open forum

Hi ladies I have a question. I attended a shower 4 weeks ago and the wedding is in 4 weeks. Well, the bride still has not sent out thank you notes. With the wedding in 4 weeks and getting yet another gift, I think no thank you notes is wrong. Many people bought her very, expensive gifts that were over 100.00. What do you all think about this. Am I wrong for feeling offended? My gift was also very generous. Here is another thought. People do not think it is appropriate to give a shower for each baby. Isn't too much to have a wedding shower and then expect a wedding gift again from each guest that already gave you a gift? Just a thought TRese two events were only 8 weeks apart. Oh and this is my nephews future wife. Thank you for your input and feel free to use as an open forum.

[lisa128]

oh and sorry but I forgot they also had an engagement party!! With lots of gifts.

[cugirl]

I dont know where your from...I live in NC.  But I had a shower..a very big shower...and then a big wedding.  But here you only buy one gift (unless you want to buy something else).  You either give a gift at the shower or bring one to the wedding.  Now my cousins in NY have engagement parties, showers and then you usually give money at the wedding.  My mom read an etiquite (sp?) book during my engagement and you have a year to send out thank you cards to the people that bought you a gift.  Alot of people here wait until after the wedding to send out thank yous because they will send out pictures too.  My shower was in Sept. but I had all my thanks you sent out before my wedding in Dec.  Then with Christmas cards and thanks you from wedding presents I sent out pictures.  The only people that actually got me shower gifts and wedding gifts was my relatives from NY.  They gave me gifts at my shower for where I was registered then for wedding gifts they all gave me at least $100 per couple.

[lawgirl17]

I believe that you give gifts to GIVE, not to receive a thank you note. I am sure many would share your feeling, but if her wedding is only weeks away, her life is completely chaotic right now, and I highly doubt that she has time for thank you notes. Additionally, it is considered proper to send the notes within ONE YEAR of receiving the gift.
There was a baby shower in June for the baby that my husband and I care for. Unfortunately, with the litigation, completing law school, work, caring for the child, etc., I haven't had time to complete the thank you notes. Whenever I tell people that I feel badly that I haven't sent them out yet, they remind me that I have a year and that I am not required to send the notes in the first place. Valid point, but I still feel like people have been so incredible toward us that I need to send them. However, certain things must take priority in our lives.
Don't be so hard on the bride. I can remember the weeks leading up to my wedding; I was about to go insane. Allow her to get past this, get into her new life as a married woman, and allow her to send the thank yous once she gets a chance. I think it is really  high expectation to expect a thank you this quickly. It is not considered faux pas until it is one year past the reception date of the gift (just like it isn't considered faux pas to provide a wedding gift up until one year after the wedding). I think that you should cut her some slack; the poo thing is probably having to make fifteen million decisions each day with all kinds of problems arising.
Additionally, if you disagree with the gift idea of giving a gift at a shower and the wedding, don't do it. The reality is that they are starting a new life together, and it is tradition to help them along. However, if you are only providing a gift to receive a thank you card in return, it would be wiser to refrain from gifting at all. The important thing to realize is that this is about THEM, not YOU. Therefore, if you give a gift at the wedding (or the shower), do it with no expectation. If, however, you hold onto these expectations (i.e. a thank you card), you should refrain from giving a gift because the gift is not from the heart. The pain they will feel from you not giving a gift is much lighter than the pain they would feel if they knew that you were annoyed you hadn't received a thank you card despite the knowledge that the wedding is only weeks away.
I had FIVE bridal showers leading up to my wedding five years ago, and every single person that provided a gift at my showers also provided one at my wedding. They were all so kind! I was so grateful and sent the shower thank you cards prior to the wedding, but it took us three or four months to get all of the wedding thank you cards out (we had 500 people at our wedding). Again, if you aren't giving them a wedding gift out of the goodness of your heart, do not provide it. Just skip this gift since you did the shower gift. About the "thank you" cards, cut her some slack! She is weeks away from her wedding ... don't you remember how you felt leading up to your wedding? My memory is all too clear on this topic ... I refuse to go through that time again. My husband and I always tell each other that if one of us passes away, the other will elope in the future instead of going through a regular wedding again!
Best wishes. Try to remember that this process isn't about YOU ... focus on them and the journey that they are about to embark on. Have a great day!

