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should i go to the cemetery
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should i go to the cemetery

i really want to go to the cemetery where did my husband buried my baby, should i? i just don't want to be worse, i am not sure how harmful it would be. what can i take her with me other than flowers? is necessary to go. i know i will cry to hell, but it been now 7 weeks since that day and never went there. please help
Tags: maternal, Baby
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16 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
I think it would be nice to go... I went and saw my grandpa today whom I lost a few months before losing my baby and I talked to him and I talked to him about my baby and that alone I think helped me, knowing that my baby is safe with him!
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151154_tn?1208134182
I think it will be good for you to go.  You need to go through the greiving process.  Its a part of healing.  If you don't allow yourself to be angry, scream be sad, anything you need to do then you'll never be able to move on with your life.  Maybe you could bring her a teddy bear and leave it with her.  Or a picture you of and your husband so you will always be there with her.  

Know we are all here if you need to vent when you get back.  I am just so sorry that you are going through this.  
I do commend you for being able to come on here and give great advice to other women when you are going though such a horrible experience yourself.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Going to the gravesite may be the hardest thing you ever have to do, but I believe it is a necessary part of the healing process.  Could you take your husband or other family members with you?  Being surrounded by those you love may help you shoulder the burden.
Also, like the other posters said, remember we care about you and want you to be happy again.  You can always talk to us.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank all of you, i just start cryting knowing that i am going to her tomorrow, i miss her soooooo much but i know i won't see her, but maybe her soul will be waiting 4 me and her dad, i will talk to her, but she won't answer, but i am sure she will see me, or at least feel me, although she is with me where ever i go. it sounds crazy to see that i miss her, but i really do. i am really depressed 2day and want 2 cry... cry and cry...scream.. and don't know what can btake all this pain away. every thing around me kills me, her clothes her nursery, her bassinets, her toys,... i have every thing ready for a baby, but i don't have this baby
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Avatar_f_tn
My heart just hurts reading your posts.  I cannot even begin to know what you are going through.  Please know that you are in my prayers.  I  DO BELIEVE your baby is watching over you and I think going to see her will help.  You should scream and cry, it's healthy.
Lots of Love and Prayers,
Vanessa
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162331_tn?1390022267
I do know and understand your pain.  Going to the cemetary is very hard, but I do believe it is part of the healing process even though it will not feel like it at the time.  It is all the "first" you have to get out of the way.  It has been a little over 1 1/2 years since our 12 year old son was taken to heaven after a tragic accident.  It has been so hard and continues to be hard.  But the first year of "first" was the hardest.  The first Holidays, birthday, and all of that.  You will never get over it, but you will learn to cope as you get stronger.  If you need to cry then cry.  I still do a lot.  I remember even screaming for him over and over.  I would be outside on my farm and scream for him.  I thought my neighbors probably think I am crazy, but I don't care.  I needed to grieve and get it out someway.  The array of emotions you go through are so hard.  Just make yourself get up eachday and fight to go on, knowing that is what she would have wanted.   I am 31 weeks pregnant now.  I suffered a miscarriage 10 months after my son went to heaven.  It was hard too.  3 months later, I was blessed with another pregnancy.  I like to think my son was in heaven telling God all about the kind of son to send me.  I would like to think your little darling in heaven will be telling God the same for you and how she wants you to feel better because she is okay there.  I wish I could give you a hug and just cry and let you vent to me for awhile.  I hope you find some peace.
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Avatar_n_tn
I can't even begin to understand your pain. Just wanted to say how sorry I am (((HUGS)))   You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh, hon...I cannot begin to comprehend the pain you must be going through right now...I could never find the words of wisdom for a parent who lost a child but I will tell you this: your baby is watching over you right now.  I shared this poem with another poster who lost her child to SIDS and I want you to read it as well.  I'm sending lots of love and prayer your way.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.
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124958_tn?1223950159
When I had my stillbirth with my son at 36 weeks, we had decided to have him cremated so he can always stay with us without him and us being out there. I really do think that it is more painful going to a cemetery than looking at my pendant where he is at. Once in a while I take down his little box where I keep everything that was given to me from the hospital like his gown, his blanket, 2 material blue roses, his hospital bracelet and his picture.  I also have this beautiful sterling silver with pearl jewerly box that has an angel and his name is engraved on it with his day. Inside I keep a little angel pendant that has his ashes inside. All that means so much to me. I can't explain but every time I take it out, it's like I am holding him once again and I start to feel that love and peace that I am pretty sure he is giving me at the moment. All I can tell you is that everyday seems to be getting easier. I think I had a lot of time to accept it and that I had to go through that painful moment for a reason. I don't know maybe to help others who have gone through it and tell them it's going to be okay. All you need is time to help your heart heal and maybe going to the cemetery will help you heal. Take care.
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Avatar_f_tn
Im really sorry for your loss, Im sure it is as hard as you describe it and I wish no one to go through this, God will help you through this and I know for sure that when you get pregnant again and have  your angel in your arms and your home it will take all the pain away.

