hormones or what?? venting

As most of you know I have a 5 year old full time stepson.  I am raising him with my husband because his looser mother is god knows where having more kids she can't take care of.  Well he doesn't behave at all.  Ever.  He has been peeing his bed pretty much since I met him.  He poops his pants on occation.  Well tonight he peed his pants at the dinner table.  He does it playing video games and tells us he just doesn't want to get up to use the bathroom.  He started kindergarten and has been in trouble almost every day with yelling, pushing and telling another child he hates them.  I am loosing my mind.  My baby  is 6 weeks old and I am having a really hard time enjoying him because I'm so frustrated with the other one.  The problem is my husband will punish him and give in the next day.  My husband was young when he had him and this child has been giving anything he wants by him and his family.  I am the "bad person" who came into his life at 3 1/2 and has set rules.  They step on my toes with them alot.  He can do no wrong.  They tell us that he's only 5 and to lay off of him.  I think he needs counceling and nobody agrees with me.  I don't know what to do.  I'm at the point that I am thinking about leaving my husband because I'm so stressed out.  The problem is I have no where to go.  The house we live in belongs to his family and I don't have any family within a 1500 radius.  I have no help at all here.  I don't know if I'm just really hormonal or if this is how I really feel.  I swear I could pack up now and leave.  

[1nana]

You need to show this post to your husband and if he doesn't act on it the way you want him to, then maybe a trip back home for awhile might be the thing to do. ( I know that is easier said than done), but then he will know you mean business. Your right about your stepson needing counceling.
Good luck!

[maddysmommy]

I know EXACTLY where your coming from..i mean to a tee...i almost left my dd while i was four months pregnant becuase i could not handle his dd...and the behaviors were realatively the same..all besides the school issue..but the peeing in bed and in the car ALL the time..and she's older..well 7.. she would constantly fight with my 3yodd for no reason..she just was plain out mean to her..and my dd obv fought back..so it was like a war zone in my home ALL the time..and of course i was the bad person and my dd was the bad kid..nevermind we werent doing anything..and our whole home was turned upside down only when his dd was there..it became so bad that i actually did leave for three days..and it was so hard bc i missed him and i loved him but just couldnt handle her..and he put her above and beyond me even pregnant..it got to the point where he even got her mother involved and it got real nasty...so finally i saw the issue..basically its jeaslousy...now i have been in her life for a few years as you have with him...but have the behaviors worsened since youve been pregnant?  it could be that..or it could be he has something going on emotionally..built up resentment bc his real mom is MIA..and now you have another baby...its so hard to figure out..just remember he's a child he didnt get to choose what type of mom he would have..he could be hurting and acting out for attention..i would deft agree he might need someone to talk to ..play therapy works very well..its an outlet for him to get his feelings out..but not really know he's doing it...things arent really much better at our house with his dd..but things have been upside down in both her homes..her mom had a baby a little under a year ago..and i just had a baby who's been in the nicu for 7 weeks..so she's not gettng much attention at either end..kids are very complex and sometimes hard to figure out..but..work together as a family..and you just had a child..leaving your husband now would be very hard...just dont make him have to choose..hopefully he will see your point and things can work out..best of luck..and sorry my post is so long..im just so familiar with your situation..i feel for ya

[1nana]

oops, I meant counseling.

[ImmortalOne]

I don't think its your hormones at all.  I think that the boy needs discipline and one of the first things I would do as a mom is take those video games away, game system and all.  He might be "only 5" but this is the time when they start learning the foundations they will need throughout their lives.  He needs the limits, he needs the rules, and he needs to understand what is and isn't acceptable.  Kindergarten is a good place for him to start, however without support from the rest of the adults in his life it is an upwards battle for you.  

They certainly need to stop interfering with how you and your husband take care of and raise that youngin' and you need to stand firm if you have been given the "permission" of being his "Mom" by his father and him.  Being "young" when he was born is no excuse, I was 17 when my eldest was born and she's a great child and an honor roll student and has been.  Your husband may have stepped up and took financial responsibility of his son, however he needs to do more than he obviously is and stop giving in to whatever the boy wants.  Be forewarned however, he might have an issue with you saying this as it isn't biologically your son (It is a common issue in "Ready Made" families). However perhaps not just the boy needs counseling, as the entire family as a family, or perhaps some parenting classes.  

[ImmortalOne]

One thing for me I have noticed is that when my #2 DD goes to her bio Father's I have 3 days of what I call "unlearning" to do with her.  Because Dad's house is Disneyland, she has no responsibilities, no rules, etc.  Where as she does here, she has chores, and there is a minimum expected of her here in my house.  And she's my biological daughter and will get a butt whippin' when she needs it (I do believe in spanking and might have to do it once or twice a year at most).

