i think im going crazy:(:(:(

[CYW]

i dont know if its from lack of sleep or what but here goes...i feel like such a terrible mother...i am so ashamed and i have spoke to a close friend of mine who said it might just be fear or tiredness related to a whole bunch of stuff...so i figured i would ask you wonderful ladies

i thought i was experiencing ppd at one point and called a helpline and apparently what i was experiencing was normal but i no longer feel this is normal...and i dont know what to do.

after having a baby life isnt always what it seems, you seem happy but really you feel overwhelmed, hopless etc..those seem to be normal things...or so i've been told....i am a child and youth worker and i absolutely love and adore children, especially my own but for the past 2 weeks or so ive litterally been feeling like im losing it...i wake up from terrible nightmares that im hurting my baby boy...normal??? i think not....the things that run into my mind are just beyond horrible...i havenever hurt a child n if i was to hurt one it sure as heck wouldnt be my baby....i love him to death...

so ive been noticing when i play with my son, my mind wanders...i dont know if its because i have too much time on my hands...i get to thinking bout all those things in the news about how shaken baby syndrome and horrible things like that, that happen with parents and caregivers...its like im in a daze, then i see myself doing such horrible things to my baby n when i get out of it i find myself crying because i know me n i would never in a million years hurt my child... even when he has cried for hours upon hours have i ever  lost my cool or got frustrated or anything...if anything i just held him n tried to comfort him the best way i knew how...

i know myself and id never hurt my baby nor any other child like that...why am i thinking these horrible things? is it because i have become so aware of what happens that i am scared or worried it would happen to me??? my son and i have an incredible bond...hes so smiley n all n its obvious that over a crowd of ppl he would rther be with his mommy...he will get cranky and once he is in my arms he feels safe away...

so if i feel this much love, i know i i wouldnt do this, then why in the world would i be having these messed up thoughts or drifting off...and thats another thing never has it happen when he is upset...its either when he is happy or content or when he is sleeping...whats wrong with me???

man these hormones are too much,,,i feel like such a horrible mom juss having those things run through my mind and im sooo ashamed

thank you ladies, i didnt know where else to go..

[Waiting4myprincess]

This sounds exactly what my mom went through after she had my sister. She was miserable, mean, had the dreams about hurting my sister, etc. I think what you are experiencing is a form of PPD. I went through very slight PPD with my DS but I didn't have it nearly as bad as what you are going through but some of the things you mentioned take me back. My mom even had thoughts about flushing my sister down the toilet. I am telling you, PPD is not something to mess around with. I would really suggest calling your doctor and speaking to him/her about it. Don't be embarassed or ashamed. You are taking the first step and that is asking for help. You should be enjoying your time with your son bot feeling miserable. There are things your doctor can do to help you. Hang in there!! I will be praying for you.

[Tanker Chic]

I would take to your dr for sure.  I'm pg with my first so I can't speak from any personal experience but I did see a show on oprah about this same subject.  There were many women who admitted to having the same types of thoughts.  so you aren't alone.  

take care and get some help for both of your sake.  Even if you never would hurt him, you can't be the best mother you can be with this hanging over you.  

[CYW]

thank you so much ladies...ididnt know where to go with this, i didnt know what to do..i had called a help line probably about a week before this started just because im always alone and all...im very lonely...no one calls me, no one comes to visit me,lets just say the only ppl i speak to are my mother n bf..my friends just ignore me now that i am a mother..you know that type of thing....we fell down the stairs when my son was anout 6 weeks old..he was in his carseat thank god or he wouldnt be here but i bawled for days...now there is snow its cold i really dont feel like bringing out a 500$ stroller in the snow and salt...let alone a baby...you kno what i mean??? then i cant just take him out to g anywhere cuz alone we'd have to take the bus...he is heavy, i dont have a thing like a carrier to bring him in...i really dont even have the money to afford one right now because i only have so muh money coming in and i need to provide for him...bf doesnt do anything as of yet...he is in school full time, works full time...hasnt done anything for ds...i spent so much money on xma for my ds...he hasnt done anything yet...i do understand he lost his job when ds was just born, he was jobless for about 3 weeks, that did a real number on his bills so he is playing catch up...but his mother is horrible with me so i dont want to leave ds with her...horrible things she had said such as takin ds away from me, reporting me to child services etc callng the cops only for if i was to put his car seat in another car...horrible just horrible...then id love to go to my moms and the bf tells me to leave ds here...i dont think so...i just need to be around people...and then he puts me through these awful guilt trips...ur going to take my baby aay etc...its nice if he sees him 5-10 hours a week between school and work and sleep...you see??? so that adds onto everything....

