ok with it, I would let him be there.  I was in your shoes.  I thought he had a right to see his son if he wanted to.  My ex did change but it didn't last.  It was nice to see him hold his son and happy.  He is still an A-hole but I don't regret letting him be there.  

[kris123]

BTW, I gave my son his father's last name, even though we are not togeather.  I thought it would be easier for child support.  Odd reason I know but that is why I did it.  Also you can't not put his name on the birth cert. unless you are married or he signs paternity papers.  If he is not there and doesn't sign paternity papers, his name will not be on the birth cert.  So I would think about that too.  Let him come, get him to sign the papers, put his name on the birth cert.  

[lilypad143]

I am young, but I have been through a lot more than he has obviously. I was married when I was just turned 18, and later got pg with my son and then 3 yrs later got divorced. I have been taking care of myself since I was 16, and I am a fulltime college student (senior year).... I have no relatives that live anywhere near me (my mom is flying in from texas and is only staying a week when the baby comes). So I had to grow up fast, I understand this and accept this..... but how long can he get off with using that excuse "I'm young and in college and it was too much for me to handle". OK i have a 3 yr old son, im in college tooooo..... but he is given sympathy? I know you said you are not excusing his behavior.... but it seems like everyone around me is, and it is really making me upset.

[kris123]

He does not have an excuse, but I would have him there just to sign the paternity papers at least.  That is the main reason I wanted for Craig to be there.  He signed them and it is making the child support process faster.

[wonderme]

Oh, sweet...I was NOT excusing his behavior at all.  If you are old enough to make a baby then you should be old enough to take responsibility for that baby.  You have certainly done that and then some.  People's true character often comes out when faced with life's toughest challenges, not when life is easy.  You have accepted what your blessed life has come with -- challenges and all.  Kudos to you.

And in no way am I saying that young people are incapable of raising children...but the reaction of a younger person who hasn't always had the life experiences of an older person, may be a part of the puzzle in understanding his behavior.

Again, I would take it slow.  It would be nice in an ideal world to have both parents involved, so if he was having a knee-jerk reaction, then perhaps there is a chance that he can shape up and be involved.  It he's just a jerk, then there's nothing much you can do -- other than protect your baby and yourself -- again emotionally and financially.

You should be so proud of yourself for taking care of your children and yourself so well, despite others' lack of support.

I wish you the best...please relax and enjoy the birth of your new little one...it is truly a blessing.  And your kids will grow up proud of their mom!

[lilypad143]

Paternity papers? do you ask for those or do they just give them to you? I want to do a paternity test, so that I never hear later on that hes trying to deny my son. Can this be done in the hospital?

[ashleighnb]

You could give that baby Donald Trumps last name and it wouldn''t matter. The only thing that matters when it comes to child support is a paternity test if its his he has to pay! I gave my daughter her fathers last name because he said he was going to be around and take care of her and he wanted us to work out our situation. He has not been there for her for more than 2 months collectively of her 3 years in this world. I regret everyday giving her his name. I think unless you are married or in a serious relationship with the father you should give you child your name. If he wants to take care of the baby let him, if not don't make him. You have to keep yourself and your child happy. If you are not happy the child won't be either. I would not let him be in the delivery room..he hasn't earned that, if he had been there during your pregnancy it would be a different story. I would call after the baby is born and say the baby is here, I wil call when we are home and settled and then you can come see the baby. You don't need that stress at the hospital.

Sorry I have been through this and it is a touchy subject and if I could change the way I handled it I would so hopefully I can help you not make the same mistake I did. Good luck.

[kris123]

The hosptial may be able to give the test.  I have been through this twice.  My daughte is 12 and her father did sign the papers at the hosptial so my name only went on the birth cert.  I just think it is better to get him to sign them.  You know he is the father, but wouldn't it look bad on him if he had signed the papers and then asked for a test and the test said what you and he knew.  He would look like a big butt hole.  It has happened to me.  I did ok with my ex being there, but you know you and you do what you think is best.  I did what I did because I felt it was right for me.  It was a little odd because he was kissing on me in front of everyone and he hadn't kissed me in months.

[lilypad143]

I was thinking about giving the baby his last name, just for the simple fact that my son has his dads last name. I know her in MI you can change the name of the baby up to a year of the baby being born for free. So i can always change my mind later. but does anyone know if you can do a paternity test at the hospital.

god hes been such a jerk, and maybe later after the babies born ill think about letting him come around.

[kris123]

They will present the papers to you when it is time to apply for the birh cert.  Maybe just have him there when they do it.  Ask them when and have him there.  It was so much easier to have those papers because with my daughter it took months to work it all out.  that is only my case someone else may have different advise.

[kris123]

That is why I gave Ryan his last name "for the simple fact that he has his dad's last name."  My duaghter has her dad's last name also.  She doesn't see her father at all - only at Christmas.  She is glad she has her dad's last name because she says mine sounds odd with her first name. he he kids  I would call the hospital about the paternity test.  Just have him sign the papers if not.  He is signing a legal document stating he is the father.  If he wanted to they could take a test later.  He could ask the judge, but like I said he would look like a dummy

[peekawho]

Know a guy for long enough to be sure he's not a jerk, well before deciding to make a baby with him.  Your life will be easier.  