[cugirl]

I was also in school when I got married so it was even harder for me to send out thank you notes.  But I had them done by Christmas...but lawgirl you are right...you are giving a gift to give...not for  a thank you note (although the thought is nice if they send you one).  
I had two baby showers in Sept and Im due November 1st.  I have not yet done thank you notes since I gave out small picture frames as gifts.  I am going to enclose a picture of the baby with all my thank yous and it saves on stamps!  I have about 100 thank yous to do...so imagine writing all those and sending them out only to turn around and send out pictures?  Thats alot of money right there!  As if almost $40 for stamps isnt enough ...imagine having to pay $80! Thats $40 you can spend on diapers..lol!

[lisa128]

thank you for your input but, since I am their Aunt I know that she certainly has some time on her hands , I would not be so disturbed if she wasn't as materialistic as she is. I watched her at her shower and she acted as if she was owed all of this stuff. It would be different if she seemed appreciative. You should have seen her registry. I don't want to get into all that, but she is very materialistic! I love giving people things and it does come from my heart. I love giving when the person actually appreciates when someone does something nice for them. The story is much too long but, this is not the kind of person I am dealing with. I am not being self centered. I didn't even get a thank you at the shower.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Then don't give anymore. Gift giving should be a joy for the giver as well as the receiver.  

[oceans3]

i dont know if someone mentioned this or not (i didnt read all of the posts). i read that the bride/groom have up to a year to get those thank you notes out. i agree, its rude. my friend and i went to her ex husbands wedding last october (yes, strange/akward i know). she is so offended there was no thank you note sent out and still gripes about it. i keep telling her they have a year but their "time" is almost up.
some people just are not as thoughtful as we'd like them to be.
not only that, but it lets us know they received it and nothing happened.

[Jules_za]

Well said Lawgirl.  

I give with the assumption of a thank you, nothing more is needed.  I am invited because you feel I am important, I go because you are important, I buy because you are special. No thanks needed.

[Momoftwogirls]

I think your idea is great!  But I think the MOST important thing is that you show that you appreciate the shower - whether that is with a gift for her or her kids or if it is just a very heartfelt thank you note - just so she knows how much you appreciate it. Have a fun shower!!!

[JJety]

Not sending thank you notes is in poor taste.  It's common courtesy to thank someone for a gift.  I felt incredibly flattered that people spent so much of their hard earned money on us and I wanted to tell them so.  

My thank you notes for my showers were mailed within a few days after the shower.  The wedding took a bit longer because we were away on our honeymoon and there were a lot more to complete.

[lisa128]

I agree with you!!! I try to get mine out right away. Make time!

[cugirl]

Thats what I hated about having 4 baby showers! I dont want people to feel like the have to buy me something because I certainly dont think they owe me something.  Dont get me wrong I love opening gifts and Im very appreciative of them.  But I had a shower from my NY family, my hubbys side of the family, my family and church, and coworkers.  I had such a hard time with the showers from my hubbys family and the one with my family because I wanted to invite my hubbys mom and grandparents, but I didnt want them to think I was being stingy and wanting 2 gifts...I just thought it was nice that our parents and grandparents were there.  I didnt even want a shower at work (even though it was just a diaper and wipes shower) because one of the girls dont have alot of money and I didnt want everyone to think Oh I have to get her something.  At the shower the girl told me that she would buy the baby something after she got her next check...but I told her not to worry about it.  I told her I knew how it was and I totally understood and I didnt want her to be short on cash because she thought she had to buy the baby something.

[galjazzy]

No need to waste our time on this. Just give if you feel like giving if not, don't give. These feelings are no good for your health!