[dreamreader76]

When I had my DS, I would space out and think of terrible, horrible things. Everythime Id put him in the car, I think, How would I feel if the car rolled over on him? I would have nightmares, Id be afraid to take him out. Not because I was afraid for his safety, but b./c everything that I encountered in a normal outting, would turn into a grandiose fantasy about how it could hurt him. Id cry all the time, I was mad at everyone, I would sometimes just watch him cry and Id go numb. Id just watch him and think, "how dare you cry, after everything i have done to get you here...you hate me dont you."  And of course I loved him very much. It was like I had two personalities. The real me, and then the secret me. Sad, overwhelmed, scared, obsessed, spacey, wild imagination. I talked to my doc and told her everything. Even the thoughts about the car rolling over on my son. She said that it was PERFECtly normal. And that it would pass. She said that sometimes women even think about ...what if I abused my child? Well, it did pass. I didnt need any meds or anything. A nice stiff drink maybe, buts thats about it lol.

[Crritter]

I know it's normal to have this, but it's a sign of ppd which is normal but can be serious.  Anytime you have thoughts or harming yourself or your baby, you need to be concerned and call your Dr.  I had 2 very colicky babies and they both have had health problems.  I would be up all night till 5 am with a screaming child.  My Dr. had me check in to be sure I was okay, she was worried because of what I was going through I was at risk.  I was pretty stressed, but it got better.  The ped office would call and check in on me too, which was really nice.  Of course we were in weekly with both of them because of their health issues.   I never had any thoughts like this though, but did cry alot.  Just be careful and talk to your Dr.

[pertykitty]

it is good to be able to openly talk about this, i have had thoughts of things happening, not necessarily me doing things, but i understand what you are talking about.  i would talk to your dr about this, maybe it will pass and everything will be just fine, or maybe you need a small dose of meds to help you get through it.  remember, we are human and have imperfect thoughts and feelings and admitting them is the best thing you can do.  if you ever feel as though you might do something, put your baby in the crib and get a neighbor , anyone to come help you.  we are here for you! you are not alone.

[CYW]

thank you again so much ladies...i finally talked to my mom about everything and she said it was perfectly normal...she admitted to crying too just like me and wanting to throw me off a bridge-she was scared, you know all the new emotions...she said that because when my son was born i was so busy and i never really experienced baby blues that this is what im going through...she also said if i would of taken a prenatal class i would of found out that there are moments when you seem to think you have just lost it...she has asked me whether i felt i was unable to care for my child and whether i would really want to hurt him.. and i told her no...he cries im there right away tired or not...hes my son and i love him very much....i wouldnt ever want anything to happen to him..i will call my doc come monday but as my mom said everything i told her she said it was normal and ive finally reached the end...she said that i needed support...either it be from my bf, family, friends etc...but we can say that i dont really have any friends.. she said i also needed to try and get more out of the house.. which i think because of my bf's schedule for the past 2 weeks it was 1-6 then 630-230 then bed till like 1130 etc repeat i was always alone not talking to anyone...she said that someone would tell me that its perfectly normal too and that a nurse would visit if i wanted to...my bf i spoke to him about it tonight and he just said lets go get you pills...on average i am happy just i finished my period tuesday too and my mom said that could of affected it too...but like i said i am still going to speak to my dr about it...so it was really nice to hear from my mom that she too had been exactly where i had been...and hearing from my dad...she said that after she had her m/c when i was 2 and a half she m/c at 13 weeks and she said the dr told her she had a tilted uterus..i told her about heart shaped uterus and she said oh well now that you say that...when my son cries i have never felt like this which is a good sign my mom also said.. and as my dad stated..your body just underwent a great deal of shock..he wanted to come and get me and my son tonight to bring me home at least until xmas to juss help...but all in all my mom is going to be coming up on the 22nd to come get me and let me a rest a bit before xmas because it will be hectic...i am soo happy i found this site...i was so scared of posting here thouht i would be judged and everyone would agree i was such a horrible mother and a horrible person...it surely is nice to know i am not alone...i am a strong person i think i can pull through this with support from those around me and you guys its awesome.. as perty said the first step was talking about it.. and as difficult as it was im happy...now i can only begin to get the help i need.. thank you