[lilypad143]

hmmm I know sometimes you can be tough and say whats on your mind..... but your little comment could have been kept to yourself right now. and obviously this pregnancy was not planned, and he wasnt always a jerk.... right now peek I need support, not advice on something that cant be changed now because it is already done.

[peekawho]

Well, use it for the future, then.  If you date a guy long enough, any tendency towards being a jerk will make itself known.  Long enough means a few years, sometimes.  

Sorry I have no other advice for you.  As you said, what's done is done.  Good luck.

[ziggysgrl0724]

my situation....I was 19 when I had my 1st son...I wasnt married....my BF came to the hospital and he signed the papers...my son has my maiden name...I would not give your child his name...it takes more then "donating" some sperm to be a father, ya know?  you have worked for this child, and you truly care...I feel the baby should have ur last name...but thats my opnion....now that being said..I think you should use his willingness to change as an excuse to get the paternity papers signed and make it easier on urself...tell him he can be there but to wait in the waiting room..and when it comes time to sign have him in there....let him hold the baby all that...tell him how important is i t to you to have him the birth certificate,...this way even if he turns out to the jerk you know he is..you will not have problems getting financial support for your baby later on....

[AndiJ78]

Please take some time to think about this. Not about his part in the baby's life, he deserves that unless he is a creepy ********* or drug addict. But what has happened between you is just that, between you. Stick with your game plan to keep him out of the delivery room, but let him be there to see his child afterward. Using deception is not an answer. Be adult about it, see that this was a mistake, not the baby, but the situation. And do what you can to make the best of a bad situation.

If you know he is the dad, have him sign the papers. A DNA test should be done anyway, it is the most prudent thing to do. Nowadays, it is a swab in the mouth, painless for all involved. But it will cost money, so you need to figure out who is paying or better yet, split the cost.

Good luck. The situation is in play, stressing about it won't help, just plug along and do what you can to make this a good place to bring your baby into this world without the drama.

[AndiJ78]

So people don't think I am swearing, I wrote p-e-d-o-p-h-i-l-e

[lilypad143]

thanks for the advice, and I will let him be apart of the babies life.... as much as i hate him right now, i will. Hes not a drug addict or anything of that sort, hes just a 21 year old college student whose never taken care of himself in his life (dad pays for everything). And I'm going to pretend for one second with him that everything is ok between us, and im not going to use deception either. We will get a paternity test done, for his family (they really want it). I'm just going to take one day at a time, but im not putting my guard down for one minute.

[AndiJ78]

No one says you need to lower your guard. By all means, keep it up. This is your child and your job is to protect them. But know that despite being pampered by his family, this is his baby too and his parents grandchild. A baby can use all the love from family it can handle. It really does make life much easier and pleasant for all if you can be nice to one another. Put your personal feelings aside and let him assume his new role as dad. I can only imagine how tough this must be on you, but you are strong enough to move beyond it all and be the better person, if for no other reason than to set a good example for your baby. They will respect you more for it as you grow up. I grew up with a spiteful mother who did her best to ruin my relationship with my father and his wife. No child should be told horrible things about their parent, they are after all, part of them.

[daprincess21]

My only thought, and hearing you say that he first mentioned abortion..would put me to think that maybe he has just "woke" up and relized what is really going on. I had friend whos bf told her to have an abortion and their daughter is 3 years old and he has been there since she was born. It maybe juts needed to really sink in and scare him a little bit and he needed to decide if he wanted to "grow" up enough for a child. He could have relized that he is just as much a part as you. I would have to say if he wants to be a father, than let him. There are alot of men out there that have 5-6 kids and no desire to "father" them at all. It doesnt mean that you have to be with him. Its a tought decision and im sure whatever one you make will be best for you and the baby. Good luck!

[lilypad143]

Yes, I totally agree with you... I come from a divorced family, and my mom never once bashed my dad even though he was horrible to her (found that out later on when I was older - 20). So i would never do that to my kids, and i will put on the smile for them because its not the babies fault. I dont get a long with my ex dh but I never bash him to my son, I put on the smile for him because he doesnt need to know or understand any of what goes on between me and his father.... and ill do the same for this baby.

Thanks again, I know God doesnt give us more than we can handle... and i know if he is giving me this difficulty he knows I can handle it.

[Mouthymom]

girl, it's a tough decision and it makes it really hard to make it since he hasn't been there at all for you during the times you've needed him, I have a 12 year old who's father was there for the first few months of my pregnancy then was gone and even after I agreed to a paternity test to prove to him he was her dad, his wife told him he had to chose her or his daughter and he chose his wife,,, but if your baby's father wants to be there , maybe it wouldn't hurt to let him but take caution for a while to see if he changes for the good or bad