[lynne1276]

Well the thing is he knows his mom.  He hasn't seen her since January because she moved away without telling anyone.  He also just found out that she is having another baby due next month.  I feel bad for him because it must be terrible wondering why his mommy has 3 other kids that live with her and not him.  Maybe I should show this post to my husband.  Maybe that is what it will take for him to realize I'm going insane.  My husband doesn't see it as much because he gets out of the house and does things.  I don't.  Even before the baby it seemed like I was always home with his son.  Maybe I'm the one who needs counseling.  

[1nana]

Yes, show it to him before you do anything drastic.

[1nana]

By the way, family counseling wouldn't be a bad idea (all 3 of you).

[Me2mommy2b]

obviously, the kid's got issues.  I don't blame the poor fella, he didn't ask to have her for a mother.  I remember you posting that she "pops" into his life once in a while.  You definitely need some help to see each other's point of view and to help the son resolve whatever issues he might be having (that might take a while).  Sorry you're going through this but being a step parent, that's almost inevitable to come accross problems such as these once in a while.  Good luck and I hope you resolve this.

[Crritter]

I agree that counseling would be a good idea.  Maybe talk with the teacher and school counselor about his behavior and see what they have to say.  He might be acting out more at home, but it sounds like he really has some behavioral problems.  He's not a bad kid, but he will be cut out of the groups at school if he doen't learn how to interact with others.  My sis had issues with her son and his bahavior, inappropriate behavior, pushing, hitting, no interest in toilet training.  She had so many issuesm she would get called out of her class in the gym to get her child because of his behavior.  Turned out after they began to realize it wasn't normal for him to act out, they went through batteries of tests.  He was diagnosed as autistic last winter.  Had they began earlier on treating him, they would have saved some heartache and headache.  They kept getting told he was naughty and didn't listen and was mean.  Once they learned how to interact with him it made a huger difference and he's doing really well in school now.  Not to scare you and not to imply that there are any problems, but it's worth talking to the teacher and counselor to see how he's doing at school and to rule out any issues.  Good luck, I hope the little one is doing well too.

[pertykitty]

there are so many factors, id schedule an appt with his ped, (maybe without him even you dont want to talk in front of him sometimes) and see if he needs therapy, or to be tested for this or that. my son has been in therapy for a year or almost 2 now.  his father and i went through an ugly divorce and he has issues we are working through.  it has helped wonders.  there has to be consistant parenting, rules have to be followed every day, not when dad feels like it.  kids need and crave it.  people sometimes feel bad for what a kid has been through and go the other way and never punish thinking it will harm them more.  it couldnt be further from what needs to be done.  i hope it can all work out, i dont want to have to see you leave.  i applaud you for your patience with a child that isnt your own.  it has to be very difficult.  good luck i hope your dh will listen and do what is best for his son.  

[lynne1276]

Thats the problem.  I feel like I'm loosing all patience with him.  I don't want to feel that way toward a 5 year old.  I'm afraid I won't love him the same as my own.  I feel like a horrible person for that.  I'm sure he can sense it too.  

I showed my husband the post.  He didn't really have much to say.  He already unpunished him.  It makes me look bad.  I punish him and he takes it away.  
My mother in law says that we arent paying enough attention to him.  He is the center of attention all the time one way or another.  I think they are all forgetting that I have a newborn and have never been a mother before.  My husband has already been through this.  She did nothing to help him and I think that since I do everything my husband feels that he's already been though this so this time he can just sit back.  Nobody is calling offering me help.  I can't even find a sitter for one night so I can work.  
I'm going nuts.  

[pertykitty]

lynn your feelings are normal, how can you help it when everyone else is afraid to treat him as any other child except yourself?  they arent doing him any favors, they are creating a style that will show up in school, calls to pick him up, calls he wont listen, calls he is fighting.  im sorry he wont listen.  maybe a book or just schedule an appt with a family therapist so you and dh can get some work done before it turns into you leaving.  good luck, its hard when your partner refuses to see what is an issue.

[lynne1276]

He's already been in trouble.  I just went to pick him up and while I was waiting watched him punching a little girl in the back until the teacher put him by himself.  He lied to me and told me he didn't hit her.   Just had a huge fight with dh over it.  I think I will look into family counceling.  Thank god I go back to work tonight.  

[kerryke]

Being a step parent is so hard...I have an 11 year old stepson and then my husband and I have a 5 year old son and 4 month old daughter.  Your husbands parents are protective because they have to trust 100% that you have pure love for their grandson, and sometimes that is hard to see.
I remember my in-laws getting upset with my sister-in-laws husband (the stepdad) because they thought
he was too hard on their grandaughter and it wasn't his place to discipline - that is why being a step-parent is such a hard role because you give yourself to a child who is not yours, knows they have their own mom, but still arent respected.  Maybe he really does feel like that is the way he gets attention (even though it is negative) since he is surrounded by babies that everyone usually dotes over.  Who knows...