potty training

[sstaceyy]

hey guys HELP ME my son is 5 and i cant potty train him he just wont go in the potty he starts kindergarden in Aug. any ideas I dont know what to do Iam about to give up.

[Tanker Chic]

I've never been through it myself so I'm certainly no expert.. but are you sill putting diapers or pull ups on him?  If so, I would stop all of that.  Also have your tried putting cheerios in the toilet and let him have target practice.. i heard that works.  

best of luck..  

[sstaceyy]

nope he is just wearing underwear i just rinse them out when he pottys. I tried them a yr ago and he wondnt go in the potty because there was something in there. so i had to flush them before he would even try to go in the potty.

[April2]

Yeah, you'll have to lose the pull ups if you're still using those. They feel too much like a diaper. I had to use the heavy cloth training pants for my kids. The pull ups never worked. They didn't care if they went in them, but with the cloth ones they don't like being wet. You can get those at BabiesRUs. It's just going to take a good couple of weeks of being able to stay at home and really work with him. Don't try to go to the store, etc. while you're doing this. Start a schedule of putting him on the toilet first thing in the morning, and every couple of hours after that, especially after eating or drinking and right before bedtime.
If that doesn't work you may want to consider taking him to your pediatrician to make sure there's no health reason why he's unable to potty train. Good luck!

[April2]

Sorry, I think we posted at the same time. So do you think he's afraid to use the toilet then? Have you tried rewards like stickers or treats for using the "big boy potty"?

[sstaceyy]

I did a sticker book and that worked for 2 maybe 3 monthes then he lost intrest. I even tryied candy and also toys like from the $ store but that didnt work, i dont know? I dont think he is scared of the toilet cause i have seen him use it, just not as often as he should. I change his clothes & bath him more times then he use the potty. and i have had people tell me its be cause he gets playing and doesny want to stop to go potty but i dont think thats it he could be eating dinner and he will potty in his pants. the dr said its because he still wants to be the baby but Iam not prego theres no one after him.

[have 2 kids]

Have you taken him to the Dr to make sure there isn't a medical problem.  

[sstaceyy]

the dr did a test for infections in his bladder all that came back good. the thing is i think he knows better cause i have seen him use the potty & at school his teacher said he goes potty but at home, grandparents, aunts&uncles houses he pottys in his pants I dont get it.  

[jessbbg]

Hi, stacey---sorry you're having to deal with this!  it must be so frustrating.  It's hard to know what to suggest, not knowing what all you've tried.  The most important thing though is to rule out a medical problem (although a true medical problem causing this type of problem is rare---so the greater likelihood is just what your doctor suggested).  

To further explain what your doctor was suggesting, it's not just being replaced as the baby---it's almost akin to a laziness in ways.  There doesn't have to be a baby on the way that has him wanting to stay the way he is.  He has realized and accepted that it's easier to deal with a little wetness and keep doing whatever he wants, than to stop, take responsibility for his body, and go do what needs to be done.  

Your frustration and the extra work that it causes you do not factor in to him---not that he doesn't love you, he just can't comprehend the ramifications.  Just like he can't comprehend the ramifications of going to kindergarten and wetting his pants (many schools won't let a child enter until he is potty trained, so do check on that!).

I've found that the most successful way to overcome many of the myriad problems encountered by potty training is just deciding it's going to happen, and making it happen.  The number one way to potty train a resistant or difficult child is to just potty train them, not giving them a choice.  i.e., take 3 days off work (or 1 day plus a weekend----or just a block of three days if you are stay-at-home) and cancel all other obligations and just tough it out.  You basically set up camp in the bathroom.  You take the child first every 15 - 30 minutes.  You just don't give an accident a chance to happen.  Depending on the child's particular difficulty or modus operandi, you make adjustments and additions to this approach.  For example, if he doesn't mind wetting his pants because you rinse them out and change his clothes, then don't rinse them out.  Make him stay in them.  

