need some advice

Ok, I am not currently preg. or trying to just yet, and really nothing to do with either.  My problem is my sister-in-law.  Here's the deal, my brother died 2 1/2 yrs ago in an accident, leaving behind his soon to be wife and daughter at the time 14 months.  This girl is a piece of work and as manipulating and deceitful as they come.  She has been living off my paretns since his death, and using the baby to get her way.  My Mom has pretty much been raising this child and providing for her while the mom flakes in and out.  well, my dh got a hair up hi a** and decided he wanted to help her out, not really realizing her character.  So, for the last two months she has been living with us, her poor dd not sure what to do with out nana and pop pop.  Doesn't fully understand where her daddy is and why mommy doesn't come home at night.  My mom has enabled her for too long and I refuse to.  She gets $900. a month in SS and blows it like water, on herself and her drinking and her new bf.  She has been here for 2 months and has saved nothing to get a place.  She had a job and got fired and is lying about it, she doesn't know i know yet.  She has managed to blow through $1800.00 over a 38 day period, not to mention what ever she was making at work.  I am so mad i could burst.  Is anyone familair laws regarding children and families and how you go about proving one to be unfit?  I am so baffled by her behavior.  She is 27.  i am 32 abd I have 3 children, raised two of them on my own for 8 years before getting remarried.  I don't understand the neglectful, thoughtless behavior.  Any suggetstions?

[RockRose]

I think you probably need to consider what your goal is.

Is it your final goal to find the mother unfit and get custody of the little girl?

[ginmomof3]

Yes, i would like to gain custody of the child.  i am so tired of her mother getting all the benifits and not providing a stable life for this little girl.  She is the disney world mother.  She gets the benefits of fun times, but not having to mother or discipline her child.  Not only that, she is spending the money provided to raise this child in manors not conductive to rasing a child.  It is for her own selfish needs.  I am so over it all and watching this little girl hurt.  Not to mention she is the last living part of my brother.  I have tried to talk to her mom about being there for her more, but she just woin't do it.  I know it will take a lot to prove her unfit, i am just not sure how much.  It just makes me sad to see my niece hurting.. She is aware that my kids never have to ask where is mom or dad.  She is starting to regress, i think it has to do with my youngest dd who is 15 monthws.  i am ready to take on the responsibility of her but trying to figure out a way to do it without it being too dramatic to her.  She is already used to the idea of mom not being there.  mom only hangs around for the money.  She is not an active participating mom, when she is home, at my house with her dd, i am the one feeding her and dressing her and giving her my time, not mom.  She is laying in bed every chance she gets because she is sick ot over tired from partying. I do want the child, she deserves a chance at life and at a good one.

[ginmomof3]

also, I live in Fl, i am aware of some of the laws as I did have custody of another child for a while.  We decided her biological aunt was the best means of provision and safety at the time.  I was at that time a single mom of 2 ages 4 and 7 so it was difficult but this time I am ready and it is my niece.  I don't want to hurt her, but can't stand watching mom not meeting her needs.

[over40club]

My advice is to Document everything!!! Get an attorney!! You need solid legal advice....A reputable attorney can tell you if you stand a chance...I feel for you and the girl...Good luck and God bless..remember you are probably the only stable force in the chil's life....your mom may have put up with the mom in order to give the poor little girl a chance at a stable home...it is an unfortunate fact that free loders in this country seem to get all the breaks...I sincerely hope that this works out for you and esp. the little girl...I don;t have a lot of faith in the legal system but in the end remember the little girl's future is at stake here. I pray you won't have to put up with the mom to help the girl!! Any chance that the mom is on drugs? If she is and you can prove it that would cinch the deal...again good luck!

[ginmomof3]

thank you for the advice, i am keeping a journal of her commings and goings.  not sure bout the drugs, but do know drinking is a problem for her.  My only concern is giving this little girl a shot at life.  With Gods help it will work out for the good of all involved.  All prayers neede to break the cycle here.

Thanks again and God Bless

[peekawho]

Why is your husband so bent on wanting this girl (who is NOT your sister in law if she and your brother were not married before his death, right?) to live in your house?  I can see keeping in close contact with her, in order to help the child, but to live in your house?  Did I misunderstand that part? (I'm old, and it's very possible I did).

