marital discord post miscarriage- anyone else?

Well now I am almost 1 week post miscarriage/DNC.  I think I have actually been coping pretty well.  I have cried, felt dizzy and tired, but worked some and seen friends and done the best I can.  I've noticed that whenever he's home this week my husband is super busy and task oriented ALL the time.  This weekend I asked him to please come home from errands and spend time w/ me, just watching a video or someting- I felt sad and he'd been SO busy all week.  I wanted to grieve together a little, even if in silence.  He got furious at me because I changed my mind that it was okay w/ me for him to go out and now I wanted company and for him to come home.  Since our fight has called me a "liar" and "irrational" and a "baby" because I have been upset and not as independent as usual and changed my mind and got a little (truly a little) irritable wanting him to come home.  It feels awful.  HIs anger is so intense.  We love each other a lot and have a deep bond but HE is acting kind of nuts and it is terrible to be being blamed and treated so harshly when I am still grieving and hormonal.  I feel like he's taking his disappointment out on me.  He was good at the actual procedure and very loving- now he's like a  hurricane.  I am setting up a counseling app't for us.  But I feel resentful that he is falling apart and being such a baby when I am the one bleeding.  ANy others having marital issues post miscarriage???  THANKS

[nurse12hr]

maggles,
my heart goes out to you.  While I can't condone or really even explain why your husband is acting this way, here the first thought that crossed my mind.

It sounds to me like your husband is angry--but not at you, at the situation.  My husband is the exact same way.  He will get very angry when something sad happens, and takes it out on anyone and anything in his way.  And he will trivialize my feelings sometimes, when I am sad.  

I have learned not to expect a whole lot from him in the way of ongoing support.  He will initially be very caring, but I go to friends and family after that.  We have been married quite a while, and I have learned that this is just the way he is.  

I don't know what really is the deal with your DH (that means, Dear Husband or feel free to substitute whatever strikes you!), but counseling is a good step.  My husband never said a word in counseling, though.  Sigh.

i hope that everything is ok.  I care, and I hope that you heal over time.

[heather2003]

Maggles,

I don't know what you're going through.. And Christie had some good insight...
But some other considerations..

1. He may want to grieve but feels guilty (afterall, he's not the one in physical distress).. Maybe he feels like he can't relate to you right now.

2. Maybe he just wants to move on quickly and feels you're dwelling.

3. Maybe he wants to "run away" from it.

4. He may simply get depressed around you.

... Not that any of this would be your fault.. It's neither of your faults.  But it is important to get down to the heart of the matter- how each of you really feels about this.

Have you discussed with him the normal grieving process and how he's gone / going through it?  Does he feel guilty, angry, disappointed, cheated, maybe relieved...?  These are all very normal possibilities.

Of course, if he simply does not want to talk about it.. Try not to push it... He will in his own time, hopefully.

Many couples have trouble after a child's death, and I imagine miscarriages are similar... The divorce rates are much higher, for instance, among couples after losing a child to sids or other problems....   There may be underlying tensions between you- blaming, etc. that need to be talked over.

I wish you the best... And if he'll open up w/ a counselor, go for it!

Take care, and let us know.
-Heather

[silo]

I know how you all feel.  I had a miscarriage and D&C about 12 days ago and have experienced a little less than perfect situations with my husband. He seems so detached and insensitive about the whole thing.  He trys to comfort me, but  I think he has no idea how to react.  I've been so up and down emotionally and it's almost like when I have one of my meltdowns I feel like he's probably saying "Oh, damn, here she goes again"  I think it's hard because we are so much more affected due to hormones being so screwed up that it's frustrating to see them so not emotional while we are so emotionally out of control.  I just keep telling myself that in time I know I'll heal especially after my hormones level out. AND that it's not fair to expect him to be affected in the same ways that I am.  There's no way that a man is ever going to go through the same feelings as we do after a m/c mainly because we're just made different. Sucks huh?  Well I wish you all good luck

[mammamoose]

Dear Maggles
You are not alone. Your Husband is behaving in a typical way just like an ex of mine.
A similar thing happened to me 15 years ago.
I think he is keeping busy to take his mind off the situation and by distancing himself he doesn

[maggles]

Thank you so much for all of your support.  It feels good to connect with others "out there" in the world.  I appreciate all of your kind words.  Things are getting better around here.  My husband wrote me a sincere apology letter for the mean things he said during our fight, and he brought me roses.  I still feel pretty hurt and distant from him (although I am acting like a grown up, not punishing him) because I was not acting out of line and yet he took so much anger out on me.  I feel it really is a wound in our relationship that he blew up like that at such a vulnerable time for me, and I won't get over it quickly.  The issue to me is less the specific things he said as that he couldn't/didn't control himself and was mean and rejecting for TWO DAYS in the same week as my miscarriage.  We are going to see someone, and he will talk which is a good thing about him, he will work on himself.  There are lots of good things about him as a husband, but he has always had a destructive temper and I have told him he has to get in control of this- I'm not going to put up w/ tantrums like this against me.  Life is too short, this is not how we should be spending our time. It's hard for us women being close to and depending on men emotionally because they don't get A LOT of things that we understand and can deal with.  Meantime I am taking the best care of myself I can.  They are running more tests now based on the "pathology" from the D&C to make sure it's not ectopic and they got everything.  What a week from hell.  THANKS TO ALL and best of luck to all of you!