As humans, most of the time when we do things right--whether socially or legally--it's because doing it wrong bears unpleasant consequences.  For example: you don't kill other people because you'll go to jail and/or die if you do.  You don't make up your own alphabet and language because communication would be impossible.  You don't pick your nose in the middle of a conversation because other people would view you as barbaric and disgusting.  

But small children do not yet fully subscribe to this conditioning---even though it is the foundation for all civilized interaction and behavior.  It is something learned.  One of the unpleasant parts of parenting is letting our children experience consequences.  Because we love them and want to protect them, we sometimes try to shield them from healthy consequences too---trying instead to reason with them, hoping they will just listen and believe us.  But this can make teaching certain basic lessons nearly impossible, and worse it can set them up for real difficulty quickly assimilating the more complex lessons of adulthood later in life...

Not meaning to get complicated, but it can just have a not so good effect later in life if we don't let them learn the basic human truths of consequences, cause and effect, etc.  So it's a matter of guiding him through a process of "This is what we do, this is how it's done..." and letting him experience consequences if he doesn't want to go along with it.

Does that make sense?  I hope I'm explaining it right---I'm a little tired and sometimes my brain gets ahead of my fingers.

[sstaceyy]

I got it you did good thank you

[jessbbg]

good!  i'm glad :-)  Just something to consider.  Good luck, and keep us posted!

[luna_mom]

It might not help but my daughter was scared for a while, so one day when i went to target i saw a sesame street video called elmos potty time. i thought id try it and in a few days later my daughter was sitting in her toilet dancing and clapping her hands while she finally peed for the first time, before she wouldnt let go of my shirt if i tried to sit her down. if the toys and stickers arent working out, maybe u should make a silly song about going to the potty or get the video at target, it might help out

[sstaceyy]

i did have a video but bridger doesnt like to watch t.v so its hard to have him watch something that hes not intersted in, but iam sure i could come up with a song.
thats really not a bad idea thank you.

[megmil]

Well you could try making if fun for him. My sister would put cherios in the toilet and have her son aim for them. Or read potty books. That's what I did with my son. We got the royal potty chair and potty books so he felt like a king when he went to the bathroom. He got a sticker when he went in the potty. You should really try the cherrios though. That might really make it fun for him so he wants to use the potty.

[sstaceyy]

thank you all for helping me i was ready to give up!!!!!!

[mum2beagain]

Try (at home) letting him go naked from the waist down, if he has accidents on the floor remind him he isn't to pee/poop on the floor he needs to use the toilet/potty. We had to do this with my oldest son as he just didn't care if he had wet or soiled pants, wasn't so happy about the accidents on the floor though. Now he mostly stays clean and dry but he still never tells us he needs to go, I have to make sure he doesn't go more than 1 hour between using the potty or there are accidents. He is fine at kindergarten because they use the bathroom at hourly intervals. We still have a little trouble with BM's if he is wearing his pants, I have to watch out for signs that he needs to go and make sure I take him to the potty, at home I just remove his pants and underwear and when he is ready to go he does and then asks me to help clean him up.

[sstaceyy]

thats not a bad idea thank you

[wishing4another]

oh man if you are having problems iam scared to start potty training mine he almost 2

[jenkaye21]

I agree with jess's post.  If there is no developmental or medical problem, than there is no excuse.  

I'm having trouble potty training my three year old, so I am going thru this, too.  This may not be a popular statement, but I am not opposed to punishing the child for going in his pants.  My son is super smart and knows exactly what he is doing.  If we are home and he is wearing "big boy pants" he will ask me to put a diaper on him so he can go in it.  If I won't, he goes in his pants (sometimes).  I'm not talking about spanking him or anything, but sitting him on the couch or on a step for a "time out"

Staying home for a weekend/few days sounds like a great idea.  We are away from home 6 nights out of 7 with the older kids' activities, so it is really tough now.  But in the summer when I'm not working and baseball is over, we will go at it hard-core.= )  I am expecting #4 in August, and I would like a break from diapers!!!

Good luck!!

