staying at home mom dilema

Hey ladies i would really want those stay at home moms to help me on this question. I have a 5yr old and 8month old twin girls I will not be going to work no time soon I am going to be a stay at home mommy. What I would like to know is how do i ask my DH for money for my own expenses I know that they say that stay at home moms is like a job. So how do i go on about that? How do you ladies do it? I'm really new at this and I would like some advice thank you ladies.....

[pertykitty]

the money in our acct is "our" money.  i dont ask for things i need or want to buy, but since we are on one income we discuss the bigger things we want.  i went from working my whole life to a sahm about a year ago and at first it was hard.  i felt like you, it was his money.  but seeing as we both put into this family and whether its done outside the house or here in, we are both contributing.  

i have to suggest more than anything, have a discussion about what you expect out of each other.  what his expectations are of you staying home.  some men assume you can accomplish a million tasks because you are at home, haha!! not always so.  you dont want to go into this with him complaining every night that dinner isnt waiting on him or that the floor has toys on it.  then you need to find out what your expectations of from him.  do you expect him to give you an hour a day or a week to do your own thing (staying home can take its toll when you are not used to it no matter how much you love the kids).  

i made sure we talked about all these things so that we didnt have 2 completly different ideas of what our roles were in the family.  it has worked out fairly well,  we just have to make sure we comminicate very well and openly.  good luck, its something that you will cherish and love, and sometimes want to revolt and run haha.

[kikicoates78]

I totally agree with pertykitty, I am not 100% stay at home yet, I am just now 10weeks PG, but I did already cut to part time, I have a history of pre-trm so we are being extra cautious. AND I will stay at home after the baby. But you shouldn't have to ask for money for personal things. Do you not do the shopping, just buy what you need. I mean like I told my Husband I know my spending money is obviously gonna have to go way down, I am a nurse and make a pretty good living so cutting that out is gonna hurt a little, but you should definatly have somthing for your spending or hobbies. BUT Communication from the beginning is the key, good luck dear.

[energy_train]

Communication is key.  We have separate accounts even though my hubby pays for everything and I just have an account from when I did work.  He leaves me cash in a certain place if I need it for groceries, kids stuff, etc. and he's really good about giving me money if I tell him I need it for X, Y, and Z.  Sometimes, I run into a situation where I don't have the cash on me and need something and I use the credit card.  He pays it off every month and I'm very careful about what I put on it but he knows I always have that if I need it like if I took $100 for groceries and the bill was $120 I can put the last $20 on the card and it's always paid off every month.  I've stayed home for 7 years now and we definately had some different expectations about what was to be done.  This is almost harder than money.  He did think that EVERYTHING would be done when he got home and with just one, I could do this fairly easily. With two (and our second has special needs) NOTHING was getting done. The kids consumed my every waking minute and it wasn't until he got home that I could start laundry, picking up, etc.   This was hard at first for him to understand but then I went scrapbooking for 1 whole day and he quickly got what I was saying.  Now, we have a gal who comes in and cleans once a month and I do what I can between then.  I love to cook and my daughter helps me so dinner on the table has never been an issue but laundry, etc. sometimes has to take the back burner. Your JOB is to stay at home with your children.  Is he expected to do his job at work and also do laundry, clean toilets, cook dinner, etc??  My hubby has always been a great help around the house so I can't complain.  He is also a fireman so he does have to clean and cook at work.  He would get upset if the house was a total disaster at first but quickly adapted to it. It's just a change that EVERYONE has to get used to.  You will miss the quiet time and the YOU time and it doesn't mean you love your kids any less.  When you are with them 24/7 though, a break is very welcome some times so set aside time, even if it's just you get to take a kid free bath, for YOU when you hubby knows he's on duty. The biggest problem is them thinking that you were home all day and didn't have to go to work (Ha Ha Ha) Little do they know you probably did WAY more than they did even though it might look like you did nothing but sit on the couch and eat bon bons- Oh wait, that's the remnants of the poopie diaper that happened while your other child was screaming at you for help in the other room and the phone was ringing and supper was burning in the oven!! LOL!   You will figure out what works for you but just keep communication open!  

[AndiJ78]

I agree, even before I became a SAHM we pooled our money...it was never "his" or "mine." I believe that is the first step, make sure that is understood. Perhaps that is why some are so against the idea of SAHMs, they feel we are having to beg money from our dh's.

Ask my dh, I run the finances in the house. He doesn't know when bills get paid, how much they are, or really even how much he makes. He just knows I get the bills paid and we have some money to spend now and then. We also consult each other on big purchases and he will check in if he wants to buy anything over $50 or so.

Budgeting it key and as others have said, so is communication.

[lovethebops]

Yep, I am with Andi...We have never had 'his' and 'hers' money...As soon as I was married, I took over the finances, because, left to my forgetful dh, we were amassing late fees. He has no idea how many bills we even have, when they are paid so so on. I just let him know that we are 'low' this month or we have a little extra. We always discuss big expenses beforehand and wether our budget has enough. Except,  I do work one day a week, and typically that becomes our 'fun' money-money for take out, weekend outings and so on. This works well for us, money is something we have Never fought over, as some couples do.

[tazz00057]

I want to thank you ladies for all of your advices.

[RockRose]

My family is like Andis.  My husband makes the money,  I manage it.  When anyone needs anything,  including myself,   I buy it.  

I'm a really cheap date to begin with,  and don't spend extravagantly on myself - or I would probably give some thought to discussing personal purchases with him.