The girl is no relation to either of you.  She is simply the mother of your niece, correct?  

I agree with others.  Document and get a lawyer if you want to help the child.  

You can help the child without the mother living in your home.  This could get very complicated and ugly if she lives with you.  

Also, if you are providing her with a comfortable place to live without responsibilities, she'll never see a need to ACT responsibly.  If she had to keep her own roof over her own head, she might try harder.  If not, then you would have that much more ammo to seek custody.  As it is now, she's pretty much on easy street.  You guys are doing what SHE should be--providing her daughter with a home.  

You say you refuse to enable her.  By giving her a place to sleep and eat without any of the responsibilities involved in having her own place, you are doing EXACTLY that.  

Document, get a lawyer, kick her a@@ to the curb.  Offer to keep your niece "while she gets on her feet".  You may be lucky and never see the girlfriend again.  

[ginmomof3]

My Dh thought I would want that so i could be closer to my niece and know she was taken care of.  I have been documenting and she is leaving this week.  I, for the first time tried to give her a chance to prove me wrong, but she has not, so I am done with her.  She has no money and just got fired and thinks i don't know about either of the situations, she is in for an awakening with me.  I am not my mom and she will not use the baby as her pawn to free load from me.  I really don't care where she goes to live, but it will not be in my home any longer.  I tried to warn my dh that i don't think she'll get better, and now he regrets having her here.  he is out of town working and also thought maybe it would help me.  WRONG!!!!  He was just trying to be helpful, he really had no idea how bad it can be with her until now.

[over40club]

Is she taking the girl? Hopefully not, yes I agree with another poster...offer to keep the girl...she may not show up and her leaving the girl with you will give you ammo you need later in court....Let's hope she will leave the girl with ya'll...then take steps for custody...Good Luck

[ginmomof3]

That is what i am hoping for.  If she does taker her, she will still need to babysit, and given her history, she won't show up after work to pick her up or call.  Well, we are having the discussion tonight, I am nervous for my niece, but enough is enough. Thanks everyone, will keep ya posted.

[lawgirl17]

It depends on the state, but most states are not very inclined to take a child away from their parents. My husband and I cared for my cousin's baby from birth until the day before her first birthday when she was placed with her biological father, a felony rapist. Ohio law for one is very parent-friendly and works hard to reunify biological families no matter what the parents have done. In this situation, the mother was in a residential facility for the felony rape conviction and the father was released into his parent's care after trial for the felony rape conviction. Both parents were minors (conceived when 15 and 16 and the child was born when they were 16 and 17). The mother left the father's name off the birth certificate intentionally so he could never have custody, but while she was still in the residential facility, guess who got custody despite my husband and I having an excellent attorney and a lot of great case law to support our position.

My recommendation as a first step would be to talk to her about allowing you to adopt her child. Lay it out in a very beneficial way to her about all of the money she will save on the child, how you will be emotionally, mentally, financially responsibile for the child, how you will allow the relationship between her and her child to remain open so that her daughter knows this woman as her biological parent, but that you feel like you could really help both her and her daughter by offering this, so you wanted to run it by her.

I wish you the best. Caring for someone else's child is an incredible thing although it can be an emotional roller coaster. I miss the little girl we cared for (she just moved out 3.5 weeks ago), but it was an incredible year and I wish you the best if you and your husband choose to move forward with this.

[ginmomof3]

I know it can be tough situation to win.  I am sorry to hear about your cousins baby.  I know when i had custody of my cousins baby, she needed to a lot of work to get her back, well 4 years later she has been adopted by another cousin.  I would have kept her, but at that time it was too risky with her mom knowing where i live, but good news she never got the baby back or any parental rights.  

As for my nieces mother, she would not go for that idea because then she would not get ss she gets for my niece.  $900.00 a month.  that is why she hangs around just enough.  I thought about trying that, but I know it would not work.  

Thanks for your input, it's gonna be tough but can be done.  

[Crritter]

Good luck tonight.  What a tough situation.  You can always call social services, but I agree, document these things.  This little girl is lucky to have family looking out for her.  At least you have her best interest in mind, even if her mom doesn't.  How sad for you all ot have to go through this.  Just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking happy thoughts for you.