[waitingwithhope]

I had a stubborn child who refused to be trained until the age of four. He knew how to do it but decided he loved diapers. I realized it was a power struggle and left him alone to enjoy the diapers (pull ups) but I did mention that the bus didn't pick up boys with diapers..you had to have underwear on the bus. The excitement of kindergarten, his wanting to ride the bus and his wanting to be like the others in his class all pushed him into learning. In ONE day! I knew he knew how, he just had to make his mind up.

Is your child a twin? Was he a preemie? Either of these things seem to sometimes contribute to a child learning later or hanging onto the baby phase.

[sstaceyy]

see mine is stubborn to he knows what he is doing and i have put him in time out it doesnt work he gets mad and pees his pants cause hes mad. he was 5 wks premature. no hes not a twin him and his brother are 10 and a hafe mos apart.

[jessbbg]

stacey, how is it going?  any luck so far?

[sstaceyy]

no luck at all now my 6yr old is pottying in pants again I give up

[Mumita]

I think a 5 and 6 year old is able to understand right from wrong and he needs to understand consequences of his actions.
Being direct here, I think that you have allowed this to go on for too long to the point where he's going to kindergarten and now is the time that you are trying to do this in a hurry.  I think that he has controlled the situation for too long because he knows that his mom will clean him up no matter how often he'll go in his pants.  I think that at this point you should just not clean him and remind him how dirty he is and that he's stinky, also that kids his age are not going to want to play with him if he smells bad.

There may be some psychological issues involved here too, maybe something that a child psychologist might be able to help out with.

[AnnieBrooke]

Mumita, and I mean this with every respect for the many good suggestions you regularly have on this forum, I don't think adding criticism and shame to the mix is going to help anything.  Kids regress in their potty training when they are anxious about something.  Telling them they are bad or dirty is just going to increase their anxiety.  A child of 5 or 6 is perfectly aware that the idea is not to pee in his pants.  There is plenty of social pressure among kids!  

I *do* totally agree with you that talking to a professional would be a good idea, simply because there might be things she hasn't tried that are known to be effective.  Who knows, there might even be something happening in the boys' lives (like bullying by a neighbor or something) that for some reason they are hesitant to talk to their mom about but might be willing to tell a neutral medical person.  It sounds really, really frustrating for stacey and it just seems like scolding or shaming would just escalate everyone's emotions and frustration (including hers).  

[Mumita]

AnnieBrooke- I don't mean to shame the kids in a mean way, I just think that kids that age need to understand that some things are just unnacceptable around other people.  But I think that there is a point in which you have to take stronger measures than throwing cheerios into a toilet bowl.

I'm sorry if I came on too harsh, but I do know that parents (mine are that way) enable their children to do whatever they want and then they wonder why their behaviour becomes unnacceptable.  I have a personal example, my little brother...but that's a not a story that's a book!

[sstaceyy]

now you 2 stop your fighting lol.  just kidding. I do how ever agree with both of you on somethings the biggest thing is they are both slower then the rest of kids there age because they both were so pre muture. I dont clean up after them I make them do It, It dosent seem to bother them they have no promblem doing it that scares me a little. also they both have speech problems and I am afraid that maybe they just dont quit under stand what iam saying.so we have trouble in that area to.

[AnnieBrooke]

LOL -- would love to read the book on your brother some day.

[Mumita]

Maybe they have some developmental problems that you may need to have addressed by a child psychologist.  There may be some therapies that could benefit them.  

But the fact that they were premature babies may or may not have anything to do with it.  I think that you should try to find a therapist that could help you out, soon.  Also, maybe the fact that they don't do it at school should tell you something.  Maybe you need to establish more routine at home and stick to your guns at home too.  Maybe they think that they can get away with it at home...  But I do think that you should find help soon.

[sstaceyy]

Thank you

[CYW]

i have potty trained twice...and within a week both were fully trained..

