mother in law dilema (PLEASE HELP) sorry if it's long

I don't even know where to start. I have a 4yr old and when she was born my mother in law took over as if she was her mother. I felt so left out that I got really depressed. I know that grandmothers are very caring but she got really far. I got to the point of almost leaving my husband because of her. Just in case you ladies are wondering if we live in the same house the answer is no we live next to her a duplex. Anyways she wouldn't let me do things with the baby I mean she just wanted to be more than a grandmother finally, I put my foot down and I started to be very hostile with her and I guess she got the message so she backed out for a while but didn't last. I also understand when your own mom or mother in law gives you an advice you have to be nice and take that advice but sometimes the advices that she would give me would be wrong so I would try to tell her in a nice way that she is not my babies doctor and that the only person I listen to is to my babies doctor. Now to the point I just wanted to give a quick explanation of what I went through 4 yrs ago. So now I have a set of twin girls and I said to myself I will put my foot down this time around I don't want her to do the samething she did with my 4yr old. I don't know if I am being selfish but I'm kinda of trying to keep my distance from her I try not to let her get to close to the girls. She has already said things that have gotten me upset for example if the baby is crying for some reason and for some reason she quiets down with my in law is holding her she'll be like "oh you see you gotta sing to her so she can calm down, I sometimes give her a not so friendly response like "your not the only one that can sing to the baby. I also sing to her. I mean sometimes she makes me feel like if I was stupid or something and it's really pissing me off, I mean if I start explaining everything that she does I will never finish. this  are just somethings that she has done. And imagine this is just the beginning since the girls are only 1 month and 1wk old. What I sometimes do is lock my door that crosses from my side to hers kinda of to give myself privacy with the girls. When the girls are in a good mood I take them outside to spend time with my in laws but I see that she wants to do the samething she did with my 4 yr old. I really need some advice I know it may sound as if I am being mean but you have to see the way she has treated me. What can I do???? PLEASE HELP I've tried talking to my hubby but he thinks that I don't like his mom so I just stopped mentioning it to him.

[mommakaz]

wow x im in the same boat as you x i wont mention 2 much of my story as i could fill pages x my partners mum has been a control freak since day1 x when i was pregnant she wasnt interested but as due date was approaching she took over and decorated the nursery in winnie the pooh which i hate and i know it was a gift but i chose beiges and browns and her response was oh i couldnt find any nursery things in that colour x i couldnt belive the ******** coming out of her mouth x she only decorated it because she wanted to do it winnie the pooh when my fiance was a baby and she couldnt x she was round all the time and taking over ,telling me what i should and shouldnt be doing x she made me feel like i was a stupid crappy mother who didnt have a clue x my fiance never noticed and let his mum take over x 2 years later she always tries to do things with my daughter before we do x my mum came back from the canaries for a week last year and baught my daughter her first pair of clarkes shoes for her first birthday and you should of seen her face x questioning me ..."oh you know that her feet need 2 be measured properly otherwise she will walk funny for the rest of her life" x that was it x id had enough x i told her i am lily-maes mother x im not stupid x i may be i first time mum but i know that my own daughters feet need 2 be measured properly and she needs to back off x theres giving advise and theres taking over and she crosses the line big time x shes still telling me some things i need to be doing but i never respond to her or i'll say in my own time x or when i feel MY daughter is ready x i told my fiance that id had enough and she made me feel stupid x and he did tell her that it was upsetting me x like you said its fine for a while but then returns to controlling again x thats one mistake im not going to let happen when we have baby no2 x you need to explain to her that your not silly and to stop comparing her mothering skills to yours and to be a normal grandparent who pops over once in a while x tell her you need to be told your doing a great job as a mother not alternatives to what you are doing xxxxx

[spade22]

Yikes.  I would definitely get ALL family members together (husband, MIH etc.) and discuss your concerns and lay some ground rules - you need to make sure EVERYONE gets information about how to be on the same page and what is, and what isnt, acceptable.  Also make it known what consequences might result if these aren't adhered too .

Another option is to move so there is a spatial distance between you.  In that way, visits will have to be organized before hand and your MIL will have less control.

