open forum...male vs. female sterilization

the bf and i have been talking about our possible next child.. we are agreeing to wait 3-5 years before beginning to try  but it could be a little more than 5 years we will see as things go with finances, life etc...anywho, I keep telling him that while I will be going through my 6 week pp break he should get fixed once that baby would be born because we have agreed we only want 2 (unless we get another boy THEN...MAYBE and thats a BIG maybe...we will try for another or so...) anyways I keep telling him that he should be the one getting fixed because I will have went through giving birth twice or three times etc...and that it just makes up the difference.. well technically it doesn't we deal; with more pain.. the 9 months the labour the birth..our hormones etc.. I mean if i'd ever get a c-section then that's different but if not..then why shouldn't he do it??? I see it as only being fair to us woman...my uncle works for transports and drives them etc and he was at work the day after the surgery or the day after that..i cant remember but i know it was either the next day or the day after the next day and he was on light duty.. climbing in and out of his transport..however doing it carefully.. not just jumping.. and then we have my bf's friend he was 2 days sore same thing...and then this guy he works with they have a sitting on the butt job at work and you can wear track pants and he took 2 weeks off work..

what do you all think..should the man or the woman get fixed after they have decided they do not want anymore children.. what are your reasons..pros cons.. experience??? stories???thanks alot

[alikat1205]

im' with you, i think the man should do it.  it's only right since the woman does all the other physical work of bringing a child into the world and i think they should share the burden.

[Crritter]

Wow, you are already thinking about that?  I have decided when I'm done I want to get my tubes tied, I figure they can do it when I am in the hospital, some of my friends have had it done.  Your uterus is higher up after birth so they can go right by the belly button.  My sis said hers hurt quite a bit, she had a C-section with all 3 but said the tube tying was rough.  I figure maybe I'll get some pain meds if they tie my tubes, and I'll be feeling rough anyway.  My poor husband doesn't handle pain well and would milk it out.  I could not handle 3 kids, feeling bad, and having to cater to him.  I get your point on it though.  I know pregnancy and birth are hard, but I enjoyed most of it and feeling the baby move around and then finally getting to meet each one was worth it all, so I didn't mind all it took to get there.  I think if you can get your bf on board then good for you though.  I still don't feel done yet, I hope I know when I am.

[AndiJ78]

My husband was adamant he get it done, too many horror stories from women in our lives and the issues they encountered post-tubal. Of course he was a complete wuss when he had it done and swore if it didn't work I was in charge of BC,lol.

[RockRose]

CYW - I think you're thinking way too far ahead!   This is not something to have a disagreement about now - and nail down the details so firmly.  You may decide to have another baby next year,  and another the next,  or you may decide not to have anymore,  or you may decide that in five years you don't want to nail the door shut on another baby.  

I had three c-sections and my husband had a vasectomy,  and it went as well as can be expected,  and it was a good decision.  But I don't think it's worth fighting about right now - and it kind of seems like you're in an argument.  

Best wishes.

[CYW]

thanks ladies.. we have just been discussing wants and future dreams with our child/ren..what we want or dont want and it has come across about the getting fixed issue...just like engagement/wedding.. i want that and he doesnt because he was taught marriage was bullsh*t:S.. sure my parents have been together for 24 yrs in july and just got engaged 5 years ago.. still aren't married.. but i want that someday...I say engagement soon and marriage within 5 years or so... sooner or later see how things go.. i like to have somewhat of a plan.. doesnt mean it will go accordingly but its nice to know where you both stand...i know i just dont want to be taking contraceptives my whole life...

[April2]

Don't forget, it's major surgery for a woman and she has to be put under. It's a simple procedure for a man and they can do it right there in the doctor's office and they don't have to be put under.
Just make sure it's what you really want before getting it done because it's too hard to undo later on down the road.
Best wishes.

[CYW]

technically if it were up to me I'd have 100 babies...200 toddlers...300 kids...you get my drift.. I love kids...hence once we are done having children i would LOVE to adopt/foster children...Give a good life or so try to a child who needs that kind of love and nurture.. I just feel i have SOOOO much to give that I want to spend my time devoting it to children...but keeping in mind having a baby hurts, financially etc

[babyscience]

I totally think it is something you should discuss now...especially if it is important to you.  A man should totally know what they are in for in a relationship and what will be expected from them...whether it be marriage, kids...haha or getting snipped  I would love for my husband to get one once we get to that point...but then I am always worried about the "what if I want more" feelings.  So I think once that my child/ren get older then we will decide if a vasectomy or birth control is for us.

[cantwait4baby]

I am with you 100%, we always have to worry about the BC there is no pill for women and well, condoms just are not for me or him.  We choose the withdrawl (withdrawal) method now knowing we would welcome a 2nd baby with wide open arms BUT after 2nd baby we are done and withdrawl (withdrawal) is not a method I would trust anymore so he is getting snipped.  I did however have a c-section and will again so I may just get it done since everything is right there.  

We will see when the time comes but I am with you 100%.  Women carry all the load until birth betwen periods, cramps, pregnancy, complications in pregnancy, childbirth, recovery - they can do that one little thing.  haha

[AndiJ78]

Everyone with one child, especially a baby, thinks they want a million kids. Just wait until you have 2 or 3 and have to try and find enough hours in the day to meet everyone's needs.