If you need anything let me know and I will give you my email, are you Egyptian??? and where do you live, I live in NJ

((( kisses & hugs ))))
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127529_tn?1331844380
I am so so sorry for your loss. I can see your heart is breaking. Maybe you could plant a small rose bush or something similar at her grave side. It will be with her for always. Could you perhaps get a friend or relative to come and pack away her things and nursery, it must make it harder seeing those things everyday. If you feel up to it get a special little box and have a box of memories to keep; perhaps that teddy bear, scan pictures if you have them. Put that box in your closet, that way it will always be close by for when you need it. My thoughts are with you and your husband.
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Avatar_f_tn
i am lebanese and live in michigan, i did not go today, because i was so depressed and could not imagine going there, i was crying all day, and i thaught that i might die there, i need to be stronger. i might go tomorrow.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi again

Im Egyptian and as I said I live in NJ, I wish I were close by you, Im sure it is really hard and I wish that anyone can do anything to comfort you but no one can, I will tell you this, if you feel you cant go then dont, you will go when you are ready but dont try to force or convince yourself that you can go and that it will help you when you really cant even think of being there.  Your angel is with you where you are and I know that you will go there one day but when you are ready, I think that if you do go you will relive the whole thing all over again so just give it some time and try to be strong, I know it s hard, I will pray for you.

here s my email if you want to talk at anytime

flowers_scent***@****

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Avatar_f_tn
i bought her a small teddy bear white and pink like every thing in her nursery, with a sentence on its chest saying "MOMMY LOVES YOU" i really love her, my husband starts crying like a baby and told me, instead of buying her a teddy bear, that she can see and play with, and give it to her, we will go put it on a piece of land, and that she will never play with it, they will throw it away when they will cut the grasse their, she can't tell him no and cry to have it back, or at least they will never hear her. he told me that he is upset because he did not see her eyes or hear her voice, she did not know her father, i know her and she knows me, we can feel each other, but she will never feels him. he is really depressed today, i did never saw him crying like this. it is getting worse, every day we miss her more than the day before, and we feel the empty space she left in our home.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you a lot, i feel that all i need today is just cry, it is getting worst, every day is harder than the day before, i don't know what should i do. i need a looooooot of time to heal, eventhough i will never be the same happy person all days, there is part of my heart missing, part of me. she brought all the happiness into my life when i knew i was pregnant, i waited for hair so long, but she did not wanna come, she prefer to wait for me in the heaven... i am happy for her because she is not suffering there... she is an angel. but i miss her. she left me shocked, from what happened to us... but i miss her... i can't just forget and let it go,  we've been there 9 months....it can't go that easy, we talked to each other, we felt each other, i knew when she was hungry, when she was uncomfortable... but i did not knew when she left me, and this what hurt me. how stupied i was....i did not felt her leaving...
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148691_tn?1260198503
OMG......

I wish I had words to bring light into your bleeding heart. I wish I had you right next to me to give you a real strong hug and wipe your tears. I wish I could ease the pain, somehow of all the women that are missing a little angel in heavens........

And it's frustrating that, all I can say is: I am terribly sorry......

Please know that you have her at all times with you. She hasn't gone anywhere, she is looking after mommy constantly, and she knows you call her, she knows you love her and she knows you didn't do anything wrong to her.

It is COMPLETELY alright if you don't want to go to her grave. It is TOTALLY fine. DO NOT feel guilty at all, what so ever. This healing process will take what ever time it needs to take, and in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself and follow what your heart tells you. Your little angel KNOWS mommy loves her and not because her body is there, means her essence is too, she IS WITH YOU. She is a little angel now, and you and your hubby need to heal first.

I am TERRIBLY sorry for your loss.
It's getting easier for me after a year of losing my angel, and I don't cry as much anymore, but reading your post made my heart shiver........couldn't help but break down in tears......

(((HUGS)))
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