[CYW]

wow i too have a monster in law for a mil...lol shs so horrible as well as having asked me while in hard labour if i was having fun.....who the f*&^ does that??? she has threatened to take my baby away sooo many times..the whole time during my pregnancy i cried and cried from alot of the horrible things she told me...calling me stupid saying because im young i shouldnt be a mother..i dont know what im doing...im learning...regardless age..least im not the one who will rip my ds's blanket over his carseat in winter blowing winds and snow to try and show her friends...ive gotten mad and just said watch it...she had her son at 36 or so...she says my parents were young and stupid when they had me...they were 22 and 24...just these horrible things...so i know what u mean but im too nice to stick up for myself..and like u my bfthinks i hate her and in a way yes ecause she is rude to me...ds always cries around her...i wonder why

[Jame0223]

Did you say your babies are a month and a week!? How is that possible?

[Jame0223]

Oh wait..ahah I feel dumb. You mean theyre BOTH a 1 mo 1 wk old...duh.. Never mind me!

I even spelt tazz wrong...sorry ignore me!

But about the post..I dont think theres anything wrong with you spacing yourself from her. My mom had my brother when she was 19 and they lived with my dads parents. My grandma (her mil) would try n take over too. She would give him whatever he wanted and instruct my mom on how to do things, as if my mom didnt know. She wouldnt dicipline him sometimes...and it really erked my mother. My brother was such a lil brat for the longest time. He was just MEAN...to me too. My mom didnt let her do that stuff with me and I was the best kid! lol I never got into trouble or hit or anything. I never had to be diciplined because my brother did it himself. He slapped me across the face, and kicked me and everything. I cant help but think it happened because of my grandma. Now I'm 19 and my brother is 22 so were past that and were both doing well..Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years, which Im very proud of..but my brother still hasnt even had a girlfriend. Hes very shy and self conscious. I feel bad for him, but I cant help but wonder if its because of my grandmothers interferance. Ive never had any problem socializing but my brother never had too many friends...Im not saying that my grandmas role screwed my brother up but I wonder why he's the way he is now.

[JoyRenee]

Alright, girlfriend, I'm going to lay the law down now... she has no right to step in and parent your children and you, as their mother, need to step up and tell that woman to back off. She needs to be the grandparent, not the mother. The only way that will happen is if you sit her down and tell her point-blank (no beating around the bush) that she needs to step off your toes and let you be their mother.

Your husband needs to stop defending his Momma and he needs to start defending his wife. I had this issue with my man in the beginning of our relationship and he now knows that I don't hate his mom (I love her very much, actually) but we sometimes have our differences. You have to sit him down and tell him how much you appreciate his parents, but that they are overstepping a boundry that is making you bristle.

You have to protect your babies and you're the only one who can be your voice. I know that if someone did this to me, I'd probably get in a nasty fight. If she keeps giving you unsolicitated advice, just nod, smile and say, "That's wonderful advice, but I listen to their doctor" and leave it at that. Then let her know, "If you cannot abide by MY rules, you cannot see your grandchildren."

Harsh, I know, but obviously this woman needs someone to be very blunt with her.

[Agiesmom]

Unless she is being MEAN and calling you stupid and threatening to take your babies or you are being mean to her, I think you have a chance to work through this--a talk is definitely in order, though.

I do have to say something in her defense (and in defense of other grandmas).  Back when they had their first babies, there was no Internet and they didn't do lots of research on child-rearing--they turned willingly to their mothers and mothers-in-law as the experts for guidance (like generations did before them).  Sometimes I think my mom is offended when I disagree with her parenting suggestions, but she has also told me that she's amazed at how much I know and how informed I am about babies, children, and child-rearing.  She told me that she had NO clue what to do with me when I was born and her mother took over all the time, but she truly APPRECIATED it.  (And she got advice that seems crazy by today's standards.)  And my grandma lived within walking distance to us an I saw her pretty much every day--it was really like I had two mothers.

So, please consider that this may really just be what your mil thinks is her rule as a loving mil and grandma.  And she probably is expecting appreciation from you and may be feeling hurt that you don't receive her "help" well.  Maybe mention the above to her (about how things used to be) and explain that you do a lot of research and trust your pediatrician and while you love that she wants to help and you know that she has done a wonderful job raising the terrific man you married, her help comes across to you as implying you don't know what you're doing--it makes you feel bad, and hurt, and frustrated at times and you want to have a good relationship with her.