Discussing the number of children is good, but that can always change. I swore two and that was it. Turned out I wanted three.

And if it were me, I would demand he either commit to the relationship or move on. I wouldn't ever plan a life with someone who cannot make a solid commitment, bodes bad for all involved.

[CYW]

i agree with what you are saying...see ideally i said during my 6 weeks pp..however maybe a little more time would be required..i think no matter what I will always have that feeling that i will never be done because  the next day after i had ds i was ready to have another one.. if it were up to me in a perfect world i was rich i didnt have to finish school never had to work etc etc etc had a house AND the fact that i knew i wouldnt be induced again would make a whole BIG difference...there are sooo many factors that play in all of this...i always wanted 4 children and people are always saying "oh bet you didnt thin being a parent was this difficult" and right now its not so difficult.. I feel i was well prepared...i feel my education gave me more insight and helped me with being a mother GREATLY!!! I CAN be a parent and I am capable of being a parent but yet a friend to my child..mind you alot of people disagree with that...there are boundaries but I personally feel very well prepared, however I am still frightened because I know what I did as a teenager and I know what my bf did as well and they always say your kids will do twice as bad as you..so I fear...but whatever comes I will still love my babies...I just personally do not want to be 40 and being on birth control...i mean i will probably be between 25-30 by the time we have a second child(depending on how long it takes us)

[AndiJ78]

I think you may be forgetting how many questions and "HELP ME!!!!" posts you have made on here. Prepared and educated are not two words that come to mind. Hopefully the advice you have been given will make you better prepared to handle the daily things with the next one ;-) It is all a learning experience.

[CYW]

he proposed to me before i got pregnant and i said "I need to think about it" and after thinking alot i told him i wasnt ready and when i talk about it..engagement/marriage he says i had my chance...i feel soo horrible because maybe that was my true chance??? maybe one day.. I mean maybe he would just want to catch me off guard? i dont know.. he has been trying to get me to guess his mothers day gift to me and said it goes on my hand and keeps pointing the wedding finger and singing the wedding song BUT i think it would be bad for me to be too hopeful because it would be just too good to be true.. he plans on being with me forever and having a bigger family etc BUT doesnt see the point in marriage.. heck my mom was married at 18 and seperated at 21, divorced at 22-23 and had me at 24...doesntmean because it was horrible for her it will be for me if it ever happened.. if i love someone i find its worth giving it your all and fighting for them etc..even if you need counselling and all

[CYW]

i forgot to add that...if it wouldnt be for having found this site.. definately would have been lost...as many others here probably feel...what i meant by how my education helped me was that i never thought i could be doing this... a mom.. i never wanted to have kids until i was 30 because i didnt know i was capable... but after having studied and worked in my field a bit i realized this was something i wanted more than anything.. to be a mother...i agree it is a learning experience but i mean when it comes to how to treat a child and little things its hard to explain i guess.. i never felt so strong about treating a child the way you want to be treated because i always saw things as im the parents i can over power you etc etc and im the boss you have NO say and what i mean is i dont want to raise my child/ren that way.. i have l;earned alot in some behavioural classes..mind you i dont know everything but ive worked with quite a few children(in my young years) ive always had a way with them...i hope i can do the same with my own...I hope you understand what i mean..

PS I had so many thoughts writting i probably forgot a whole bunch of stuff or its all over the place lol)

[peekawho]

I think I have a very hard time understanding a lot of what you write, unfortunately.  You are a good person and mean well, but you need some time to make any permanent decisions regarding these most important issues in your life.

My advice:  Do nothing permanent for many more years.  About anything.  

[CYW]

Thank you for your positive feedback. I will definately keep and open mind...(p.s I do not plan on making any permanent decision anytime too soon.. it's nice to talk)

[GNicole]

I only have 1 child and I know I don't want a million!

[treazzure007]

my husband and I argue about this all of the time.  I hope yours isnt as chicken as mine.  I think hes just scared of the doctor's office.  I have the mirena IUD that needs to be removed b/c it's making me feel sick as hell.  I was going to get the copper one to replace it, but now Im feeling like all of this is unfair when he should just get himself fixed b/c he already knows Im not having anymore children--EVER.  I think many men are kind of hesitant b/c they feel like it kind of cuts them off from manhood.  Egos....

[deanne11]

I'm surprised at such a young age, you are even talking about it.

My husband and I just spoke about it recently because of my health problems and several losses we experienced.

You both will do what is right when the time comes, and your mind will change 100 more times before you actually do anything I'm sure.

Just as ours has in the few months we have been pondering our circumstance.

[AndiJ78]

One interesting "side effect" my husband experienced after his vasectomy was BETTER orgasms. I tease him it was the psychological part of not hearing "Ummm, honey. I'm pregnant...again"

[CYW]

I'm sure it will...i mean our minds...nothing is written in stone..my main focus right now is my son AND my school.. which i am going to finish in september then once thats out of the way it will be my son and getting a job then my son and a job and so on and so forth...i was mainly curious about what women thought when it came to sterilization when you finally know you are done.. who should be the one to get the snip...

Andi.. I loved what you said.. LOL...I will tell keith that he could have better orgasms when we talk about it next time.. we talk about a WHOLE lot of stuff sometimes..it's wierd how you're constantly learning something new about the person you are with.. I thrive for that and I love it!