What i did(daycare wise i'm not there with my own yet-but soon)

one child was almost 3 and the other is 2 and a half...

my first experience she wouldn't go on the toilet so i went and bought her stickers...princess stickers and i told mom and dad to bring her lotsa clothes and i would go with it as long as they worked at home with her..

every hour i would put her on the toilet, or i would notice her pee times.. and if she peed herself i would make her take off her wet clothes(which disgusts them) ask them where their pee belongs(they usually say the toilet) if they don't you have to be firm with them and say you are a big kid (e.g in your case going to school....your friends wont be peeing in their pants and they will make fun of you...because really they will) So once that had happened i would make them clean up their mess on the floor as well  because at some point it becomes a behaviour and no longer an accident.. this little girl for the first 2 days she would hold it in until she would explode.. and i would tell her your pee belongs in the toilet... you know that...you're a big girl and she began to pee on the toilet on day 3 and now it's been about 2 months and she doesnt wear a pullup in bed anymore..

case 2, she came to me from the toddler room about 3 weeks ago.. the first week she was in i spoke to her mother about it because technically by the time they move to our room(preschool) 2 and a half they need to be potty trained...so the mother was so happy that i wanted to try this out...try it out a week if it doesnt work you give them a week break... so anyways she peed herself 4 times in 2 weeks...which 2 times were when she was sleeping during sleep time which those were accidents...

you dont want to get overly angry with them but you need to be firm and tell them that their pee and poos belong in the toilet not in their clothes.. what i did too was encourage them about the beautiful clothes they were wearing...like oh you dont want to get your pretty dress full of pee or something silly... and when they peed or pooped i made a BIG scene about it like omg awesome you're such a big girl etc etc.. im so proud of you...etc etc etc

good luck...

[sstaceyy]

any thing at this point is worth a try thank you

[mum2beagain]

Don't beat yourself up over this, it will all work out eventually.
My 5 year old son was a preemie baby and has special needs, training him has taken alot of time and he still has accidents now and then. He just wasn't aware when he was wetting or soiling himself. Honestly leaving him naked from the waist down for a few days helped him understand physically what he was doing, I also had to take responsibility for toileting him (and still do to a certain extent) as it was clear he just didn't have the understanding of what was expected of him. I left him without underwear and pants and sat him on the potty every 30 minutes. If he had an accident on the floor I told him he pees/poops go in the potty and not on the floor. We have a potty out in our living room so there were no excuses for not using it. We began this process when he was 3 years old and he is now (at 5) just about trained. He still does not tell us if he needs to go though, if he is at home and near the bathroom or potty (which we still have out) he goes by himself. If we are out or he is at his daycare it has to be an adults responsibilty to make sure he is taken to the bathroom at least once an hour. We also found that either no underwaer with loose fitting jogging pants or a loose boxer (rather than a tighter fitting brief) underneath loose fitting pants worked best. Tight underwear or pants oboviously made him feel like he was still wearing a diaper and he had many accidents.
Does your son seem to realise when he has an accident or does he seem like he is unaware and just carrys on as normal? My son never seem to notice and was never bothered by wet or soiled diapers or pants. If this is the case then you have to help him become aware of what is happening with his body, if he isn't aware he can't possibly begin to control it. Also if he really isn't aware what is happening to his body punishing/scolding him will just confuse him further as he won't understand what he has done to deserve the punishment.
My younger son is 2 1/2 and has been pretty much trained for a month now except for a few BM accidents now and then, training him was a breeze and took just a few weeks. For years I thought my older son wouldn't train because of something I was/wasn't doing. I now see that is not the case. My oldest son just didn't have the physical or mental capacity to toilet train, we have had to work very hard with him and give him the chance to develop physically and mentally to be able to do this.
It probably isn't as much of an issue for your son at school because the children will be bathroomed on a schedule, probably an hourly basis. At 5 and 6 their bladders have the capacity to hold their urine and it will have just become routine for them to empty their bladders at the scheduled times. Being emotinally and physically mature enough to be responsible for his own toileting could be a completely different thing though.
It probably is worth getting your both children evaluated if you can if you feel they may have delays. As they were preemies it is quite possible they have some developmental delays or even sensory issues (which can make training difficult). Sensory issues are very common in children who were peeemies.
Best of luck with it all.