Remember...how things work out and how she responds to this depends on how nicely you put it when you talk to her.  Don't put her on the defense.  And you don't want to put your husband in the middle.  You'd feel awful one day if one of your daughter's husbands came between you and your daughter.  You can turn this around for everyone.

Best of luck to you!

[Cheyenne_08]

Mike's mom can be the same way...but she has her reasons. Mike's brother pretty much lets his mom raise his two girls, since he is not with either of their mom's. She runs the show, makes decisions, takes the girls to the doctor...all that stuff. I basically told her to back off when I was about 15 weeks pregnant because she had the nerve to tell me that she should have an opinion as to what we named our son. I told her that she was not his mother and she could be involved but she was NOT going to make the decisions. It was odd for her to have someone stand up to her, but she pretty much keeps her mouth shut because she knows I won't stand for it. Sorry, that is no help but the only thing I can tell her is that she is not their mother, you are not stupid, and she can back off.

[tazz00057]

I wasn't sure about posting this question but I'm glad I did because I feel much better with the advices that you ladies have given me. Thank You so much I really do feel much better I thought I was alone.

[decogrl]

Okay.....imagine having your mother in law live with you, she doesn't speak English, is deaf on top of that and does HER own thing with the baby.  DH gets mad at me too that I don't like his parents ---not that they just are sooo different and are more of a burden to me then help (there is no such thing as privacy either--DH and I have to sit with them even at night watching TV--now I just leave the room).  In their culture the woman is the servant, cook, maid, etc.  Well with being in school, selling our house, and working part time, it is NOT going to happen.

Mother in law does everything she did with her kids a million years ago.  Times have changed and so has doctors advice.  I am also concerned because I know she hit her kids and I will be damned if she wacks mine.  I made it very clear and she keeps telling me I need to discipline my child.  I know what she means (hit) and I WILL not do that.  I am at the point that if she feels my child is too much for her then I will be more than happy to put her in daycare.  It is hard when you love your husband but want to slap them upside the head for always siding with their parents.  My husband is the only communicator for them and if I could communicate they would get an earful.

[saj39]

I have not been in your situation, I can tell you first hand that my sister went through and is still going through a situation much like yours if not worse. The one piece of advise I will give you before I tell you her story is: Deal with it now!!!!! Don't let her continue to take charge and make you feel as though you are doing anything wrong!! My sister and her 15 yr old do not have a healthy relationship at all b/c of the damage her mother in law did. My sister married an only child and his prents both were only children. When my sister had her baby, she had to return back to work and so her mother in law kept the baby. Because of the way she took over and always downed my sister and told her how she was doing everything wrong,well she (the mother in law) was the one to bond with the baby not her. She kept interferring and making my sister feel inadequate. My sister did finally quit work to stay home with my niece but by then she was so spoiled by her grandmother the damage was done. At a very young age my sister felt her daughter needed counseling and she thought her husband and herself did as well. But her husband and the mother in law said no way that it would go on her school record and that would hurt her. To give you a look at how obsessed her MIL can be, she would insist on taking my niece on vacation with her evry year and would come over to my sister pick out her clothes and then take the already clean clothes home rewash dry and fold them and pack them herself. My sister went on to have another daughter whom the mother in law wouldn't dare do half the stuff the does for the first granchild. No disneyland vacations or extras for this kid, b/c My oldest niece should have been an only child so the MIL thought. She insists on buying her clothes, all of them wheather my sister has already done so or not. I do find fault in that my sister should have dealt with this years ago, but her MIL just constantly put her done somuch I guess she felt she couldn't do anything about it. I am sorry this is so long and believe me there is so much actually toomuch to say about what she has done, but botom line....STOP it now.........

[lovefamily]

The bad thing about this is she makes you feel like you have to justify yourself as a mother.  Since you gave birth and they are yours you never need to feel insecure about your role as Mommy or around her.  Point blank....Hubbie needs to have your back and it would be even better if he would tell her to back off.  She will always love her son and accept him.  When it comes to the daughter in law she will tolerate you.  Don't allow yourself to be the bad guy in this relationship, your hubbie needs to step up to the plate and be the head of the house and protect his family even if it is his mommy (sorry if it sounds caveman).  But in all of this remember too that she loves your children and I am sure she wants nothing but the best for them.  Try to find a happy medium without being nasty.  Try to keep peace for the children.